buba3d Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 What's a glasgow girls fav protection during sex?  a bus shelter  meh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Monkee Posted January 20, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 20, 2009 Two new army recruits are posted to the jungle. First day, the Sergeant gives out instructions on how to deal with the poisonous yellow and black snake. "You grab it by the end, move your hands up quickly, black line, yellow line until you get to the neck and then snap it." After the first day, a recruit comes back alone. He explains that his mate was had by a black and yellow snake. "But I told you stupid fuckers how to deal with them" the sergeant bellows. Â "He did Sarge, he grabbed the end and went up black stripe, yellow stripe, black stripe, yellow stripe, and then he realised...". Â "Realised what?" Â "... that it was a tiger!" Â Â I actually just split my lip laughing at this one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tequila_Boy Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 No offense dude but I've been telling that joke a little differently for ages and ducks are much funnier than rabbits! I read the whole Cracked joke, it was amazing, I won't spoil it, everyone should read it but if you do it's essential you pay attention to the whole thing!   The Camel Thief Joke is better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Chest Rockwell Posted January 20, 2009 Moderators Share Posted January 20, 2009 Also this one I couldn't bring myself to paste in its entirety: http://www.cracked.com/forums/index.php?to...80568#msg580568 < That there is a heavy duty joke that offers precious little reward. I fucking loved it. Â Â Â You know how I always complain that I can't go on any of the Cracked links you post because of my filter? Â Â Well, that one worked. Â Â Â Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Carbomb Posted January 20, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 20, 2009 A guy wasted eight minutes of my life telling me this, it's not quick or snappy but it's 6:22, I'm bored as fuck so here it is... --- - Â Some guy is in a pet shop looking to buy something exotic. The shop keeper offers him pirhanas, but they have a bad rep. Crocodile? Too much effort. Elk? Takes up too much room. Â "What about a camel?" The shopkeeper suggests at the end of his tether. "It doesnt take much work. All you have to do is follow a quick routine every night. Comb its hair, brush its teeth, wipe its arse and put it to bed." Â That didn't sound difficult so the gent took the camel, put it in his boot and off he went for a quiet evening in. That night, just as he was told, he combed his new camels hair, brushed his teeth, wiped its arse and shuffled it off to bed. Sorted. And off he went for a good nights rest. Â The next day he woke up still thrilled at how easy his new pet was too look after. He went down the stairs, ready to make some breakfast and as he entered the kitchen and yawned, he saw a nast surprise. There was his camel. In the middle of the kitchen floor. Looking up at him with sad eyes. Wy was it looking up for him? Thats easy. It had no legs. Â The gent got dressed, put the camel in his boot and returned to the pet shop with the cry "You gave me a defective camel" Â "What seems to be the problem?" The shopkeeper asked. Â "It's bloody legs have fallen off!" The gent replied. Â The shopkeeper asked if he had followed the routine to the letter. The gent said he had. Or had he? Had he done something wrong? Too wquick? Too slow? He wasnt sure but he stood his ground and the shopkeeper issued a replacement camel with the claim this one wasnt faulty. Â So off he went home and that night he did it all again with the second camel.. He combed his hair very gently. He brushed his teeth very carefully. He wiped its arse making sure there were no stink nuggets and then he calmly put him to bed. With his mind at ease he went to bed himself ready for the new day... Â ...but the next morning he walked into his kitchen to find the same problem. The second camel was looking up at him from the kitchen floor, again no legs remaining... Â The gent was furious, without getting dressed he threw on his jacket, put the camel in the boot and raced down to the pet store. "I did it perfectly" he explained "Every step, every part of the routine was absolutly spot on perfect and this happened. You gave me TWO defective camels!" Â It took a while for the shopkeeper to calm him down but he soon began to relax and agreed to give it one more shot. A third camel, extra strong, extra safe. It was a top notch camel bred from the best the camel species had to offer. Nothing could go wrong. Â So that night, for the third time, he began the routine. He was extra cautious, making sure each hair was combed to perfection, there wasnt a stain or a mark of decay left on his teeth, his arse was so polished you could see yourself in it, if looing into a camels starfish was what you'd spend your day doing, of course, and then he carefully, gently and lovingly put the camel to bed. Â Nothing could go wrong. But it did. As the third time with the third camel he found it again laying on the kitchen floor minus four legs. Â That was it. He snapped. He stuffed the camel into his boot and without even thinking of getting dressed furiously raged on to the pet store. Â "I want to see the manager!" he demanded "Youve given me three defective camels and I want to complain" The shopkeeper tried to calm him down again but he was having none of it. He pushed straight past him all the way through to the managers office, but as soon as he entered he came to a silent halt. Â Before him was a tiny man, very shriveled and bizarre looking in a red blazer. More importantly he was sitting on a giant stack of camels legs. It suddenly hit him and he coldnt help but blurt out "Ar eyou the bastard whos been taking my camels legs?" Â The manager looked up from his paper and simply shook his head. "Nope." Â I don't get it. Please explain? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Au Posted January 20, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 20, 2009 o offense dude but I've been telling that joke a little differently for ages and ducks are much funnier than rabbits! But why on earth would a duck want carrots? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Tommy! Posted January 20, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 20, 2009 i think i read it on here.  the undertaker walks into a bar   he no sold it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Carbomb Posted January 20, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 20, 2009 What's a glasgow girls fav protection during sex? a bus shelter  meh  Better than a chav's idea of safe sex, which is not telling the girl where he lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barrington Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 If a tree falls on a baby and no ones around to see it, is it still hilarious?  whats got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog  How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a liquidizer  Whats dumb and was taught to speak by her eldest son? Jordan (sorry a bloke at work commented on how stupid she sounds when she talks and that Harvey must have educated her) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oaktree500 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 What did Dvon dudley say to buh buh ray, when they had a part time job in mcdonalds? Â "OH MY BROTHER........TEST THE FRIES!" Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelEdge Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 What did Dvon dudley say to buh buh ray, when they had a part time job in mcdonalds? "OH MY BROTHER........TEST THE FRIES!"   Love it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members JLM Posted January 21, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 21, 2009 Also this one I couldn't bring myself to paste in its entirety: http://www.cracked.com/forums/index.php?to...80568#msg580568 < That there is a heavy duty joke that offers precious little reward. I fucking loved it. Â Â Â You know how I always complain that I can't go on any of the Cracked links you post because of my filter? Â Â Well, that one worked. Â Â Â Â Â Bwaha. Awesome. It's a classic gag. The story is so gripping. I am also confused as to why you'd use ducks in that rabbit joke for the reasons elegia outlined. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Carbomb Posted January 21, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 21, 2009 Bwaha. Awesome. It's a classic gag. The story is so gripping. I am also confused as to why you'd use ducks in that rabbit joke for the reasons elegia outlined. Â I would venture to speculate that the gentleman's duck version of the gag would have seen carrots replaced with bread, thus ensuring its fitness for rendition to the general public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members JLM Posted January 21, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 21, 2009 I suppose that makes sense. However, I still prefer the visual of nailing a rabbit to the wall by his ears as a threat to any nail-based pain one might inflict upon a duck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Chest Rockwell Posted January 21, 2009 Moderators Share Posted January 21, 2009 Pop quiz asshole.. do you prefer Buggs Bunny or Daffy Duck? I wonder if there's any correlation between that, and which version of the joke you prefer. Â Â I prefer Daffy, but like you I enjoy the visual of nailing a rabbit. (Yes, you heard me right). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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