JamesTyler Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 A guy wasted eight minutes of my life telling me this, it's not quick or snappy but it's 6:22, I'm bored as fuck so here it is...--- -Some guy is in a pet shop looking to buy something exotic. The shop keeper offers him pirhanas, but they have a bad rep. Crocodile? Too much effort. Elk? Takes up too much room."What about a camel?" The shopkeeper suggests at the end of his tether. "It doesnt take much work. All you have to do is follow a quick routine every night. Comb its hair, brush its teeth, wipe its arse and put it to bed."That didn't sound difficult so the gent took the camel, put it in his boot and off he went for a quiet evening in. That night, just as he was told, he combed his new camels hair, brushed his teeth, wiped its arse and shuffled it off to bed. Sorted. And off he went for a good nights rest.The next day he woke up still thrilled at how easy his new pet was too look after. He went down the stairs, ready to make some breakfast and as he entered the kitchen and yawned, he saw a nast surprise. There was his camel. In the middle of the kitchen floor. Looking up at him with sad eyes. Wy was it looking up for him? Thats easy. It had no legs.The gent got dressed, put the camel in his boot and returned to the pet shop with the cry "You gave me a defective camel""What seems to be the problem?" The shopkeeper asked."It's bloody legs have fallen off!" The gent replied.The shopkeeper asked if he had followed the routine to the letter. The gent said he had. Or had he? Had he done something wrong? Too wquick? Too slow? He wasnt sure but he stood his ground and the shopkeeper issued a replacement camel with the claim this one wasnt faulty.So off he went home and that night he did it all again with the second camel.. He combed his hair very gently. He brushed his teeth very carefully. He wiped its arse making sure there were no stink nuggets and then he calmly put him to bed. With his mind at ease he went to bed himself ready for the new day......but the next morning he walked into his kitchen to find the same problem. The second camel was looking up at him from the kitchen floor, again no legs remaining...The gent was furious, without getting dressed he threw on his jacket, put the camel in the boot and raced down to the pet store. "I did it perfectly" he explained "Every step, every part of the routine was absolutly spot on perfect and this happened. You gave me TWO defective camels!"It took a while for the shopkeeper to calm him down but he soon began to relax and agreed to give it one more shot. A third camel, extra strong, extra safe. It was a top notch camel bred from the best the camel species had to offer. Nothing could go wrong.So that night, for the third time, he began the routine. He was extra cautious, making sure each hair was combed to perfection, there wasnt a stain or a mark of decay left on his teeth, his arse was so polished you could see yourself in it, if looing into a camels starfish was what you'd spend your day doing, of course, and then he carefully, gently and lovingly put the camel to bed.Nothing could go wrong. But it did. As the third time with the third camel he found it again laying on the kitchen floor minus four legs.That was it. He snapped. He stuffed the camel into his boot and without even thinking of getting dressed furiously raged on to the pet store."I want to see the manager!" he demanded "Youve given me three defective camels and I want to complain" The shopkeeper tried to calm him down again but he was having none of it. He pushed straight past him all the way through to the managers office, but as soon as he entered he came to a silent halt.Before him was a tiny man, very shriveled and bizarre looking in a red blazer. More importantly he was sitting on a giant stack of camels legs. It suddenly hit him and he coldnt help but blurt out "Ar eyou the bastard whos been taking my camels legs?"The manager looked up from his paper and simply shook his head. "Nope." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freaky Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Why did the girl fall off the swing?Because she had no arms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesTyler Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 A few before I actually get up and go to work...Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?So they don't get mistaken for feminists.Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?It doesn't need cleaning yetWhats got 8 legs and a big black cunt?The A-teamWhat do you call a paedophile pirate?Arrr Kelly.Trinny and Susanah walk into a bar and ask the barman: "Whats your best Port?"The barman replies "Dover, now fuck off"Doctor: ''I've very bad news... you've got cancer and alzheimer's.''Patient: ''At least it's not cancer''What did the left testical say to the right testical?Don't know, but they where talking bollocks!!What do you call a black man flying a plane?A pilot, you racist.What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?20 kgs. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, andgood-looking?Because those men already have boyfriends. Whats worse than finding a maggot in your apple?Mark Henry.What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?You can negotiate with a terrorist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe_the_Lion Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?Cos he's a cunt.No he hasn't. I've just looked him up and I can't find one anywhere. fucking hell man. Tell another joke and I'll shit on it!!!I wasn't shitting on your joke old boy. I've heard that joke before but it wasn't just a case of Noddy being a cunt/wanker/interchangable insult - Noddy is a cunt because his head makes the shape of a vagina, the bell is where the clit might be(sort of, that bit is a bit of a stretch - to be honest the whole joke is a bit of a stretch), I can't find it because I'm a stupid man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MRMIdAS Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?Cos he's a cunt.No he hasn't. I've just looked him up and I can't find one anywhere. fucking hell man. Tell another joke and I'll shit on it!!!I wasn't shitting on your joke old boy. I've heard that joke before but it wasn't just a case of Noddy being a cunt/wanker/interchangable insult - Noddy is a cunt because his head makes the shape of a vagina, the bell is where the clit might be(sort of, that bit is a bit of a stretch - to be honest the whole joke is a bit of a stretch), I can't find it because I'm a stupid man.way to miss the ACTUAL meaning of the joke.it's the same as the "why does Rupert the Bear wear yellow trousers? Because he's a cunt" joke.Noddy wears a bell on his hat because he is a cunt, not because he looks like one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akbhar Shabazz Jenkins Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I fostered a child once. 18 pints, he didnt stand a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattshutter Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 i'm doing a bit of DIY in the flat just now. i'm not very good so i thought i'd do some research. i popped into the local library and said to the librarian "excuse me, do you have any books on shelves". she told me to get out.funnily enough i'm reading a great book on glue just now. i just cant put it down.i went back to the library to try and take a book out on suicide. the librarian said to me "fuck off you'll never bring it back" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Tommy! Posted July 10, 2008 Paid Members Share Posted July 10, 2008 an old man and woman are sat at home.the man says "id like some strawberries and cream for pudding, now do you want me to wright it down?"the woman says "no no. I'm not senile, i can remember strawberry's and cream, strawberry's and cream"she walks of to the kitchen muttering it to herself, over and over strawberry's and creamhalf and hour latter she walks back and puts a full English breakfast in front of the manhe looks at it, turns to the wife and says "i knew it. i bloody knew it. you've forgot the toast"i bought a pair of shoes with only one lace. they were made in Taiwan (thats funnier if after the joke the old bloke who's telling it falls back wards over the wall hes building ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiger_driver Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 A chinese couple were laying in bed one evening and the woman was felling really horny,"You fancy 69"? She said to her husband. The husband replies "what you take me for? I'm not getting wok out at this time of night"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finbar Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I called the rape helpline this morning, but apparently it's only for victims. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Awards Moderator HarmonicGenerator Posted July 10, 2008 Awards Moderator Share Posted July 10, 2008 A guy wasted eight minutes of my life telling me this, it's not quick or snappy but it's 6:22, I'm bored as fuck so here it is...--- -Some guy is in a pet shop looking to buy something exotic. The shop keeper offers him pirhanas, but they have a bad rep. Crocodile? Too much effort. Elk? Takes up too much room."What about a camel?" The shopkeeper suggests at the end of his tether. "It doesnt take much work. All you have to do is follow a quick routine every night. Comb its hair, brush its teeth, wipe its arse and put it to bed."That didn't sound difficult so the gent took the camel, put it in his boot and off he went for a quiet evening in. That night, just as he was told, he combed his new camels hair, brushed his teeth, wiped its arse and shuffled it off to bed. Sorted. And off he went for a good nights rest.The next day he woke up still thrilled at how easy his new pet was too look after. He went down the stairs, ready to make some breakfast and as he entered the kitchen and yawned, he saw a nast surprise. There was his camel. In the middle of the kitchen floor. Looking up at him with sad eyes. Wy was it looking up for him? Thats easy. It had no legs.The gent got dressed, put the camel in his boot and returned to the pet shop with the cry "You gave me a defective camel""What seems to be the problem?" The shopkeeper asked."It's bloody legs have fallen off!" The gent replied.The shopkeeper asked if he had followed the routine to the letter. The gent said he had. Or had he? Had he done something wrong? Too wquick? Too slow? He wasnt sure but he stood his ground and the shopkeeper issued a replacement camel with the claim this one wasnt faulty.So off he went home and that night he did it all again with the second camel.. He combed his hair very gently. He brushed his teeth very carefully. He wiped its arse making sure there were no stink nuggets and then he calmly put him to bed. With his mind at ease he went to bed himself ready for the new day......but the next morning he walked into his kitchen to find the same problem. The second camel was looking up at him from the kitchen floor, again no legs remaining...The gent was furious, without getting dressed he threw on his jacket, put the camel in the boot and raced down to the pet store. "I did it perfectly" he explained "Every step, every part of the routine was absolutly spot on perfect and this happened. You gave me TWO defective camels!"It took a while for the shopkeeper to calm him down but he soon began to relax and agreed to give it one more shot. A third camel, extra strong, extra safe. It was a top notch camel bred from the best the camel species had to offer. Nothing could go wrong.So that night, for the third time, he began the routine. He was extra cautious, making sure each hair was combed to perfection, there wasnt a stain or a mark of decay left on his teeth, his arse was so polished you could see yourself in it, if looing into a camels starfish was what you'd spend your day doing, of course, and then he carefully, gently and lovingly put the camel to bed.Nothing could go wrong. But it did. As the third time with the third camel he found it again laying on the kitchen floor minus four legs.That was it. He snapped. He stuffed the camel into his boot and without even thinking of getting dressed furiously raged on to the pet store."I want to see the manager!" he demanded "Youve given me three defective camels and I want to complain" The shopkeeper tried to calm him down again but he was having none of it. He pushed straight past him all the way through to the managers office, but as soon as he entered he came to a silent halt.Before him was a tiny man, very shriveled and bizarre looking in a red blazer. More importantly he was sitting on a giant stack of camels legs. It suddenly hit him and he coldnt help but blurt out "Ar eyou the bastard whos been taking my camels legs?"The manager looked up from his paper and simply shook his head. "Nope."A friend of mine specialises in jokes like this. They're brilliant to tell groups of new people at the pub or parties, some of the looks you get at the end of the jokes are priceless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith Houchen Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 I called the rape helpline this morning, but apparently it's only for victims.Carbomb got there first, not in a rape sense, in that paedo thread but nice one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejeffjarrettone Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?Cos he's a cunt.No he hasn't. I've just looked him up and I can't find one anywhere. fucking hell man. Tell another joke and I'll shit on it!!!I wasn't shitting on your joke old boy. I've heard that joke before but it wasn't just a case of Noddy being a cunt/wanker/interchangable insult - Noddy is a cunt because his head makes the shape of a vagina, the bell is where the clit might be(sort of, that bit is a bit of a stretch - to be honest the whole joke is a bit of a stretch), I can't find it because I'm a stupid man.Why does joe the lion ruin other peoples jokes? Cos he's a cunt. HAAAAAAAAAA! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Astro Hollywood Posted July 10, 2008 Moderators Share Posted July 10, 2008 How do you get a gay to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Icon Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 Why does joe the lion ruin other peoples jokes? Cos he's a cunt. HAAAAAAAAAA!Seconded.Why did the chicken cross the playground?To get to the other slide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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