Paid Members Monkee Posted January 18, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 18, 2009 Don't deer have four legs anyway? Sorry i shouldn't cut you down but i was trying to figure it out in my head. Â I don't know what you're talking about... Â Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spotlightmagnet1 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 Must be me then. Sorry. Â Wish i read you had edited it for my purpose before this post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birdofprey Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I went to the lady at the airport and shouted BUCK-AWWWWWWW She said "No sir, this is the CHECK-in desk. Â What breaks when you give it to a child? It's pelvis. Â I went to alcoholics anonymous and said "I can't stop gambling" they said "You wan't gambler's anonymous" I said "You're probobly right I'm so pissed i don't know where I am" Â I went to the gym and said "Can you teach me to do the splits?" The trainer said "How flexible are you?" I replied "Well I can't make Tuesdays" Â I was in a chinese restaurant and a duck came up to me and said "You're eyes sparkle like diamonds" I said "Waiter - I ordered Aromatic Duck" Â What do the 4,000 women at the women's abuse cinic have in common? They don't fucking listen! Â It's strange you wave your arms around whilst screaming in a library and everyone stares at you. You do it on an aeroplane and everybody joins in. Â What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. Â A mix of awesomely crap (but hilarious) Tim Vine jokes and some Politically Incorrect ones that will send you to hell. (See you there) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members JLM Posted January 19, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 19, 2009 A rabbit walks into a butcher's shop, heads up to the counter and asks "Got any carrots?".  The butcher replies, "No sir, I'm sorry, I don't sell carrots here. You should try the guy across the street. I'm a butcher, all I sell here is meat.  The following day, the rabbit returns to the store. After carefully scrutinising every inch of the store, he heads up to the counter and asks the butcher,  "Got any carrots?"  The butcher patiently and calmly explains himself again, "No sir. Perhaps I was unclear yesterday. This is a butcher's shop. We don't, and never have, stocked vegetables of any description. We sell cuts of meat, sausages and other meat-based products. We do not sell carrots."  The rabbit nods at this, and leaves the store.  The following day, the rabbit returns to the store. Again, he examines the store with great care before heading up to the counter. He smiles at the butcher and asks  "Got any carrots?"  The butcher is slightly exasperated at this point. "Look, I don't know how I can make this any more obvious to you sir. There are absolutely no carrots here. We do not sell carrots. We have never sold carrots. I will not be ordering a stock of carrots at any time. If you would like to purchase some meat, then I am happy to help you, but we categorically do not sell fruit or vegetables of any description, and that includes carrots."  The rabbit nods at the butcher, smiles, then hops out of the store.  The following day, the rabbit returns to the store. There is nobody else in the shop on this occasion, but instead of heading straight to the counter, he once again surveys the scene and makes sure to look at every single item on offer. He then heads to the counter and asks "Got any carrots?"  The butcher takes a long, deep breath and makes another attempt to get his point across, "Sir. I don't know if there's a communication issue here, or if you have reason to believe that I am a liar, but I must yet again INSIST that we DO NOT SELL CARROTS. If the greengrocer across the street is unable to help you, I would be happy to give you the numbers and addresses of some other reputable suppliers of fresh vegetables, but in my store, which, as I have tried to explain, deals exclusively in meat, I once again have no carrots.  The rabbit nods at the butcher, smiles, then hops out of the store.  The following day, the rabbit returns to the store. After his habitual examination of the store and its contents, he heads up to the counter and asks:  "Got any carrots?"  At this stage the butcher's patience is stretched pretty thin. "Look, I don't know what your problem is or why you're not hearing me, but WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS HERE! THIS IS A BUTCHER'S SHOP! PLEASE STOP COMING INTO MY STORE AND ASKING THE SAME QUESTION! WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS. WRITE THIS DOWN, SO WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR SHOPPING LIST FOR TOMORROW AND COME TO "CARROTS", WHICH IS PROBABLY THE ONLY DAMN THING ON THERE, YOU WON'T THINK "I KNOW, I'LL GO AND ASK THAT BUTCHER AGAIN!".  The rabbit nods at the butcher, flashes him another beaming smile, then hops out of the store.  The following day, the rabbit returns to the store. He heads up to the counter but is momentarily distracted. Attached to the glass display is a huge plastic sign that has been glued to the front of the display. In enormous bright red letters are the words "SORRY, WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS". The butcher looks at the rabbit and flashes him a grin that might look more at home on the face of a serial killer. He triumphantly taps the sign as the rabbit walks in, and never breaks eye contact with the rabbit. Unperturbed, the rabbit walks up to the counter, stares at the sign momentarily and asks "Got any carrots?"  The butcher loses all control. "FUCK YOU! WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS! READ THE SIGN YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! NO CARROTS. NO FUCKING CARROTS. JE NE SELL CARROTS PAS! EVERY FUCKING DAY YOU HOP INTO MY STORE AND ASK FOR CARROTS, AND EVERY DAY I RESIST THE URGE TO SMACK YOU IN THE FUCKING MOUTH. WELL NO MORE! NO FUCKING MORE!. WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS, WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS, WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS! ARGH! THE SIGN IS GOING UP OUTSIDE THE STORE TOMORROW. READ IT ON THE WAY IN MOTHERFUCKER, THEN READ IT AGAIN AT THE COUNTER. IF YOU DO THAT AND YOU ASK ME AGAIN, YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL DO?  IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY GRAB YOU BY THE NECK AND THEN NAIL YOU TO THE WALL BY YOUR STUPID RABBIT EARS. YOU HEAR ME? I WILL PHYSICALLY NAIL YOU TO THE FUCKING WALL! ACTUAL NAILS, THROUGH YOUR EARS, INTO THE WALL. NAILED...TO...THE...WALL. NO. FUCKING. CARROTS. NAILED.TO.THE.WALL.  The rabbit nods at the butcher, smiles as brightly as ever, then hops out of the store.  The following day, the butcher sees the rabbit's silhouette outside his store. The rabbit has clearly stopped to read the sign, but the butcher is horrified to see that he is about to enter the store anyway. The rabbit heads up to the counter and peers at the sign on the counter for some moments. The butcher glares at the rabbit and waits. He keeps waiting. The rabbit makes eye contact with the butcher and holds it. For minutes he holds it. The butcher turns red and begins to hyperventilate. He stares a hole through the rabbit but the rabbit doesn't flinch. More minutes pass. Customers enter the store, witness the standoff and sheepishly leave without heading to the counter. The tension mounts and they continue to stare. The butcher's fists begin to tremble and he feels his last ounces of patience evaporate...  "JUST ASK IT! SAY IT! ASK WHAT YOU ALWAYS FUCKING ASK!"  The rabbit looks up at the butcher and asks, "Got any nails?"  NO!!!  "Got any carrots?"   Also this one I couldn't bring myself to paste in its entirety: http://www.cracked.com/forums/index.php?to...80568#msg580568 < That there is a heavy duty joke that offers precious little reward. I fucking loved it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaneojack Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Reading that Cracked joke was a waste of my life Good ending though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiroNakamura Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 good god...read the "joke"/"story" that he gave the link too...i read it..ive died a little now though after reading it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steveo2007 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 one by Stephen Fry from an episode of QI was especially shit but had me in stitches, possibly for his defensive tyrade afterwards. Â it was something along the lines of "what's red and silly?" "a blood clot." Â it was possibly made funnier by him calling Alan Davies a pig eyed sack of shit or something like that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ro_y Disco Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 A favourite with my friends: Â Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Â Because it was dead. Â Â Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Â Because it was laughing so much. Â Â Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Â Because it thought it was a game. Â Â ...It's made funnier by the hysterical laughing by my friend everythime she tells it! Which reminds me of... Â Â On Balloon Planet, in Balloon Town, is a balloon school, full of balloon teachers and lots of little ballooon girls and balloon boys. One day a balloon boy comes into school with a pin and goes mad, stabbing everything in sight. Â When he's finally restrained and calmed down, the balloon head teacher calls him into his balloon office and say, "You've let me down, you've let the staff down, you've let your peers down and you've let the school down..." Â This joke is also followed by histerical laughter each time by a different friend. Â Â Oh, and: Â A fish swims into a wall. Dam! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members tiger_rick Posted January 19, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 19, 2009 Little bloke walks into a pub and slips on some shit. 5 mins later a big bloke walks in and slips on the same shit. The little bloke laughs and says "I just did that". The big bloke smashes his face in. Â ****** Â What do you call a Donkey with 3 legs? Wonkey. Â ****** Â Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman discover a migic slide. You slide down and whatever you wish for is waiting at the bottom. Englishman slides down and shouts "Beer". Scotsman slides down and shouts "Whisky". Irishman slides down and shouts "Weeeeeeeeeee!" Â ****** Â Paddy and Murphy walking down the rode. Paddy falls down a manhole and breaks his leg. "Murphy, call me an ambulance". Murphy: "You are an abulance, you are an ambulance". Â ****** Â Two new army recruits are posted to the jungle. First day, the Sergeant gives out instructions on how to deal with the poisonous yellow and black snake. "You grab it by the end, move your hands up quickly, black line, yellow line until you get to the neck and then snap it." After the first day, a recruit comes back alone. He explains that his mate was had by a black and yellow snake. "But I told you stupid fuckers how to deal with them" the sergeant bellows. Â "He did Sarge, he grabbed the end and went up black stripe, yellow stripe, black stripe, yellow stripe, and then he realised...". Â "Realised what?" Â "... that it was a tiger!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Au Posted January 19, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 19, 2009 What do you call a Donkey with 3 legs? Wonkey. What do you call a donkey with one eye? A Winky. Â What do you call a donkey with one eye and three legs? A Winky Wonky. Â One of my mates went through a period a while back of telling those three jokes to everyone he met. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members JLM Posted January 19, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 19, 2009 I actually laughed for minutes after reading that Cracked Joke. I couldn't believe that that was my pay-off after reading such a tale. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnie420 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 why do black people always have sex on there mind? Â because they have pubic hair on there head.. Â Â slightly racist yes, but i told that joke to my friend who is black recently and he found it funny so i figured it wouldnt offend anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quote_the_raven_nevermore Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Paddy, Murphy and Mick have just been let go from there job on the construction site.. Desperately looking for work they come across a different construction site that have job's available, The only catch is that there is a big sign saying NO IRISH PEOPLE.  So they gather together and decide that they have to come up with alternate names to get the job's, They decide to go with famous brand names to try and weasel there way in....  Paddy goes in first for an interview....  Boss: Name Please  Paddy: Mark  Boss: Mark Who?  Paddy: Mark Sandspencer  Boss: Get the fuck out of my office, Your irish!  So now its Mick's turn....  Boss: Name?  Mick: John.  Boss: John Who?  Mick: John Lewis  Boss: Get out! This is taking the piss!  So its Murphy's turn.. This is his only chance of getting a job so he thinks careful about what name he is going to use..  Boss (Very Pissed Off) : You better not be some Irish fucker with a brand name trying to get a job!  Murphy: No sir my name is Ken  Boss: Ahh Ken please do take a seat...  So they go through the interview process and it finally comes to the big crucial moment.  Boss: Ken i'd like to offer you the job but before i do i need your full name please.  Murphy: Ken Tucky Fried Chicken!   Dunno why but that always amuses me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vito Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I heard a great/crap joke over Christmas that had me laughing for a while. Â Â Q. How do you track Will Smith in the snow? Â A. Just follow the fresh prints. Â Â I actually had to explain that to someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Bellenda Carlisle Posted January 19, 2009 Paid Members Share Posted January 19, 2009 A rabbit walks into a butcher's shop, heads up to the counter and asks "Got any carrots?".  The butcher replies, "No sir, I'm sorry, I don't sell carrots here. You should try the guy across the street. I'm a butcher, all I sell here is meat.  The following day, the rabbit returns to the store. After carefully scrutinising every inch of the store, he heads up to the counter and asks the butcher,  "Got any carrots?"  The butcher patiently and calmly explains himself again, "No sir. Perhaps I was unclear yesterday. This is a butcher's shop. We don't, and never have, stocked vegetables of any description. We sell cuts of meat, sausages and other meat-based products. We do not sell carrots."  The rabbit nods at this, and leaves the store.  The following day, the rabbit returns to the store. Again, he examines the store with great care before heading up to the counter. He smiles at the butcher and asks  "Got any carrots?"  The butcher is slightly exasperated at this point. "Look, I don't know how I can make this any more obvious to you sir. There are absolutely no carrots here. We do not sell carrots. We have never sold carrots. I will not be ordering a stock of carrots at any time. If you would like to purchase some meat, then I am happy to help you, but we categorically do not sell fruit or vegetables of any description, and that includes carrots."  The rabbit nods at the butcher, smiles, then hops out of the store.  The following day, the rabbit returns to the store. There is nobody else in the shop on this occasion, but instead of heading straight to the counter, he once again surveys the scene and makes sure to look at every single item on offer. He then heads to the counter and asks "Got any carrots?"  The butcher takes a long, deep breath and makes another attempt to get his point across, "Sir. I don't know if there's a communication issue here, or if you have reason to believe that I am a liar, but I must yet again INSIST that we DO NOT SELL CARROTS. If the greengrocer across the street is unable to help you, I would be happy to give you the numbers and addresses of some other reputable suppliers of fresh vegetables, but in my store, which, as I have tried to explain, deals exclusively in meat, I once again have no carrots.  The rabbit nods at the butcher, smiles, then hops out of the store.  The following day, the rabbit returns to the store. After his habitual examination of the store and its contents, he heads up to the counter and asks:  "Got any carrots?"  At this stage the butcher's patience is stretched pretty thin. "Look, I don't know what your problem is or why you're not hearing me, but WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS HERE! THIS IS A BUTCHER'S SHOP! PLEASE STOP COMING INTO MY STORE AND ASKING THE SAME QUESTION! WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS. WRITE THIS DOWN, SO WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR SHOPPING LIST FOR TOMORROW AND COME TO "CARROTS", WHICH IS PROBABLY THE ONLY DAMN THING ON THERE, YOU WON'T THINK "I KNOW, I'LL GO AND ASK THAT BUTCHER AGAIN!".  The rabbit nods at the butcher, flashes him another beaming smile, then hops out of the store.  The following day, the rabbit returns to the store. He heads up to the counter but is momentarily distracted. Attached to the glass display is a huge plastic sign that has been glued to the front of the display. In enormous bright red letters are the words "SORRY, WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS". The butcher looks at the rabbit and flashes him a grin that might look more at home on the face of a serial killer. He triumphantly taps the sign as the rabbit walks in, and never breaks eye contact with the rabbit. Unperturbed, the rabbit walks up to the counter, stares at the sign momentarily and asks "Got any carrots?"  The butcher loses all control. "FUCK YOU! WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS! READ THE SIGN YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! NO CARROTS. NO FUCKING CARROTS. JE NE SELL CARROTS PAS! EVERY FUCKING DAY YOU HOP INTO MY STORE AND ASK FOR CARROTS, AND EVERY DAY I RESIST THE URGE TO SMACK YOU IN THE FUCKING MOUTH. WELL NO MORE! NO FUCKING MORE!. WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS, WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS, WE DO NOT SELL CARROTS! ARGH! THE SIGN IS GOING UP OUTSIDE THE STORE TOMORROW. READ IT ON THE WAY IN MOTHERFUCKER, THEN READ IT AGAIN AT THE COUNTER. IF YOU DO THAT AND YOU ASK ME AGAIN, YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL DO?  IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY GRAB YOU BY THE NECK AND THEN NAIL YOU TO THE WALL BY YOUR STUPID RABBIT EARS. YOU HEAR ME? I WILL PHYSICALLY NAIL YOU TO THE FUCKING WALL! ACTUAL NAILS, THROUGH YOUR EARS, INTO THE WALL. NAILED...TO...THE...WALL. NO. FUCKING. CARROTS. NAILED.TO.THE.WALL.  The rabbit nods at the butcher, smiles as brightly as ever, then hops out of the store.  The following day, the butcher sees the rabbit's silhouette outside his store. The rabbit has clearly stopped to read the sign, but the butcher is horrified to see that he is about to enter the store anyway. The rabbit heads up to the counter and peers at the sign on the counter for some moments. The butcher glares at the rabbit and waits. He keeps waiting. The rabbit makes eye contact with the butcher and holds it. For minutes he holds it. The butcher turns red and begins to hyperventilate. He stares a hole through the rabbit but the rabbit doesn't flinch. More minutes pass. Customers enter the store, witness the standoff and sheepishly leave without heading to the counter. The tension mounts and they continue to stare. The butcher's fists begin to tremble and he feels his last ounces of patience evaporate...  "JUST ASK IT! SAY IT! ASK WHAT YOU ALWAYS FUCKING ASK!"  The rabbit looks up at the butcher and asks, "Got any nails?"  NO!!!  "Got any carrots?"   Also this one I couldn't bring myself to paste in its entirety: http://www.cracked.com/forums/index.php?to...80568#msg580568 < That there is a heavy duty joke that offers precious little reward. I fucking loved it.  No offense dude but I've been telling that joke a little differently for ages and ducks are much funnier than rabbits!  I read the whole Cracked joke, it was amazing, I won't spoil it, everyone should read it but if you do it's essential you pay attention to the whole thing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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