The absolutely awful Xmas film watch thread

[FLips]

1 hour ago, davertfnewman said:

Mr Frosty fits into that category of toys that are either single or limited use. Cluedo only has so many sheets on the pad that you use to tick off who you've got and who you've not. Chocolate dispensers don't have top-ups. Toys with slime or putty often dry out. Then you have things with caps that once used you're done (Thunder Punch He-Man, cap guns, etc).

I got a copy of Pay Day with mint chocolate coins for counters. Ate them Christmas Day and could never play the game again.

[TheBurningRed]

Looking on my firestick to see what crap new Christmas films are on there as they have hundreds of shit ones. One for you to hunt down @SuperBacon 

The Merry Gentlemen

“To save her parents small town nightclub, a broadway dancer stages an all male Christmas themed revue. And meets a guy with all the right moves”

Sounds brilliantly shite. Chad Michael Murray and Maxwell Caulfield are in it if they’re draws for you. 

Edited November 30, 2024 by TheBurningRed

[Mr_Danger]

Started watching that new Netflix one with Lindsay Lohan but her face was too distracting which is saying something as she co starred Christin Chenoworth. American plastic surgeons must model all patients on Dr Zeus characters or something. 
 

Flicking through and noticed Chenoworth was in another Christmas film opposite….. Party of Fives Scott Wolf! Just need Mathew Fox to drop off a bit more and I reckon the entire cast will be at the level that they could make a Party of Five Christmas film.

Edited November 30, 2024 by Mr_Danger

[SuperBacon]

On 11/24/2024 at 1:46 PM, Devon Malcolm said:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt28090270/

Enjoy!

This is so, so, so, so, so, so shit.

Martin is a vet, who's wife died (OBVIOUSLY!) and lives with his son Brian in an unnamed village (if I was going to hazard a guess I'd say its up north)

Robin and her daughter Amy knock on their door with a sick chicken, Mrs Lay. That's it. That's the fucking film.

For 90 minutes. Obviously the parents fall in love, but it's so slow and awkward I ended them to end up unhappy. Sarah Jane Duncan as Robin the mum is lovely, but I can't emphasise just how shit this is.

It's all so weird as well. At one point one of the kids is trying to get the other to pronounce Aurora Borealis for no reason. The Dad at one point says "Ja, ich bin ein super" Then they go and see Brian's Grandad who greets him and says "here come in, I've got some brand new dinosaur facts for you" What?

The dad has a southern accent, his sons from the North West, the girl is from I think Manchester and her Mum is American (despite the actress being Scottish) so thats annoying and the film drags and drags and drags. The scenes are far too long. It could've been done in half an hour, and also I don't know how to qualify this, but the film looks and sounds like it should be a Sky Original. Its very Sky.

Also unlike the Hallmark films there is absolutely nothing to take the piss out of which is the only reason I watch these, so that was rubbish.

1/10 (the one is for the  bag of Mature Cheddar and Chilli Chutney Sensations I had)

Me crossing Dev off my Xmas card list: 

Edited December 6, 2024 by SuperBacon
Sensations

[Chili]

@SuperBacon what is objectively so far the worst Xmas flick you've seen?

[SuperBacon]

8 minutes ago, Chili said:

@SuperBacon what is objectively so far the worst Xmas flick you've seen?

I can't see this piece of shit being topped 

On 12/21/2023 at 2:45 PM, SuperBacon said:

A Hobo's Christmas

I thought "Well that has to be ripe for a bit of piss taking surely" as let's be honest this is the only reason I'm watching. 

No. Fucking shit. I've never seen The Waltons or Little House On The Prairie ( I think) but this looks and sounds exactly like an episode of that. All slide guitar and wobbly harmonicas. Awful.

Nothing to take the piss out of. At one point I went for a poo and didn't pause it. Maybe I missed the greatest scene in cinema history, who knows?

A film so bad I'm off to do some work for a bit.

1 hobo out of 10.

 

 

[Devon Malcolm]

26 minutes ago, SuperBacon said:

 

Me crossing Dev off my Xmas card list: 

Now you know how @Frankie Crisp feels when I find a shark film.

[FLips]

Hot Frosty

Not much to say that hasn't already been said by Bacon, including that baffling Comic Sans doctors note that confirms her husband's terminal cancer. There's a special confidence that comes with creating a premise so confusingly full of plot holes but answering it in film with characters going "yeah he's a snowman that's came to life" as if it was nothing. Even the main character asks "what, you just buy he's a snowman?" and they all say "Yeah, it's Christmas". Fair enough.

Enjoyed the side bits with the two cops who seemed to inject the only bit of plot into the film. The rest of it is actually rather off-putting because Frosty has the mind of a child and everyone just wants to mount him, even the straight male cop. How does a human even get in that shape? It's crazy.

Not as awful as you would expect but not really anything happens in it.

Holiday in Handcuffs

Melissa Joan Hart is a waitress who has a mental breakdown when her successful boyfriend Nick dumps her in public just before she's meant to take him home for Christmas to her overbearingly critical family. In the ensuing panic, she holds AC Slater at gunpoint with an antique musket and kidnaps him, driving him out handcuffed and blindfolded to the arse end of nowhere where her family is staying.

She forewarns them "oh by the way he likes to play this stupid joke where he pretends he's been kidnapped, so just laugh it off and he'll stop" and sure enough he begs them for help and they laugh it off. It's this point there's a fork in the path between Horror Movie and Christmas Romance and they go down the Christmas Romance path.

Turns out Melissa Joan Hart's family sucks and AC Slater starts to feel bad for her. Turns out they actually have more in common than him and his fiance to be so he spends the rest of his time there waiting for the police to save him by getting on with her family and bigging her up at which point the wheels fall off and her family as it turns out aren't as perfect as they made out.

When the police show he decides not to press charges, dumps his girlfriend and gets with Sabrina. It's actually not that bad. It's a crazy premise but everyone commits to the bit and it has a couple of bright spots. Better than Hot Frosty.

12 Dates of Christmas

Amy Smart has a lonely and miserable life but gets trapped in a time loop the day of a blind date with Mark Paul Gosselaar in our second ABC Lifetime straight to TV movie featuring former Saved By The Bell alumni.
Just like in Groundhog Day she immediately starts using this loop to take advantage of people for her own gain but then finds it more rewarding to do good, so spends the remaining days helping people around town, getting to know Zack from SBTB and maturely resolving a breakup with her ex who is moving on.
It took us until Day 6 to realise it was dropping 12 Days of Christmas hints with geese and rings and stuff into the film, so you know Day 12 will be the final day even if she doesn't.

It's decent tbh. It's a simple plot but done well enough and somehow a time loop ended up being the most realistic one we watched after shredded snowman coming to life and felony kidnapping.

[Chest Rockwell]

38 minutes ago, FLips said:

It took us until Day 6 to realise it was dropping 12 Days of Christmas hints with geese and rings and stuff into the film, so you know Day 12 will be the final day even if she doesn't.

Wait what? You mean the name of the film didn't give it away?

[FLips]

7 minutes ago, Chest Rockwell said:

Wait what? You mean the name of the film didn't give it away?

Haha well we figured it would be 12 days, but we didn't physically see they were putting the days of the song into each day as it went on until we saw a load of geese.

[Harry Wiseau]

Great! Christmas has launched and tomorrow at 9am A Shoe Addicts Christmas is on, just saying @SuperBacon

[Devon Malcolm]

28 minutes ago, Harry Wiseau said:

A Shoe Addicts Christmas

Finally, somebody made my biopic.

[SuperBacon]

47 minutes ago, Harry Wiseau said:

Great! Christmas has launched and tomorrow at 9am A Shoe Addicts Christmas is on, just saying @SuperBacon

It's the most wonderful tiiiiiiime of the year...but I'll be waiting until December to watch. 

Xmas films in September is madness*

 

 

*yes I'm aware watching any of this shit is madness.

[Twatters]

I start watching November 1st. Too many Christmas films for me to get through. I've been trying to upgrade to 4k or blu-ray on some of my Christmas movies and alot of the horror stuff is annoyingly expensive or hard to get in the UK. And speaking of Christmas horror, there's a new Silent Night Deadly Night out this year 

Trailer here

[Callum1993]

8 hours ago, Harry Wiseau said:

Great! Christmas has launched and tomorrow at 9am A Shoe Addicts Christmas is on, just saying @SuperBacon

Starring Tony Atlas?