The absolutely awful Xmas film watch thread

[SuperBacon]

A Very Jonas Christmas Movie

I definitely couldn't tell you anything about the Jonas Brothers except one of them was married to actual angel Sophie Turner* before getting divorced from her.

Generational fumble mate.

This film sees Nick, Joe and Kevin finish their world tour in London and about to head home to the States to their families. One of them (Joe maybe) meets Santa in a bar who wants them to have travel troubles so they're forced to bond. So he blows their private jet up at Heathrow...except they leave in that it was filmed in Hamburg.

"Boy I hope someone got fired" etc.

Anyway there are no flights out of England, so they get a train to Paris, where Joe meets an old flame, the absolutely smoking hot Chloe Bennet, and eventually on to Amsterdam. There they meet a singer called Ethan who happens to be performing and then flying back to New York after the show, which would work for them.

But it turns out Kevin performed with him in Home Alone The Musical and this Ethan hates him. In a genuinely funny scene they perform the theme tune to that musical, which is actually quite good. 

If you don't want to watch the whole film (and why the fuck would you?) here you go: 

 

They don't get on his plane, he's a shit.

They make their way to Germany and meet Santa again, and bond as brothers. They do make it home, the end. And that's about it in 80 minutes.

Do you know what? This isn't bad. I mean I wouldn't go so far as to say its good, but they're all not bad as actors, the songs are fine (yeah there are quite a few songs) and some of it is actually quite funny. Randall Park is also in it, but sadly very underused.

Kevin is married in real life to Priyanka Chopra (fair play mate) who is in the film, and is quite decent as the lead Jonas. He also reminded me a bit of Khabib without a beard.

You could do worse than this film, but "Let me tell you young men, the only Jonas I care about is track 1 on Weezer - The Blue Album!" 

I had a nice can of Cherry Coke and a whole tube of Jelly Tots during it as well. 5/10

Will try and find a proper piece of shit for the next film.

*more Sophie Turner goodness while looking for that wine chugging vid. She is perfect. Honestly Joe Jonas, you absolute mug.

 

[Chest Rockwell]

Daughter and I both home sick, we put on Family Switch on Netflix. When you're lying around bored and doped up and feeling sorry for yourself in December and you still can't finish a Christmas film you know it must be bad. 

The actors are all good and trying to save this piece of shit, but the script is just awful. It's so utterly devoid of any original thought, I wouldn't be surprised if it was at least partially written by AI. What a waste. Also the CGI for the baby and the dog is appalling. 

[tiger_rick]

Daughter and I watched The Good Luck Charlie Christmas "movie". I have an older daughter so it's probably 3 or 4 times I've seen it now. It really is dreadful Disney Channel nonsense with all the stereotypes but I still like it more than I'll ever admit. 

Daughter has written up a list of 24 movies they're watching for Advent. Some will absolutely fit this thread. So far though, I had a meeting on Monday and missed Noelle (fine with that) and then was at footy last night and missed Deck the Halls (gutted).

[SuperBacon]

34 minutes ago, tiger_rick said:

missed Deck the Halls (gutted).

It is absolutely shit, not even Danny can save it. 

I'd watch it for this thread but I really can't sit through it again (see also Gandolfini and Affleck in Surviving Christmas) 

[Harry Wiseau]

41 minutes ago, SuperBacon said:

It is absolutely shit, not even Danny can save it. 

I'd watch it for this thread but I really can't sit through it again (see also Gandolfini and Affleck in Surviving Christmas) 

You're better off with the far superior yet similar plotline Battle of the Bulbs, it's got Max Headroom in for Goddess sake!

[tiger_rick]

Am I right in remembering some TV show that came before both of them? Something to do with Robson Green. I'm sure the first time I saw Deck the Halls, I thought it was a rip off of poor Robson.

[SuperBacon]

1 minute ago, tiger_rick said:

Am I right in remembering some TV show that came before both of them? Something to do with Robson Green. I'm sure the first time I saw Deck the Halls, I thought it was a rip off of poor Robson.

Looked this up and you might be right!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_Lights_(film)

[tiger_rick]

It's on ITVX. Demanding to be reviewed. And Nicola Stephenson is in it, hopefully kissing Anna Friel under the misteltoe. 

https://www.itv.com/watch/christmas-lights/1a4606/1a4606a0001 

[SuperBacon]

A Newport Christmas

Now this is more like it! Absolute bollocks!

We start off in Newport in 1905 with Ella, a wealthy socialite who is due to be married off, when she goes out for a sail on her boat, wishes on a comet for a different life, and ends up in Newport in 2025, where she meets Nick, a local tour guide who now owns the boat.

On the mast is etched 'Ella & Rex' which mysteriously disappears (more on that later)

I love a time travel film, and the fish out of water elements they bring and this has some nice moments as she asks "How do you milk an oat?" when having oat milk (WOKE!) and discovers a Siri type assistant while they all try and figure out who this Rex is.

One thing that bugged me the entire film is the actress clearly has this awful filter on her face which makes her look like an animated character.

This picture doesn't do it justice but it's bloody awful, she looks so...smooth. 

Anyway it turns out that Rex was someone who went out in 1905 to look for Ella in a boat, saw the same comet and ended up in 2005, and is in the same town still. Ella is adamant that she doesn't want to marry him, but she reluctantly goes back to 1905 (I forgot to mention the comet is conveniently happening again on Christmas Eve) to marry Rex as history shows she should, despite falling in love with Nick. 

When she gets back to 1905 SWERVE Nick is now Rex, and they are now together, so she does end up marring a Rex, just not the same Rex, the ex Rex if you wiiiiiill.

I'll be honest I'd probably rather live in 1905, he'll be approximately 60 when World War 2 rolls around, won't be drafted and he can enjoy original Coke and not have to put up with modern nonsense like VAR, James Corden and Putin.

It's shit, but it has enough about it to not be a complete disaster. Newport looks amazing, and I had a look at some places, including this beautiful gaff called The Chanler. https://www.thechanler.com/m

Christmas Dinner there this year will set you back 160 notes but it's a good menu.

I also was reminded they use the comet palava in a previous one of these I've watched in this thread, which was lazy of them. But I'll forgive Hallmark this time.

At one point they go to a cafe called Brewed Awakenings which I looked up as I like to see whats on offer and a brew will set you back this much.

not too bad to be honest.

Anyway, this gets 3/10, it might have been a point higher but the filter and the whole soft focus vaseline look of the film annoyed me.

Don't listen to this Patrick donut. I hope you stay sick mate.

[ReturnOfTheMack]

Not wanting to step on Bacon's toes, but I just watched 'Tinsel Town' on skycinema. Kiefer Sutherland as a washed up American actor being manipulated into doing panto in England? With Rebel Wilson, Jason Manford, and Danny Dyer?

I cant lie, fucking loved it. I could have done with an extra 20 minutes of it just seeing him confused by panto. 

And its the most I have enjoyed Rebel Wilson in forever. 

[SuperBacon]

3 minutes ago, ReturnOfTheMack said:

Not wanting to step on Bacon's toes

This is a thread for all! The more shit films the better! 

I've seen that advertised and you've sold it, it's going on.

[gmoney]

I had to watch a couple of Christmas hallmark films recently, Saving The Christmas Ranch and Single On the 25th just wanted to leave a quick review for them. It's the same for both:

Complete shite. 

[SuperBacon]

21 minutes ago, gmoney said:

Single On the 25th

I for one am shocked that this is the plot.

[Rossman]

On 12/3/2025 at 2:33 PM, SuperBacon said:

Looked this up and you might be right!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_Lights_(film)

It's got Mark Benton in it. If its a one-off comedy drama feature length, they always get Mark Benton to be in it. I like Booze Cruise which sometimes pops up on ITV 3. Mark Benton, George from George & Mildred. And Trevor from Trevor's World Of Sport. Bugger off in a car to France for some refreshments, and it ends in comedic circumstances. I think that one had a few spin offs too.

[davertfnewman]

Is the new Jack Black movie that Amazon is front-paging going in here or things that you know will be shit?