The absolutely awful Xmas film watch thread

[SuperBacon]

6 minutes ago, Devon Malcolm said:

Buñuel is spinning in his grave.

Un Chien Santalou. 

Edited October 23, 2024 by SuperBacon
Thought of a better one

[Carbomb]

45 minutes ago, JLM said:

Hot Frosty sounds like one of those whacky made up sex moves from the 90s. 

[Chris B]

Do Terrifier 3.

[SuperBacon]

Hot Frosty

I was supposed to watch this with my eldest this weekend but I completely forgot she had an early birthday sleepover last night and watched it with her mates, and she confirmed just how amazing it is.

Lacey Chabert (keep thinking Lacey Channing, who is an actress of a VERY different kind) is Kathy, who lives in a lovely town called Hope Springs, and owns a cafe called Kathy's Kafe (let's hope they never do Krafts or serve Krunch Wraps as that would be some unfortunate initialling) and she gets given a scarf by her friend who owns a shop called Reclaimed Rags (maybe they all have alliterative names?) 

Due to a snow sculpture competition there is a very buff snowman statue who Kathy decides to put the scarf on, and he comes to life and joins town life, after walking around naked with his carrot out and smashing a window to get some clothes (he is Ted from Schitts Creek who dated my beloved Alexis in that show)

Craig Ferguson and Joe Lo Truglio are the town cops (they're not funny and are wasted) and Craig in particular wants to nail the snowman and see that he's bought to justice.

He really is a very ripped snowman.

We find out Kathy's husband died of cancer (look at the state of this font) 

and Jack (he's given a name) and Kathy become close but he's afraid he'll melt and leave her alone again, which is a fair point, and also quite sweet. 

Lauren Holly turns up looking still gorgeous and swoons over Jack and nothing really happens for a good half an hour (he works at a school but Im not sure why, I zoned out) until Craig produces evidence that it was Jack who smashed the window, arrests him on Xmas eve (rotten shit) sets his bail at 2 grand and then he starts to melt in the cell.

Kathy, with the help of the good townfolk, raises the money, but it looks like its too late as he's starting to melt, but he lays outside in the snow and comes back to life. And actually comes to life this time, turning human I guess. The end.

Absolutely shit obviously, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and also not as "knowing" as I thought it might try and be.

Some of the Netflix ones play along with the joke (that these are all shit movies) but Hot Frosty plays it quite straight and also at least has a bit of a concept past 'girl in hometown falls in love with stranger'  

The cast are all fine, and more stacked than I thought it would be, but they're wasted (Ferguson says at one point "You didn't slip through my crack amigo" which I'll admit did make me laugh) 

Obviously I got bored during the film so looked up where it was filmed, which was Brockville in Ottawa. Kathy's Kafe was The Keystorm Pub, which looks OK, but the real jewel of the city is Fat Les's On King. What a name, and @Sergio Mendacious I'm gonna need you to go check this #eatclean place out mate. They also do karaoke.

Lacey Chabert has apparently been in over 30 Hallmark films so there is a good chance she'll pop up again at some point. She was in Party Of Five, which was a show that was always raved about, but seemingly never shown over here, or at least I don't remember it being shown. I get it confused all the time with the Claire Danes one.

The title of the film made me remember (WHOOOOOOO REMEMBERS ARGOS CATALOGUES AND THE 80S???) this 

which I never knew anyone that owned one. You can still buy them, they're 15 quid, but they always just looked really shit to me, and I could never really work out what it was meant to make. Flavoured ice I guess?

Anyway, worse ways to spend 90 minutes while outside looks appalling, had a bag of BUZZ brand Sour Fangs and a Cherry Coke.

3/10. We're up and running for the season. Next up, I'll try and find some real shite, recommendations will be honoured (the "Shoes trilogy" is being saved for a particularly quiet day) 

 

[Mr_Danger]

Party of Five was on channel 4. I’m sorry young Bacon missed out on early Jennifer Love Hewitt (it’s not peed if you’re a kid too right?) Neve Campbell and Jack from Lost.

 

I think My So Called Life was also on channel 4 too.

Edited November 23, 2024 by Mr_Danger

[SuperBacon]

5 minutes ago, Mr_Danger said:

Party of Five was on channel 4. I’m sorry young Bacon missed out on early Jennifer Love Hewitt (it’s not peed if you’re a kid too right?) Neve Campbell and Jack from Lost.

 

I think My So Called Life was also on channel 4 too.

Oh yeah,  Love Hewitt was in it, so I HAVE seen it. 

Maybe it was My So Called Life I've never seen. So many shows, so many years. 

[Devon Malcolm]

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt28090270/

Quote

When an ailing pet chicken arrives at Martin's animal sanctuary over the holidays, his family's festive plans are turned upside down.

Enjoy!

[Merzbow]

Wait.. why didn't they make it about a turkey??

[Devon Malcolm]

2 minutes ago, Merzbow said:

Wait.. why didn't they make it about a turkey??

I mean, that probably wouldn't have had a very happy ending.

[RedTwoster]

My 15-year-old cousin claims to have never seen a Christmas film. If it were 2014 I’d be dubious about that claim, but given that this is a generation that chooses TikTok over television and movies, I’m wondering if it might actually be true. She’s seen Frozen, but I’m not sure if that counts. 

[FLips]

On 11/23/2024 at 3:50 PM, SuperBacon said:

The title of the film made me remember (WHOOOOOOO REMEMBERS ARGOS CATALOGUES AND THE 80S???) this 

which I never knew anyone that owned one. You can still buy them, they're 15 quid, but they always just looked really shit to me, and I could never really work out what it was meant to make. Flavoured ice I guess?

 

I had one of these as a kid. They were really nice to be fair but were more effort than they were worth.

[Sergio Mendacious]

@SuperBacon thanks for the heads up on that one, mate — I'll get my shoes on, it's a bit of trek

[Chris B]

On 11/23/2024 at 3:50 PM, SuperBacon said:

The title of the film made me remember (WHOOOOOOO REMEMBERS ARGOS CATALOGUES AND THE 80S???) this 

which I never knew anyone that owned one. You can still buy them, they're 15 quid, but they always just looked really shit to me, and I could never really work out what it was meant to make. Flavoured ice I guess?

Oh god, this cunt.

So, it was supposed to make slushies, but it was shit. Here's how you'd 'use' it.

1 - Take the hat off, to reveal a funnel down the middle of Mr Frosty's head. Put ice cubes in it.

2 - The blue circle is basically a round cheese grater. So you turn a handle, and try to grate the ice into the slushie. Turning it isn't enough, because the ice just skims across the top. So, instead, you push down on the hat to exert pressure. Except, here's the thing. It's fucking ice and you've got, essentially, a fucking cheese grater and the strength of a six-year-old to push it down and try to force it to grate. You are grating ice. That's all it is. After a lot of work, you might end up with a tiny amount of slush that's dripped into the cup, which is rapidly melting more quickly than you can grate more.

3 - So, you take the penguin, which is filled with 'flavour', which is basically very thick syrup that mostly tastes of a colour. And you squirt it into the cup, to 'flavour the drink'.

4 - You try to pretend it's gone well, as you're now sipping at a cup of water with a lot of coloured sugary syrup in it. You show your parents, who are all like 'is that it?' and 'no, I don't want to try any or for you to make me one' or 'well, that's what you asked Santa for'.

5 - Cry for a bit.

6 - Try again. Get the same results.

7 - Never touch it again, but always, always remember.

Mr Bastard, more like.

[davertfnewman]

Mr Frosty fits into that category of toys that are either single or limited use. Cluedo only has so many sheets on the pad that you use to tick off who you've got and who you've not. Chocolate dispensers don't have top-ups. Toys with slime or putty often dry out. Then you have things with caps that once used you're done (Thunder Punch He-Man, cap guns, etc).

[SuperBacon]

1 hour ago, Chris B said:

Mr Bastard, more like.

This has had me chuckling for ages.