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The 2018 Royal Rumble surprise entrant pool


HarmonicGenerator
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As is UKFF tradition, when the Royal Rumble's round the corner - January 28th this year - it's time to tell us who you want to make a surprise Rumble appearance.

Last year only had Tye Dillinger, and that was so unsurprising a surprise that nobody here even picked him. Even more surprisingly, Brian Sewell, Season 6 Of Lost and Fred Dibnah On A Pissing Steam Train all failed to appear.

 

What do you have to do?

Just pick up to or around 3 people you want to turn up unexpectedly in the Rumble!

Post a picture to add to your post if you want, but you don't have to.

It's also good if you can run down how you think they'll do in the match, what will happen to them, and why you want them to appear. You don't have to, but it's more fun to read than a list of names.

 

The rules:

You can have anyone, wrestler or non-wrestler, any gender, dead or alive, real or fictional. Only pick someone dead or fictional if you're really confident they'll show up.

You can't have anyone currently active on the main WWE rosters unless you change their gimmick ie Kylo Reigns or Les Miz, or if they’re on long term injury.

Only the specific gimmick you state will count. If you pick Rikishi and The Sultan shows up, you get nothing.

NXT people and part-timers are boring choices, but fine unless they announce their entry beforehand.

DON'T BE BORING. This is the most important rule. The point is to come up with something fun rather than trying to be right!

You can't have the Big Boss Man. I’ve already heard rumours this is his year.

 

Deadline's the weekend of the Rumble - Friday 26th is your last day to enter.

 

So let’s do this! Who do you want to show up on the 28th?

 

 

Picks so far:

air_raid - Les Dennis / Keith Chegwin / Shaun Williamson

Alex Wright Mark - Freight Train / Chris Waddle / Pugwall

Arn Anderson's Darb - The Rohit / Haku / Arn Anderson

Astro Hollywood - Big Alan Jackson / Emmet off Keeping Up Appearances / 'World's Fattest Man' Jack Taylor

bigfoote - Charlie Haas / Wade Barrett / Rocky Johnson

brailobadge - Val Venis / Honky Tonk Man

CleetusVanDamme - Ernest 'the Cat' Miller

cobra_gordo - Steve Blackman / Alf / an Ultimate Warrior Hasbro

D@mm - Lars Sullivan / Roderick Strong / No Way Jose

eugenespeed - Triple H's eldest daughter / Rodney Trotter / Michael Stipe

FourtyTwo - James Storm / Stone Cold Steve Austin / Maven

Frankie Crisp - Mab / Zach Gowen / Andi Peters

Glenyrck Pilchards - Richard Simmons / DDP / Simon Dean

Grecian - The Duke of Edinburgh / Alex 'the Pug' Porteau / Peter Sutcliffe

Gus Mears - Clinton Baptiste / Sir Ringo Starr / John Virgo

HarmonicGenerator - Jim Neidhart / Gabbo / 'Smart' Mark Calaway

jazzygeofferz - Lex Luger / Fake Sting / Singer Sting

johnnybgoode82 - 'Sharing Chocolate' Mark Henry / Gene Simmons / Michael Knight, Bo and Luke Duke / Garth Knight, Coy and Vance Duke

Jon-Carr_92 - Norris Cole, BayBay / Santina Marella / Nacho Libre

Kaz Hayashi - Ini Kamoze / Atlas Ortiz / Terry Nutkins

Keith Houchen - Pipes / Nicolas Witchell / The protester Nicolas Witchell sat on

King Coconut - Lauren and/or James Harries / Simon Weston

libertine - Peter Beardsley / Stephen Hawking / the woman with the constant expression of surprise from the local McColls

Lion_of_the_Midlands - Carlton Palmer

Loki - Bobby Lashley / Batista / Glacier

Merzbow - Colin Delaney / Insane Clown Posse / Disco Inferno / Lance Storm

neil is brill - Big Bubba Rogers

Nick Soapdish - Ryback / James Ellsworth / Toadfish 'The Lawman' Rebecchi

Onyx2  - The Three Faces Of Kay

Philjax - Kevin Spacey / Rick / a Porg

PJ Power - Mr Kennedy / CM Punk / Eugene

PSF - Caitlin Jenner / Roland Rat / John Anderson

PunkStep - Chris Jericho / Conrad Thompson / Jane McDonald

Really Big Shoe - 'Sailor' Mike Love

Scott Malbranque - Alison Hart / Planet Stasiak / Vince Vaughn's character from Brawl In Cell Block 99

scratchdj - Alvin Stardust / Tufty the Road Safety Squirrel / Dave Benson Phillips

Sergio Mendacious - Ken Boon, on his bike / Super Calo / Ted Arcidi

Simpo - Gene Parmesan / 'Ruthless' Andy Ridgeley / Mini Vader

SiWri - Guy Goma / Pinky Punky / a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden

SuperBacon - Colin Kaepernick / Tracy Beaker / Shaquille O'Neal

theironshake - Hand / Finger Mouse / Heather Mills' prosthetic leg

thevestofdeanambrose - Bruce Hart

Tommy! - Linford Christie / Hulk Hogan / Brutus Beefcake

UK Kat Von D - Christopher Daniels / Frankie Kazarian / Curry Man / Kenny Omega / Young Bucks

Vegeta - Mark Hughes / Boromir / Agent Dale Cooper

 

My picks:

 

We reach the end of the first third of the Rumble and it’s time for a legend to turn up.

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It’s JIM THE ANVIL NEIDHART! Inspired by hearing his daughter talk about winning the women’s Rumble, big Jim has entered the men’s match to try and make it a Neidhart double.

Well, that, and he’s run out of clean t-shirts and reckons he can rob one off Kevin Owens or Kassius Ohno.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work, and the two KOs eliminate Anvil.

-

“You’re gonna like me...”

For weeks, WWE TV has been filled with cryptic vignettes showing a mysterious character.

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“You’re gonna love me...”

Savvy fans online have spent countless hours analysing these videos for hints.

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(Whose chin is this?)

And all is revealed at the number 20 spot in the Rumble. 

“Cause I can do most anything...”

The lights go out. This video plays:

 

IT’S GABBO! GABBO HAS MADE IT TO WWE!

Gabbo comes in like a house on fire, showing a real hot streak, and then because he’s a hot new surprise debutant that the internet is going nuts for, he gets eliminated by Dolph Ziggler, kicking off a three month feud that kills his WWE career deader than a Krusty Comeback Special. 

-

Finally, 29 men have entered. One remains.

GONG.

What? Can it be? But Undertaker retired!

GONG.

He left his hat and coat in the ring at WrestleMania! This can’t be!

GONG.

Wait... that’s not the Undertaker! That’s...

a0eed3d5694b5ba0651b06db9eaec0c7.jpg

‘SMART’ MARK CALAWAY! Yes, since retiring last year he’s grown out his neck beard, taken to the internet and learned the real truth of the wrestling business, and now he’s back to set things right. 

He eliminates Roman Reigns by chanting ‘CM PUNK’ really loudly at him. He tells John Cena he sucks with such venom that Cena, reduced to tears, eliminates himself. And because he no longer has the mobility to go over the top rope himself, just like the Iron Sheik at WrestleMania X-Seven, he wins! 

‘Smart’ Mark then gives away his winners’ spot to Daniel Bryan, and arranges it so that WrestleMania is headlined by Daniel Bryan taking on Daniel Bryan in a 3 1/2 Hour Iron Man match. Bryan wins 147-0 but the crowd still boos for some reason.

 

 

Now it’s your turn!

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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At the mid point of the rumble out comes an Olympic gold medalist wrestling can be proud of, it's Linford Christie. He sprints to the ring, obviously, and cleans house with a delightful double dump over the top rope before a few victory laps of the ring. 

 The clock hits 0 and it's just the right gay at the right time, in the red and yellow it's The Wood, the woodster, hulk hogan. He lifts Linford Christie over the top and places him on the apron, hogan steps out to meet him as the clock reaches zero. 

It's Beefcake, he distracts Linford Christie while hogan pulls his pants down causing his two feet to hit the floor, it's a technicality but he's out, as hogan is left with the mixed emotions of supremacy and jealousy. 

Beefer and the wood do a criss cross before being eliminated by someone on the active roster to a chorus of boos. 

Edited by Tommy!
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Chris Jericho- will be a little bit unexpected as fans are expecting him to just do WrestleKingdom before going off to piss about on boats for a bit.

Conrad Thompson- Hey hey, he makes his way to the ring, asking the announcers at ringside 'who booked this shit?'. He is eliminated by Kane but they then brokers a deal where he provides support for Kane's campaign in return for the big red machine agreeing to have Conrad consolidate his debts for him.

Jane McDonald- she goes straight after Jericho and eliminates him! She warbles something about being the real Queen of The Cruises. This eventually leads to a match at WrestleMania for the Cruise Championship (renamed after she won it from Enzo on 205 Live), where Jericho is victorious to get his heat back. Meltzer would give Jericho another seven stars for this match if it was inside the Tokyo Dome, but as it wasn't, he classes it as a 'dud'.

Edited by PunkStep
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The Rumble is well underway, and number 7 is about to come out. In the ring, we have Seth Rollins, Zack Ryder and other bland mid carders until we hear the horn...

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ITS CHOO CHOO TIME as 2013 Internet favourite Freight Train makes his big debut! He sprints to the ring like Ryback sprinting to the Steroid Van, then cleans house with stiff as fuck lariats, he does a international spot with Seth Rollins which ends with Train hitting a flying headscissors, and hits a Destino on Chad Gable! 

Unfortunately, Freight Train gets carried away later in the match as he hits a suicide Shooting Star Press on Kofi, who was doing his traditional Royal Rumble spot where he finds innovative ways to get back in the ring. 

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Number 15 is Chris Waddle! He does a snapmare, and kicks people in the back, who then go flying over the top rope like the ball over the crossbar at World Cup Italia 90. He gets eliminated by Roman Reigns, who Waddles does kick, but Reigns no sells it because it makes him look strong. 

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Last by no means least, Australian Kids TV favourite Pugwall! He and Elias decide to team up, and eliminate everyone until it's just them two. "From one sound cunt musician to another, lets perform The Orange Organics classics" Pugwall suggests. Elias grabs the Guitar, and they perform a smashing rendition of There's No Reason Why. Elias is a much better vocalist than Fleet. After the song, Pugwall goes to shake Elias's hand, but Elias blindsides him and throws him out. Unfortunately, Pugwall dislocates his shoulder whilst trying to cushion his fall on the apron, hence having to cancel an Orange Organics World Tour. 

 

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About halfway through, midcard traffic jam, waiting for number 16. Alliances forming and breaking, Gable and Benjamin the only tag team currently in the ring. HONK! Jason Jordan races to the ring and starts clearing house. The crowd is mild, and a dubious 90 seconds later...Angle's theme plays. The roof comes off as this man emerges - 

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It's Charlie Haas!!!

Shot of Gable, Benjamin and Jordan all slack-jawed. 

BAH GAWD! Benjamin blindsides Gable and Jordan with a double clothesline elimination and we have a WGTT reunion!

 

...

 

Some time later, the countdown for 22 starts. The ring has thinned out, 4 or 5 in the ring, HONK

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"I've got some bad news". Barrett has returned.

Making a beeline for Kofi Kingston (who has avoided elimination in many wacky and improbable ways). BULL HAMMER!

 

...

 

29 have entered. One Superstar left.

IFFF YA SMEELLLLLLLL!!!!!

 

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Soulman Rocky Johnson, at the age of 73, comes out of retirement.

Belying his years, he runs riot, until it's just him, and the Bossman.

They go 20 minutes, back and forth, until, with one last gasp effort, the man from Cobb County, GA, Bossman slams Johnson over the top, to win the 2018 Royal Rumble, and go on to main event Mania.

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We're about a third of the way through and Ziggler has just cleared house. The countdown on the Titantron starts and the big buzzer sounds when some hardcore German techno starts thump thump thumping around the arena. It can only be....

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Everybody's favourite bail-bondsman STEVE BLACKMAN legs it down the aisle, hardcore championship belt that he found in a skip in one hand, kendo stick in the other. He proceeds to paste the shit out of Pot Noodlehead to the endless applause of everyone on Earth.

 

We're at the half way point now. Most of Zigglers blood has been cleared up. There's a couple of big time names in the ring and we're close to seeing Kalisto get eliminated when the lights go out and a "YOOOOOOO!" echoes around the arena.

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It's Alf! Who is promptly eliminated straight away by being drop kicked in to row F due to being a puppet.

 

It's time now for entrant number 29. The crowd is at fever pitch as a familiar pumping guitar riff hammers out of the speakers. You thought you'd never see it, the wrestlers in the ring stare in terrified amazement at the entrance ramp as out runs.....

warrior2.jpg

AN ULTIMATE WARRIOR HASBRO!!!! An updated video package plays in the background featuring such highlights as that time he fought Skeletor at my mate Lee's house or the time he leg dropped Action Man off the top of the Ghostbuster's fire station. Every wrestler dives over the top rope in terror making a 3 inch high plastic toy the last man standing and goes down as the greatest Royal Rumble winner of all time, even better than Sheamus.

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James Ellsworth Colin Delaney has managed to stay in by sheer luck until it's just him and Strowman, how is this little oddity going to manage to escape the grip of this hoss? The countdown ends and the chinless very skinny one is on his knees praying for help.. "EVERYBODY COME SEE THE GREATEST SHOW!" Shaggy 2 Dope runs to the ring while Violent J waddles who's no longer fat follows behind as Braun inexplicably starts dancing and The Oddities 2000 are formed. Asuka later joins the stable and the internet explodes.

 

My 2nd pick includes even more dancing! Your boy D.I, the Disco Inferno with the sweetest haircut of his career.

 

And last, the human charisma vacuum from Calgary, Alberta, Canada.. Lance T Storm.

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The rules have been read, the crowd waits in anticipation and we’re about to find out who our number one entrant is. The Titanton fades in and shows the Mersey Ferry as some synth-80s music plays. Wait, that's the Brookside theme tune. Out he comes; it’s... it's Mab!

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Excitingly sliding into the ring, he refuses to face the hard camera and instead opts to give the WWE Universe a side-on view. Before the second entrant can be announced, he frantically runs to one ring post, then to another, then the third followed by the final one. Out comes Braun Strowman at number two who enters the ring and absolutely twats him.

Braun throws him over the top rope and Mab is stretchered to the back, whilst hazily muttering something about reaching four posts. He dies from internal bleeding and wins the Wawya Award in Wrestlemania week.

Other two? Dunno. Zach Gowen and Andi Peters.

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The rules have been read, and the first entrant is introduced. As the first twangs of ‘Rule Britannia’ fill the Wells Fargo Arena, the crowd is silenced. Is it the return of the British Bulldog? Harry Smith? Maybe even Pete Dunne?

It’s none of them - it’s The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip!

He’s been filling his time since retiring from public duties by hitting the gas and learning to wrestle. Unfortunately, he doesn’t last long, after inadvertently racially abusing Nakamura, Big E and The Miz with the same insult, all three gang up and throw him over the top rope. He’s escorted out by security for his own safety after then making inflammatory comments about himself, the crowd, Donald Trump, Jim Ross’ Bells Palsy and AJ Styles’ haircut. Vince immediately puts him into the Hall of Fame.

 

Midway through, and the action is starting to taper off a little. Looking to put a little bit of life back into the match with a popular legend, WWE have rehired Alex ‘The Pug’ Porteau, from the mid 90’s New Generation! Starting back right as he left, he’s gimmickless and utterly talentless, and is eliminated fairly easily when his own momentum from an attempted clothesline takes him straight over the top rope.

 

It’s time for the number 30 entrant. The hush falls over the crowd as they prepare for a final shock entry. The buzzer sounds. The lights go out. A single spotlight shines down onto the aisle, a gasp as Howard Finkel steps into the light. He lifts the microphone to his mouth, and says, as only the Fink can: ‘Ladies and gentleman, it is now time for your number 30 entrant!’

He steps aside, back into the darkness as a silhouette emerges into the spotlight. The camera rushes in. Who is it? Who is deserving of such an entrance? Who is big enough for the Fink to personally introduce?

 There’s an audible gasp as his features are revealed - it’s none other than Peter ‘The Yorkshire Ripper’ Sutcliffe! As he strides down the aisle, to the crowd asking ‘Is that Seth Rollins’ dad?’ he leaps into the ring, pulls a claw-hammer from his back pocket and promptly massacres Roman Reigns, making himself the biggest babyface in the company, until a poorly-judged pairing with Bayley on that mixed tag thing brings out the Ripper in him, live on Facebook.

 

 

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