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Getting Turned on by Torvill and Dean


Gus Mears
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The big Christmas light switch on is something I look forward to each year in the parochial Shire towns around where I live. I barely ever actually go to them, of course. But I eagerly await the announcement of which celebrity from the 70's/80's will be hauled out from the local bingo hall to switch on the dribble of piss that constitutes as Christmas lights in Trowbridge, Chippenham, Westbury or some other godforsaken town I have lived in.

 

This year Chippenham has TORVILL AND FUCKING DEAN!!! Britain's favourite (only) ice skaters. I am actually going to attend this with some friends, mainly to look at the utter confusion in people under the age as 15 as they question their parents why it isn't someone off X-Factor. 

 

Other cracking memories include the Salisbury Christmas light switch on, where we had Phil Mitchell for what felt like 46 years in a row, because he happened to own a bunch of woeful clubs in the area. During one particularly exciting year, some people got hit by fireworks that went awry to really jazz up proceedings. 

 

Trowbridge is back on form through with someone I have never heard of. CHARLIE STUBBS OFF CORRIE! is going to be taking names, kissing babies, fucking divorcees and LIGHTING IT UP! this Saturday. 

 

Any good (by good I mean awful) names around where you live? Can anyone top Torvill and Dean?

 

 

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This year, Shayne Ward from X Factor and Coronation Street fame was supposed to switch on the lights here. God knows why since he wasn't doing panto here or anything. Then for whatever reason, he bailed.

 

"Don't you dare be sour! Because we have Sam Bailey to replace him" they said. Bailey switched on the lights last year and performed a few songs, in which a camp lad I worked with described as "magicial". Again, for whatever reason, she cancelled.

 

So they just got a bunch of local people who have done wonders with the community to switch it on instead. Still beats that twat Tom Daley, I suppose.

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This year's Lincoln Christmas light turn on turned into a triple threat turn on. Number 1 was Mayor of Lincoln, Councillor Yvonne Bodger (Deputy Mayor Alan Badger unavailable I'm guessing) Number 2. Lincoln Paralympian Sophie Wells (Horse Dancing gold medalist at Rio) Number 3. Kerry Katona. She is in the local panto, which makes a change from Fraser Heinz I suppose.

 

Torvill and Dean would have been better.

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We had a real treat in Bath once. Mary Berry and Hugh Cornwell from the Stranglers. I can only assume they pressed the Wikipedia 'random page' button and went with the first two people who came up. Looking forward to Anne Widdicombe and Jello Biafra this year. 

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We had a real treat in Bath once. Mary Berry and Hugh Cornwell from the Stranglers. I can only assume they pressed the Wikipedia 'random page' button and went with the first two people who came up. Looking forward to Anne Widdicombe and Jello Biafra this year.

 

I nearly went to bath one year to see Nicolas Cage turn on the Christmas lights. Unfortunately the car broke down so I couldn't make the pilgrimage but I heard it was very well attended.

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I think if I could pick one rubbish celebrity to switch the lights on it would be a single member of a particularly terrible double act. I could see the residents of Warminster going wild in the aisles when Norman Pace hits Copheap Street to switch on the Poundland Christmas lights.

 

Actually, I would want Gary Tibbs from Adam and the Ants. Only because once I went to a record shop during Record Shop Day and he was stood moping around in the corner, expectantly looking at people who walked near him. Willing them  to start going "HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE GARY TIBBS!!". Like lots of 20 year old Londonites are going to know who the shittest member of Adam Ant's band is (apart from me, obviously). 

Edited by Gus Mears
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