Post of the Year 2015

[HarmonicGenerator]

Kicking off this year's batch of potentials with Ian's state of the union in #BorashFace:

 

You cant go back. I enjoy the old stuff purely for nostalgia. Not because I'm desperate to watch the Nasty Boys vs the LOD. There's just different levels of enjoyment from the new stuff and old stuff. The reason I continue to watch is because I want something to excite me. I dont think I've honestly ever reacted to a result like the Undertaker one earlier this year. I was in chat and I felt the shock from everyone in their via text on a screen. It was like every fan in the world came together with the same reaction. It was amazing watching. That's the feeling I'm after. You cant get that re-watching old stuff. You just smile and remember how cool it was playing with your hasbros as a kid watching it. Things have to progress. WWE's shows being shit at the minute have nothing to do with it being 2015 and not being 1992. Because if you read those old Observers and PW Torch newsletters they were celebrating this wonderful era like we were. The mid-90s are considered the worst era ever by most. You wouldnt have known it in our house. A wrestling show being shit has nothing to do with the time frame. Its all to do with how its presented. And sadly at the moment WWE and TNA just isn't at the races. WWE I can see picking up, because they have their good periods and bad periods. TNA is just TNA. Even when it had its moments it still had Claire Lynch and Devon as a outlaw biker. For as bad as WWE has been this year, they still gave me that Evolution vs Shield feud, they still gave me that Hogan, Austin and Rock segment, they still gave me that Brock vs Cena match and they still gave me the Undertakers streak ending. Not to mention those NXT specials. Raw might be shite, but if you stick around long enough you're going to get a treat eventually.

 

It does make me wonder if Cole and JBL will be loved in years to come. Like how we miss Gorilla Monsoon and Vince McMahon, even though they are considered beyond abysmal by the grown ups of the late 80s/early 90s. JR and Bobby Heenan are the only WWF commentators who get praised really. And that's because they are a one off. You dont get prime JR and Heenan anymore. You only got one each back then.

[Undefeated Steak]

+1. Summed it up perfectly. 

[PunkStep]

Only just seen Kookoocachu's review of the McRib, brilliant post in a style of Fifty Shades meets Carry On meets Super Size Me.

 

 

Well I finally had one on Saturday and it left me with conflicting feelings of both violation and enjoyment.

 

I'll start with how excited I was the night before that I would at last sample what so many say is some kind of orgasmic experience. While I was not expecting anything amazing, I was looking forward to seeing and tasting what this sensation is all about. A little nervous though as I never usually venture beyond my Big mac or double cheeseburger, and when I have in the past I have been so very very disappointed.

The day arrived and we made a special trip to the drive through in Ryde for the event. Newport restaurant would've been packed and we didn't really want to get out of the warm womb like safety of the Discovery anyway. With every mile my excitement grew. Within the hour I would be able to discuss The McRib having sampled it for myself, no longer would I feel left out. A sudden pang of panic hit the both of us as we drew nearer. What if they had sold out? What will we do? We assured ourselves that it was just paranoia and drove on.

On arrival there was no queue which was a nice surprise. There was however one cunt in front of us in a 106 who decided to get out of his car to pull his trousers up and in doing so dropped his phone on the floor. A mixture of a snigger and fed up sigh seemed appropriate.

After picking up our precious cargo we made our way down to the spot where all McDonalds drive throughs must be eaten: The seafront. The weather made the experience extra cosy, and we congratulated ourselves for making the right decision to stay in the dry and comfort. Watching the hovercraft go out I was passed my meal, fighting temptation to look in the McRib box as I always eat my chips first. Chips and bottom of the bag stragglers done, I picked up it's box and in a fashion that I can only describe and Link opening a treasure chest, revealed what I had been waiting for.

The second I saw the large piece of 'meat' my heart started pounding. I worried over how it would fit in my bun but with a lick of my lips the worry was forgotten. I grabbed it with both hands marvelling at it's juiciness and tried to fit my mouth around it as best I could. It was quite a struggle, such a large thing sliding all over the place through my hands and mouth. I wasn't sure about it as it was so intimidating, but I succumbed to it's sauce as it made it's way from my lips to my chin and figured I was enjoying it. It's sweetness filled my mouth but I could barely contain the sauce. Before I knew it, it was over.

I wasn't sure of what had just happened to me, or if I really had enjoyed it.

 

Then we went home and fixed my cat's tank.

Obviously someone had to ask about the last line and the response also got a giggle out of me:

 

 

Why does your cat have a tank?

 

Why shouldn't she?

 

[tiger_rick]

Butch's ode to Savage is brilliant. I always thought he had more in common with The Genius than just being beardy and effeminate!

[HarmonicGenerator]

Seconded. Here's PoetButchi's post in full.

 

 

From the Observer:

Hulk Hogan was announced as the inductor, which is unique, given Savage hated Hogan with a passion for years. But Hogan claimed that he and Savage had made up before his death, and while Hogan’s credibility isn’t the best, those close to the situation believe the story. Lanny Poffo said he picked Hogan to induct Savage, saying that he believed, deep down, that they both loved each other, even if they didn’t get along a lot of the time.

What a worker Lanny is.

 

Lanny is accepting on Randy's behalf, though, so I cant wait to hear the poem he does.

 

 

The Genius has a poem for us all.

 

Randy was my brother,
Elizabeth was his dame,
And here we all are tonight to do what isn't lame,
We've come from all over, from Paris to New England's Maine.
We're here to put Roy Wood from Wizzard in the Hall of Fame.

 

He was born a strapping lad,
an Italian-American Jew,
So as we keep that heritage in mind,
Dr Death, alive, this would offend you.

 

His father was Angelo,
the world's cheapest man,
He'd have rather given me away,
than give that grand to a fan.

 

Randy's athleticism was plain for all to see,
but not enough to suck his own cock, like his brother, me.

 

He played in the minor leagues, for the Cinncinati Reds,
but at Baseball he was fair shit, so he went into wrestling instead.

Angelo made his own fed and pushed us to the moon,
Randy wrestling Ronnie Garvin every fucking night, and promoing like a loon.

 

But this fed was an outlaw, and from elsewhere we we blackballed,
and from a store he shoplifted steaks, and the local papers LOLed.

But while we were there he met a rat, an average girl called Liz.
She presented our TV, had loads of work done, then was worth a Jizz.

 

Liz should be inducted herself, with her beloved Lex,
When he was done for battery I thought it was Lee Chapman's rough sex,

Angelo's fed had a roster of 8, and one of them were blind,
so it's not too much a surprise, we were accured by the Jarrett's sharp mind.

 

Good old Randy feuded with the King, then he teamed with him too,
but unfortunately he left before he got to triple team Miss Texas in the loo.
But Jeff Jarrett did and so did Lawler, they had jungle fever,
as in that Tennesee shower room JC Ice saw them pound her beaver

 

He turned on the King and lost a match,
It was a "Loser leaves town",
however he was off to New York,
Where he'd snort a lot more coke down.

 

It was the year 85 at first he did arrive,
loyally he took me, like a boil on his behind.

 

He also took Liz, a valet who'd harden a fan's cock,

Although she never got to fuck Beefcake, as her dressing room door Mach would lock.

In hardly anytime at all he was the secondary champion,
could John Lister clarify this, but was it seen on Grampian?
He beat Tito Santana, a firey Mexican sort...
But he was boring.

 

Later on, for all to see, he'd take a mouthful from a hairy bald headed beast
but enough about homeless cock (NSFW - https://images.encyclopediadramatica.se/5/57/Homeless_at_night.jpg ) against George Steele his legend increased.

 

Wrestlemania 2, then Saturday Night's special, the ref was Dean Malenko, probably wanting to wrestle.
Steele couldn't get it done, so he found a new contender. A lad who looked dead Chinese, and with his kid was Tender.

The match was at number 3, in front of loads of people,
Steamboat says the match was shit, as it was planned and to him that's fecal.

 

Al Snow moans about it too, but quite frankly fuck him,
and in a famous epic match, Steamboat got the pin.

Next he had a turn to good, v a man who'd Honky Tonk,
All because he'd wanted to play a tune upon ol' Randy's conk.

 

The feud was heated, but isn't it strange that Savage the babyface,
still treated Liz like a slave, perhaps of a darker race.

Honky had some special friends managed byJimmy Hart,
one had a stroke and the other's on crack, and Randy's wig they tried to part.

 

But Liz the rat got a man, and Randy brushed with greatness
His name was Mr Hogan, and Liz admired his straightness.

For she knew way back when he was hung like a flask,
as he threw it up Liz and Linda. He only had to ask.

 

Mr Hogan and Randy formed a team called the Mega Powers,
Randy would wonder were Liz was, when gone at the small hours.

Randy won the title, all thanks to his better Hulk,
a man well hung and orange, and with tremendous bulk.

 

But as time went on Randy's thoughts played amongst his head,
"Is my Superior Hogan making a play for my Liz's bed?"

His jealousy drove him insane, and on Hogan's blood he'd dine,
but when they met at Donald Trump's plaza Lord Hogan handled him fine.

 

No longer with a belt, Liz would fuck off too,
probably to the "Private Club" with Lady Hogan as she'd do.

But Savage was a noble man and soon he became King,
Beating Jim Duggan, although it didn't really mean a thing.

 

By this point his brother, me, became a Genius,
I managed Mr Perfect, beat Lord Hogan, and self-fellated like Ouroboros.

The King soon had another foe, a fat fuck common man,
clad in polka and rolls of fat, he looked to have a washing ban.

 

Liz returned to much applause, and on Piss-smell Polka's arm!
Along with a fat black woman, not Kong no cause for alarm.

The match they had in Toronto, to call it shit would be je jeune.
Let's just say the highlight was a future dub having Polka enter to the theme off Wheel of Fortune.

 

The fat man's team won, Randy took them lightly,
but he beat him in the summer event and that was pretty much it for 90.

In 91 he wanted more, to again hold up the belt,
but a right wing nutjob on steroids held it, and Randy played an ace he was dealt.

 

Randy was not alone, his queen was called Sherri,
and she pretty much fellated the nutjob on the Rumble PPV.
Pretty much however isn't the whole way, and the nutjob did say no,
to Sherri's question of a title shot, which Randy thought a low blow.

 

Later on that evening, nutjob wrestled the Sarge,
a compulsive liar who bumped as big as his chin was large.
Nutjob had it under control, and looked about to win,
Til Randy off his tits on coke with a scepter did run in.

 

The nutjob meant the title, and wanted sweet revenge,
"This town ain't big enough for us both" he cried,  "My loss I shall avenge"
So in a bout they did meet, the loser must retire.
The ex-Liz watching from the crowd, emotion couldn't be hire.

 

They had a classic, let's be fair,
but the story of the match was not the physical affair.
Instead at the end, Randy's hand was not raised,
however Liz ran in, filled in Sherri, and Savage won Fair Maid.

 

Now they were back together, and the fans they did applaud,
and they decided to get married, an idea all adored.
They danced to together, and made the family proud,
until Crack addict Jake turned up when he was not allowed.

 

Perhaps a bit of an overreaction to not being invited to a wedding,
as later on, during Superstars, Randy was bitten off a cobra not shedding.
Savage petitioned Ol' jack Tunney to let him please come back,
While behind the scenes all was not good as Hulk and Linda did Liz's crack.

 

Jake the Snake was overcome in early 92,
he ended up doing even more drugs, online fleecing marks for a bob or two.
But a new champion was strutting around saying he'd had Liz first,
a horse nosed alcoholic, for the ladies with a thirst.

 

They met at Wrestlemania VIII in one of the matches of the night,
but because Randy planned it out Ric thinks it a little shite,
Randy won his title back and Liz's honour proctected,
Unfortunately she went off TV then for their divorce, dunno if it was projected.

 

He wrestled Ric here and there, and nutjob in London too,
but he was really winding down in 1992.
Vince wanted new young stars, and Savage was older than Hogan,
not to mention steroid testing, so he'd wrestle with a shirt on.

 

Savage announced and was still there till 1994,
but in the ring he passion lay and felt he could give more.
So he phoned his good friend Hulk who knew an Easy E,
he paid Randy lots of money, and had to hire me, Yippee!

 

So to Atlanta he did go, ready to contend,
and when he got there he would drink with Hogan his good friend.
Easy E would let them drink backstage, a backstage that was hell,
due to an atmosphere less than professional.

 

1995 came and it was time for Slamboree,
Randy had an idea, which was loved by dad and me.

 

Angelo was a wrestler,
of little mainstream renown,
and as Randy politicked him into the Hall of Fame,
Gordon Solie had to frown.

Solie by then was shite and a drunk,
but also by then he'd been 'round the game longer than Terry Funk.

So Solie threw a UKFF, and decided he would announce he'd leave.
The WCW mods deleted his account, and older fans did grieve.

 

Savage also got his hands on Ted Turners' top title,
winning a battle royal as Lord Hogan whined, and this reign was truly vital.

As took on Flair around the horn, and Ric was with rat Liz!

A feud that finally drew money on the road, it really was the Biz.

So with WCW's house show's saved, Savage was near the top.
However, Lord Hogan returned, evil, and beat Savage like a Ferguson Cop.

 

Hogan and friends were the nWo,
and to the gold club they'd all go.
Treated well there, time of their lives,
as DDP and his neighbour would publicly share their wives.

 

If you can't beat em join em, and Savage turned to Black,
and turned on by his edge, Liz's love for him was back.
Not to be libellious, but the rest of this is anyway,
I wonder if they also went the Gold Club, to swing away the day?

 

Savage had tremendous tussles with aforementioned DDP,
a man 67 years old, always wondered what his wife saw in him, me.
Battle they did for most of 97, but in 98 they'd not.
For Randy joined the wolfpac and then his knee did rot.

 

Savage was out of most of a year, and needed to wile his time,
so he went into strip clubs and found a lady fine.
Young Stephanie her name was, a name that was familar,
perhaps he'd slept with one before? And was close with her familia?

 

Stephanie the stripper became Gorgeous George, and see gave teens a stiffy,
a stiffy lost in 2014 when she'd FB Msg a handsome man, lonely,tearful and with no money.
But this was back in 99, before young childhoods were pissed on,
So if I was asked to give marks out of two? I'd certainly have give her one.

 

So in 99 he came back, with the lovely George in tow,
Off his bones on steroids his match quality was low.
In fact he only seemed to come back for like 4 or 5 months,
but enough for a title reign and to have three valet's muffs.

 

Then he went away again, only surfacing in spring 2000.
And that was for a one shot, but his pop was real not canned.
Still, off he went to a life away, away from the business.
And now that Hogan wasn't making him money, in Randy's eyes he was shitness.

 

Savage was ghetto, so he'd do a rap.
He called out Hulk to be a man, and called him full of crap.
Then in 2004, for big money, he went to TNA.
But he who needs to "Be a Man" was the real winner that day.

 

For Handy Randy had a fear, and this fear was known.
It was that Hulk, who's "not a man", would show up at the impact zone.
So Rapping Randy, had conditions or would not be there at all,
He was scared Hogan would beat his arse, so he insisted on guards Crush and 8-Ball.

 

But it was all for naught as Savage only did two shots.

According to Polka, if he couldn't give it all he rather then would not.
So credit where due, for knowing when to quit,
Just like his heart when it did causing him a tree to hit.

 

But joking apart, he really was great,
and it's a shame to induct him as he's described as "late".
And really, the worst thing about this, do you know?
It meant for years we had to suffer Punk's fucking awful top rope elbow.

 

 

[Scott Malbranque]

That's going to take some fucking beating. +1 all year round

[King Coconut]

+1 It brought a tear to my eye. Jap's obviously.

[Shane O' Mac Version 2]

Was making a rare venture to Off-Topic to post Butch's poem, glad to see it is being given its due credit. +1, obviously.

[Maverick]

Another nom here, he's lain down the gauntlet for the rest of the year

[Retro Red]

Given that I grew up watching wrestling on Grampian, that reference alone makes me give this as many pluses as is possible.

[IANdrewDiceClay]

In response to Raw potentialy being cancelled.

 

Given Vince's judgement lately, I'm guessing they just replay the Benoit tribute edition of Raw.

 

Proper corker that.

[tiger_rick]

In response to Raw potentialy being cancelled.

 

Given Vince's judgement lately, I'm guessing they just replay the Benoit tribute edition of Raw.

 

Proper corker that.

 

Seconded. Proper LOL.

[Slapnut]

Came in to nominate Lister's post, great stuff. +1.

[Carbomb]

Not been following WWE for a while (really want to catch up, but been really busy), but Supremo's post on the Rumble is tremendous to read - I feel like I've sort of been briefed quite effectively on the most important points:

 

 

I cancelled my subscription. Not in some smarky grand gesture, I was probably going to do it anyway since I barely use it anymore, but the second half of that Rumble match was the final nail in the coffin.

It's my own fault really for allowing myself to get so excited about the show. I love the Rumble, so I took the day off work so that I wouldn't have to avoid spoilers, and after reading the rumours about The Rock being there I ended up imagining it being the greatest Rumble in history. They had so much in their back pocket that I fully expected them to throw everything at the wall in order to make it truly memorable. Orton, Jericho and Sheamus could all have been brought back, then once you add The Rock I was about ready to burst with excitement. Rock vs. Brock! Finally! Plus, after last year's shambles I thought they'd come up with loads of cool spots and ideas. It started off well enough, but then as others have pointed out it completely fell flat after about number 15 and the rest of the match was a drawn-out reminder of everything that's currently wrong with WWE.

Everyone is a fucking goof. Everyone. With each passing entrant it further highlighted how many talented guys they've had, with the potential to be stars, only for them to be booked into oblivion. I was borderline in love with Dean Ambrose last summer. Now he's a total chump who loses all the time. Wyatt was hot as fuck leading into last year's Wrestlemania. Remember that incredible Eminem music video? But even with all the victories they've given him he's lost tonnes of momentum since they inexplicably split the Family up. Ziggler looked like he'd finally turned a corner coming out of Survivor Series. Now he's the loser who said, "90 days?" What a twat. Even Ryback could have been something, if they consistently booked him properly. And worst of all, Roman Reigns was the fucking man a year or so ago. I remember creaming my pants at a .gif somebody made where he went from smiling at Triple H to scowling once he'd walked past. The very idea that he'd one day go solo and smash the fuck out of everyone seemed awesome. Now his character is so screwed up that rather than actually address how badly they write everyone they just try and get an established star from the past to come back and embarrassingly endorse him. Poor Rock. He's better than this.

Even the spots they did come up with didn't really work. Miz and Mizdow should have been able to write itself, but both guys just ended up looking rubbish. Same with that spot where the Wyatt Family were together. At first it looked like they might reunite, and the crowd went crazy, then they teased Harper and Rowan attacking Wyatt, and the crowd went crazy, so they then went with Harper and Wyatt double teaming Rowan, the shittest of all the options, and the crowd accordingly died. Even the annual Kofi spot felt flat because of when it was positioned. Everything just felt wonky and badly timed. It was also the perfect crowd for one or two NXT cameos, a quick showcase of Neville or Zayn, but we got nothing.

I don't blame the fans for wanting Bryan to win. He's the only one who hasn't been booked to look like a complete bell-end these past few months, and that's only because he hasn't been around. Had he been healthy all year he'd no doubt be as damaged as everyone else is. People are talking about how shallow the roster depth is, but that's simply not the case. Anyone with a good mind for this business would die for the roster they currently have. The problem lies entirely with how horrendously everyone, even those who are booked to win, are portrayed. I genuinely believe half of the reason Brock is still such an incredible asset is because he's not around long enough for their awful writing to harm him the way it does everyone who works there full time. Make Brock a full-timer and he'd be trading losses with Big Show and Kane in shit TV main events for months on end.

And worse still, everyone on the planet knew that putting Bryan in the Rumble was suicide if they still wanted Reigns to win. When it was announced he was in I just assumed that Bryan was winning, since I couldn't imagine them being so stupid as to repeat their mistakes from last year. It legitimately blows my mind that they either didn't think it would happen again, didn't expect it to be as bad as It was, or were dumb enough to think getting The Rock to endorse Roman would fix it.

On a positive note, the triple threat title match was outstanding, and Seth Rollins' true arrival as a main event talent. Fucking hell though, they better make sure Brock signs on for another year or two because otherwise this company is doomed.

[HarmonicGenerator]

Enjoyed this one from Cannibal Man in Random Thoughts. Lovely nostalgic story which I'm sure we can all relate to.

 

 

Road Dogg was pretty big around here, too.

 

I remember when Attitude was coming out and none of us had any access to the internet, so we were relying on lies and half truths from twats in school and games magazines covering it every month. We were watching the updates like fucking hawks because all most of us gave a fuck about was whether Road Dogg was in it. 

 

Gamesmaster had an ad for it maybe a month or so before it came out and had pictures of HHH, Billy Gunn and I think Chyna, among others.  We went absolutely apeshit with fear in the way people and kids do when they know there's a logical answer to something but choose to believe the worst until the truth is there singing With My Baby Tonight into their face. Panicked, I was then somehow conned into ringing Acclaim by the small group of mates I had and asked a receptionist who'd clearly been asked all sorts of absolute shite about this game from 12 year olds all around the country for months now, and before I could finish asking her whether Road Dogg was definitely in it she put me through to a phone advert without saying a word and I spent the next three or so premium minutes reading everything out aloud to them until we got to Road Dogg. We all cheered, then went about getting beat up by harder kids and letting people Gangrel DDT us onto gym mats for a fleeting moment of popularity.

 

The joy lasted about as long as it took for the phone bill to arrive.