Celebrity Big Brother 2015

[MoKonjic]

From what I've seen of her before, she's actually really funny. I can see a double turn happening with her and Alexander.

[KingofSports]

It's like watching the most depressing Royal Rumble ever.

[Ron&Hermione]

I'm enjoying the little facts they put up, half taking the piss out if the people. I enjoyed the "he beat out Leo Dicaprio for the role" for the Baywatch guy.

 

I've really warmed to Celeb Big Brother over time and it's a great watch with a partner. So I'm all in for this one.

 

Hopkins will definitely turn face for a lot of it, until one night at 2am after some drinks. Then the public will react like she is Rey in the rumble.

[PowerButchi]

Last January gave us the finest series of CBB in history. Not just in the house either, Lionel Blair verbally putting Jasmine Waltz over his knee on Bit On The Side was pure gold, let's see if this year's up to the mark. If the rumoured entrants are true I feel it can/ I can't see Ken Morley, if he's in, being nothing but a 24/7/365 gimmick, and hopefully he'll fuck Katie Hopkins on a waterbed above his shop and it'll leak and Maud Grimes will tut at his behaviour before sucking off Percy Sugden.

 

Anyway. In the words of Gordon Sumner, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT'S SHOWTIME!!!

 

From the opening it looks to have a dark fairytale theme this year. Perhaps Big Brother is evil? Out comes Emma Willis, and despite being about 52, she's still super duper fit. This is my favourite wrestling show in the whole wide world. The first housemate gets a mystery mission.

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand housemate #1 is Channel 5 personality (easy to book), professional troll, and fan of al-fresco fucking Katie Hopkins. She's looking to be a breathing Daily Mail comment section, but I reckon she'll run dry of her ranting4rent and be really fucking dull and quiet by day 3. She's giving it the Hulk Hogan ear cups as she comes out to a cacophony of boos to Celebrity Skin by Hole. Much like her Skin hole was once plowed on a country gate when she wanted to be a celeb post-apprentice. She knows her role here, calling the crowd unintelligent and riling them up, but I see her drying up. She hasn't got her "Sun Newspaper". Fuck you. She looks very horsey you know. She's heeling it up well. I don't see a babyface turn ala Jim "Best of a Bad Bunch" Davidson. She's already shooting her UN-PC Middle Class sub-Clarkson bolt before anyone's in.

 

THUNDER STRIKES, WIND BLOWS, AND THE MIRROR OFF SOME FAIRY TALE I DON'T KNOW GIVES HER A TASK. Katie's really blowing her load too early, but she's gonna be the Brutally Honest Mirror. She's gotta pick the two most boring housemates and then re-enters as normal, and I predict a SWERVE here. Emma pretty much confirms this.

 

During the break an advert spoilers Calum Best as a housemate. Thanks, fucks. Needs Paul Danan too though. Everyone's favourite sex-addicted Aunt Bessie Roastie lookalike.

 

On with the next housemate. Patsy Kensit and she says she's an actress but I don't think she's done fuck all in years. Maybe Holby City? I can see her being dead boring and melted into a load of pound shop-Sienna Miller tears by Horsey Honor Blackman lookalike Hopkins. She's wearing a lot, you know, because she's cool and with it and was shagging one of Oasis. She appears to be wearing Big Daddy's cape. Her and Emma Willis have a mutual appreciation society. She seems really, really nice, and going on about missing her kids already, so she's fucked. Hoping she has a Vanessa Feltz esque breakdown. She's in the house effing and jeffing. Swearing too much because she's cool. I swear because I've a shite vocabulary and nothing more interesting to say, what's her excuse?

 

Next housemate is Perez Hilton and I don't know who he is. Quick google and he's the TMZ bloke. But when I hear his voice all I can hear is Mr Slave. Butch's mum "He's very light on his feet isn't he?". That's polite 60 year old woman for "He's a poof". He's come dressed as the cheapest model Action Man. £7.99. I don't like him as he's American, talks with his hands, and he's that fake happy. He'll settle into the background and do well, can see him being a housewives favourite as he's not threatening to their menopausal mimsys. He's in the house and it looks like him and Kensit know each other-ish. Get on dead well anyway. Everyone will suck his dick cause he'll get them over on the outside. If there's a god this'll turn into Divas vs Jungle Cats. Reg Holdsworth leading the Jungle Cats.

 

FUCK YEAH! AND IN COMES REG! Already calling himself a love god, and he's already my favourite. The man's a total gimmick and i LOVE IT. eSPECIALLY DOING HIS INTRODUCTORY VIGNETTE IN THE SPAR! He says he's volatile and I reckon he could have a McCririck side. AND HE'S ONLY GOT ONE BOLLOCK! FANTASTIC!  Why are some people booing him? Twats. He's wearing the wrong specs as he enters but his too big suit coat and Nigel Bates shirt and tie combo is over with me. Emma Willis is as wet as the Corner Shop's floor was when he had a crack at Maureen. His son is pointed out and looks disappointingly normal. Unfortunately Reg milked it too much and so they couldn't speak to him, but the revelation he marketed his own aftershave has me grasping for air. This man is my favourite. Hopefully if they do a task when they send in their family they send in Curly Watts instead. He's singing as he enters and Perez has never seen anything this awesome. He's got the air of the Biggins about him which is really reality TV gold.

 

We check in Katie and hopefully she hates Perez because he's American. And yes, she doesn't like Perez. Good. Reg Holdsworth was in fucking Corrie, he uploads upskirts online. He's essentially a photographer from the Daily Sport with a laptop. Don't like him. Also I don't like the fact that most of the housemates, especially obligatory fame hungry early 20s model is probably gonna toady up to him to fuck to get inches on his site when they leave.

 

Note: Yes, I know his name is Ken Morley but he's always gonna be Holdsworth to me. So, at the half hour point I only like Reg Holdsworth properly.

 

Aaaand we're back and Emma Willis is still a stunner. And it looks like it's time for obligatory fame hungry early 20s model. It's Kami Lee, who's "Kind of a big deal". Never heard of her. If she's a big deal, a man who left a soap 20 years ago and only done window adverts and since must be a fucking fame collossus. She swears too much, and is sucking herself off saying she's fit and funny and dead bright and STOP FUCKING SWEARING. FUCK. MY FUCKING MAM'S WATCHING THIS. "Bitches be cray"? Do fuck off. Don't like her. She's a dickhead. Crowd hate her too. Although I can see those mammoth mams because making me warm to her if she has a Jasmine Waltz attitude to interpersonal relations. "I THOUGHT YOU SAID TITS!" - THAT'S THE JOKE YOU FUCKING BELLEND. Don't like her. I know I've said it before, but don't like her. She's also said "I'm fun". So she's going to be a dry as stale happy shopper medium white toast. I can see her being all over Perez Hilton. And fuuuuck, they know each other, probably as he's responsible partially for being a "Big deal".

 

Number 5 is my son, Calum Best. He's a professional reality TV person, so there you go. I can see him and Kami have a showmance. Not much to say about him really that has never been said before. This is his life. He actually doesn't exist but is kept in a lock up in Ealing frozen, only thawed to appear in reality TV shows. When it's over they take him back there. He's boring as fuck going from past experience of him in reality TV, only being good in a subservient role to Dangerous Danan. He looks old as shit nowadays though.

 

On with the housemates, and it's former tit shower Alicia Douvall. And shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. She's been replaced with the Bride of Wildenstein. She's fucked Lee Ryan, Mick Hucknall and Dwight Yorke. Well so's everyone else. Yorke tried to chat up my sister in the Corn Mill, Llangollen once. But my sister's a bit racist so nothing happened there. She's got a thing with Calum Best apparently. Wonder if he knows. "I'd never have sex in the house as my mum would be watching". Does she not read papers Alicia? Anyway, she's certainly had a hard innings looking at her. I used to wank over her as well. Wasted spent passions, them. She appears to have had shit taken OUT of her face for going in the house and looks less like Lolo Ferrari, but still like a child's yellow bucket and spade on the beach as regards cosmetic makeup. She's working down them stairs like she's pissed. And Calum's face is a marvellous "Oh, fucking hell." picture. He hugs and kisses but it's all very false. Hilton can't say Alicia properly because he's a fucking cretin and so is saying it over and over again.

 

Next in is a proper talented celeb man, soul singer Alexander O'Neil. So I expect him to be the first out. It does smell a bit of "We couldn't afford to get Lionel Richie" though. Walkers can, why can't you? "I was the biggest singer of the 80s." I love that level of delusion. He hates farting and apparently it wakes him up. That's some sensitive senses. "When life's giving you lemons, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, make lemonade". Alrighty. I like him, he seems friendly. Let's see if nighclub botherer and my least favourite housemate Hilton knows who a real name is. He didn't know Holdsworth, so I doubt it. Alexander's very formal. I like that in someone. Fuck all that fake hugging and kissing. Firm handshakes, "Hi, Alex, pleased to meet you.". He's already a favourite. Very genuine he seems. Perez Hilton is bending his ear. He talks too much. Calum's already all over obligatory famehungry early 20s titmodel like a dogs lipstick on my leg when I couldn't climb the tree to get away from that bonkcraving Golden Labrador in 1994.

 

At half time I'm not sure if it's a super interesting line up so far. Hopefully there'll be the odd blockbuster in the second half. Katie's half time's thoughts are that Alexander is dull, but she's calling trainers sneakers. Fuck you Hopkins.

 

Next into the Lion's Den is less fit sister of Julia, Nadia Sawalha. Formerly being in Eastenders and getting off with Phil Mitchell I'm hoping for Soap Wars with Butch's Pick Reg Holdsworth. She seems nice and normal. Reason for going in "I want an extension for my kitchen". Ha! I like her, she seems look good people. Hoping she doesn't turn into Annoying Middle Aged Woman. She gets a decent pop, probably just because she just seems nice. Her and Emma get on well. That's neither here nor there though.HOW THE FUCK IS SHE MATES WITH THAT GOBSHITE HILTON? Don't like her. You get judged by the company you keep, and he's a dimlo.

 

Next in is Jeremy Jackson who played the son in Baywatch. And he's a former child star, so he's probably gonna go cold turkey in the house. He looks nothing like he used to. Probably because he's no longer 10. HE IS DRESSED FUCKING SWAG! THAT'S HOW A MAN DRESSES! VEST! RED PLEATHER KECKS! FUR COAT! FUCK YEAH! That is fucking beast. He looks like a pimp off I'm Gonna Get You Sucka. I like him. He's buttering up the crowd and they're buying. They seem to be hinting the mother fucker's got OCD. This'll be interesting then. Especially when Alicia Douvall ends up going mad and shits on the breakfast bar and he can't find the bleach. Everyone's seems to swear a lot.  Alexander greets him with much dignity, and I can see the elder statesman not lasting too long.

 

They talk to Katie and she's amazed they've have paid Jeremy more than a tenner, and it's made this episode a bit meta. "He was on TV when he was two pretending to be someone's son, and he's on here now, whatever age that is. Is that all it takes?" and I all of a sudden feel dirty for watching this as perhaps the biggest bitch in the world says something incredibly true.

 

I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, IT'S KAVANA!  Man behind two top 20 hits in about 1996, meaning he's a league or two below Let Loose, and Jimmy Ray (Who wants to know? Who wants to know?). He doesn't half look like Grado, you know? Kavana, it's yersel. Apparently he did drugs in about 1998. Well so did everyone else, and at least Sean Maguire did "Today's the Day" to be a little Britpop and it was the theme for Get Up and Give on GMTV. DANE BOWERS IN THE CROWD. I saw his porno with Jordan and his cock is tiny and he toes her fanny. It's wrong. Dane Bowers, not Kavana. Me talking about this is just waffle to fill time until the next entrant as Kavana's a real non-entity. Was a bit of one in the late 90s, to be honest.

 

This is Michelle Viasge but I don't know who that is. But she says she's a bitch so it's either gonna be her vs Katie Hopkins, or her and Katie Hopkins teaming up as some kind of expiring body clock Road Warriors. Oh, she's friend o' the gays. She's obsessed with the UK, including the TV. I expect her liking camp things and UK TV to drown in her own lubricating fluids when she sees Butch's Pick Reg Holdsworth as the man's the megastar for those things. She's now talking to Emma and she looks like Ming the Merciless. If she's mates with Prick Hilton I'm gonna go spare. "I can let my gut out now!". Oh fucking hell, another one for Perez's divas. Reg and Alexander better be Jungle Cats. Better be. And no she didn't know Reg. And Reg, rightly, looked pissed.

 

Katie likes Michelle, wait till Michelle finds out Katie doesn't like The Gays. So it looks like it'll be a rivarly. Or mates to the face, bitches to the back. There's probably two more to go in by my reckoning. I suppose they're keeping Cheggers, if he's in, as the climax. Him and Reg Holdsworth as Team Panto please.

 

And in at number 12, and it's Chloe Goodman from the reality TV sensation Mfffmffffmfmfff. Not a clue what it is. She's got her arse out already in the pretape, and if I wasn't such a nice guy I'd say they're trying to push her into a fuck triangle with Butch Jnr Calum Best and Kamy Lee. Think Jasmine, Casey and Lee from last year, only Calum's not gonna be as much of a fucking grade A cunt as Lee Ryan as no-one on the entire earth is. Apparently on Eggs on the Beach or whatever her Realitry Vehicle was she was the "Controversial One". She a Britain First member in it or something? She's boring on entry in the house and looks like  Jo O'Meara crossed with Jasmine Waltz.

 

AND FINALLY, IT'S FUCKING CHEGGERS! HOPEFULLY WITH A SPECIAL BREW CAN WITH THE BEER POURED OUT REPLACED WITH WHISKY SO PEOPLE "DON'T THINK IT LOOKS AS BAD" AND MAGGIE PHILBIN'S TEETHMARKS ON HIS COCK LIKE THE OLD DAYS! He's got his cock out on Channel 5 before so he's got form. I do like Cheggers though. Him and Reg better be best friends forever. He seems self aware which is always a bonus to me. He gets the megapop as well as he cokmes out. He's this year's Hulk Hogan. He comes off well, hopefully he doesn't turn out to be a massive queerbaiting rapist. Or, thinking about it, maybe he does as to be honest I think this series could be a bit dull. "Aren't people lovely?" Aww. Keith makes a beeline from Alexander, and they talk about Fiona Bruce. TV GOLD!

 

KATIES DECISION TIME: The two least entertaining housemates are... Oooooh, they're making her do it in the Diary Room. Hopefully they put motherfucking reveal shit on the screens for the housemates. We're handed over to Big Brother. Two least entertaining housemates are up for eviction, not too much of a swerve. OOH! ANOTHER TWIST! Oh, Katie has to be nice, it's not much of a twist. But it's clever of the producers and makes buku sense as she'll be dull as dishwater and out of ammo by Friday otherwise. Katie's on a rant about the housemates, she's very good at this to be fair. She's a very good pro-wrestler. SHE DOESN'T LIKE PEREZ. Katie Hopkins automatically goes up in my eyes.

 

She re-enters the house, greets Alex and he gives her A LOOK! He's onto her. Fuck yeah. Hopefully they clock what's about to happen is her doing. I reckon Alexander will. he knows something's up and his voice is as smooth as silk and he's the biggest star of the 1980s. The two up for eviction are... Chloe and Alexander. Alexander? Fuck you! He's a gent. Keep him in!

Anyway, that's the launch, and it's a someone muted one. I don't think it'll be as good as the two last year from first impressions, but they're often wrong. Especially mine. Have you seen some of my exes? Anyway, Team CheggRegO'Neil.

[IANdrewDiceClay]

It's like watching the most depressing Royal Rumble ever.

This reminds me, years ago my Dad told me "guess who's in Big Brother? Hulk Hogan's mate." Except he didnt know his name. My brain immediately went "Brian Knobs? Beefcake?" Then I watched it and it was Dennis Rodman. So gutted. I was thinking Jimmy Hart was in there or something. Fucking Hulk Hogan's mate.

 

EDIT: OH FUCK! Its the return of Big Butch's Big Brother Blog. Or #5B as its known on social media. I'm hyped.

[Arch Stanton]

Butch is right about Alexander's chances, especially now he's first up for eviction. Shame.

[waters44]

Im interested to see how Cheggers comes across in this. I used to live opposite him and he always seemed alright despite his massive ego. He once jumped into his neighbours garden and cut a tree down because it was blocking the light into his garden, and didnt understand why they might be a bit annoyed about that.

[MoKonjic]

He once jumped into his neighbours garden and cut a tree down because it was blocking the light into his garden, and didnt understand why they might be a bit annoyed about that.

 

That might be the most amzing thing I have ever read.

[Glass Smash]

These days CBB seems to have better bookings than I'm A Celeb.  Considering the difference between the budget with ITV and Channel 5.

[PowerButchi]

On the exclusive Alexander is breaking out the "Mother fuckahs" and "Playas" all over the place. New found love.

[WWFChilli]

Kavana came to see my porno play, fun fact.

[Bellenda Carlisle]

Pretty impressed with the lineup this year, I always watch the launch just to see who's going in and who the token American fuck up has-been is but the people in this time are a good enough mix that I might keep watching.

 

Patsy Kensit: "It's going to be nice getting a break from my phone". It must be nice for her to not have her phone and not have to hear her agent not calling her all the time.

 

Callum Best is really hunky isn't he? Bloody hell, what a fine figure of a man.

[The Maestro]

Just flicking through the channels and noticed that MTV are showing last night's episode of CBB. Not sure why that is. Maybe because of all the Americans on there?

[Glass Smash]

Just flicking through the channels and noticed that MTV are showing last night's episode of CBB. Not sure why that is. Maybe because of all the Americans on there?

 

It's because Viacom who owns the MTV Networks had just recently purchased Channel 5.

[garynysmon]

I think i'm slowly turning into my Dad. Been watching some of it and the first thought that came into my head was "She'd be a pretty girl if she didn't ruin herself with all those horrible tattoos."

I'm only watching this because Reg Holdsworth is on it. He looked like he was back in Betterbuy when he was going through the fridge earlier.