The Official UKFF RAW Thread...

[Pinc]

I once heard Clive Tyldesley say that San Marino had literally parked the bus in front of their goal. They hadn't.

[Your Fight Site]

Someone mid-anecdote blurted out they “literally shit themselves”. I immediately highlighted that phrasing to their embarrassment.

[PowerButchi]

That's a Partridge of an anecdote there.

[JNLister]

Guy I know turned "literally" into a Gormanesque quest and show: http://www.parryphernalia.com/?page_id=11

[King Pitcos]

I don't mind the US title open challenge but when you know it's Rusev vs Cena on ppv in a few weeks you know he isn't likely to lose or drop the belt making it pointless.

 

The t-shirt alone makes it seem obvious he's not losing the belt soon, including to Rusev. But it could all be a swerve!

[bobby dazzler]

Never gonna happen I know but to fantasy book for a moment, Kurt Angle answering Cena's open challenge and having things go full circle would be cool.

 

Paige mentioned wrestling in "high school gyms", has anyone in the UK ever really used a secondary school assembly hall for a wrestling show?

 

Also,Rosa Mendez even struggles to bump under the bottom rope!

Edited April 14, 2015 by bobby dazzler

[DCW]

Boring enough Raw. Can't see the point in Neville losing to an afterthought like Ziggler, fair enough it was a competitive match, but still. Should at least give him half a chance before he gets lost in the shuffle.

 

Thought Uso's big arsed wife cut a decent promo, the bit about wins and losses meaning nothing was a bit close to reality though.

Edited April 14, 2015 by DCW

[King Pitcos]

Never gonna happen I know but to fantasy book for a moment, Kurt Angle answering Cena's open challenge and having things go full circle would be cool.

 

Watching this show, I thought Cena's turned into WWE's Kurt Angle since winning the US title. He's the resident top-level veteran, whoring his finishers out trying to make epic TV matches with midcarders.

 

Paige mentioned wrestling in "high school gyms", has anyone in the UK ever really used a secondary school assembly hall for a wrestling show?

 

 

 

Some schools have probably used leisure centres for PE.

[PowerButchi]

Yeah, I can say from personal experience I've both MCed at shows in secondary schools, and in Year 10 used to go the local Leisure Centre for 5-a-side in PE.

[IANdrewDiceClay]

FWA used to run shows at Harrow High School. I remember Jody Fleisch taking a dive off the monkey bars.

[knightmare]

i think the high school gyms was for the USA crowds to understand.

[Linus]

Hey, it's WWE Raw! And it's from London...

 

The show started with the usual pyro. And, because it was London, there were giant Union Jacks, a red telephone box, and a black cab on the stage. That's right. Because remember when they were in San Francisco and had that gay pride theme? Or when they were in Florida and had half of Disneyland on the stage? Yeah, me either. STOP PATRONISING US.

 

Aaaaaaaanyway. John Cena came out to loud boos and an even louder chorus of "John Cena Sucks". He looked like he was enjoying it. And why not? You may as well go with it, right?

 

He put over the crowd and said that he thinks London deserves to host Wrestlemania. But, he said, the people who make that decision have decided to make them wait. Just like Rusev has decided to wait until Extreme Rules to have a re-match for the US Heavyweight title.

 

Cena said he wanted to fight tonight, and so issued an open challenge to anyone in the back, which was answered by Bad News Barrett.

 

Barrett, who Michael Cole told us was from Preston, "an hour away from London", got lots of cheers. Let's forget for a moment that Preston is actually four hours away - Barrett is actually from Prescot (still four hours). Pedantry, right?

 

So Cena and Barrett had a decent ten minute match, with both men kicking out the other's finisher like it was Wrestlemania. Cena got the win after hitting what I'll politely call a "modified" springboard stunner, then an AA, for the pin.

 

Rusev's music played and Lana came out onto the stage, impatiently waiting for Rusev to join her. When he didn't appear she began to speak, chiding Cena for criticising Rusev for making him wait. Suddenly, Rusev appeared behind Cena and attacked him, beating him down with a chain.

 

Lana announced that their match at Extreme Rules would be a Russian Chain Match, whatever the hell one of those is. Rusev posed over a fallen Cena as the Russian flag dropped. The fans, because London is the latest Bizarro World, cheered Rusev & Lana loudly.

 

The announcers told us that Randy Orton and Seth Rollins would both have matches tonight, and whichever man won his would get to choose the stipulations for their match at Extreme Rules...

 

Oh, Christ, it's the Divas' Battle Royal. The Bella Twins were on commentary but added little of interest.

 

Okay, imagine how bad this could be. Now double that. And you're still nowhere near how bad this fucking thing was. Oh, and they did that awful thing of not requiring them to go over the top rope to be eliminated, just hitting the floor in any way. Because women, amiright?

 

Paige won. And then told us this was her house, or something. Her accent is very distracting. She was attacked from behind by Naomi, who is upset that she pinned Nikki Bella twice and still doesn't get the title shot at the next PPV. I guess the lesson is stop being a woman or something?

 

Hey, it's Bray Wyatt! He cut another of his confusing talkies from wherever he cuts them from. He does them so well but they make about as much sense as, well, The Big Show still being around the main event scene. It was all about replacing love with fear. So I dunno.

 

After a break, the Lucha Dragons came down to the ring and the crowd were very into them. They had a good, short match with The Ascension, who are at least used to playing base for these guys on NXT. The Dragons won when Sin Cara pinned Viktor with a senton after Kalisto had hit him with the SDS.

 

Roman Reigns came down to the ring to talk to Booker T. His music was VERY LOUD. That's because, as soon as his music stopped so he & Booker T could talk, the boos were also VERY LOUD.

 

Reigns is still dining out on getting beaten up by Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania, and said he was close to winning. Ehhhh. But, he said, Seth Rollins had stolen his moment. But that's okay, he said, because he'll be WWE World Champion one day.

 

Booker T said that, if it wasn't for The Big Show knocking him out last week, Reigns might be facing Rollins at Extreme Rules. Reigns said The Big Show screwed him and called him Rollins's "giant bitch", because swearing is cool.

 

Suddenly, The Big Show appeared on the TitanTron. He made me LOL by saying, "you're a bum, Roman" and then said he would make it his job to ensure Reigns was the biggest failure in WWE history. The crowd chanted "boring" at him. Harsh but fair.

 

Reigns said The Big Show was either lazy or had no balls, and if he didn't fight him he'd shove the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal trophy down his throat and retire him for good. And he could catchphrase that.

 

The announcers began talking as Reigns walked to the back but suddenly Reigns was attacked by The Big Show. He used Reigns as a weapon to dent the black cab a bit for what seemed like ages. The crowd, initially enjoying the assault, began chanting, "please retire", as the assault continued.

 

After a break, Michael Cole said that Reigns had refused medical help and had walked away under his own power. Is that his gimmick now? That he gets beaten up a lot?

 

Hey, it's Randy Orton! He's fighting Cesaro, who came to the ring with Tyson Kidd & Natalya, and if he wins he gets to pick the stipulation for his match with Rollins at Extreme Rules.

 

They had an insult of a match which ended in two minutes when Tyson Kidd lightly brushed against Orton on the outside and the referee called for a DQ. Reader, I was insulted.

 

Luckily, I wasn't alone, because Kane came out and ordered the match to be restarted - as a handicap match, with Orton against Cesaro and Tyson Kidd.

 

Guess what? If your guess was that the WWE Tag Team Champions were defeated by That One Guy then you, sir, are correct. Yup, Orton - on his own, remember - earned a pinfall victory over the WWE Tag Team Champions when he pinned Tyson Kidd after an RKO. *sigh*

 

Backstage, Seth Rollins was watching the end of the match on a TV. He asked Kane if he had any other bright ideas, and Kane said that if Rollins won his match, he'd get to pick a stipulation, too.

 

Rollins said, in that case, he wasn't facing Dolph Ziggler, as planned. He wanted to fight Jamie Noble. Noble wasn't so sure and Kane told Rollins to quit messing around.

 

Rollins then told Kane that it should be Rollins versus Kane, and that Kane should lie down, because that's what's best for business. Kane stomped off.

 

Hey, it's Adam Rose! Among his Rosebuds tonight were Zack Gibson as a crusader, and Dave "The Bastard" Mastiff as the scariest leprechaun EVER.

 

Rose, who's been off Raw for an age, was fighting Dean Ambrose. Given Ambrose's recent record, this could be the start of the Adam Rose comeback trail...

 

Except, of course, it wasn't. Ambrose won in two minutes with Dirty Deeds. One day they're going to run with Ambrose. I hope it's soon.

 

After a break, Stardust was in the ring ready to fight Fandango. They went just over ONE MINUTE. FIGHTING SHOW! Stardust won with a kick to the face.

 

After the match, Fandango grabbed a mic' and said he knew why he'd been losing, and looked over at Rosa Mendes. Just when I thought they were outright copying the angle from Lucha Underground a few weeks ago with Son of Havoc & Ivelisse, he said he'd gone wrong sharing the gift of dance with Rosa and not the whole world. His old music hit and the whole crowd began Fandango'ing. Aces.

 

Backstage, Daniel Bryan told Kane that he shouldn't lie down for Seth Rollins. Bryan said that that was one of the things that put WCW out of business and said he felt sorry for him. Kane got mad but Bryan told him to be a man, not a stooge, and walked off.

 

Hey, it's Seth Rollins! He came down to the ring with J&J Security for his match with Kane. Kane came out in his suit and then slowly disrobed, like the world's most unwelcome stripper.

 

Rollins ordered Kane to lie down and Kane did, but then kicked out at two! J&J Security came in but Kane shoved them away. Rollins began shouting at him so Kane smacked him and prepared for the chokeslam. Rollins told him to think about his job so Kane backed off.

 

Rollins kept talking, though, and Kane chokeslammed him and then signalled for the tombstone. He came to his senses, lay down next to Rollins and pulled one of Rollins's arms over him to make the pin.

 

After the match, a disgusted Kane left the ring quickly. The announcers told us that Rollins and Orton will each pick a stipulation later.

 

Backstage, Mizdow was shown walking down a corridor.

 

After a break, The Miz was in the ring. Mizdow, accompanied by Summer Rae, came down for a match. And what a match! Less than two minutes, with Mizdow winning with a roll-up. FIGHTING SHOW!

 

The Prime Time Players cut another knuckle-gnawingly bad promo, this time on Los Matadores. They outed them as Puerto Ricans. Outing is wrong.

 

Hey, it's The Ryback! Remember how great his match was with Luke Harper last week? You don't have to! Because they're doing it again!

 

This went - guess what? - less than two minutes, and The Ryback won with a DQ after Harper used a bit of the announcers' table to smack him in the tummy.

 

After the match, Dean Ambrose came down to the ring looking for Harper but Harper took a powder through the crowd...

 

Backstage, Byron Saxton spoke to Naomi about her actions earlier. She went full heel, although she also went full babyface when she asked why wins and losses don't matter in WWE. Ehhh, I dunno.

 

Back in the arena, Dolph Ziggler was in the ring. He said he was supposed to fight Seth Rollins but Rollins had weaselled out of it to fight Kane. So he was issuing an open challenge to the back...

 

Neville! He came down and he and Dolph had a really good match. One thing, though: last week, Neville lost to Seth Rollins after another good match and they said it didn't matter because Rollins was WWE Champion so the rub was good anyway. Tonight, he lost to Dolph Ziggler, who isn't any sort of champion. I don't get it, I really don't. Naomi - I'm with you!

 

Remember to tune into Smackdown, because The Big Show will reveal why he smashed a black cab up with Roman Reigns's limp body. Can't wait!

 

Hey, it's our main event! It's not a match. It's not even a contract signing. It's a "choose your stipulation" thing. And not even by spinning a wheel!

 

Rollins came out first, with J&J Security, and there was a Barker Lounger and two armchairs in the ring. Because if there's one thing you want your fighting champion to be it's relaxed.

 

Rollins reclined in his chair and said the crowd could boo him all they liked (they really didn't - Bizarro World) but that he was still the future of the WWE. He told Orton to come down so he could deliver the news to his face.

 

Orton came out and noted that Rollins looked comfy. That's a word I never thought I'd hear in a build-up to a World Title fight.

 

Rollins revealed his stipulation - he was banning Orton's greatest weapon, the RKO. What if Orton just used his stipulation to unban it?

 

He didn't, though, he said he was banning Rollins's greatest weapon - The Authority. He said they'd fight in a Steel Cage, with The Authority unable to help Rollins, and God knows Steel Cages have been impregnable lately...

 

Orton said that, since the RKO was banned at Extreme Rules he'd have to give the crowd their money's worth tonight. He tipped over Rollins's chair and took out J&J Security. He hit an RKO on Mercury but Rollins ran away. Orton stood tall in the ring and that's your show...

 

This was an Okay Show. It just had zero flow and I seem to remember the Raw from Liverpool being the same. For the last time: Ehhh, I dunno.

[King Pitcos]

Barrett is actually from Prescot

 

 

No he isn't.

[Dr.PeterVenkman]

 

Barrett is actually from Prescot

 

No he isn't.

Yeah he's from Penwortham, which used to have an ace chippy, still has a good pub though so it's got that going for it

[Linus]

 

 

Barrett is actually from Prescot

No he isn't.

Yeah he's from Penwortham, which used to have an ace chippy, still has a good pub though so it's got that going for it

 

Huh. Colour me corrected. I could have sworn he's been announced as being from Prescot. Why would I think so otherwise? My brain!