Earth Swallowing

[DavidB6937]

If that doesn't pop up on social media filmed terribly by another holidaymaker and go viral I'll be very disappointed.

[FLips]

Happy Birthday to who Frankie?

Was it aimed at someone, who’s name did you say when it got to the “Happy Birthday dear…”?

Sounds like a nightmare. That would wake me up screaming for years.

[Statto]

That story actually reminds me of one, that has the inverse punchline. 

A group of my mates set themselves up as a function band, for whom I'd occasionally dep on vocals. I did such for one gig, a birthday party for twin girls at a very nice country house down a mile long tree-lined drive. Whoever they were they had plenty of money. Couple of the lads claimed they saw Dave Gilmour at the party, although I didn't. 

Anyhow, came to the point in the set where you'd remind everyone why they're there and play/sing Happy Birthday. Give it the big build up, then turn to the keyboard player who's job it was to accompany the singing. See he's got a look of terror on his face. He's had a complete mental blank on how to play Happy Birthday. 

In a fit of panic, he just starts playing the first thing that comes to mind. Which, for some reason, was the main theme from Jurassic Park. 

There's no coming back from that. 

[DavidB6937]

22 minutes ago, Statto said:

In a fit of panic, he just starts playing the first thing that comes to mind. Which, for some reason, was the main theme from Jurassic Park. 

Did they attempt to sing Happy Birthday to that theme?

[deathrey]

Oh @Frankie Crispthat's like something off a sitcom. Well done for staying on stage though as I probably would have bottled it and walked off

[Frankie Crisp]

2 hours ago, FLips said:

Happy Birthday to who Frankie?

Was it aimed at someone, who’s name did you say when it got to the “Happy Birthday dear…”?

Sounds like a nightmare. That would wake me up screaming for years.

A woman on the first row whose birthday I knew it was. The look she gave me when I started…

[deathrey]

I bet there's a forum somewhere where she is talking about this crazy man she met on holiday who got up and stared singing Happy Birthday to her

[Statto]

2 hours ago, DavidB6937 said:

Did they attempt to sing Happy Birthday to that theme?

No, but it has become a running joke in our circle.

"Happy bir-irth-day, happy bi-irth-day, happy birthday to YOUuuuu..."

[Chest Rockwell]

On 3/24/2024 at 9:50 PM, DCW said:

You can see where this is going

Tbh, this being the UKFF, I assumed you were going to shit yourself. So it actually worked out better than I thought it would for you.

[Frankie Crisp]

13 hours ago, deathrey said:

Oh @Frankie Crispthat's like something off a sitcom. Well done for staying on stage though as I probably would have bottled it and walked off

To be honest, I meant to post in this thread when it was first created because I’m a walking crap sitcom when it comes to making a fool of myself. Once I get round to sorting that census out, I’ll jot down more of my calamitous experiences so you can all wonder how I make it through a day.

Edited July 16, 2024 by Frankie Crisp

[Carbomb]

17 minutes ago, Frankie Crisp said:

To be honest, I meant to post in this thread with it was first created because I’m a walking crap sitcom when it comes to making a fool of myself. Once I get round to sorting that census out, I’ll jot down more of my calamitous experiences so you can all wonder how I make it through a day.

The first series will be based around your dating life, with the finale being you finally find a partner. Then it's about everything else.

Some Mulvers Do 'Ave 'Em

[air_raid]

Me and Mrs raid were looking for some pittosporum for ages. Thought we knew which one, there was some fairly healthy specimens growing on the front of a neighbours. One day I knocked on the door and a lady answered. I said ;

"My partner and I have been admiring your bush."

She laughed and said "Really?" - I wanted to die.

[5pints 2.0]

36 minutes ago, air_raid said:

Me and Mrs raid were looking for some pittosporum for ages. Thought we knew which one, there was some fairly healthy specimens growing on the front of a neighbours. One day I knocked on the door and a lady answered. I said ;

"My partner and I have been admiring your bush."

She laughed and said "Really?" - I wanted to die.

[Frankie Crisp]

Just got back from my mate’s wife’s 50th. Cracking night but it was in a questionable boozer. We’re putting it down to them not being able to get a function room at the start of the Christmas Do season.

Anyway, the toilets were an absolute disgrace. Just vile. Probably haven’t seen a mop or some Domestos since the end of the Cold War.

This became well-known throughout the room from the start of the party and everyone either just held it in, went to the boozer next door or just took the hit when they had no option. I fell into the latter category a few hours into the night and braved it.

Fucking hell.

I went in and as I locked the door, my shoes already started to squelch. But I was desperate. Lifted the lid and it looked like someone tried to replicate Chile with their arse. The flush wasn’t working. I tried. A lot. Visually it’ll scar me for a while but nasally I couldn’t handle it so I unbolted the door and walked out. 

Problem was, a young girl was waiting to go in after me, having just arrived at the party. I did a headshake, mimed cutting my neck with my hand and said ‘honestly, just don’t go in there’. She looked a bit confused but I just smiled and walked away, off to the pub next door, thinking I’d done her a favour. Didn’t think how it came across.

When I walked back into the room a few minutes later, her and her mates stared at me with utter disgust thinking I was the one who pissed on the floor and left a massive skiddie in the pan… and gleefully admitted to it.

 

[davertfnewman]

I'm surprised I've not posted this before...

I used to work in a call centre about fifteen years ago as a team leader and one of my advisors, a well-spoken older lady, came over to me to ask me to speak to a customer on the phone. The customer was a little miffed because she was a woman and kept on being referred to by male pronouns on the phone.

I put on the headset and asked if I was speaking to Miss so-and-so. A voice that sounded like a man affecting a feminine voice confirmed it was as I realised I was speaking to probably the first transgender person I'd met in my life.

Queue words to this effect:

"Thank you, Miss so-and-so. I'm sorry to hear you're a little upset that you've been referred to by the incorrect gender in the conversations you've had with our advisors, sir..."

I just wanted a hole to open up in the floor and to drop into it, as per the thread title. I think I just ran off to the pub next door where some middle-aged woman was having a birthday and opened my guts to find the toilet didn't flush.