The Worst of Television

[Maverick]

I actually really liked Shane Shane, Hardware then 2DTV was a good night's entertainment for a 14-15 year old Inspector. I imagine I might feel differently if I watched it back now though. Iv'e always loved Frank Skinner , just immensely likeable. Glad to see him having an Indian summer after financial problems and such.

[Frankie Crisp]

You should write a blog, Chilli.

[WWFChilli]

You should write a blog, Chilli.

 

If you recall Funtime Frankie (Skinner represent), I did a piece on here actually about Coming of Age, the whole first series. The fact that it exists still baffles me. Who the fuck commissioned that and thought "yeah, that's the edge were missing".

[Frankie Crisp]

Seriously? How the fuck did I miss that (the blog, not the show)? Is it still online to view? Wouldn't mind a gander.

[WWFChilli]

Seriously? How the fuck did I miss that (the blog, not the show)? Is it still online to view? Wouldn't mind a gander.

 

First posted on here January 11th 2011, feel free to mock my awful grammar and Brooker blow-jobbery...

 

I watched the first ever episode the other day. It was called "B...lowjob". Verrrrry WITAY.

 

The show starts with two lead characters having anal while doing homework, there is talk of having a "comfort wank" in the library. One character is Welsh (cos they iz funneh), there is a character called DK who fancies and I quote "fat mingers who let me put my jam in their doughnut" which is then followed by a million fat jokes (not a million, but it felt like it). By the way I should point out here to explain the plot of this episode it mainly hubs around the students expecting sucking their teacher off so they can get better grades.... ANYWAY back to the roflcopter, a male character then says he has "Men Problems" involving "bleeding out my knob" and "plugging a pencil into my japseye", YES you fucking read that. Following more hijinks with DK in which he raps about something to do with cock and women's "twats" and all the characters continually making fat jokes, we then have the teacher being confronted by female lead character Jasmine Brown (possible relation to Divine) who wants her E grade changed to a A.

 

She pitches her idea by saying she wants to make him "E-rect and E-Jaculate with her F-tits" (somewhere John Cleese is loading shotgun into his mouth) as we saw some hilarity as she leaves him in the pool naked to be caught by the whole school. FUCKING LOL eh............ LOL. And as for our mate DK well to get this fat girls attention by throwing and I am not kidding, a pork pie at her window and then reading her a poem. I have decided to re-print the poem in verbatim just so you can get the downright hilarity of it all.

 

Roses are Red

You are very Fat

Invite me Inside

And I'll lick your Twat

 

It's safe to say nobody needs to read the Whitsun Wedding's after this.

 

So "Coming of Age" has somehow managed to go for not just one series but for TWO bloody series with an average of one million viewers. one MILLION people watch this show, greatly amused by the hilarious episode titles including "Dick and Fanny", "I Suck Coppers", "Up the Botty" and ahem "Pussy Boy". I do not fully comprehend the brain disabling aspect of "Coming of Age". It's not a show that makes you lose IQ points, it makes you go flat out retarded, I've become stupider after watching it. I do not know right from wrong, I am so stupid after watching it that I actually wrote a massive rant on it. "Coming of Age" is a fucking awful show, it's the most dire show I have possibly ever witnessed, I hope everyone involved in it dies and there bodies are then piled up and set on fire for example that nobody ever tries anything like that again, fucking tossers... good day to you all.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The 2nd episode review from here on January 12th.

 

Are you ready for some Dick and Fanny... No it's not the abrieviation of ITV's "Take Me Out.... it's the actual episode title for Coming of Age ep 2.

 

We start with Matt and Chloe in the drama (how ironic) class as there in a play about the war. Their characters in the play is called Dick and Fanny... ARE YOU SURPRISED BY THIS REVELATION... of course not, to the writer of this show that fucking hilarious and what da kids like innit. Twat. Anyway the innuendo names lead to some 'classic' comedy exchanges such as

 

"I'm so glad you came"

"I'm very wet, Dick"

"I could do with something warm inside me"

"I'd prefer to stuff myself with spotted dick, dick"

 

So after they off some lines in what must be the worst play imaginable, Matt cannot seemingly kiss Chloe, in one of those "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" moments only upsetting to someone who's reality in based on Gummi Bears and back alley unprotected sex. We then go to "the random welsh prick" as he shall be named as he gets mugged by a very very small female ten year old mugger. It's like the scene where Mark gets mugged in Peep Show except a) It's not funny and b) It was written by a stroke victim with his feet. She muggs him and gets his phone by kicking him in the balls... THAT'S THE BEST IDEA THEY HAD.... REALLY?

 

Then we cut to DK, the lovable rapping, fat bird shagging rogue of the show, clearly inspired by classic TV characters like Del Boy and Robin Askywyth. He encounters Welsh Prick's missus Divine Brown, who is not talking to Welsh Prick. DK then shows Divine that he has found the "Ultimate Wank Mag" which consists of a woman next to car. He then shows a series of crude self made cut outs fo him shagging said model with there heads on porn cut-outs. It shpuld be noted here that this is a clear sign DK needs to seek some of treatment as he is clearly quite mentally unstable to spend several hours putting this collarge together, then again this is a character who clearly surpasses Columbo for cunning wit so what the fuck am I whinging about.

 

DK then says "everyone says I am stupid" (we guessed) and he eventually fucks off screen (I have realised at this point that DK is almost like an upgraded modern day version of Lenny Luther from Superman IV) and Welsh Prick arrives... he tells Divine he got mugged by a little girl, she laughs... no one else does. Prick says he has lost his mojo because of the mugging, then DK walks in and eats a slug (there is no real reason this occured).

 

The girls have a brief scene and Chloe suspects that because Matt did not kiss her, he MUST be gay, yeah fat people one week now the queers are gonna take a thrashing. Prick still cannot get his mojo, Divine tells her "its slobbering like a hungry dog" pointing to his cock then saying "it needs a massive bone", at this point Terry Jones does a hutchence in his room at the sight of it.... but back to the comedy revolution, Divine calls the mugger and she storms off to get Prick's phone back.... DK turns up again and sticks his finger in the electrical socket for no reason.

 

Prick is in his shed and the muggers grandmother turns up and beats him up, she somehow finds his house and actually beats him up with the cane... WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF THIS SCENE. Chloe then tells Divine about her plans for marraige and kids which end up with her worrying her kids will get sent down for drug smuggling etc, it makes no real sence though it was the first bit and only part that was in some way tolerable, and now we go Millie Jackson and Back to the Shit. DK flies across the canteen on rollerskates with a firework up his crack, for no reason. Prick and DK try to help Matt pluck the courage to kiss Chloe and DK does some somewhat phenomenally shit rap than he ends with saying "BALAMORY" to... get this.... WILD AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.

 

Matt later appears dressed like an emo/member of BrokNYCYDE (cos they are all what gays look like innit) and then he has an epiphany moment and cries into pricks arms... DK wins money on a slot machine thus bringing an end to his shit comedy plot device on earning money doing stupid shite. I hope he spent the money on a good writer for episode three but I bet he actually spent it on shoe polish and a cunt themometer). Prick gets his mojo back by, and get this, he accidently gets a hard on and pokes the old grandmother, who now insists that the little mugger gives him his phone back. DK crashes is moped looking at Pricks Dick, Matt gets to kiss Chloe and the episode finally dies to the credits.

 

Once again it was a fucking mission to sit through it and I was nearly in tears of pain by the end as every fucking shit comedy device and wank one liner was wheeled out in the vain hope that some cunt laughed. This show is terrible, they all deserve ebola for this. Bunch of fucking sadists... good day

[PowerButchi]

I hadn't noticed that Richie's wasn't the only ludicrous homophobic outburst in this thread, apologies to him.

 

I

[DeanoTheGame]

ITV should stick to what it's good at which is producing absolutely nothing even remotely watchable aside from Corrie

 

Fuck off, Emmerdale is class!

[Magnum]

The faux reality shows now are just mental, it's incredible how stupid people are. Basically after about 8 or 9 years, Reality shows have gotten boring to the viewer so now we have reality shows, that are not actually technically reality shows, but are in essence a form of a reality show. It's like a riddle, a fucked up spray tanned riddle. People watch it and comment on it as if it's real, or as if actually took place. The concept confuses the fuck out of me. The top TV shows in this country are based around non-actors, acting in what appear to be bad parodies of American soap operas. ~WHERE'S THE CONSISTENCY!!!!~

 

I guess NEWM is right that these shows are easy to attack but fucking hell, the amount of publicity and column pages this shit gets makes it hard to avoid, to the point where you are driven to just loathe these programs even if you avoid them on transmission.

 

Aye, this pretty much summarises what I was trying to say about Geordie Shore. I watched the first episode out of curiosity, and haven't watched it since because I liked having a TV set that hadn't been kicked in. But it's the omnipresence of these fuckers, combined with the lack of imagination of modern TV producers who think 'that muppet from that reality show was popular, let's give him a TV presenting job, and while we're at it, give that bint he shagged her makeover show', that worries me. The more successful these programmes are, the more of them get made, and the less likely TV companies are to spend money on something decent. It's already hard enough to find 15 minutes of commercial TV that doesn't feature one or more of Adele, James Corden, Jordan and somebody from TOWIE/Made In Chelsea/Geordie Shore.

[BiffingtonClyro]

The likes of Geordie Shore and Desperate Scousewives don't make me angry. A couple of years ago I would've had an aneurysm if I had watched one of those shows but now I simply turn the channel even if one of the adverts come on. Fuck them. They're a massive steaming pile of shite.

[CTXRussomark]

I've just remembered that awful sitcom Jasper Carrot had out a few years ago called All About Me. It almost seemed like a parody of a show someone wanting to mock the "anti-PC" brigade would come up with. It was set in Birmingham and you had Jasper and his Asian wife with a couple of white kids and a couple of Asian kids, one of which had cerebral palsy who obviously couldn't talk but who's thoughts you could hear as a sort of Wonder Years style narrative. It just didn't work in any way.

[Nexus]

Skins.

 

THIS IS THE BEST PROGRAM EVER EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH IT THIS IS WHAT TEENAGERS NOWADAYS GET UP TO.

 

Fuck. Off.

[jimufctna24]

I've just remembered that awful sitcom Jasper Carrot had out a few years ago called All About Me. It almost seemed like a parody of a show someone wanting to mock the "anti-PC" brigade would come up with. It was set in Birmingham and you had Jasper and his Asian wife with a couple of white kids and a couple of Asian kids, one of which had cerebral palsy who obviously couldn't talk but who's thoughts you could hear as a sort of Wonder Years style narrative. It just didn't work in any way.

I think Jasper Carrot is tremendous, both his stand up and The Detectives.

 

But yes this was a fucking horrible show from what I remember, it meant well but did not make for a very good sitcom.

 

I do remember Shane's theme song more than the show itself, "these must be somthing in life better than this"

[ColinBollocks]

Skins.

 

THIS IS THE BEST PROGRAM EVER EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH IT THIS IS WHAT TEENAGERS NOWADAYS GET UP TO.

 

Fuck. Off.

Skins has a lot to answer for. It's created a whole generation of folk that think acting like the people in Skins is cool - it's not, you're shit. The show was on borrowed time once it was deemed pap by the cunts it spawned.

 

ITVs coverage of football is appalling. Adrian 'I'm reading' Chiles and Andy 'old clock parts' Townsend being the football equivalent of Mike Tenay.

[PowerButchi]

What was worse:

 

a) Holding the Baby

b) Just a Gigolo

c) Babes in the Wood.

 

 

ITV is fucking shit. About five good sitcoms since 1955.

[Devon Malcolm]

What was worse:

 

a) Holding the Baby

b) Just a Gigolo

c) Babes in the Wood.

 

 

ITV is fucking shit. About five good sitcoms since 1955.

 

Well, the latter had Samantha Janus and Denise Van Outen in their pants a lot so we can rule that one out. I'd say Just A Gigolo just takes this one. An abomination.