Adventures in Non-League - A Dull Man's Spin Off

[gmoney]

I mentioned in the Dull Men's thread that I was going to start going to more non-league football games in a doomed attempt to visit as many grounds as can in the non-league system. Obviously this project is too important to sit in the general dull thread, so I'm spinning it off. 

I would be absolutely delighted if anyone else would like to do their own reviews of low level football stadia, in whatever way you wish to do it. 

Here are the previous entries:

Croydon FC 1-2 Faversham Strike Force and Beckenham Town FC vs Three Bridges
Croydon Athletic 0-4 Sittingbourne FC

I had been hoping to go to some more games over the past few weeks, but work and weariness got in the way. We go again. 

Beckenham Town 4 -2 Steyning Town Community - Isthmian League South East Division - 15/03/2025

The Venue - Eden Park Avenue. Yes that's right. The team that initially burned me by postponing a game before I learned you needed to be aware of such things. This one was personal. I can't pretend that I wasn't worried about the same thing happening again, despite constantly checking the team's Instagram and the completely clear weather. On the bus ride to the ground, I didn't spot anyone in Beckenham gear, though I remembered quickly that hardly any fucker goes to these games in replica kits, so that would have been unusual. I needn't have worried, as I got near to the venue the familiar stream of stooped old men, kids who would rather be at Selhurst Park and player's relatives was present. It's located in a very suburban area, surrounded by houses. Around 30 houses overlook the ground, all of which have a clear view of the game if they sat at their windows. No one appeared to be doing that. In fact I noticed someone pulled their blind down during the first half. It's about 3000 capacity, with about 150 seats, I reckon about 100 people were there.

Refreshments - Bovril for a quid. Can't fault that, however there was something off about this bovril, which I couldn't put my finger on. I had a burger at half time that was £3, again very reasonable price but it was possibly the worst burger I've ever eaten. It was cooked on a George Forman grill in front of me by a very nice lady, but a distressing experience to eat. No chips on offer. Chocolate bars for a quid jumbled up in a cardboard box. 

The Match - Beckenham are a decent team at this level, sitting just below the playoffs with games in hand (that's what happens when you postpone all your games, grrr, not bitter). Steyning are rock bottom. So it wasn't a big surprise to see the home team score within two minutes, and then again twenty minutes later. Shambolic defending later on in the half lead to two soft goals for Steyning and it was 2-2 at half time. Beckenham's manager is a slightly psychotic guy, who I was sat quite near, so I could hear every tut and fume, including when he called one of his own players a cunt under his breath after some mishit. The energy was really high in the first half, and it was pretty psychical without getting dirty - a player crashed into linesman, and someone also collided with and broke an advertisement board. Most of the energy was used up for the second half though and it looked like it was going to stumble to a draw, but Beckenham dug something out and found two late goals, to mark the first time in this adventure that I've seen the home team win. Also the first match without a red card. 

I didn't see any Steyning fans there, but I did hear someone shout "Come on Steyning" at one point, so they brought at least one, possibly invisible fan. I should also note one of their players, their best player, looked like a cross between Sean Dyche, Julian Dicks and a bull. He was a defender. Half time entertainment was a small child singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" over and over again. Consider this for the Superbowl, NFL bosses. 

 

[SuperBacon]

Love it! Once I've got the car back and my knee feels better, I'll try and join in with some Hampshire based fun.

This will quickly be followed with 'Adventures in having a tapeworm'

58 minutes ago, gmoney said:

I had a burger at half time that was £3, again very reasonable price but it was possibly the worst burger I've ever eaten. It was cooked on a George Forman grill in front of me by a very nice lady, but a distressing experience to eat

 

[Statto]

Think I'll enjoy this thread! 

Also going to use this as an opportunity to big up @DiscoPistol's collections of non-league match reports, which are a fun read:

Sometimes I talk about the Football: A Collection of Match Reports and Tangents https://amzn.eu/d/cpnrtjt

Silver Street Stories: Football and the Bigger Picture https://amzn.eu/d/gPOp5pc

[Chest Rockwell]

Full credit to you @gmoney I think this might be the first football thread I'm actually interested in reading .

[gmoney]

1 minute ago, Chest Rockwell said:

Full credit to you @gmoney I think this might be the first football thread I'm actually interested in reading .

I'll know my work is truly done when I see you at a game. 

[DavidB6937]

Early potential for topic of the year, as long as you don't die of food poisoning. 

[Chest Rockwell]

I'll come to a game when you find a team that has food as good as Tasty Jerk outside Selhurst Park!

[gmoney]

8 minutes ago, Chest Rockwell said:

I'll come to a game when you find a team that has food as good as Tasty Jerk outside Selhurst Park!

I'm told Tooting and Mitchem have superb catering, including curried goat. 

[Weezenal]

If you find yourself at Cray Valley let me know and I'll try to come, local team to me but I've never been.

[DiscoPistol]

6 hours ago, Statto said:

Think I'll enjoy this thread! 

Also going to use this as an opportunity to big up @DiscoPistol's collections of non-league match reports, which are a fun read:

Sometimes I talk about the Football: A Collection of Match Reports and Tangents https://amzn.eu/d/cpnrtjt

Silver Street Stories: Football and the Bigger Picture https://amzn.eu/d/gPOp5pc

Many thanks and I'm pleased you enjoyed them.

All of my reports for Willand Rovers can be found via their Website where I continue to barely mention the actual games - I have no idea why they keep inviting me back.

For anyone based in the South West who fancies dipping their toes into Non-League I'm happy to point you in the right direction as I continue my hop around the region.

[AnotherCrapUsername]

2 hours ago, DiscoPistol said:

Many thanks and I'm pleased you enjoyed them.

All of my reports for Willand Rovers can be found via their Website where I continue to barely mention the actual games - I have no idea why they keep inviting me back.

For anyone based in the South West who fancies dipping their toes into Non-League I'm happy to point you in the right direction as I continue my hop around the region.

Never did I think I'd ever see Willand mentioned on this forum!

Being a proud Tivertonian I can easily say that Willand happily has a slightly worse ground than us!

[DiscoPistol]

I still frequent Ladysmead* on a regular basis and can confirm that this is correct.

Although on the pitch both teams seem determined to push for relegation this season.

* Sorry, the 'Slee Blackwell Stadium" 

Edited March 16, 2025 by DiscoPistol
Stupid stadium name

[Magnum Milano]

Bromsgrove Sporting U21’s 0 – 2 Coventry United U21’s – Midland Football League U21 South Division - 15 March, 2025

Kick Off: 10:30

Venue: The Victoria Ground, Bromsgrove, or to give it it’s correct name after a sponsorship deal earlier in the season and a name which I refuse to use, The UK Electrical Stadium. The stadium was previously the home of Bromsgrove Rovers from 1909 to the club’s folding in 2010. Bromsgrove Sporting were formed by a consortium who had failed in a bid to purchase Bromsgrove Rovers (which was in financial disarray due to years of mismanagement) and when the lease for the Victoria Ground came available in August 2010, the team behind Bromsgrove Sporting put in the better offer and the Council went with them. With no ground to play on (talks of a groundshare between Sporting and Rovers went nowhere), Bromsgrove Rovers were kicked out of the Southern League and 125 years of history was just thrown away.

Admission: £3. This was the third Under 21’s match I’ve attended this season; one pre-season Friendly and another League match about a month ago. At the last game, I noticed that the people manning the turnstiles left pretty much as soon as the referee blew the whistle to kick-off, so I had no intention of paying if possible. At the Victoria Ground there are two sets of turnstiles, one at the bottom of the ground, the other at the top, and it’s these ones at the top that are used for the Under 21’s and Ladies fixtures. The first team were away at St. Ives Town on Saturday and when walking up from town, noticed that the gate at the bottom of the ground was open because the coach was here and they were loading up ready to set off. As I was strolling in towards the gates I got collared by one of Board Members asking “Can I help you?”. I knew who he was but he didn’t know me, so I just feigned ignorance and asked “Is this the entrance for the Under 21’s match?” and he replied “No, you need the top turnstiles.” So, my first attempt failed but I wasn’t beaten yet. To try and describe the top part of the ground, there is a giant enclosure behind the goal, which the locals refer to as “The Shed”, to the right of it, as you look, are the turnstiles, to the left a gate, and situated behind is a car park. I went up and round and could see out the corner of my eye that the turnstiles were still being manned, so I didn’t make eye contact and carried on walking, as if I was going to my car. I went to the gate at the other side, in which there is a rather sizeable gap and waited there for a bit. You can actually watch the match pretty well through that gap but as soon as I noticed that they’d left their position, back around and in I went. £3 saved!

Refreshments: Absolutely nothing (we’ll get to why). People had either brought flasks and snacks in with them or left at half-time to go and sit in their car and get something.

The Match: Bromsgrove were sitting third in the League whilst Coventry were a few places below them. You genuinely get a mixed standard at this level, as some clubs (such as Stourbridge in this League) are far ahead of everyone else, some get a tonking every week, and then there are those in between. On paper, this looked like it would be a fairly even game, although having beaten them at their place last month, Bromsgrove would’ve been fancying getting a victory on their home turf. The first-half was fairly uneventful and ended goalless, although Coventry had this right shithouse playing 8 for them; constantly complaining to the referee, every tackle on a Coventry player was a foul, he went down himself at one point after a tackle and let out a shriek in anguish. When he realized the referee wasn’t giving anything, up he miraculously gets. The kind of player you loathe to watch. Bromsgrove started the second-half the better and it looked as if anyone was going to score, it would be them. However, then came an incident which flipped the game on its head. The Coventry goalkeeper collided with his own player when diving for the ball and took an inadvertent knee to the head, getting knocked out. From where I was sat it looked pretty scary as you could clearly see the lad was out of it and his teammates were putting him in the recovery position. The referee is signalling for a trainer or someone to come out but it looks like the Coventry bench don’t realize the severity. The ref then starts berating the Coventry bench about he has called for help five times and telling them to hurry up and the two sides get into a shouting match. To make this serious matter funny (in a way), the Coventry management team consisted of two guys, the younger chap had his leg in a pot so couldn’t really help, it was therefore left to this older fella in his sixties, moving as quickly as he can but at what must be a brisk walk to anyone else, to help. Fortunately, the lad came through but naturally came off and was replaced in goal by a centre-half. That incident seemed to halt Bromsgrove’s momentum and galvanize Coventry, who would go on to score two goals and win by two goals to nil (the second was nicely done as the winger dummied the Bromsgrove fullback and he fell for it hook, line and sinker, before putting in a cross that their lad scored from). It’s been a long time since I’ve seen celebrations like what I witnessed when they scored and you would have genuinely thought they’d won the League if you didn’t know better.

Attendance: I did a head count and counted 28 hardy souls, of which a lot seemed to be parents and family members of the players, and this is why there are no refreshments available as it’s just not worth it. Of those 28, at least four didn’t pay, as a group of three came in shortly after me too.

[gmoney]

1 hour ago, Magnum Milano said:

then came an incident which flipped the game on its head. The Coventry goalkeeper collided with his own player when diving for the ball and took an inadvertent knee to the head, getting knocked out. From where I was sat it looked pretty scary as you could clearly see the lad was out of it and his teammates were putting him in the recovery position. 

 

This is an indication of just how thorough my match reports are, something very similar happened in the Croydon Athletic game I went to and I completely forgot to mention it. Stopped the game for half an hour and an ambulance came. He was OK in the end, but yeah only just recalled it. I did remember what they played on the PA though, you know the important stuff.

Great write up. Not sure I approve of swerving paying £3, mind.

[King Coconut]

2 hours ago, gmoney said:

Not sure I approve of swerving paying £3, mind.

That's a lot of Juandango for Nobody FC U21s! They should be playing down the local rec.