Adventures in Non-League - A Dull Man's Spin Off

[DiscoPistol]

I took a short hop last night and thought I'd run a quick report up on the game. Kind of wish I'd stayed at home.

Teignmouth vs Cullompton

Peninsula League action called on a bitter Tuesday evening that belied the recent warm spell that had hit this part of Devon.

Despite the location in the shadow of the M5 and beside the River Culm, the game was actually a home fixture for the team that had travelled from the coast, their own pitch, and this is the most non-league thing you'll read today, currently unplayable after some efforts to improve it; the wheels of a tractor digging such a cavernous hole by one of the corner flags that even filling it with stones and earth couldn’t prevent an early season exit.

Why they chose Cullompton as their surrogate ground remains somewhat of a mystery, given how the towns are a good 30-minute drive apart— a drive that inevitably takes you past several more conveniently located pitches.

The away team, playing in their home kit, has had an intriguing week. 7 days ago they beat high-flying Okehampton to secure a place in the league cup semi-final, only to travel to leaders Sidmouth on the Saturday and concede 7 (seven).

Part of the problem is the squad selection that the club makes. Rumour has it that they request midweek games where possible, allowing them to hire mercenary footballers on a game by game basis. Dual registered and usually ageing stars from higher leagues who are looking for a midweek cash bonus.

For example, for tonight's game there were several faces for the home (and away) team that wouldn't be familiar to Cully fans who only attended Saturday matches, although sadly no Australians, preventing a perfectly rounded joke.

There was very little to talk about for the first half, indicated by the lack of updates from the Cullompton Twitter feed, which is usually one of the more elegant in the league. I recently had a spat with the anonymous fingers behind the account after suggesting they may have been using ChatGPT to help with their output. Their response was to proclaim that they thought the same thing about my book, failing to realise the irony that they would have had to purchase said book (and pay me in the process) to form that particular opinion.

As for the game itself, I found out after the event that it was the first 0-0 draw of the season in the entire league, and honestly both teams were lucky to score that many. It's not that the game lacked excitement; that would indicate that there was at least a modicum of something to be excited about. It would be better described as being bereft of excitement. 

It was an end-to-end game but not in the way conjured up by Gary Lineker after a pint and a kebab. It was more like two blindfolded beggars playing table tennis; it was scruffy, and you knew that although the ball would quickly reach the opposite side, after you watched a flailing launch for the 20th time, you pretty much gave up hope of seeing anything more exciting than another goal kick. At least that kept the keepers warm, I guess.

By 9:30, in anticipation of the final whistle, I had made my way to the entrance hoping to make a quick exit (I’d all but lost feeling in my extremities at this point, and my heater had been on for a good 10 minutes). The referee, of course, managed to find half a dozen minutes of injury time that really didn’t exist. As the whistle finally blew and I strode away, surprised that from behind me was cheering. I  assume it was the home team who were playing away. Unless the fans were just really pleased that the game was finally over.

[gmoney]

Some of you might have clocked it was non-league day last week, and in grand half-arsed fashion I didn't actually go to a game. I was going to meet a mate who was coming up to London to see a game (we hadn't decided which) but he'd booked the wrong day off wok so it fell through. I'm a big fan of cancelled plans, so I stayed in a watched Hacks on telly instead. Great day.

I did step out yesterday though. 

Carshalton Athletic FC 6 -1 Bowers and Pitsea - Isthmian League Premier Division - 29/03/2025

The Venue - War Memorial Sports Ground. A bus ride and a walk through Carshalton with the sun shining put me in a decent mood before the match. What a nice place it is, I thought, until I saw the graffiti "Get Rid of ULEZ" spray painted on the wall of the Ecology Center. Fuck off Carshalton. The ground is about a ten minute walk from the town center, next to a school. "I bet the kids watch the games from their lessons" I thought, before realising the stupidity of that. The ground has a capacity of 5000, with about 300 seats. Best of all, one entire side of the pitch has a bank of terracing. This was very exciting to me. Possibly due to the weather, combined with a higher level of football that I've been to recently, meant we had a good turnout. Families and everything. I'm absolutely terrible at estimating crowd numbers if I can't actually count them, but lets say somewhere between 200 - 350. Going to this game with the bigger crowd with families, good weather, nicer facilities made this feel a lot more like I was going to something as part of a functioning community, rather than a slightly odd and pointless hobby with some broken men dragging children who didn't want to be there. This is also the first time I can remember kids actually paying attention to the game rather than playing their own game of football in defiance of the actual match. 

Refreshments - Bovril for a £1.50. 50p more than at Beckenham but it didn't taste rancid, so I was happy to pay the extra. I also got a "gourmet burger" which was a normal burger and chips for £8.10. Not a bargain, but it was edible and didn't induce an episode of the Quickly Shits. You've got to put that in the plus column. 

The Match - Carshalton Athletic are known as The Robins and they sit around the upper mid table of the Isthmian Premier Division (7th tier of the English football pyramid, if that means anything to you). This has basically been their level forever, with occasional relegation then comebacks. Bowers and Pitsea were already relegated before this game kicked off, and it was immediately clear why. Within the first few minutes they conceded a comedy goal, or GLOL, with their keeper rushing miles out of his area for no reason to clear the ball straight to a Carshalton player who scored from 40 yards. No sooner had the keeper stopped blushing before they conceded another, and then another before half time. Bowers were shiiiiiiiite. After half time with The Robins' feet firmly off the accelerator, B&P did get a goal back, but the were put to the sword with a penalty and a couple of other goals towards the end. I should note that the Carshalton manager did manage to get himself sent off, after he went berserk at a bad tackle on one of his players. I will be keeping track of the temperaments of lower league managers I think. A volatile bunch. Absolutely no Bowers fans that I could see, and frankly why would you travel from Essex to follow this bunch?  

Where I was sat (couldn't be arsed standing in the terraces, despite enjoying seeing them) I noticed a man with a huge notebook taking notes. I resisted the urge to ask him which wrestling forum he posts his reports on. I assume he was doing a match report for the programme, but was basically outsourcing actually noticing things. "Who scored that?" "Who's coming off there?" "Was that a yellow or a red?" he asked of everyone around him, constantly. I don't keep notes, incidentally, which is why my write ups are brief and probably error-strewn. Carshalton might have been playing Basildon for all you know. 

This was the first time I've seen a team have a mascot as well, Rocking Robin. They appeared for about 2 mins before kick off, then fucked off without doing anything. I hope they're not paying them a lot, I thought. Robin returned at half time to stand awkwardly on the pitch while an announcement was made that pictures could be taking with him for free. There were no takers for what felt like a long time for me, surely an eternity for the poor soul in the costume as they shuffled around. Eventually some very small kids did take up the offer, and I was glad because though it was funny, it was also very sad and poignant.  

 

[SuperBacon]

20 minutes ago, gmoney said:

Refreshments - Bovril for a £1.50. 50p more than at Beckenham but it didn't taste rancid, so I was happy to pay the extra. I also got a "gourmet burger" which was a normal burger and chips for £8.10. Not a bargain, but it was edible and didn't induce an episode of the Quickly Shits. You've got to put that in the plus column. 

I'm not sure what it was like in Carshalton yesterday but it was really lovely here and I can't fathom Bovril in the sunshine! Burger and chips is a decent price to be honest. 

At the start of my 12yos season, I remember her playing at places that had refreshments and I was so looking forward to ranking the bacon rolls each week and since there has been zero opportunities to get one. There was a glimmer of hope in Winchester not long ago but at half time they'd packed up the microwave (probably a blessing)

To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. Do better erm, U12 Hamsphire girls football facilities!

As an aside I did joke to my ex yesterday that 90% of their games are throw ins, and I'm gonna count next week. Genuinely think there might have been 100 yesterday which given its only an hour long is mightily impressive ?

Sorry to hijack gmoney.

 

[gmoney]

8 minutes ago, SuperBacon said:

I'm not sure what it was like in Carshalton yesterday but it was really lovely here and I can't fathom Bovril in the sunshine! 

I can't compute this comment. Borvil is all weather. 

And don't apologise for hijacking, all non football league reporting welcome.

[Magnum Milano]

I went and watched Bromsgrove Sporting Under-21's again on Saturday morning. You'll be pleased to here that I paid the £3 admission this week @gmoney I actually got chatting to the Manager when I watched the Ladies play last Sunday (I meant to write something about that game but never did) and he mentioned how they get to use the pitch for free but have to pay for the officials (approximately £130 total per game, for which the ref gets £65, and considering they more than likely do a 15:00 kick off too, it's a nice little weekend bonus for them) so felt a bit more inclined not to sneak in like the previous time. Bromsgrove won 5-0 this week, beating Solihull Sporting Under-21's, and it would've been a lot more if not for the Solihull keeper and some poor finishing from Bromsgrove. Attendance was 30 this week when I did my head count, so slightly up on a fortnight back. I'll be watching the Ladies next week as they face Redditch Borough who are top of the table, so I'll make sure to write something up about that. 

[DiscoPistol]

Thought I'd add one of my actual match reports so you can all enjoy the absurdity of what they let me get away with.

This week - Cream or Jam - What is the correct way to eat a Cream Tea? 

Willand vs Mousehole

A famous music producer from London moved to the Devon/Cornwall border. After a storm that damaged the local crossing and after spending some time in pubs in towns on both sides of the Tamar, he decided to instigate a music festival to help build both figurative and literal bridges.

He sourced a site, booked artists, and launched the ticket sale. During the process, he ensured the committee included representatives from both counties, a move that ultimately led to his downfall.

Meetings went long into the night, but eventually he had no choice but to cancel the festival. His issue? He'd booked two headline bands: The Jam and Cream.

And neither county could agree on who went on last.

It's a joke, of course, but it reflects real life on the peninsula more than it appears healthy (at least healthier than a gluttony of the cream teas to which it refers).

I don't really have a dog in this fight; regular readers will be aware that I was raised on the mean streets of South Warwickshire, where cream teas were an exotic treat saved for idyllic summer holidays served by caravan parks.

That genuine tension should arise from the placement of jam or cream seems absurd to outsiders, but in Devon and Cornwall, it’s no laughing matter. What seems like a minor culinary difference has come to symbolise centuries of friendly rivalry — and sometimes not-so-friendly division — between the two counties.

The Great Cream Tea Debate has its roots in regional identity. In Devon, it’s cream first, then jam. In Cornwall, it’s jam first, then cream. Both sides have historic “evidence” to back it up. Devon points to Tavistock Abbey in the 11th century, where monks were said to have served cream and jam on bread to travellers. Cornwall, meanwhile, argues that their method is the only one that makes visual sense — after all, who puts cream on top of jam? (Devonians, apparently.)

The cream tea debate is really shorthand for a much broader set of cultural and territorial disputes that define the Devon-Cornwall border.

Take the Tamar Bridge, for example. Locals on both sides of the river have long argued about the fairness of tolls — specifically, the fact that you only paid to leave Cornwall into Devon, not the other way around, and the implication, at least on one side of the river, that payment equals importance.

Then there’s the quiet resentment over Derriford Hospital in Plymouth. It’s the main hospital for a huge swathe of East Cornwall, which means that many Cornish babies are, technically, born in Devon. It’s led to more than a few jokes about whether someone born in Derriford can ever truly call themselves Cornish — particularly among the more hardline nationalists.

Even place names are a source of tension. While some Cornish speakers have successfully advocated for dual-language road signs, others have faced defacement or removal. Language, heritage, and identity all get wrapped up in these debates — far beyond a simple cream tea.

Our Cornish counterparts for today's game at Silver Street came from Mousehole (and you’ll need to seek out last year's match report for more enlightenment on how to pronounce the idyllic Cornish village).

In their second season in the Southern League, the Seagulls arrived on an excellent run of form that had seen them unbeaten in the league since late January, their only loss this year, and looking to cement their place in the playoffs.

David Steele made one change from the team that beat Shaftsbury midweek; Brandon Bak was recalled to the starting lineup to replace James Watts-Barciela, whose loan spell has expired.

It was the visitors who started the game stronger and, for the first 15 minutes, put Willand on the back foot, creating a number of chances, the best being a well-struck free kick that saw the ball strike the Willand crossbar before dropping into the hands of a grateful Burton.

As the game progressed, the home team settled into a rhythm, and their patience was repaid in the 33rd minute. Kempster made a decisive run in from the left before he found an inch-perfect pass to Bak, who made no mistake from 12 yards.

As the last of the winter sun dissipated, both teams continued to push, but without creating any significant chances.

HT - Willand 1 - Mousehole 0

The home team extended its lead early in the second half, cutting apart the Mousehole defence with two passes. The first, an Allen pass inside the fullback, set Kempster free, his first-time pass weighted perfectly for the unmarked Rooke to place past Chenoweth.

Rooke nearly added to his tally minutes later, with another well-worked move between Kemster and the Willand forward culminating in a good save from the Mousehole keeper.

The third goal finally came in the 73rd minute; a direct ball from Man-of-the-Match Edwards was taken out of the air by Rooke under pressure from the Mousehole centre-half and placed under Chenoweth in what may be one of the most underrated goals you’ll see at Silver Street this season.

To Mousehole's credit, they kept pushing, while Willand could have extended the lead further, but at the full-time whistle, it was the home bench that were celebrating both an excellent performance and, for the second time in a week, 3 points.

In the end, whether you put jam first or cream, it all comes down to identity. And while the cream tea war may never end, those inside Silver Street this week can all agree on one thing: victory tastes just as good as any scone.

Also, it’s Jam first. I make no apologies.

FT - Willand 3 - Mousehole 0

[seph]

On 3/30/2025 at 4:37 PM, gmoney said:

Bowers and Pitsea

Without even reading the following demolition it tickles me that a team with that name is just two (soon to be three) promotions from national-level football. 

I'm just happy that Weston-Super-Mare are still in contention to go up - in a season that saw them drop the first two games, then go undefeated until November then winless until January, now just hovering at 2-5pts south of the playoff pack with only one nominal striker. But the most egregious thing that desperately needs fixing is that their cheese needs to be warm American cheese, not grated cheddar in the middle of bleedin' autumn.

[Fog Dude]

On 4/1/2025 at 12:45 PM, seph said:

I'm just happy that Weston-Super-Mare are still in contention to go up - in a season that saw them drop the first two games, then go undefeated until November then winless until January, now just hovering at 2-5pts south of the playoff pack with only one nominal striker. But the most egregious thing that desperately needs fixing is that their cheese needs to be warm American cheese, not grated cheddar in the middle of bleedin' autumn.

Considering the proximity of W-s-M to the actual village of Cheddar, I think you can just chalk that one up to supporting a local business.

Off to Bangor 1876 v Caersws on Saturday myself. According to the Non-League Paper, any level of Welsh football apparently counts for the subject of this thread.

[SuperBacon]

On 3/30/2025 at 5:03 PM, SuperBacon said:

As an aside I did joke to my ex yesterday that 90% of their games are throw ins, and I'm gonna count next week.

64 throw ins in 60 minutes. Impressive.

Ticking off all the big venues in the Hampshire area Of course my 12yo didnt play on there, and there was a game at 3pm but she didn't fancy waiting around for hours so we could watch.

Coffee was £2.30, decent, and there was bacon and sausage rolls and baguettes but no time to get one.

The highlight of the game was when a dog ran on the pitch and eighteen 12 year olds went berserk and sort of abandoned the game midway through an attack to all pet him. Just like the Premier League.

[gmoney]

Tooting and Mitcham FC 2 - 2 Abbey Rangers - Combined Counties Premier Division South - 05/04/2025

The Venue - Imperial Fields. This was a lovely venue, easily my favourite of the grounds I've visited in this journey so far. The main seated stand on one side seats 600, and there were two terraced stands behind each goal. on the other side there is fuck all. From the seated stand this means you can get quite a nice view of some fields and people walking their dogs when the football is shit. And apparently that's quite often this season. The sun was out and I got a nice tan/burn on, so that probably influenced my good mood. I should come back when it's pissing down. Should also note that I paid £8 for my ticket, which is the lowest I've paid so far (most was £12, I think).

Refreshments - On a lovely day like this, I just need one thing. That's a piping hot cup of Bovril, and they duly delivered for £1.50. Now, I've got a grave error I made to report here. the one thing I knew about Tooting and Mitchem was that they served goat curry and other Jamaican delights in the ground, and I was really excited to try this. Imagine my dismay then when I arrive at the food stand and see the menu makes no mention of this, and is just the usual burger/hot dog/chips. I asked someone about it and they just shrugged. I resigned myself to the fact they must have stopped it and got myself a reasonable burger and chips for £7.50 and it was fine, but I couldn't help but be down about it. I've since learned, the Jamaican cuisine is not actually in the ground like everyone says it is, but is in fact just outside of it, tucked around the corner where I couldn't see it. It's a stand called the Shak, and I absolutely will be going back to try it next season. 

The Match -Nothing blow away here, but it was fun. Abbey Rangers were just below Tooting in the firm mid table. There was your usual non-league vibe where you'll see someone do something brilliant and then 5 minutes later look like they have woks for feet. Tooting in particular had a striker who looked the business early on, then later it turned out he had the pace and acceleration of a bulldozer. Quite a few Abbey Rangers fans made the trip from Addlestone which is just outside Weybridge.

I was sat just behind where two stewards were standing, two older women who spent the entire time whinging about the state of the club, the abilities of the manager, and best of all alleging financial impropriety regarding the deceleration of attendance by the club officials to avoid tax. Their conversation was better than the game. 

Edited April 8, 2025 by gmoney

[SuperBacon]

14 minutes ago, gmoney said:

Quite a few Abbey Rangers fans made the trip from Addlestone which is just outside Weybridge.

This was my most local team for years and is a decent visit. I've even played on their new(ish) pitch against their vets team a few years ago and is one of the better non league grounds I've been to.

If you ever make the trip that way give me a shout and I'll recommend you the best pubs/cafes/whatever for the area. If you're lucky you could do an Addlestone/Chertsey Town/Walton & Hersham double or triple header. That's the dream isn't it?

[Carbomb]

Thoroughly enjoying this welcome addition to the Dull Man's Club Universe. It's inspired me to post one of my own.

[DiscoPistol]

For those dull men of a certain disposition, this weekend is a gold mine of opportunity - at least in the Devon/Somerset area.

Tomorrow sees the South West Peninsula League have most of their kick-offs at 11am, while Western Premier League sticks to the more traditional 3pm. That means I have a choice between Middlezoy vs Bishops Lydeard and Cullompton vs Elburton or the Torridgside derby followed by Barnstaple vs Elburton Villa.

Saturday is a bit more straight forward - See if Tiverton Town can drag themselves out of the mire against Gosport.

Easter Sunday is a day of rest and reflection of course......expect for Honiton vs Sidmouth (although this one will very much be wife dependent!)

And Easter Monday is a dilemma - I should really go to Willand's last game of the season, a local derby against Bideford.....but.......Taunton play Tiverton which is the non-league/South West equivalent to Crewe vs Stoke, and could see Tivvy relegated 

Does anyone else have any expansive plans before the season ends?

 

Edited April 17, 2025 by DiscoPistol
Idiocy

[westlondonmist]

I was at Hanwell Town vs Merthyr Town a couple of weeks back. Couldn't believe about 200 people travelled from Merthyr Tydfil for the match. You can get some real die hard fans in the non-league. 

I'll probably head to the London Senior Cup final, Hanwell vs Brentford. 

Tiverton might be able to get out but I think at the very least they need 4 points from 3 games to do it, probably 5 really. Basingstoke have Totton and Merthyr left so could be tough for them. 

 

[DiscoPistol]

2 hours ago, westlondonmist said:

I was at Hanwell Town vs Merthyr Town a couple of weeks back. Couldn't believe about 200 people travelled from Merthyr Tydfil for the match. You can get some real die hard fans in the non-league. 

I'll probably head to the London Senior Cup final, Hanwell vs Brentford. 

Tiverton might be able to get out but I think at the very least they need 4 points from 3 games to do it, probably 5 really. Basingstoke have Totton and Merthyr left so could be tough for them. 

 

They should beat Marlow on the last day but I can't see them getting anything at Taunton.

So it all comes down to Saturday against Gosport who won't be relegated and can't make the play-offs

I fear their -35 goal difference might come back to haunt them.

Should make for an interesting week