Facebook updates that blow your mind

[gary v1]

Her point's redundant anyway as I think it's also the biggest ever terrorist attach against British citizens. If it annoys her for some reason can't she just ignore it.

[Vamp]

I didn't even realise there'd been that much fuss about it to be honest. I have been living like a hermit for the past week admittedly but didn't seem to be all that much on about it when I flicked through the TV channels.

Edited September 12, 2013 by Vamp

[FLips]

A pretty decent friend posted this on his wall just now -

 

Are people in the world today including my contacts not aware ? Are you worried about truth and just sit in your homes and let the man take control.. why not open a gate way and look beyond the lies and the ways of today. Free your mind and voice an opinion that you thought you never had? wake up

 

This is after several photos and statuses from "The Mind Unleashed" he's shared over the last week or two on Facebook. Like, how do you go from finding it interesting or being curious to suddenly talking like a Bray Wyatt promo? What a mong.

Edited September 12, 2013 by TripleA

[neil]

it is a really sad and tragic thing that happened in america 12 years ago but do we really need to keep hearing about it? we are british not american. i dont see americans throwing a memorial parade for anything tragic that ever happened in the uk

 

Christ. Great timing, love.

You only really come to appreciate the misplaced snobbery that the British provide when you live in another country.

 

This is after several photos and statuses from "The Mind Unleashed" he's shared over the last week or two on Facebook. Like, how do you go from finding it interesting or being curious to suddenly talking like a Bray Wyatt promo? What a mong.

Schizophrenia.

[HarmonicGenerator]

Three times already tonight.

 

[Richie Freebird]

Was there any music on Pac Man other than crazy sirens and the sound effects of munching the pills? There was no actual beat or melody was there?

 

Sorry, but I'm not having that one.

[gmoney]

That's an old Marcus Brigstocke joke that gets nicked endlessly in those shitty email chains and now in 'hilarious' facebook reposts. That he never gets credited for it apparently annoys him no end, which delights me because he's a tit. I only mention it now so others can bathe in his inner torment.

[Duke]

the munching pills to repetitive electronic music? It predates marcus bridgstock, I'm pretty sure. It's always falsly credited to a nintendo exec from the early 90s (pat)iirc

[gmoney]

Ah! Bloody Pacman....It is my joke. I wrote it, then I took the rest of the day off as I was so chuffed with it. I am gutted that it has been claimed and passed around by so many people. Intellectual property law will not save me, the false claims will continue until I am man enough to give it all up. All I can say is -- it seems that it is very unlikely that it was written by a Nintendo employee in 1989, being as Pac Man was still around and not much of a childhood memory, there were very few claims that gaming influenced children's behaviour, and that the wording of it is identical to how it has been delivered in my stand up routine for 6 years! For those that are interested it has also been attributed to Bill Gates, but then so has Windows! Bitter? Well perhaps just a little. It was sent to me by someone at Channel 4 a few years back after I did it on Channel 4 in a late night stand up show! Hope that clears everything up.

 

- Brigstocke, typing while crying.

[chokeout]

..

When God Made Paramedics ...

 

When the Lord made Paramedics, he was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

 

And the Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? A paramedic has to be able to carry an injured person up a wet, grassy hill in the dark, dodge stray bullets to reach a dying child unarmed, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle his uniform.

 

He has to be able to lift three times his own weight, crawl into wrecked cars with barely enough room to move, and console a grieving mother as he is doing CPR on a baby he knows will never breath again.

 

He has to be in top mental condition at all times, running on no sleep, black coffee and half-eaten meals. And he has to have six pairs of hands."

 

The angel shook her head slowly and aaid, "Six pairs of hands...no way."

 

"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord,"It's the three pairs of eyes a medic has to have."

 

"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.

 

The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees open sores as he's drawing blood and asks the patient if they may be HIV positive; (When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job.) another pair here in the side of his head for his partners' safety; and another pair of eyes here in front

that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say, 'You'll be all right

ma'am' when he knows it isn't so."

 

"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."

 

"I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound drunk out from behind a steering wheel without incident and feed a family of five on a public service paycheck."

 

The angel circled the model of the paramedic very slowly, "Can it think?" she asked.

 

"You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the symptoms of 100 illnesses; recite drug calculations in it's sleep; intubate, defibrillate, medicate, and continue CPR nonstop over terrain that any doctor would fear...and still it keeps it's sense of humor. This medic also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with a multi-victim trauma, coax a frightened elderly

person to unlock their door, comfort a murder victim's family, and then read in

the daily paper how paramedics were unable to locate a house quickly enough, allowing the person to die. A house that had no street sign, no house numbers, no phone to call back."

 

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the paramedic. "There's a leak," she anounced. "I told you that you were trying

to put too much into this model."

 

"That's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."

 

"It's for bottled-up emotions, for patients they've tried in vain to save, for commitment to that hope that they will make a difference in a person's chance to survive, for life."

 

"You're a genius," said the angel.

 

The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there," He said....

~RM

 

Where to start with this.

[Surf Digby]

6 pairs of hands and treats sick people? He should have invented these instead of leaving it to George Lucas.

 

[Surf Digby]

Hooray! It's "those foreigners get loads of benefits so they don't have to work and simultaneously steal all our jobs" time again!

 

Dear Mr. Cameron,

 

I'm planning to move my family and extended family to Pakistan for my health and I would like to ask you to assist me with this.

 

We're planning to simply fly from Britain to Pakistan and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

 

We plan to skip all of the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.

 

I'm sure they handle those things in the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Asif Ali Zardari, that I'm on my way over?

 

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

 

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

 

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

 

3. All Pakistani Government forms must be printed in English.

 

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Urdu by English speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.

 

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on British culture and history.

 

6. I want my grandkids to see the British flag on one of the flag poles at their school.

 

7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast (Bacon & Eggs) and lunch.

8. I will need a local Pakistani driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Pakistan, but I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

 

10. In case one of the Pakistani police officers does not get the memo from President Zardari to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

 

11. I plan to fly the British flag from my housetop, put British Flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on December 25th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

 

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labour or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

 

13. Please have President Zardari tell all of the Pakistani people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

 

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

 

15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.

 

16. I'll need income tax credits so that although I won't pay Pakistani taxes, I'll receive money from the government.

 

17. Please arrange it so that the Pakistan Govern pays me

[gary v1]

Fucking hell - being a Pakistani immigrant sounds amazing!

[Surf Digby]

I wonder if I could get Pakistan citizenship and then claim all the above.

[d-d-d-dAz]

I'm be becoming more and more convinced that an IQ test should be mandatory before people are allowed to vote.

 

Or, have someone hiding behind the doors of every polling station jumping out at potential voters screaming 'QUICK! LOOK! MUSLIM'. Everyone who makes defensive manoeuvres, or reacts at all negatively, should be instantly told to fuck off.