Royal Rumble Reviews

[ShortOrderCook]

Of course that qualifies Harmonic! One of my favourite moments too. Doesn't have to be MS Paint, that was just a nod to one of my favourite, most fun threads this forum has ever produced. I was contemplating starting an MS Paint a Rumble moment thread anyway (because I love both things) but didn't want to clog up the board too much with a load of Rumble threads started by me. So when a few people dropped out I thought I'd use the opportunity to combine the two. There's a few Rumbles that still need to be handed out, with potentially more. So I will leave it a couple of days yet and give enough people are chance to express interest and provide a nifty little drawing.

[Supremo]

This has been a fantastic thread.

 

[ShortOrderCook]

Here's one of my fave moments from 1993. Randy what you doing going for a pin!!!

Between that and his over the top rope dive at Jake in '92, I'm convinced Savage simply didn't know the rules of the Royal Rumble.

 

Definitely. He didn't even think to enter the ring for it one year.

 

On the subject of wrestling figures, air_raid blatantly stole my ideas. I had the exact same Terminators tag team. I had an awesome tag scene. Raphael and Michaelangelo, Ghostbusters, Hacksaw* (because it looked nothing like him and he looked like a heel) and Earthquake - because they both wore blue and had beards, so obviously they were brothers...

 

* it actually looked more like Steve Williams

[Accident Prone]

Brilliant thread, it's been superb reading. Here's my attempt at gaining a review:

 

[TheShowOff]

Always wondered, what was the deal with the mising "M" in the logo?

[air_raid]

Can we kick the remaining reviewers up the arse, please?

[Daaaaaad!]

I'm still to review the 2012 one but to be honest I've been waiting until all the others were done, sort of a year-on type of thing.

[air_raid]

Good job everybody else didn't do the same. 1989 isn't up, we'd have never have got started.

 

Anyone else with their thumb up their arse for inexplicable reasons?

[HarmonicGenerator]

I've only had internet on my phone or at work so far this week (only received my assignment this week), neither of which would be conducive to doing a review, I'm going to try my best to do it tomorrow.

[Quentin]

I won't allow mine to be called late as I got assigned it last night by way of my brilliant MSPaint creation. Here you go anyway. This was the Royal Rumble 2003...

 

 

I didn't rewatch the undercard of this and barely remember it so I'll just throw down what Wikipedia tells me happened and what I remember about it.

 

Babyface Lesnar beat Paul Heyman assisted Big Show to win a spot in the Rumble in the opener.

The Dudleys won the tag straps from Regal and Lance Storm.

Torrie Wilson avenged her father's death against Dawn Marie.

Triple H got disqualified in a title match with Scott Steiner which I'm fairly certain was widely shat on.

Kurt Angle beat C***s B****t to retain the other title.

It is now time for the Royal Rumble match.

 

Fink reads out the rules, as is tradition.

 

 

The entrance walk way has some weird bullshit curve to it. Not keen on that really.

 

Shawn Michaels is our number one which, according to Wikipedia, he wanted. Very noble. Very stupid. I'll assume it's so that he can have proper pyro and show off his entrance chaps. HBK's red and white zebra tights in this look fucking awesome and he's looking bigger than I ever recall him being post-comeback. Jericho's countdown clock begins on the tron. Jericho appears in the entrance doing that pose he does but when he turns around...

 

"Wait a minute... that's not..." JR bumbles an awkwardly long time after Christian has turned around to reveal it is him wearing Jericho's kit. I'm pretty sure this was back when Fin Martin kept having shit fits about JR getting the two mixed up so he probably didn't notice anything was up. The REAL Y2J then gets the match underway by sneaking in through the crowd and walloping Shawn right in the spuds from behind.

 

Jericho pounds Michaels and screams something about him being a son of a bitch for taking the number one spot in the match. These guys need to get their priorities right. The Aayatollah of Rock and Rolla then nearly causes Michaels to lose his smile again by smashing his face in with a steel chair - an old school blue one, no less!

 

 

Less than two minutes in and we have blood. What an era we lived in.

 

Chris Nowinski comes out third to a pretty decent pop that I can only put down to the Boston crowd being well behind Harvard graduates. Nowinski opts to stay at ringside whilst Jericho continues to pummel the fuck out of Michaels before casually dumping "The Show Stoppa" out in about three minutes and making him possibly the first man under 400lbs to ever be eliminated by being draped over the ropes and having his legs thrown over. And he wanted to be number one!

 

Rey Mysterio is number four. I'm pretty sure this was a time when I couldn't stand Mysterio and I remember why here as he hits a shit ton of springboard moves and botches a bit. Nowinski finally steps in to ground Rey just before Edge enters at five to make the save. The crowd go mental for Edge and he looks like a star here. The villains clear the ring and old pals Edge and Mysterio shake and simultaneously boot each other in the darb - EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF! These two get in some nifty near misses of the spear and 619 and a nice near double elimination... Then some more springboard shite. Gah. The countdown begins again...

 

 

Christian really comes out this time in some fuck-ugly tights to his brilliant "AT LAAAST YOU'RE ON YOUR OWWWWN" music. Captain Charisma tries to play pally with Edge and gets a spear for his trouble. Nowinski tries to eliminate Edge and Rey at the same time and then something horrific/hilarious happens.

 

 

Yes as Nowinski celebrates his major upset, Edge and Mysterio have held on and both taken to a top turnbuckle. As Chris turns around, the two heroes leap from their perches where Rey hits a spectacular dropkick... Edge, for some reason is about half a second too late for the dropkick, but just in time to take Nowinski's face off by essentially slide-tackling his nose. I've just re-watched this about 8 times. It's fucking shocking.

 

Luckily for Chris, he only suffers a Bronco Buster and a couple of punches in the face before Chavo Guerrero arrives to total apathy and gets Mysterio out of the way so he can get it together. Nowinski looks fucked. Mexicans do some Mexican stuff before Harvard Chris is mercifully eliminated - but not before Rey manages to squeeze in a springboard crotch-to-the-face. Jericho dumps Rey with a good old clothesline over the ropes. We're down to three Canadians and a Mexican. Ten second countdown...

 

FUCK YES! I fucking love Tajiri. Obviously he starts throwing kicks because he's Japanese. The action slows down a bit and when the clock appears again you get a feeling shit is about to get real...

 

 

Nope. Bill DeMott arrives to no reaction but JR puts him over anyway as he starts wailing on everyone with some meaty looking strikes and not selling anything at all. Nobody cares. I like DeMott even if Boston doesn't. Can only get more exciting from here right?

 

 

 

Wrong.

 

 

 

Tommy Dreamer is like your dad's mate who wants to tell you about his days playing rugby at a very low semi-professional level 30 years ago, showing up here looking like a PE teacher as usual and obviously carrying a dustbin full of kendo sticks. In his minute in this he celebrates Edge eliminating DeMott with a cane shot to the head, as if it was his own doing and sparks Jericho right in the face with another stick, prompting a vicious receipt from a clearly pissed Y2J before being dumped. Fuck off.

 

"I was a major player in Philly don't you know?"

 

Tajiri obviously senses everyone is annoyed at what's just happened and cheers everyone up with a handspring double elbow but then gets eliminated trying a Tarantula on Jericho. Another countdown. Hold on to your hats -

 

 

It's B2! He lasts 24 seconds. They're dropping like flies now as Edge gets rid of Chavo and Jericho dumps Edge and Christian at the same time as they struggle against the ropes. Jericho is the only man left in the ring, with a nasty bump and cut just above his eye from that clod Dreamer's nostalgia stick. Ten second countdown begins...

 

 

Crowd is hot for Mr Monday Night and Van Dam drops all his crowd pleasers on a knackered Jericho who barely holds on after a slingshot over the ropes. RVD is looking on form tonight, the way I choose to remember him. Nice sequence here from these two. Unfortunately it all comes to an end when we learn that Matt Hardy strongly dislikes mustard as he trips himself up during his entrance and nearly faceplants into the security rail. I can't help but wonder if Version 2 of Matt was having a silly haircut in TNA or when he got those tights and kickpads and put on 2 stone. I guess we'll never know. Matt is number 13.

 

"OOO-OOH YEEEAAAAAH!!"

 

Fourteen is a welcome addition as Eddie Guerrero sprints to the ring without a mullet in sight and within a minute, I'm thinking that I need to look up some Van Dam vs Guerrero matches when I'm done here. Fifteen is Jeff Hardy looking exactly the same as he does now which is remarkable and tragic at the same time. Him and Matt immediately kick off. Shannon Moore jumps on top of Matt as Jeff goes up for the Swanton. Jeff just nails them both. Did I just hear someone say THREE MINUTES???

 

 

Rosie hits the ring accompanied by Rico. Rosie is a fucking vast man. He adds nothing to the mix here. Out next, Stacy Keibler gets a loud reaction. Test is with her. Cena is out next with a brutal rap. JR predicts that one day Cena will be a main event player. He has full length jeans on which is frankly, a little weird. The ring seems to be filling with mid-carders leading me to believe something big is about to happen. The clock counts down and Kurt Angle's music hits. False alarm. It's Charlie Haas. Jerry Lawler takes a turn at playing Nostradamus and predicts that Haaas is "Something special".

 

 

Swing and a miss, King

 

Jeff Hardy goes for a Whisper in the Wind and RVD simply ass-shoves him to the floor. Big twat. Rikishi waddles to the ring next as JR reminds us that he has been in more Royal Rumbles than any other man. Impressive. King then points out he's never won one. Burn. Jamal is out next looking massive and almost instantly ends up taking a Stink Face from his big brother Rikishi which is either sibling banter or someone in the back taking the piss. It also occurs to me at this point that three of the men in the ring are no longer with us. Looking very crowded in there now...

 

 

"I can tell you without a doubt King, the business has picked up" says JR. Not really to be honest. Kane singlehandedly takes out the biggest man in the match, backdropping Rosie out and chokeslams Rico and Shannon Moore who aren't even in the match before becoming just another guy in the match. Once again, Angle's music plays and once again, it's not him as Shelton Benjamin drops in to indifference. Twenty Four is due out next. Surely someone to thin out the pack??

 

 

Jerry Lawler has a new favourite to win as Book arrives and somehow finds enough space for a Spinnaroonie. Booker tosses Latino Heat with a backdrop. Eddie lands hard on his knee which looks like it really hurts. A-Train becomes the twelfth man in the ring at this point and hits a terrific Baldo Bomb on Cena and another on RVD before taking Rikishi's 83rd superkick in this match. Shawn Michaels re-appears and starts scrapping with Jericho. Jericho gets the upper hand, but the distraction is big enough that Test is able to toss Y2J after a respectable 38 minutes in the match. Maven makes his way to the ring as number 26 and JR reminds us that Maven eliminated Undertaker in last years Rumble. Golddust is the next man in and hits the awesome Shattered Dreams on Maven before Haaaaas sends him packing about a minute after he arrived. Team Angle then make Booker T possibly the first man to be eliminated via the method of thrown on to the apron and shoved off by foot. Never let Jerry Lawler pick your Lottery numbers. Time for another...

 

 

Fuck yes. Big Dave takes out Test and Rikishi pretty sharpish and slaps everyone else around in a way that lets them know that if he wanted to he could bang all of their birds. A mere hors d'oeurve for number 29 however - Here comes the pain.

 

Lesnar arrives and makes twatting everything that moves look like a reflex. Brock throws Benjamin and Haaaaaaaaas out at the same time and then F5s Matt over the top onto them. Awesome. A-Train, for a short time is handling both Batista and Lesnar. The countdown to number Thirty begins and the crowd are hot because they already know who is about to join the match.

 

 

Undertaker rolls to the ring and ends the night for Cena and Jamal. In a nod to the previous years Rumble, Maven hits Taker with a dropkick to the back and jumps for joy at thinking he has pulled the same upset two years in a row.

 

No such luck.

 

Maven cops a chokeslam and is dispatched. Six men are left in Lesnar, Taker, Batista, Kane, Van Dam and A-Train who hits another tidy Baldo Bomb on the Dead Man and is running the show for a short time here and looks great doing it. I can't help but think that in Hogan's era, Albert could have had a main event run. Whilst I'm thinking about it, he's eliminated by Kane and RVD. Kane convinces Rob that a Press Slamming him onto Batista is the way to go. Van Dam soon regrets agreeing to it and Kane hoists him overhead and then drops him onto A-Train outside. FINAL FOUR TIME!!!

 

 

Truly a heavyweight affair as Big Dave is the smallest man in the ring. Brock and Taker have a staredown but are picked off by the other two before they can throw hands. The Animal puts Undertaker aside with a big spinebuster and him and Kane attempt a double team on Lesnar. Brock fights back though and nails Dave with an overhead belly to belly and hits an F5 on the Big Red Machine. Two men are left standing.

 

 

Taker and Lesnar come face to face again and finally trade shots. The crowd are loving it. Taker almost takes a premature exit as Brock drops him on the top rope. Brock goes for an F5 but the American Badass slips out and hits a very awkward looking Tombstone. Undi spots Batista up against the ropes trying to get steady and clothslines The Animal over. Three left.

 

It looks like we're going to get a Brothers of Destruction reunion for a moment as Kane is helped to his feet by his brother. As they start towards their prey however, Taker throws his bro over the ropes. Batista comes back to try and nail the Undertaker with that old blue chair but is caught and disarmed and send packing for a second time. Old Booger Red drops the chair out of the ring and examines the damage to make sure Batista isn't coming back. Big mistake!

 

 

 

"LESNAR! LESNAR! BROCK LESNAR WINS THE RUMBLE! LESNAR HAS ELIMINATED THE UNDERTAKER!" Jim Ross screams in that special way that only he can to make every big moment seem even bigger after Lesnar tips Taker over the ropes from behind. Undertaker sells this perfectly by sitting at ringside with a smile and nod that says "Fair play. You got me." before cursing himself because he's fucking ace like that. He pops back into the ring to give Lesnar his due before leaving Brock to celebrate and go on to Wrestlemania.

 

 

And there we have the 2003 Rumble. Good start, good finish and some lows in the middle. Chris Jericho takes man of the match. Sorry, Tommy.

 

[andrew "the ref" coyne]

Random memory... But I remember a real low for Dreamer for me was when he was on commentary after this Rumble. During said commentary he listed his accomplishments with "making Chris Jericho bleed in the rumble" being one of them. I mean that's pretty desperate there. It would be like a waiter bragging about "being the guy people trust to wipe down the tables after service."

[darkship]

I really enjoyed that Rumble, even if everyone knew who was winning. Wasn't that dropkick from Edge basically the end of Nowinski's career, as he got a concussion from which he never recovered and which led him to his current, highly-acclaimed second (third?) career?

 

I seem to remember Rosie loudly shouting "What's up bro?" when he starts on Rikishi in that match, too.

 

The undercard was utter shite apart from the WWE Title match. The fact Torrie/Dawn was on the undercard and they DIDN'T have the worst match of the night says it all.

[ShortOrderCook]

air_raid, all Rumbles are taken care of, there's still plenty to go but there's still plenty of time until this years Rumble too so i'm not rushing anyone, i'm happy for them to keep gradually coming in up to the Rumble. We had loads at the start because it was the Christmas period. Expected it to slow a bit. Anyone who couldn't complete it has let me know so hopefully everybody else is still good for it. There's a few i'm looking forward to reading. If any of you have to drop out for any reason please let me know.

 

I only really enjoyed 2003 at the start and when Brock arrived and took care of business. The start was fabulous though, wasn't the story with Michaels and Jericho that, they'd began the wheels in motion of their feud with Jericho revealing that the recently returned HBK was his childhood idol and he'd basically tried to emulate him in his early career right down to donning Rockers like gear. As part of that Jericho wanted to enter as #1 and do what Shawn did in '95 and go post to post? I'm sure it was something like that. This was pretty much the first time we began to realise Shawn might be back for good too wasn't it? Their issue was actually fairly decent thinking back.

 

Another thing i remember about this Rumble was the massive disappointment for most when Undertaker arrived. He'd been off telly for a bit and his return at The Rumble was advertised by some vignettes which feature him predominantly as Zombie/Phenom Undertaker and everyone expected him to turn up with Paul Bearer and the urn. Only took another year.

 

I absolutely adored the Edge-Mysterio exchange at the time and it left me gagging to see them have a series of matches together for years as they seemed to have electric chemistry. Edge was super-over as babyface at this point in his career and it felt like he was on the verge on hitting it big as a goodie but then had to take a year out, which was a real shame at the time. Then he returned about a year later and wasn't over as a baby in the slightest. How things can change in a year. His baby work here and toward the end of 2002 was perhaps his finest work until his 2005 heel run. Reckon he would have done alright with a top level babyface push in '03 though.

 

Great assessment of Dreamer there, very accurate description.

[HarmonicGenerator]

Here we go, then. Like Quentin, my Rumble was only assigned to me a few days ago, and it was... this one:

 

 

2011, the BIGGEST Royal Rumble in history!

 

In other words, it's the year they had a go at putting forty guys in there instead of thirty.

 

I watched the entire show at the time, which is a rarely thing for me - you could probably count on one hand the number of PPVs or episodes of WWE I've watched since then from start to finish. I can more or less remember my thoughts at the time - I enjoyed the undercard, though if I'm honest the only match I can remember from it is Edge vs. Dolph Ziggler.

 

Wikipedia tells me this stuff also happened:

 

Miz def. Randy Orton for the WWE Championship (I have no recollection, but I think the Nexus did something to someone at some point during the match. Or was it Alex Riley. No, I think it was Nexus. Eh, who cares)

Eve def. Natalya, Michelle McCool and Layla for the Divas Title. She did a moonsault, I think.

 

She did, as well

 

That was it? Three matches? I suppose with cramming forty guys into the Rumble they must have run out of people.

 

I remember being in two minds about the Rumble itself beforehand.

 

One mind said; the Royal Rumble is fun. Forty is more than thirty. Therefore, more Rumble. Therefore, more fun.

The other said; do they actually have forty people on the roster?

 

The answer to the latter, I recall, was 'just about, but most of them are making up the numbers'. My memories of the match are that it was a lot more episodic than a lot of other Rumbles, with things happening in sections - the opening section, the comedy section, etc - and there seemed to be periods of time where nobody was really trying to win. There were bits I liked, and bits I didn't, but just by virtue of it being the Rumble it was okay.

 

Let's see what I think of it this time round...

 

Want to watch it too? Here's the match online.

 

 

At the start, we get a video all about numbers and stats. They're really pushing the fact that this year there are FORTY entrants. FORTY.

 

Did you hear me? FORTY.

 

What's interesting is that the annoyingly-voiced lady wonders if Kane will beat his record for number of eliminations this year. You know, because there are AN UNPRECEDENTED FORTY COMPETITORS this year.

 

(He doesn't).

 

We do get a cracking little montage of the favourites for the match, including Alberto Del Rio, King Sheamus, Wade Barrett, and CM Punk. Then Justin Roberts tells us the rules. WRRRRRRRRRESTLEMANIA!

 

And we get our first entrant:

 

 

It's CM Punk, complete with short hair and New Nexus t-shirt. Matt Striker is already annoying me on commentary. Some music I don't recognise plays.

 

It's these guys:

 

 

The Corre corre-ner Punk and attack him, but then the New Nexus turn up and fight them.

 

 

We're off to a flying start, but nobody knows who entrant number 2 actually is at this point. Not that Striker would have any idea anyway, since the idiot claims there's more than a dozen guys in the ring. The video I'm watching is kind of blurry, but I'm pretty sure that nine is not a dozen.

 

GM Hornswoggle sends Cole an email, the action stops, the crowd boos, the Nexus and the Corre are sent to their rooms, and it turns out that none of them was entrant 2 in the first place. Big "CM Punk" chant, and it's Daniel Bryan. This should be good. He's announced as the US Champion, but he's left his belt behind.

 

 

They hit lots of lovely moves, and do lots of lovely wrestling. Lawler says they've paid their dues, Striker says the internet must be loving this match right now, Cole shouts about how nobody cares about the internet. Crowd's pretty involved, regardless, with DUELLING CHANTS, no less.

 

 

Justin Gabriel's time in his room didn't last long, and he's back out to target Punk. We're three and three for guys I like at the moment, it's going well. Gabriel goes for the 450 - crowd likes it - misses, and is chucked out by Bryan. ROH! ROH! Or not, because Zack Ryder's out next. You can taste the apathy from the fans in attendance. Striker makes a Nasty Boys reference when talking about Ryder's trunks but he hasn't redeemed himself yet. Bryan eliminates Ryder. He and Punk try and eliminate each other a bit longer, and then...

 

 

YES! It's William Regal, who gets stuck in straight away. Knees, forearms, half-nelson suplexes, t-bone suplexes, he looks fucking great here. Did they do anything with Regal after this? They bloody should have, I'd have eaten up a Punk/Bryan/Regal feud. Regal and Bryan go at it trading European Uppercuts for about thirty seconds, then they all hit high kicks on each other, and I know it makes me sound like a fapper but this is the best thing that's ever happened in a Royal Rumble ever.

 

Certainly it's the highlight of this match so far, and everyone's loving it (the wrestlers included, it would seem) but it doesn't last, as the crowd falls into a solemn silence for the entrance of...

 

 

Ted DiBiase, who is bearable because he has Maryse with him. Nothing happens, but Bryan keeps things interesting by kicking Regal in the chest lots of times. John Morrison is in at 7, he hits loads of flashy moves ("C4!" cries Striker, and actually does redeem himself a bit this time, before Cole points out there's no point hitting flashy moves in a Rumble unless they eliminate someone), Regal tries to eliminate him, and this happens:

 

 

Morrison clings onto the barrier, tightrope-walks across it and leaps from there to the steps and back into the ring. Okay, that's my new favourite thing in the match. Morrison saves himself from elimination in the most stylish way possible, and DiBiase eliminates Regal. Boo. Yoshi Tatsu's in next, but the crowd are still catching their breath from Morrison's antics, as are the announcers, who get it replayed almost as many times as Taka's elimination from 2000.

 

 

There it is. Anyway, Husky Harris enters, clubs a few people and then looks like he's about to stinkface Punk, who's sitting in the corner, but actually he's just protecting him. I think I'm really clever and funny for pointing this out, but then Lawler says something along the same lines and I feel bad. Cole reminds us we're a quarter of the way through as entrant 10 enters, and because it's Chavo Guerrero it sounds more ominous than Cole probably intended it to.

 

Striker ponders the idea of Chavo main-evening WrestleMania, which is obviously not going to happen, but I'd forgotten how active Chavo was in the match, hitting headscissors, backflips, and as many suplexes as he can before Husky clobbers him. Chavo's looking really good here - he's still obviously not going to win, but crowd reaction is on his side, and yeah, he looks good. Number 11 now...

 

 

YES. Someone's gonna get their wig split as Mark Henry strides down. That someone is Chavo. WIG. SPLIT. Menry eliminates Yoshi, presumably because everyone else had forgotten he was still in the match. JTG enters, and the reaction makes DiBiase's sound promising by comparison, and the indifference continues when Michael McGillicutty comes in next. He eliminates JTG. Good.

 

Harris and McGillicutty get rid of DiBiase (which makes me wonder if their dads ever eliminated each other in a Royal Rumble). Chris Masters is in next, and hits a Spinebuster on McGillicutty. It's really a shame nothing was done with Masters in 2011... oh well, David Otunga is next out, and in case you'd forgotten, he, McGillicutty and Harris are all in the New Nexus with Punk. The four of them chuck out everyone else, even Henry.

 

 

Who can stop this lot?

 

 

Tyler Reks is going to have a go, apparently! I can't see him succeeding, and I still think they missed a trick not giving him a Neanderthal or Tarzan gimmick, but ... yes, while I was typing that, New Nexus eliminated him. Next please? Vladimir Kozlov, who I'd forgotten was a Tag Team Champion. Husky hits a big Senton on Vlad, Punk's loving it (as well as stopping these bits from getting boring), Vlad's out, and they're getting some pretty loud boos by this point.

 

R-Truth is next out. The last two guys before him rushed straight down to the ring and got thrown out, which makes me wonder why R-Truth has a go at that exact same tactic. It doesn't work for him, either, surprisingly.

 

 

Punk smacks him with a knee in the corner and shouts "what's up" as the beating continues. Truth's out. Are members of a tag team or a faction allowed to tell each other which number they've drawn? Just a thought, and while I'm thinking it, this chap returns:

 

 

It's only The Great Khali! Punk tries to surround himself with minions, which, as you can see from the picture above, does not work. Harris is gone, and Punk begs for mercy. Cole asks us to hold on as the next entrant arrives, because "we forgot about the newcomer" to the New Nexus...

 

 

... I actually did forget about Mason Ryan. Good call, Cole. Mason eliminates Khali with the ease you'd expect from a Welshman, and we await number 21, who, if I remember correctly, is...

 

 

It is! It's Booker T! Everybody goes a little bit crazy as Cole reels off Booker's accomplishments. Lawler's giggling like a schoolgirl who just heard the word 'titmouse', Punk's not happy, the crowd are excited, and Striker's yelling something inane about this being why PPVs are worth buying. Cole tells him to cool it and Striker starts yelling about how he's marking out.

 

 

That's the first image result for 'Shut up, Matt Striker'. Oddly disappointing. Anyway, Mason beats up Booker T and Cole's not happy with Striker. Booker starts to get the upper hand...

 

 

...even hitting a Spinaroonie, before Ryan eliminates him as well.

 

 

Nobody's going to stop the New Nexus, we're told by Cole, and I'm predicting Cena's coming out next. 3, 2, 1, and I'm right! Yes!

 

Huge reaction for Cena, who's taking his time, and with good reason, because he destroys the lot of them. Ryan out, Otunga and McGillicutty eliminated simultaneously...

 

 

... but check out Punk, who, a second before that picture was taken, practically did a powerslide over to the other side of the ring to get into position for a fantastic staredown of sorts with Cena. This Rumble is remembered for another staredown that didn't go very well, but this one's pretty bloody good. The crowd are ecstatic about Cena turning up and dumping out the NN, so they're nice and loud. Punk's face runs through anger, shock and fear in turn, while Cena's got determination and a slight hint of satisfied smugness on his. We didn't know what 2011 would bring for these two at this point, but you can sense there's some intangible greatness bubbling away under the surface there. They go at it, and it's great, and then fucking Hornswoggle enters and ruins it.

 

Fucking Hornswoggle. However, he's got the biggest pop of the match so far, so my expression of distaste - shared with Punk - means fuck all, really. And look, here he is with ANIMAL FROM THE MUPPETS

 

 

He encounters Punk

 

 

and Punk kicks him in the face. CM goes to eliminate Cena, but Cena reverses into an Attitude Adjustment over the top rope to the outside, eliminating Punk after he'd spent about 35 minutes in the match, which isn't bad going. Cena offers to team up with Hornswoggle, as Tyson Kidd enters. Cena annihilates him, then Hornswoggle hits Kidd with the AA.

 

 

There'd be people who would have gone mental about that if it happened this year. Anyway, Kidd's out, Heath Slater's in, The Corre's music is rubbish, Cena takes him down, Hornswoggle hits Sweet Shin Music and a Stunner, they hit a double Five Knuckle Shuffle, Hornswoggle hits a top rope splash, Slater's out. Next! Hornswoggle really needs to double cross Cena if he's going to stand a chance of winning. Kofi Kingston is next, they'll probably let him stay.

 

They do, and next it's Jack Swagger. He gets the best of Cena and Kingston but nobody's really that bothered. Kingston hits an elevated leg drop thingy from Hornswoggle's back, and King Sheamus, who sadly did not come out in this get-up

 

 

is out at 28. He Brogue Kicks Hornswoggle off the top rope. Nice. Number 29 is Rey Mysterio, and after a bit of a lull, I'm started to get excited again because I know what's coming up soon. Five guys currently in the ring, three potential winners, but with Cena, Sheamus, Rey, Kofi and Swagger it's not a bad collective in there at the moment.

 

Make that four, Swagger just got eliminated via a nifty 619 to the outside. 4, 3, 2, 1...

 

... oh. Not just yet, then. Wade Barrett is in at 30. It's all fairly equal at this point. Guy comes in, gets a bit of an advantage, then things level off before the countdown, and repeat. Speaking of which, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

 

... dammit, it's Dolph Ziggler. I like Dolph, but there's someone else I'm waiting for at this point. Also, the guy only just had a chance at the World Title, the fact he's in the Rumble as well seems a bit unfair. Anyway, he's showing clear signs of hurt from his earlier match, and we have a few near eliminations. 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

 

... YES.

 

YES.

 

YES!

 

The crowd goes absolutely crazy. Cole says, "holy sh....". You know who this is.

 

 

BIG.

 

 

DADDY.

 

 

COOL.

 

It's only motherfucking DIESEL!!!!!

 

 

New favourite Rumble moment. Diesel takes his time putting his glove on, and everyone's shitting themselves about the wrath that's about to set down on 'em.

 

 

Barrett goes for him. He smacks Barrett. He does this to Mysterio

 

 

I love it. He whacks Sheamus, he goes for Kofi, he yarks Barrett again for daring to interrupt him. I love it! Back elbows for Dolph. Striker seems genuinely overcome with joy, and I can bear him again. Diesel goes for Cena now:

 

 

Clotheslines him down. Knees in the corner for Sheamus. DIESEL POWER. I'm not even bothered who's next, these 90 seconds could last forever. It's Drew McIntyre, anyway, and he goes after Diesel, who by now is the runaway favourite. McIntyre and Sheamus team up, because they're both Celts, according to Cole. Can't fault that logic. MASSIVE "let's go Diesel" chant dwarfs every other reaction so far, then Rey hits the 619. Harsh. I like the Sheamus-McIntyre connection, they could have made more of that, unless they did and I just missed it.

 

Number 34 is announced with Miz's music, which confuses everyone, including the announcers, but it's actually Alex Riley, who doesn't stand a chance with Big Sexy in the ring. Luckily for A-Ri, Wade Barrett spares him by eliminating Diesel. Boo. Big Show comes in at 35 and Striker reels off some stats. "WHO CARES?" shouts Cole repeatedly.

 

Right.

 

Miz is on commentary too by this point, and I just missed someone getting eliminated, I think it was Ziggler, and Show sort-of-kinda-chokeslams McIntyre over the top rope as Ezekiel Jackson enters to the quietest reaction for a while. He and Barrett are both in The Corre. He just eliminated Big Show! Big Zeke and Mason Ryan both showed promise in this match, I know Zeke won the IC belt a little while later but very little's been made of either of them since.

 

37 is Santino Marella. Cena's been in for over 25 minutes, and Striker keeps banging on about SmackDown guys, but nobody's bothered about that in 2011, are they? 38 is Alberto Del Rio, and after the rush of Diesel Power, I must admit I'm flagging a little bit. Ricardo Rodriguez affords Alberto a privilege that very few get in a Rumble... he gets his name announced! He's taking his sweet time getting in the ring, and in focusing on that, we missed Alex Riley's elimination. Miz doesn't care.

 

I realise there haven't been pictures for a while, I'll get to them, promise. 39 is Randy Orton, and Del Rio hasn't actually got to the ring yet. Others have mentioned it, but lucky there isn't that get-to-the-ring-before-the-next-entrant's-countdown rule anymore.

 

Orton throws ADR into the steps, and Cole reminds me (I had actually forgotten) that, like Dolph, Orton's already wrestled tonight. Unlike Dolph, Orton's not really showing it. Because he's ANGRY ORTON.

 

He RKOs Del Rio. He RKOs Sheamus. He RKOs Kofi, who's still in the match. But not for long! He gets Ortoned out of the ring, followed swiftly by Sheamus. We all know where this is leading. It's bigger than this:

 

 

It's bigger than this:

 

 

It's bigger even than this:

 

 

Except it's not really bigger than any of those, because, try as they might, this (photo not actually from the Rumble)

 

 

was a bit of a damp squib. They do the slow turnaround, they do the silent-announcers-let-the-story-tell-itself stuff, they do the slow point to the WrestleMania logo, but the crowd just aren't bothered. Probably because they saw them wrestle a zillion times in 2009.

 

That, and the countdown starts for entrant 40, who is... Kane. Marvellous. He lays waste to everybody, as you'd expect. "There's nothing scarier or more dangerous than a fresh Kane," comments Lawler.

 

 

The first image result for 'Fresh Kane'. Quite scary, but not likely to be what he meant.

 

 

That's more like it.

 

Crikey, Zeke just attacked Kane! Or so we thought, because wily old Kane pulled down the top rope, and Zeke went tumbling after. Cole runs down the six remaining men (or so he thinks): Rey, Cena, Orton, Barrett, Kane and Del Rio. Kane's first out after a neat chokeslam counter from Rey, who is eliminated via a Barrett knee to the back a second or two later.

 

It's Cena vs. Barrett and Orton vs. Del Rio now. Cena and Orton try to do another face off, it's still not working. We've just passed the 1 hour 5 minutes mark. ADR eats an AA, Alex Riley distracts Cena, and Miz eliminates Cena. The referees didn't see it, presumably, and our actual WrestleMania main event is set up!

 

"There's no rule against it!" cries Cole, which is blatantly not true, but neither of the other two bother to correct him (I presume he was speaking in pro-Miz mode), and Orton eliminates Barrett, and then ADR eliminates Orton!

 

 

DING DING DING! WE HAVE A WINNER!

 

BUT WAIT!

 

SANTINO!

 

 

The crowd is extremely excited to see Santino back in contention! I didn't think he'd win, I remember, but what a great moment - if you want to keep pushing the idea that anyone could win the Rumble, then look no further. Everyone wanted to believe, and Santino's fantastic at creating moments like that.

 

 

HE HITS THE COBRA! THE CROWD GOES WILD!

 

But it is not to be.

 

 

Santino's momentum effectively carries him over the top rope as Alberto ducks at the right moment, and ALBERRRRRRRRTO DEL RRRRRRRRIO IS YOUR ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER!!! VIVA DEL RIO! The announcers remind us once again that it was the BIGGEST ROYAL RUMBLE IN HISTORY and recap the Cena and Santino eliminations as Ricardo Rodriguez and loads of pyro take us to the end of the show... ALBERRRRTO DEL RIO! ALBERRRTO DEL RIO! ALBERTO DEL RIO! ALBERTO.... DEL.... RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!

 

 

Thoughts in review... That was better than I remember. First time, I remember thinking it was a bit too long, that it dragged in parts, and that, as I said at the top, there were times where it seemed nobody was really trying to win. But I was really pleasantly surprised second time round, I thought it was great fun. It was pretty long, but there was always just enough happening to stop you getting disinterested. It wasn't as episodic as I recall it feeling either, it actually flows fairly well for such a big match. There were plenty of highlights - Punk, Bryan and Regal, Morrison's escape, Booker T, Cena eliminating New Nexus, Diesel, Santino, and so on - and while I'm still not keen on the Hornswoggle section, the kids would have loved him and Cena teaming up.

 

Did it need to be a 40-man Rumble? Not at all, you could have easily trimmed ten entrants and achieved exactly the same ends. Did it suffer from being a 40-man Rumble? Not really, it's actually pretty decent, and the lack of an obvious winner (in my mind, anyway) was rather nice.

 

Sorry for the length of the review, but after all, it was THE BIGGEST ROYAL RUMBLE IN WWE HISTORY!!!

[Fatty Facesitter]

Loved the 2011 Rumble. The beauty of it was that it just encapsulated everything that you could ever want in a wrestling show for all types of viewership. You had the Regal/Bryan/Punk portion for the internet workrate lovers, Cena and Hornswoggle doing it for the kids and comedy side of things, nostalgia for long-time viewers in Booker and Diesel, and some of the younger generation had big moments too. It was grand. Even the bit where New Nexus were throwing jobbers out was good fun because they were getting so much heat. You need to have SOME jobbers in there at least.