Royal Rumble Reviews

[ShortOrderCook]

Cracking write up there Chilli. I secretly hoped NEWM would get 2010 as i know how he passionately loves it so but you did it justice there, good work.

 

I said when reveiwing the '97 Rumble that Bret/Austin is my most favourite thing ever in wrestling. But the HBK/Undertaker/Triple H 5 year Rumble/WrestleMania story is up there and this is one of the real highlights of it, where i really fell in love with it. When being at the 2008 Rumble i was overjoyed when Undertaker and Michaels started the Rumble and their story was continuing. The only down-point and issue or rather disappointment i have with it, is i wish their first WrestleMania 25 match was set up by them meeting a third year running in the Rumble in 2009, this time in the middle. In a familiar Rumble spot, i'd have had Michaels enter, then at some stage clear houe with sweet chin music eliminating everyone in the ring before the next countdown finishes and when it does the lights go out and bell sounds and here comes The Undertaker. I really think that would have made for an epic moment and better reason for them to want to face each other at WM25. Oh well.

 

Anyway, i still love it so and you summed up why there Chilli very nicely. Due to it's story and the the performance of Michaels and that hot stretch from the middle to the end i'm a big fan of this Rumble. It's probably top 5 for me and i reckon i will give it a re-watch before this years event. Michaels elimination as you say is incredible. It's so believable, massive kuods to Michaels and Batista for that. You say it looked like an accident and for the briefest of moments that actually entered my mind as it happened watching it live. Incredible drama. All of those aspects, those things i've mentioned remind me what i love so much about wrestling.

[PunkStep]

You can have my second Rumble for that pic, Butch. It's incredibly relevant too.

[air_raid]

The midway entrant ‘Y2J’ Chris Jericho is popular with the crowd, perhaps due to his Dad’s MSG connections through hockey as JR postulates,

 

Or it could be that the MSG Mutants (

[IANdrewDiceClay]

Lanny Poffo used to do a moonsault. In the ever self depricating words of Leapin' Lanny "I invented the moonsault 5 minutes after seeing Tiger Mask do it".

[ShortOrderCook]

Oh, something i forgot to mention regarding the 2010 write up and something Chilli neglected to mention, a little touch that i always liked for some reason was Shawn was donning the same trousers (a thread worthy tpoic itself) that he'd worn against Undertaker in their encounter he was so desperate for a rematch for.

[air_raid]

The '10 Rumble was brilliant. Great write-up and like most of the "since 2003" reviews so far, encouraging me to go back and have a rewatch. Except the last two which I have found, in turn, boring and crap. Nash aside.

 

Lanny Poffo used to do a moonsault. In the ever self depricating words of Leapin' Lanny "I invented the moonsault 5 minutes after seeing Tiger Mask do it".

 

Oh yes, a middle rope one that he nearly always missed. As pulled out vs Lucas "the Rabbi" Beefpiece at (topical) Rumble '90.

[NEWM]

Great review of 2010 Chilli, one of my very very favourites from my very very favourite. Really enjoyed your comments on the best elimination ever. I love this thread.

[Vamp]

The review of the 2001 Rumble has reminded me how pissed off I was when Austin dumped out Kane. Austin turned heel for me that night to be honest. Kane deserved to win that match.

[air_raid]

ROYAL RUMBLE 2005

 

 

Here's the backstory - at the Rumble, Triple H defends the World title against Randy Orton. This dated back to SummerSlam and the night after on Raw where Orton had taken the title from Benoit and Evolution turned on him the night after for having the audacity of winning "Triple H's title." Unfortunately on this night and thereafter, Orton was double crossed by Evolution which made him look stupid, spat in Hunter's face then ran away the week after which made him look cowardly, then lost the title to him in his first PPV defence at Unforgiven, which made him look a loser. "Stupid cowardly loser" is not a great position for your next top babyface really, is it? And Raw was in dire need of having a proper long-term top babyface, which it had not really had since Goldberg left.

 

After some bumps in the road including a quality Survivors collision where Randy pinned Trips to win the match, they approached New Years Revolution with the World title vacant. Along the way they had teased dissension between Tripper and Batista, which though it turned out to be a ruse on the night, the fans popped big style for. All of a sudden it was clear that it was Batista, not Orton, who we wanted to see decapitate Hunter, who had been top dog on Raw for precisely twelve years at this point. At NYR in Puerto Rico the fans were MENTAL for Big Dave and terribly disappointed when Orton eliminated him. Probably for the best that Hunter went over, making Orton look double a loser by giving him a monster wedgie.

 

 

The next night on Raw, to my surprise Orton was made the number one contender for the Rumble. I say surprise because I anticipated the plan was still for Orton to win the Rumble and them to stumble blindly towards HHH v Orton at WrestleMania XXI and completely ignore the fact that the fans had either given up on Orton as a face, or never really liked him that much anyway. Everyone was much keener on seeing Big Dave step out of the shadows and clobber Trips and run by himself. Of course, the problem of nobody wanting Orton to take the title from Hunter is exacerbated when it's Batista that he beats to become top contender. Oops. So, Orton v HHH is the title match, Big Dave enters the Rumble. There are no other stories really, Shawn Michaels and Edge are both entered as well as wrestling on the undercard.

 

Oh, and some shit happened on SmackDown with jumped-up midcarder JBL having an interminable reign built on crap matches, dodgy finishes and not actually really beating anyone, while the real star of the show John Cena essentially picked his arse and wasted his time on the US title for a good eight months after he was over enough for the main event. The only baby as popular as him was Undertaker, and for some reason they went through a good few years of not wanting to make Undertaker champion, presumably because he didn't want a champion's schedule or the pressure. Undertaker is wasting his time with Heidenreich on the undercard (rumours persisting of Undertaker & Kane VS Heidenreich & Snitsky for 'Mania), Cena is US Champion and in the Rumble.

 

I start my review from the moment my "taped off Sky Box Office" tape kicks in, as it seems a natural point with Rumble-relevant happenings bookending the World title match.

 

------

 

Prior to drawing his number Big Dave is harranged by Carlito into signing his petition to oust Teddy Long as SmackDown GM. Big Dave refuses and Carlito swallows his apple scared rather than spit it at him, which makes Batista look a) cool b) hard and c) a babyface. Dave goes on to draw his number, with Christy Hemme managing to out-hot Torrie Wilson "tumblerside".

 

Trips and Orton have their title match, it's pretty dull, involves a really weird worked worked-shoot concussion to Orton and Hunter pins him after a Pedigree making him look a complete loser, again.

 

Angle steals Nunzio's number for the Rumble because Nunzio is not prepared to "fight for it." He just walks away, making him look the wussiest pro wrestler of all time. Don't they fight for a living in kayfabe? Then again, just stealing a plastic ball would not entitle Angle to Nunzio's spot in kayfabe anyway. Whatever.

 

"That WAS a great match!" says Teddy to Bischoff, about HHH/Orton. Good job the line doesn't require him to keep a straight face. Bradshaw celebrates with his cabinet, and I remember Amy exists. I'm pleased she exists. Teddy announces JBL v Big Show cage match for No Way Out. That made me consider suicide, and I'm surprised the match itself didn't push me over the edge.

 

------

 

IT'S TIME TO RUMBLE!!!!

 

Fink runs down the rules of the "Royal Rumble match" (ugh) and Eddie Guerrero comes out as number one. Tazz lies and says Eddie was in the main event of WrestleMania last year. Benoit (who actually DID wrestle in the main event of last year's Mania, which they don't mention) is number two. JR says he could watch Eddie and Benoit wrestle "every day." Pretty sure there was a spell in 2002-03 that they did wrestle each other every day, or at least that's how it felt. The two wrestle for a bit, before "the Tough Enough kid" Daniel Puder makes his way out looking like an MMA shooter. He talks a good game about being the first Tough Enough winner to "win the Royal Rumble." Hey, at least he didn't say "Royal Rumble match." Oh dear, you pissed the veterans off. Guerrero and Benoit chop the shit out of Puder and double suplex him. Benoit hits a back suplex and Eddie the Three Amigos. Number four is Hardcore Holly and JR mentions that he hates rookies. Bob lives up to his "asshole" reputation and beats the shit out of Puder. All three of them take turns on him. I almost expect them to abandon the knifedges and just start bumming him instead. Holly drapes Puder over the rope and for a second I think it's coming true, but instead he kicks him in the balls and hits the Alabama Slam. Puder gets dumped just as number five comes out - it's the Hurricane, and no one seems to care. Eddie & Chris dump Hardcore before Helms even reaches the ring.

 

All three exchange blows, Hurricane hits a smooth middle rope blockbuster on Eddie but runs foul of Benoit who whips him straight into a BIG backdrop to the floor from Eddie. Number six is Kenzo Suzuki. I can't believe he occasionally main events in All Japan now, he's the drizzling shits. Benoit hits a snap suplex and Tazz wins the race to make the obligatory Dynamite Kid reference. Benoit tries to throw Guerrero out but he does his best Shawn Michaels impression and holds on. Edge is number seven and gets a reaction at least. He's coming off the win of his life against Shawn Michaels earlier. Tazz complains that Edge attacks Eddie, a SmackDown guy, instead of Benoit. Ummmm..... OK. That makes no sense. Edge tries to throw Eddie out in that "lift them up slowly and try to place them over" manner than hasn't worked for 25 years. I don't know how fast the intervals are but this is pretty nippy. Rey Mysterio is number eight, still with his kiddy friendly "who's that jumping out the sky?" music. The star power here is quite good. Rey increases the average stardom of the ring by dumping Kenzo with a headscissors. Eddie and Rey exchange one of their usual sequences and Rey eats a tilt a whirl backbreaker. They're coming faster than I can type. Shelton Benjamin is number nine - he is a) popular, it sounds, b) the Intercontinental Champion and c) "the best pure athlete in the WWE" according to JR. Somewhere, a silent wordless tear runs down Billy Gunn's face. Shelts has a fun exchange with Mysterio. Rey saves Eddie from being suplexed out by Benoit, and Booker T is number ten. Tazz says he is "very well versed in main eventing 'Mania." Utter bullshit, Tazzmond. You're talking out of your arse.

 

Bischoff comes down - no, he isn't number eleven. I can't remember why. JR thinks it's "ironic" that Rey dropkicks Benoit while he has Eddie in the boston crab. JR doesn't know what irony is. Chris Jericho is next out, and draws a "Y2J" chant as he attacks everyone in sight. In the ring are Eddie, Benoit, Jericho, Mysterio, Booker T, Edge and Shelton. Fucking hell, that seems so cool. Oh wait, here comes Luthor Reigns to ruin it as number twelve. Teddy Long has also appeared ringside, neither he nor Bischoff have done anything. Suddenly lines are drawn and the four Raw guys and four SmackDown guys line up against each other. The fans react to that. Benoit is paired up with Reigns, and I really wouldn't want to try and separate them. Muhammed Hassan's music starts, and the guys in the ring all stop fighting. Hooray for racial hate gimmicks. Lucky number 13 Hassan stands there posing while eight guys stare at him. He gets the shit kicked out of him. The live crowd think it's awesome. The puny rat of Tijuana hits the 619 and they dump him out.

 

 

One of the old Diva themes (or possily one of the extra themes from No Mercy on the N64) starts, and I have no idea who is coming. Oh, it's Orlando Jordan. Nothing much happens. "I forgot he was still employed" makes it's appearance as Scotty Too Hotty comes out at number fifteen, looking massively anachronistic and to be fair, too old to still be doing that gimmick. Hassan gets his heat back by beating him up. Scotty doesn't even bother TRYING to get in the ring. It wasn't THAT much of a beating for Christ's sake.

 

 

The ring is fairly full, no one has gone out other than Hassan for ages. Charlie Haas is number sixteen and the crowd goes mild. Booker clotheslines Reigns out, then Orlando blindsides him but gets thrown out too. Tazz complains that two SmackDown guys have gone out. Give it a rest. Booker does a Spin-A-Roonie, but Rey dropkicks him in the back, then Eddie pulls the top rope down and Booker goes out. Rene Dupree is number seventeen. Tazz mouths off to JR about them having "French guys" on Raw, "we got French guys!" Any myth of Tazz being a good commentator is completely out the window. The team FKA WGTT hit a double team on Dupree but then Shelton errs by attempting a Stinger Splash (called by JR!) on Edge, who moves. Shelton lands on his feet on the top rope but Edge just shoves him off. Simon Dean is number eighteen.

 

Rey hits a nice rana on Eddie as Dean warms up. Eddie tries to powerbomb Rey but YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN REY. Edge sneaks up and tosses Eddie, then shows shades of the Rated-R Superstar arrogance by doing a little Latino Heat shimmy. HBK is number 19, to a rather muted pop. Hey, I guess he has already wrestled once tonight. Shawn goes straight for Edge, then clotheslines Simon out. He does a couple of squats afterwards, heh. Loud "Eddie" chant as Guerrero walks back up the aisle. Tazz reckons HBK "would look good with SmackDown blue on" then tries to get JR to say "quicker than a hiccup" or "slobberknocker" like some kind of disturbed mark. HBK backdrops Haas out and JR says "Au Revoir" then tells us Dupree is out. It's worth saying now : I fucking hate JR. Kurt Angle is number 20, shit's on.

 

Everybody in the ring gets a suplex of some kind or Olympic Slam. Shawn escapes an attempt at the Olympic Slam and goes for a superkick, Kurt grabs the Ankle Lock. Michaels reverses with a victory roll sending Angle towards the ropes, then superkicks him out. That was a nice sequence, they really should have a match some time. Number 21 is Coach. The fuck? Oh well, he was pretty despised at the time. Coach hits Benoit then hides in the corner. In one of his few calls that I like, JR says "I would not cross Benoit with a chainsaw." Jericho tries to throw Rey out, Rey tries to headscissor Jericho out, but both hit the apron and survive. Number 22 is Mark Jindrak, and this PPV is doing a great job of making me see how crap SmackDown's roster was compared to Raw's when a no-mark like Jindrak gets into the 15. Angle comes back in and tosses Shawn out surprisingly easily when you consider some of Michaels' "spider monkey" tendencies in previous Rumbles. Angle lamps Shawn into the steps and slaps him in the Ankle Lock.

 

 

Number 23 is Viscera and JR says "this is as close to a 500lb guy as you're gonna get." What the fuck? That doesn't mean anything. That implies nobody quite made it to 500lbs. The crowd are audibly "fuck this guy" and I concur. JR mentions Yokozuna winning in 1993, as if that's supposed to make us think that gives Vis a chance. Paul London is 24, looking stoned, and JR says "outstanding young Cruiserweight" and cruiserweight really sounds like a dirty word. Dupree does the French Tickle and Tazz sings "I'm A Frenchman....... I'm a French Tickle guy....." like some kind of simpleton. Jericho throws him out then does his own jig. Heh.

 

Number 25 is John Cena and the crowd at last pops big. He still has his Thuganomics theme, is wearing his nasty spinner US title belt and "Ruck Fules" shirt but apart from those two details looks all business. He gets in the ring, hits anything that moves, tackles Vis WITHOUT hitting a second one then ducking a clothesline, and throws him out easily. Snitsky is number 26. Ugh, he's gash. London goes over and Snitsky clotheslines him, so London does his shooting star bump to the floor. It really wasn't worth it ; it's only Snitsky. Cena and Snitsky face off, Cena attempts an FU but can't and gets booted in the chops. Number 27 is Kane and he and Snitsky face off. Kane chokeslams everything that moves then lobs Jindrak as London goes out on a stretcher. Snitsky saves Coach from a chokeslam and gives Kane his pump handle slam.

 

Number 28 is BIG FUCKING DAVE who gets the biggest pop of the night by a country mile, despite technically still being a heel. Bats immediately clotheslines out the baby killer, before going face to face with Kane. LOUD "Batista!" chant. Dave reverses an Irish whip attempt by wrenching Kane's injured arm (making him look a smart fighter) then wipes him out with the Batista Bomb. Jericho tries to crossbody Batista, so Dave presses him overhead and dumps him. Buzzer goes off and Waterproof Blonde signals the arrival of Captain Charisma. Christian goes straight after Cena - makes sense, they did have a reasonably well-remembered confrontation earlier...

 

"Tomko, give me the beat!"

 

Christian receives some abuse for the impertinence. Cena is so happy about this he dumps Kane out with an FU. Tazz drones on about "SmackDown watching SmackDown's back." Whatever. Number 30 is Ric Fucking Flair. WHOOOOO!!!!!! He gives Dave a high ten then goes and beats up Coach. (How the fuck is he still there??) Poor old Coach takes a spinebuster from Batista then Flair tosses him. Christian gets a spinebuster, then Batista presses him right onto Coach at ringside. They're going thick and fast now.

 

Old Horsemen mate Benoit chops fuck out of Flair, but Batista spinebusts him and Flair tosses him too. Flair blindsides Dave and tries to toss him but hasn't got the strength. Batista looks so wounded! Batista gets blindsided by a double Rey/Edge dropkick, then Edge tosses Flair out which gets him some heat, even though Flair is a heel. We are down to four. Edge tries to throw Rey out but Rey holds on, so Edge spears him through the ropes. Edge stupidly tries to beat up Cena and Batista at the same time, so they throw him out. Cena and Big Dave, the top two faces (yes) from the two shows face to face.

 

 

This has a real "the future is now" feel to it. I know it's easy to say that in hindsight, but you knew these were the guys they were going with. Nobody knew exactly HOW FAR Cena would go, but you knew these guys were about to be put on top. Cena tries to FU Batista out, but he escapes. Batista goes for a Batista Bomb, staggers too close to the ropes and they both topple over together. It looks really smooth and they hit at the same time, so you buy it rather than see it for the fuck up that it is.

 

 

The refs argue for a bit. Jack Doan wants to just declare Batista the winner as planned. Cena staggers back in with his arms raised and Jimmy Korderas seemingly goes into business for himself and raises Cena's hand. SmackDown deserves to win the Rumble damn it! I can almost hear Tazz agreeing with me. At this point I'm genuinely worried that they are going to give us '94 Bret/Luger bullshit finish. The wrestlers and referees argue for a bit before Vince McMahon, looking legitimately pissed off (as he no doubt was) storms towards the ring. Famously he's so pissed off that he enters the ring with such force he smacks his leg on the ring apron, which would hurt like fuck even if he didn't tear a quad. Vince sits on his arse for a bit while the referees waste more time telling him who they each think hit first.

 

 

Batista throws Cena out. Cena comes back in and throws Batista out. The Fink announces the match is to continue, which serves to remind me how pissed off I was that they didn't just do that in 1994. The pair exchange a few punches, Batista gives Cena a spinebuster, then throws him out.

 

 

Big Dave is declared the winner, he's going to WrestleMania. Backstage Vince is trying to walk himself to the ambulance unassisted and tears his other quad. Because they have overran quite spectacularly due to the FUCK UP of an ending, there is NO TIME to absorb Dave's victory or show any replays (which would have been nice), as a consequence it's not QUITE the watershed moment it should be. Instead we fade out quite quickly, and my tape cuts to highlights of England 0-0 Holland from February of the same year. Rooney is playing on the wing, stupid Swedish cunt.

 

Decent Rumble, but there are many better. Before popping the cassette in, I thought to myself "Big Dave wins, Puder gets lamped, Hassan gets beat up, Shawn and Angle... that's all I remember." Aside from Paul London's big bump which is all a lot of people remember about his tenure, this isn't much else to say about it. The action is decent but it's short on big stories - hardly anything is made of Benoit's run, partially because he had gone coast to coast the previous year so it didn't seem much of a feat. It's also short on "moments" aside from Puder, Hassan, London, and Shawn and Kurt setting to the table for one of the best matches either would ever have. It kept things moving at a brisk pace, almost too brisk for anything to really develop. But that's not the real problem with the 2005 Rumble.

 

What was the problem with this Rumble? There was only one guy that was going to win it. Forget everything you think you know about the "name talent" in the match that are big enough stars to win it - Shawn, Angle, maybe last year's winner Benoit, former champion Guerrero, emerging star Edge - and mark my words as someone watching the TV at the time : it was FUCKING OBVIOUS Big Dave was going to win. Raw had become all about the tension and uneasy alliance between Hunter and his colossal lieutenant, and the live crowds were desperate for Batista to murder Triple H, and the Rumble win was the most obvious way to implement that change at the top. As soon as they realized Orton wasn't going to make it as the big babyface and announced his shot at the PPV rather than entering the Rumble itself, Batista was the obvious winner. The only other candidate to win would have been John Cena who was blatantly being positioned, as I said, to be SmackDown's top star and more to the point was ready for it - as I said if anything it was long overdue. But given the gulf in perceived importance between the two shows at this point there was no chance a SmackDown wrestler was going to deny Big Dave his big moment. Other Rumbles have suffered from the same "obvious winner" syndrome, but I won't slag them off for that at this point as some other dudes have to review them.

 

Was I happy to watch this Rumble again? Absolutely. The strength in depth of the roster (by and large) here is really pleasing. I always think you can get a snapshot of how the company is doing for talent at a given time by looking at the pool for the Rumble, and they were fine here. When I read "2005" (on top of 1992) for my assigned review my exact thoughts were "could have been worse," and it really could have been.

 

EDIT - I remembered ; Orlando's music is that of The Kat except with the cat sounds taken out.

[WWFChilli]

I LOVE THIS THREAD!!!

[Hamboy]

1994 ROYAL RUMBLE

 

That’s right, it’s that time again folks, it’s Royal Rumble time.

 

 

The 1994 Royal Rumble came at a transitional period for the WWF. After a brief return in 1993, Hogan was gone, and most of the stars associated with the “Hogan Era” had disappeared with him. Randy Savage was still around, and over as ever, but his time in the main event spotlight had ended. The top positions on the roster were filled by newer, younger wrestlers. The Undertaker was set to challenge the huge Yokozuna for the WWF Championship. Two time WWF Champion Bret Hart challenged for the Tag Team straps alongside his brother Owen, but frictions had been building between them since Survivor Series that threatened to explode. Razor Ramon was the reigning and defending Intercontinental Champion. Shawn Michaels was quickly rising up the card, and Diesel, his massive bodyguard, came along for the ride. Favourites for the Rumble Match itself included the aforementioned Bret Hart, American hero Lex Luger (who had to win this match, for he had been banned from challenging Yokozuna for the title following his failure at SummerSlam), and last years runner up, Randy Savage.

 

Your commentators for this evening will be Vince McMahon and the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase. This, apparently, is a shock to McMahon. God knows why that bastard Tunney didn’t tell him who he was working with, but that’s irrelevant. As is most of the commentary, actually. These two aren’t bad, per say, but they’re probably the least memorable commentary pairing I’ve ever come across, and I love both men.

 

 

“As a matter of fact McMahon, you could be working for me, ahahahahaha!”

“Well that is a laugh...”

 

I’m not going to cover much of the undercard. After all, this thread is about the Rumble Match itself. However, there was one significant event that would have severe implications for Bret Hart. The tensions between him and Owen had indeed reached boiling point, and the dastardly Owen had “kicked his leg out of his leg” (what?) in revenge for apparent selfishness in their tag team match up. Would Bret make it to the Rumble? Would this be the end of the night for the Hitman? No one was sure, the only certainties were that he was in bad shape, and Owen had turned his back on his family and his fans.

 

The Fink takes to the ring. As usual, he informs us of the rules. Who would draw number 1?

 

 

It’s Scotty Steiner, and as DiBiase reminds us, number 1 is not a pleasant position to be in. Steiner’s expression is reserved; he knows he’s in for an uphill struggle. Headshrinker Samu follows, and the match begins. The two tag team specialists exchange blows for the first minute and a half of the match, neither able to gain any real advantage over the other, before Scott’s brother Rick enters the fray. The next ninety seconds are predictably unpleasant for Samu, as he’s whipped and suplexed around the ring by the brothers Steiner, and finally eliminated...

 

 

In what has to be the most painful elimination in Rumble history. Ouch.

 

Kwang follows, and immediately evens the odds with a dose of Green Mist to the eyes of Rick. He and Scott then battle for a short while as Vince reminds us that the only man that would turn on his brother is Owen Hart. The clock ticks down to zero.

 

 

What are the odds? Owen, who comes out to the loudest chorus of boos thus far in the match, immediately assaults the blinded Rick Steiner like the evil bastard he is, dumping him over the top rope in the process. Bart Gunn is the next entrant, and the four men tussle in the ring as McMahon informs us that there is a violent incident taking place backstage. Cameras will be there as soon as possible. As for the in ring action, the next man in the Rumble is none other than Diesel. The biggest man in the match so far makes his presence felt as soon as he enters the ring, assaulting all four men and chucking out Gunn, the surviving Steiner and Hart in quick succession (Owens’ elimination elicits a huge cheer, and as such this seems like a rather lacklustre way to end his stint in the match). But Kwang manages to hit some offence! Can he bring the big man down to size?

 

 

Of course not. Who the fuck’s ever heard of Kwang anyway?

 

Bob Backlund sprints to the ring, runs for Big Sexy like a madman, grabs him by the legs and actually manages to lift him almost out of the ring. It doesn’t last though, as Diesel manages to get back to his feet and despatches Mr Backlund in short order. Billy Gunn enters, and is thrown out in less than thirty seconds. Meanwhile, we see the footage McMahon promised earlier. Lex Luger was the victim of an assault backstage by Tenryu and the Great Kabuki at the orders of the nefarious Mr Fuji, and was left down and out. Suddenly, it seems like Hart and Luger – two of the favourites in the match – may both be unable to compete. With Diesel dominant in the ring, could this mean he is to continue throwing opponents out of the ring unheeded? The crowd are rallying behind him at this point, in an early showing of support for the man that would come to dominate the WWF within the next two years. The smile of the big man paints a picture. He’s dominant, and there’s no one that can stop him.

 

Or is there?

 

 

Not yet.

 

 

Randy Savage, however, provides a more legitimate challenge, and the crowd goes wild as he makes his entrance. Savage beats the much larger man from post to post, but isn’t able to eliminate him. However, he’s lasted longer than the previous three entrants, as Jeff Jarrett is the next to join the battle. Double J guns straight for the Macho Man, giving Diesel the chance to catch his breath. He even manages to throw the former WWF Champion over the top rope... unfortunately for Jarrett, Savage is able to hold on to the top rope, rolls back in the ring and launches Jarrett back to Nashville before pounding Diesel again. Savage’s current nemesis, another big man by the name of Crush, enters under the bottom rope but Savage is on top of him before he hits any offence. Savage dominates Crush with punches, slams, and Axe Handles from the top rope, before being distracted by Diesel and blind sided. The pair team up on the fallen Macho Man for a few seconds, and Crush drops him out of the ring as Doink the Clown emerges from the curtain. Much like the elimination of Owen Hart earlier, Savage’s departure (the most over man in the match thus far) is a huge anti-climax. Flower spray to the eyes of the big men allow Doink to survive for the next ninety seconds, before the newly arriving Bam Bam Bigelow Gorilla Presses the clown clean out of the ring. The three men beat each other down before the massive Mabel marches into the match.

 

 

I feel sorry for the ring right now.

 

Mabel is over with the fans, and he and Diesel exchange blows in what we all wish was their only confrontation. Mable delivers huge splashes to all three of his opponents, before Sparky Plugg joins the Rumble. Unfortunately for Bob Holly, nobody cares and he is quickly beaten down by Crush and Diesel. People care significantly more about Shawn Michaels, however, as he stares down (and quickly retreats from) his bodyguard. The two exchange a handshake, but almost instantaneously, Diesel is thrown out by everyone in the ring, with even HBK helping them out. The audience loudly cheer Big Daddy Cool as he leaves the arena, in respect for his total domination of the match thus far.

 

 

UKFF favourite Mo enters next, and gets to work in helping his MOM team mate Mable by attacking Crush and Bam Bam, who had been double teaming him. The two team up, and Bam Bam eats another Splash. There is a loud pop as veteran Greg “The Hammer” Valentine joins the Rumble. McMahon informs us of Valentine’s reputation as an iron man in these contests, and he would indeed put on a decent showing once more, if not to the standards of previous years. Tatanka is the next participant, and the ring is beginning to fill up. Kabuki follows, and McMahon and DiBiase use the opportunity to speculate on the status of Lex Luger. Meanwhile, everyone in the ring – with the exception of the downed Mo – team up to haul Mable over the top rope, and gain the record for the largest number of bodies taken to eliminate one person, with seven. Michaels clings on to the top rope for dear life as the clock counts down the next entrant.

 

 

Luger made it! Sprinting toward the ring, he doesn’t even seem hurt. It’s as if the beat down never happened. Kabuki and Tenryu are truly the worst mercenaries ever. Indeed, Kabuki is soon eliminated by the Total Package, after doing nothing of note. Luger dominates, with Shawn, Crush, Mo and Bam Bam all bumping for him. Crush manages to slow him down just before Tenryu makes his appearance. He goes straight for Lex and DiBiase informs us that “He’s not there to win. He’s there to get rid of Luger.” Far more successful than Kabuki, Tenryu manages to hit Luger with a series of solid chops, but is unable to eliminate him.

 

The isle is empty as the clock strikes zero. It seams our worst fears have been realised. Bret Hart must have been hurt too badly to enter the Royal Rumble. His hopes of regaining the title at Wrestlemania have been dashed, thanks to the vile Owen Hart. Meanwhile, DiBiase insists that Luger has “got to be hurting”. Not that he’s giving us any indication that he is, of course, as he almost manages to punch Shawn Michaels straight over the top rope. Rick Martel enters next, and McMahon reminds us of his fifty three minute stay in the 1991 Rumble. Nothing of note happens until the next entrant arrives and...

 

 

It’s Bret Hart! It’s Bret Hart!

 

Limping towards the ring despite his injuries, despite the betrayal of his brother, Hart shows us the true heart of a champion and he valiantly enters the match. The fans go mental for the Hitman.

 

Unfortunately for Bret, Crush goes straight to work on his knee, and is soon joined by Tenryu. The competitors continue to isolate Bret’s knee as Fatu enters the match. However, Hart is able to regain his footing in time to help Luger, Bam Bam and Sparky Plugg eliminate Crush, who’s managed to last over twenty five minutes.

 

Marty Jannetty has the number twenty nine spot, and guns straight for his old tag team partner Shawn Michaels. He even manages to duck a superkick from HBK and respond with one of his own before gaining a near elimination. Adam Bomb rounds out the final spot, and it’s now official: One of the men in the ring will win the Royal Rumble. McMahon seems certain it will be Bomb. Which means it definitely won’t be. Hart continues to sell like a trooper as he stumbles around the ring, before helping Shawn Michaels dump out Sparky Plugg. Plugg managed to clock in an impressive twenty one and a half minutes, but did a whole lot of nothing while he was there. I doubt anyone in the crowd noticed he was gone. Meanwhile, we’re informed the missing entrant was a sick Bastion Booger. One would assume a man with his lifestyle would be immune to all diseases, but it was probably for the better anyway. An incredibly slow and pointless three minutes pass between the eliminations of Plugg and Greg Valentine (at the hands of the Model), but things begin to pick up as Martell, Bomb, Mo and Tatanka are ejected in quick succession. Tonight’s Iron Man, Bam Bam Bigelow (with a stay of thirty minutes and twelve seconds) is eliminated by Lex Luger, just before Michaels dumps Jannetty (again). Hart continues his one legged struggle, and he and Luger knock Michaels and Fatu down by whipping them into each other. Hart and Luger continue their alliance by throwing Tenryu out together, and we are left with a Final Four of Michaels, Hart, Luger and Fatu (for some reason).

 

 

Hart and Michaels have an impressive exchange, perhaps a sign of things to come, and Fatu actually manages a surprising amount of offence on Lugar before taking the fabled Rikishi Bump(!) from a clothesline and being chucked out along with Michaels.

 

 

That leaves two men in the ring. It’s none other than the pair we thought might not make it to the Royal Rumble at all, Bret Hart and Lex Luger. The crowd are hot for this face off, and the pair quickly get to work punching and grappling each other. Luger looks like he’s about to throw the Hitman out, before Bret escapes, and launches himself at Luger...

 

 

Leaving both men tumbling out of the ring.

 

The officials can’t agree. The Fink can’t get a straight answer from them. First he announces Luger, and then he announces Hart. The crowd aren’t exactly split, but at first they cheer both announcements – however, as this sequence continues it’s clear they’re solidly behind the Excellence of Execution. Not surprising either, Hart did far more than Luger to gain their sympathy in this match, hobbling to the ring on one leg, fighting his way to the end and continuing to limp around the ring even now, at the conclusion. Luger, on the other hand, appeared to be fresh as a daisy all throughout his stint, the earlier beat down having seemingly no effect in the long run. Nonetheless, both McMahon and DiBiase appear to back Luger before President Jack Tunney marches to the ring to make his announcement. Fortunately for him, he doesn’t tear his quads doing so.

 

The replay camera angle is inconclusive, with a turnbuckle blocking the view of either mans feet. Finally, Howard Finkle takes to the microphone once more to tell us that the winners of the 1994 Royal Rumble are Lex Luger and Bret “Hitman” Hart. The crowd aren’t sure how to take the news as stock music plays the end of the Pay Per View, and neither am I. The two men briefly shake hands, and the Royal Rumble is over for another year.

 

This Rumble is something of a mixed bag really. It’s not as star studded as many others, and it shows. Only Bret and Luger are treated as legitimate contenders to win, with Savage having an early and uninspiring exit. Similarly, Owen Hart, coming off an extremely hot angle, isn’t given much time to shine. On the other hand, Diesel’s early domination is entertaining, earning him the respect of the fans in attendance, and Bret Hart does a wonderful job of selling his knee injury, garnering the sympathy of the crowd. This only highlights Luger’s lack of selling of any kind of his own supposed injuries though, and as such the parallel stories of the two wrestlers don’t really play out as they should. The finishing sequence isn’t particularly gripping, and as such the ending falls a little flat, and would be played out far better by John Cena and Batista eleven years later. Like all Rumbles, this match is ultimately fun to watch, but it is far from a contender for one of the best.

 

Perhaps if I were more than one and a half years old when this event aired, and had time to invest in the characters as a child, my opinions would be different, but considering some of my favourite Rumbles – namely 1991 and 1992 – aired before I was born, I think it’s reasonably fair to say my opinions wouldn’t change that drastically.

[Up Chuck]

Whoever was posting links, here's 2001.

[Big Jock Knew]

Brilliant thread folks. I won't write a review as I don't feel I'll do any Rumble the justice it deserves after these excellent write-ups, so here is a crude MS Paint of my favourite Royal Rumble moment ever.

 

From the 2004 Rumble:

 

[air_raid]

It's not that crude. There is at least some evidence of cut 'n' paste

[Big Jock Knew]

You should have seen some of the pitiful attempts I made at writing 'Royal Rumble' for that size of graphic with the Paint pencil!