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Post Of The Year 2011 Nominations


tiger_rick

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I'm not feeling that Vito post. Here's a nomination for y'all though -

 

Got linked to this on twitter. Story from 2001 in which the vatican confirms priests in 23 countries abused nuns - then some of them encouraged the nuns to get abortions and go on the pill if they got pregnant.

 

Fucking hell, that's made me angry. I've also been reading the first draft of someone's book who was physically abused by nuns in a Scottish care home. It's not necessarily the choices that religious institutions make that tend to make me angry or concern me - it's the lack of transparent accountability.

I think it's high time that people stopped getting outraged over institutional abuse within religion. I'm not being sarcastic, either. Partly because "Catholic priests abuse people, I will not stand for this! Actually I will, because I'm not really interested enough to do anything to stop it" has been going on for years now and it's a bit boring. Catholics are brilliant at organising terrorist cells, anti-Catholics should do the same thing instead of just talking about the evils men do.

 

But more importantly because, if you really believe in the fantasy that Catholicism -- or pretty much any other religion -- perpetuates, it doesn't matter if you get abused in your little temporary earth-shell. It's all just a blink-of-an-eyelid exam to see if you get a ticket to magicland anyway. Isn't that the point of religion? Keep the suffering peasants quiet by promising they'll be kings after they die. Fifty years or so of living with the memory of a priest fingering you is nothing compared to the eternity of bliss you're in for if you're a good egg. Bear the burden, keep your head down, and you get to go round the factory with Augustus Gloop and that lad in the cowboy gear. And God will judge the baddies anyway, let's leave Him to it. He's got a much fuller picture of the abuse than we have, it usually happened in His house with Him watching. No, that doesn't make Him a voyeuristic perv who stood by fondling Himself and letting it happen. You only think that because you're corrupt and have no moral compass. Plus He's got a plan, whereas we're just scrambling around all temporal and fleshy.

 

As long as we're giving credence to the nonsense of religion in the first place, it's pointless to get moody over stuff that is rendered largely meaningless by it. If we're judging the sinners, aren't we committing blasphemy or heresy or one of them? Let's all reflect on Romans 14, and start practising what we (allow the divvies to) preach. Or let's stop pretending to respect it at all.

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I'm not feeling that Vito post. Here's a nomination for y'all though -

 

No, there was something about that Vito post that didn't quite sit right with me too, but King Pitcos delivered the goods once again. Seconded.

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This had me giggling like a 6 year old girl, it's from the poo thread:

 

Earlier in the week, I was on a train from Manchester to Liverpool and about fifteen minutes in, was struck by the need to poo. It was a little dinky train, packed and I had about three massive bags that I didn't want to carry around looking for the on-board bog. I decided to hold it in, thinking the train would be in Liverpool within fifteen minutes, but it was really another forty-five, and this was no normal shit. It was horrible, explosive, stomach-wrenching hell. The contractions got closer and closer together and it got harder to fight the urge to just release my brownwater baby into my jeans, consequences be damned. I fought proudly though, staggered to the doorway of the carriage and just willed the train to pull in. When it got to Lime St, I ran for the toilets and just about made it.

 

There then followed about half an hour of crying and sweating my way through a combined blast of diarrhea and crippling constipation. The shit was yellow, possible from Chicken McNuggets. My girlfriend was waiting outside the station in the car for me the whole time, and sending texts that were supportive yet also urged me to hurry the fuck up.

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KIMBOMANIA'S RUNNING WILD!

 

Here's how I'd do it..

 

 

Bahamian Steetfight, winner gets to host the rest of the show. The Rock vs Kimbo Slice

 

Kimbo Slice wins with a punch

 

 

Ironman Warm-up match 1. Kevin Nash vs Daniel Bryan

 

Big Kev points and laughs until Bryan bursts into tears and collapses, Kev then climbs the turbuckle to hit the dreaded "Bottom rope splash" for the victory

 

 

Ironman Warm-up match 2. HHH vs Booker T

 

HHH hits Book with a Pedigree, then goes backstage to get something to eat, 10 minutes pass before we see him come back walking towards the ring eating a burger, he then enters the ring and pins the still prone Booker T for the victory.

 

Post-match Nelson Mandela comes out and apologises on behalf of the black race for Booker T being one of them. HHH graciously accepts, and they do crotch-chops and poses while Booker T gets stretchered out.

 

 

Streak vs Freak.......ZILLA. Undertaker vs Scott Steiner

 

Whoever wins, we win.

 

 

Undisputed Title match. Cena vs Miz vs Del Rio vs Edge

 

It's pretty shit, until Kimbo comes down with a briefcase, Mikey Cole, on behalf of the RAW GM asks him what he's playing at, Kimbo says he's cashing in his "Kimbo in the bank" contract, the GM says there's no such thing, so Kimbo says "Put your hands up nigga, let's do this!" and cracks the laptop. He then proclaims himself the new GM, before sliding into the ring, Kimbo-Plexing everyone, and becoming the new Unidsputed champeeeen.

 

 

90 Min Ironman match. Kevin Nash vs HHH

 

Scott Hall and Larry Z are on commentary for this one. Scott busts out a "suck on that!" after every offensive move/sentence.

 

Kevin Nash gains control early by grabbing a mic, leaning over the top rope and spends half an hour telling insider jokes, and WCW backstage stories. HHH retaliates by cutting a 30 minute "I AM THE GAME.UHHHH" promo. The final half-hour is built on mutual respect as they stand arms round each other telling the story of how when they worked a program together in 2003 despite the internet bashing it, they still outdrew everything else around the same time. The bell rings after this great exchange..

 

"Hey, Kev, remember when the internet said noone would buy our HIAC match"

"Yeah, and we did an 0.8 buyrate"

"Good times"

 

 

Time-limit draw. 0-0. Undisputed champ Kimbo Slice then makes his way down to the ring to congratulate both men on the best match he's ever witnessed. He says if he's being honest with himself, he doesn't want to be a fake wrestler, he wants to go back to doing a real sport in MMA, the fans applaud, and chants of "Thank you Kimbo", and "Please don't go" ring throughout the arena. He says as hard as it may seem now, the show must go on without him, and who better to lead this great sport into the new generation than the men standing in the ring with him right now, he then bites his Undisputed title into two pieces, and hands one to Kev, and one to HHH, he tells them to defend the title with honour, as this time next year he plans on coming back for the HOF and a dvd payday. The three of them then embrace in a WM20-like fashion, confetti falls, and "Leave The Memories Alone" plays as we fade to black..

 

 

* A "365 days til KimboMania 2" video plays*

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Then admit that you are wrong about one of the best wrestlers that ever lived being better with 10 years of experience than he was with 22, you complete idiot.

 

No, you fucking brenton. Admit to being a ringpiece first.

 

sign_rofl.gif

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