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Idiots at work

Frankie Crisp

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Christ that's awful. Now that I'm free from swordmouth, I haven't had an office moron incident since 26/8/09. Don't worry I'm not keeping a journal of these things (unless the scars on my right fore arm count), I just posted about it a while back:


To set the scene, woman on team has brought a cake in and is offering it around. She offers it to a guy on the team but he's going downstairs for a meeting of some description.


Her: "Want some cake?"


Him: "Not just now, I'm going downstairs. Don't worry, I have a meeting, I'm not running away from your cake"


Her: "HAHAHAHAHAHA. It'll still be waiting for you when you come back up!"


Him: "It won't have run away will it?"




Him: "It's not a lemon cake with legs is it?"





I think I'm going to go to the toilets and cut myself in a moment.

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I'm having to blatantly bump this, because the lads who I normally vent to aren't here and I need to tell someone, anyone, before my head starts to bleed.


The idiot has struck again, twice in ten minutes. Here's the gist:


On overseas communications:

"My mate is going on honeymoon on Friday, she got married last week but they couldn't get a flight until Friday"

"That's nice"

"Yeah, they're going to Hawaii"

"That's nice"

"She's really excited, but I don't know if she'll be okay talking to people"


"Well I know some people in the hotel will speak English, but it might be difficult if she meets people because she doesn't speak Mexican"


I didnt like it there, everybody spoke Mexicoan

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I didnt like it there, everybody spoke Mexicoan


Buffy S7 by any chance?


Anyway no idiots as such where I work but some shady cunts.


Some fucker put my name to a dodgey pallet that was sent out to a customer and I was lucky not to get shit canned over it but thankfully everyone backed me up.

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On a slightly different tack, I love rumours at work..


Since I left ive heard some crackers. the most recent being I did over a big dealer for some money he owed me, and then moved to Australia with his missus. :p ?!?!??!


The one before that was I had done something terrible with one of my female co workers at work and they had to get rid of me as low key as possible as to not cause a storm. Where do they get this stuff from...???



3 years nearly since ive been there, oh how I laugh

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We keep a log of the stupid things that this lad comes out with at work, and here's the prize gems (all are genuine, NONE copied from the internet or anything, google them yourself. . .)


"How do you spell Noddy? Is it N-O-D-I-E?"

"What's the Third Reich?"

"All Australians look the same."

"What was that film...... Quadrophobia?"

"If they haven't made a film out of it, then it's not a decent book."

"Jesus is no different to Osama bin Laden."

"Was Shergar a horse?"

"Yakubu... the next black Thierry Henry."

"If you're too old to work, you're too old to drive."

"What's Taxidermy?"

"Paula Radcliffe should have finished the race... 'cos I did the Great North Run even though I was knackered."

"Were all the Dutch internationals called up to Holland?"

"Why delegate when you can do it yourself?"

"She's in the top 20...she's 22."

"What was the band with Keith Chegwin in....I mean Cheryl Baker?"

"How much have Man United won since they last won something?"

"I can remember Supergran but I can't remember what it was about."

"Just because he's won every trophy, it doesn't make him a good manager."

"He's only good when he's on form."

"That American Football team...the San Francisco 69ers"

"A shed is a garage"

"The group is called the 5,6,7,8'S" That's because they couldn't count to four.

Question on a Tuesday; "Have you been on the roulette machine today". Reply was "no I'm finished for the week, I'll probably have a go on Friday"

While watching the film Pitch Black, he commented, he's neither good nor bad he's pure evil.

These two lads from the office were arguing over vegetarians and whether man has always ate meat........ he comes out with........."we've always eaten meat, you can tell from the photographs of cave men."

"In 52 weeks it will be this time next year."

While referring to a picture of a contortionist in the paper: "Wow, she can put her head round the back of her leg".

"I'd rather be rich and miserable than poor and happy"

"There was a JJB on the inside lane."

"I was doing the annual stuff that I do monthly".

"Is that the highest score draw or did someone win 6-4"

"Dont open the windows otherwise the air-con will try and cool everything outside."

"He is not even British or english."

About Gary Coleman from Different Strokes; "Has he grown up yet?""

"I wish I was that famous hipnotist, Dave McKenna!!"

"Can you use Argos vouchers in woolworths?"

Holding out a bannana: "Who wants an apple?"

"McFly and the beatles are exactly the same. They are both shit"

He is sitting to the right of two lads in a pub when a woman walks in with big boobs and a necklace hanging from her neck. He says; "(x), pretend that you are the necklace and me and (x) are tits".

"I am going to have a free night in tonight because the drink I have in the house; I bought last week."

"The iPod is not an mp3 player."

"Slash got on stage and done a solo, by himself"

"You haven't got 1 day, you've got 24 hours"

"On Honey I Shrunk the Kids, he should have shrunk a large pizza, then everyone could have had a small pizza each".


And, my all-time favourite:


"It's like an everlasting pint, that you top up at the bar yourself."

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"Dont open the windows otherwise the air-con will try and cool everything outside."

There are some gems in there, but that one is just brilliant.


I've already had another one from our idiotic friend since my last post, regarding the spelling/meaning of 'doppelganger', but the conversation has destroyed my soul and entire will to live, so I'll post the conversation in full when I am able to type the story without wanting to cry.

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Most of the people around me at work are great really so I don't have too much to moan about.


I think I've mentioned it before in another thread on this subject but we work in a very large open plan swanky office which is nice but there is no privacy and you have to put up with everyone's conversations. Unfortunately our department borders with a call centre full of master technicians (expert mechanics basically) whose brains are still firmly in the garage. So its homophobic jibes, swearing and almost always mysogyny all round.


There's also the lady near me who seems to have nothing worthwhile to do so she moans about the air conditioning. Constantly. She actually had a go at one of the maintenance guys because he refused to block up the her nearest A/C vent on the spot without proper authorisation. She talked to him like shit and then pissed and whined to everyone else (some people supported her unbelievably) about it afterwards.


I have a lot to be thankful for really, if people get on my nerves and I have a lot of work on I just zone it out by listening to music or I can swing a day or two working from home. My girlfriend works with some grade A cunts by the sound of it and I have to stop myself from getting angry on her behalf when she talks about them. She works for a large internet bank and the culture there is typical of a call centre - low paid 'managers' who have no experience or leadership and shitting on everyone. Stupid attempts to 'boost morale' that are so cynical they have the opposite effect. Draconian rules on toilet breaks, drinks breaks and genuine illness or absense. I remember working for BT before I went to Uni in a similar environment, the only thing that kept me going was an innate smugness that I would never have to put up with it again, my workplace is mostly occupied by people who treat each other with respect and maturity which I try hard not to take for granted. Still doesn't stop me getting annoyed by the A/C moaner though. PUT A FUCKING CARDIGAN ON.

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Is she fit?

She's a 9-yarder at best.


Along with her complete failure to grasp how utterly thick she is, she's also one of those average birds who you'd get off with for a laugh at 2am when you're shitfaced, but they themselves believe they are what the world's been waiting for. Her stories on a Monday are the best, when she comes in with tales of all these 'dead fit blokes' who she kopped for over the weekend, yet for some reason they don't reply to her messages or ever call her.


They're the only stories which engage me, but not for the reasons she thinks.


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There is some classic stuff in here. I've never worked with any real thick as pig shit people, just some cute ditzy blondes who we're all fit as hell but uttered some typical blondes things such as:


"Jimi Hendrix? He's that snooker player isn't he?"


On being asked if she'd seen someones birthmark: "oh yeah I've seen that, its been there for ages"



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