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Frankie Crisp

Idiots at work

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Not an idiot at work...anymore...but it's actually my girlfriend who I used to work with a couple of years ago, she comes out with some real crackers.

 

Watching UFC one time and Stitch comes onto the screen:

 

Her: ''Oh my god, he looks well like Denzel Washington''

Me: ''I think you mean Morgan Freeman?''

Her: ''Well thats the same person really isn't it''

 

On holiday in Egypt we walk past a shop called ''Africa Mini-Mart'' with three local guys sat outside it, she looks at the shop, looks at me, looks back at the shop then back at me with a smug look on her face and goes;

 

''Africa Mini-Mart?....clearly not when they're all Egyptian!''

 

Just the other night after me teasing her about her funny comments she was laughing at herself but jokingly said...

 

''you better be careful else you're gonna get T-K-F-O!''

 

Her reaction to me suggesting we took a drive down to Loch Lomond then had some lunch;

 

Her: ''yeah that sounds good, I just hope the monster doesn't have me for lunch''

Me: ''what monster?''

Her: ''errrrr....the Loch Ness Monster stupid!''

Me: ''what, in Loch Lomond?''

Her: ''yeah, is that not where he lives?''

 

 

She has said a million more but that's the main ones that I can think of just now.

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HD, I'm choosing to assume that you've put those superfluous apostrophes in to highlight her stupidity.

 

Also, prawns look pretty horrendous before they're shelled anyway. She'd probably have been totally digusted if you showed them what they look like in their full glory.

Edited by JLM

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HD, I'm choosing to assume that you've put those superfluous apostrophes in to highlight her stupidity.

You beat me to that one.

 

It also reminded me of my little mate and her first ever idiotic comment when we started sharing an office. I can't remember exactly what she typed (and I will have purged it for my own sanity within seconds), but I told her there was no need for the majority of the apostrophes she'd littered my screen with. She looked at me vacantly, silently and disturbingly for a good few seconds, before asking if I meant the 'half quote marks'.

 

Weeks later, I penetrated her and have never forgiven myself.

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HD, I'm choosing to assume that you've put those superfluous apostrophes in to highlight her stupidity.

You beat me to that one.

 

It also reminded me of my little mate and her first ever idiotic comment when we started sharing an office. I can't remember exactly what she typed (and I will have purged it for my own sanity within seconds), but I told her there was no need for the majority of the apostrophes she'd littered my screen with. She looked at me vacantly, silently and disturbingly for a good few seconds, before asking if I meant the 'half quote marks'.

 

Weeks later, I penetrated her and have never forgiven myself.

 

pictures?

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Seems like a good time to share stories about this absolute moron of a bitch I work with. The woman in question is easily in her late 30's early 40's, single, and as far as i know has no boyfriend. She also lives on her own, and has worked at my company for quite a while, which makes her think shes above those who are newer to the company when in fact she isnt and has no stroke whatsoever. Fair play to her, she is a good salesperson and is amongst the top of the shop in terms of figures all the time, which again probably add's to why she thinks she's king shit. To summarise some of her personality traits, my theory is she was a bit of a loaner in her youth, and now she's good at her job, has livened herself up a bit, but still shows elements of her geeky past and desperate attempts to be accepted.

 

Like I said, she's in her 40's yet still wants to be seen as 'in the know' with the youth of today. Thats not a problem as such, but it's the way she is so vocal in announcing she knows who Chipmunk, Tinchey Strider and Jay Z are that make her so infuriating. I forgot to mention, she is constantly bumming/ sucking up to the black guys on our team, and often tries to engage in conversations about music with them. However, whats so hilarious is that she does herslef no favours by saying things like "Chipmunk is a superstar" and shit like that, which as you can imagine makes her look like a total prat, yet everybody seems polite enough not to pull her up on it....either that or they are simply humouring her!

 

She also has direct control to the radio which is right behind her...this means her stations are ALWAYS on...and yes they are always stations like KISS fm and Force 1 I think it is? It's little things like the other day when she refused to change the station as requested because Tinchey Strider was hosting the show for an hour, then announcing loudy "Go on Tinchey you do your thing" whenever he was on. Again, just to remind everybody, this is essentially a 40 year old spinster saying this.

 

These annoyances bassically started where I work when 2 teams were fused into 1 which isnt a massive problem as the other guys on the team are cool. For some reason they mixed up the seating plan on the table we sit at, so now the 2 teams are evenly seperated around, to create a better atmosphere. Guess who is the only person who feels isolated, doesnt like her seat, and is always causing a stir regarding it? Thats right, her. Now if I was sat ANYWHERE else on the table, im sure she wouldnt annoy me so much, however as it happens I'm sat next to somebody who works on her catagory of the publication. I realise the departments both need to communicate with each other in regards to work which is fine, but this bitch is CONSTANTLY up in my space, talking as loud as she can to her team mate about trannies and hookers (she works on the adult section) whilst im on the phone to customers. I cant tell you how many potential deals i've lost out on because clients have overheard her fog horn like mouth saying trannies as loud as she can whilst I am trying to convince them to use my company for their advertising!!!

 

As well as this, and going back slightly to her taste in music, when the whole Kanye West/ Taylor Swift shit happened, she was a right bellend about that too. She was chatting to one of the other guys about the incident and was showing a blatant bias towards Kanye in order to stay on the good side of the black guys. By the way she fancies herself as one of those "fight the machine, freedom of speech" women too, and was bassically using that as an excuse for his behaviour, as well as saying "who is Taylor Swift anyway, nobody cares". This is just about when I had to interveen as not only do I dislike Kanye and his constant playing up to get attention, but her attempt at continuing to defend Kanye when even the black kids were saying he was a "prick" was enough to wind me up further. I wont go into details of what was said but i bassically made the point that it was a twatish thing to do, regardless of who was on stage, and that Kanye was an attention seeking whore who deserved all the backlash he got from this incident. She questioned why Kanye was an attention whore asking "where did you get that from?" before muttering under her breath that i probably hated him because he was black..............right that must be it.

 

Plus she's a Chelsea fan, nothing more needs to be said.

Edited by OI OI SAVELOY

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Not strictly on topic, but I smiled at this email sent round the office today:

 

It has come to my attention that someone has been using my milk from the fridge. I feel that I should let you know that I am on a special course of medicine that has to be mixed with milk.

 

Due to the possibility of adverse side effects of this medicine the person responsible might like to contact me so that I may pass on the details of my prescription so that they may contact there GP to see if there is any cause for alarm.

 

Thanks

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But that doesn't work. If you had medication that was mixed with milk you'd pour the appropriate amount of milk into a glass and then add the prescribed amount to it. I can't think of any reason why someone would put the medication directly into the milk bottle. I'm thinking about this way too fucking much..........

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But that doesn't work. If you had medication that was mixed with milk you'd pour the appropriate amount of milk into a glass and then add the prescribed amount to it. I can't think of any reason why someone would put the medication directly into the milk bottle. I'm thinking about this way too fucking much..........

 

Are you serious??

 

It's clearly a bullshit story to trick the person in to fessing up...

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But that doesn't work. If you had medication that was mixed with milk you'd pour the appropriate amount of milk into a glass and then add the prescribed amount to it. I can't think of any reason why someone would put the medication directly into the milk bottle. I'm thinking about this way too fucking much..........

 

Are you serious??

 

It's clearly a bullshit story to trick the person in to fessing up...

 

I know that. But the tale should still work - a monster could be under your bed, it's ulikely but it could happen and therefore the story acheives it's aims. this sort of thing is important to me.

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