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Frankie Crisp

Idiots at work

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The only one I can think of right now is Eyeball Paul.

 

I first met him at a group interview and he seemed reasonably odd. Nothing too extreme. Just an older guy going through a bit of a mid life crisis. Then the introductions started. Tell us a a bit about you. Pauls revelation? "I never go anywhere without a joint, had one before I came in as I was a wee bit nervous."

 

I don't know who was the stupid one between him and the girl conducting the interview as he got the job. From there he boasted about being a great salesman despite being bottom of the board, his superstar DJ status despite never actually having a gig booked even with family, getting caught hiding drugs on his person at his desk and later in the toilets (which is why he got sacked) and his rant against some gay guys in the office - one of those "I'm not homophobic, but if they come near me I'll fucking hammer them." types.

 

He was also convinced me and a mate were having an affair as we'd go to lunch together without inviting him.

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lanky chav with ginger hair that rode a scooter called Andy.

What kind of tosser names his scooter?

Bah, should have known that you'd beat me to it!

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Apparently, Seattle is 60,000 miles away. That's not a typo, nor was she saying it in purposeful exaggeration to indicate it's a fair trek.

 

I was going to tell her that that distance is well over double the circumference of the Earth, but I didn't want the conversation to inevitably go into what the loss of foreskin had to do with how far her Mum is going on holiday.

Edited by The Waterboy

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It feels good to know that someone else has a constant source of office rage. Now that I've shed mine by moving to the opposite end of the country, it pleases me to see that I'm not a total misanthrope and that some people do deserve this level of scorn for the irritation they cause on a daily basis.

 

I will keep an eye out for Merseyside office massacres in the coming weeks.

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There are a grand total of 2 of us work where I work..

 

That means there is a 50% chance that I'm the idiot.. This doesn't please me ;)

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I once worked with a woman who claimed that when she was on her honeymoon in Thailand, the film crew was there filming the helicopter scene from Apocalypse Now. Knowing how old this woman was, and knowing when the film was made, I questioned her as to how she got married when she was 12 years old. After much backing up, she confessed that maybe she got her honeymoon confused with the time she went to Thailand when she was 12??????

 

There were more complete gobshite lies from her but I try not to think about her much. I hated her with a passion.

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The best thing about working with compulsive liars is when you know they are compulsive liars, i must admit to getting great amusement by forcing them into a web of lies that gets bigger and bigger, constantly pointing out the flaws and contradictions in the stories, so they'd lie more to cover them up but never once telling them i thought they were lying. Its so much fun to see how far they'll go. :D

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When I worked at BT there was a girl there who was so blindingly stupid it blew my mind. I think maybe she had a problem. The thing is, she didn't make me angry, I just pitied the poor girl. Also, she had the largest tits I've ever seen on such a small frame, so you have to forgive her.

 

Anyway, this is a conversation I had with her and a college of mine who had already probed her about various subjects, and who was going to take great satisfaction in showing her grand stupidity to me. It's hard to believe what she says, I know, but trust me when I say she was being deadly serious:

 

Adam: Hannah, why don't you ask Andrew about stop motion animation, remember how you were getting confused before about it?

Me: What's so confusing about stop motion animation? (I'm a former animation student and so was interested to hear what she had to say)

Hannah: Well, I don't believe in it

Me: What do you mean?

Hannah: Well, Adam tried to explain it to me, but I don't believe in it

Me: I don't understand Hannah. How can you not believe in it

Adam: Tell him what you said about Morph

Hannah: Well, he's not a model, he's a guy dressed in a plasticine suit

Me: What?

Adam: Hannah, it's an animated model. It's called stop motion animation. You know like Wallace & Gromit

Hannah: No it's not. How do they make him move?

Me: Hannah, I'm telling you, it's animation, I've done it myself when I was at college

Hannah: What, dressed up in a plasticine suit?

Me: NO! I've made a model and animated it. You move it one bit at a time, take individual photographs of each movement and them put them together.

Hannah: But how do they put the photos together? It's impossible

Adam: It's done on a computer

Me: Seriously Hannah, you are wrong. Do you seriously not believe in it? Look, I'll show you some examples

 

I then proceeded to go to youtube and show her footage of stop motion, and people making it

 

Hannah: No, it's not real. It's just a trick.

Me: Hannah, I'm telling you, I've done it myself. It's not difficult to do. It's not a trick

Hannah: I don't believe you.

ME: So it's more plausible to dress a man in a plasticine suit than it is to put some photos together to make a film

Hannah: Yes

Me: I give up

Adam: Hannah, why don't you tell Andrew what you think about the Solar system

Me: What about it?

 

At this point she was too shy to carry on, but Adam told me that she apparently really does believes that the sun revolves around the Earth.

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Any chance of you dicking her at the Christmas Party?

What, again?

Just say that you aren't you and that you are your own doppelganger. Now that she has seen you both, the only way she can survive is to become your doppelganger banger.

You mean double ganger, surely?

 

It needs to be filmed this time. It's been a while since the UKFF has had one of those.

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You should have drawn her an impromptu flip book. Her head might have exploded.

 

I believe it is traditional to trace the journey of a corey from a flaccid state to full tumescence in such flipbooks.

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I used to work with a girl who was so blissfully ignorant winding her up was a source of constant amusement..couple of the best examples I can remember :-

 

Upon someone asking another colleague to pick them up a prawn sandwich for lunch 'Uurgh, can't believe you're eating prawns? They're just sea maggots' - We then had to explain that they're shelled before being cooked & as you see them in a sandwich is not their natural state.

 

A colleague mentioned that when he was in the army, stationed in Cyrus that they had Orange trees next to their barracks - 'Fuck off, I'm not falling for that...Orange's don't grow on trees' - We led her to believe we were in fact winding her up & they grow underground like spuds.

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I used to work with a girl who was so blissfully ignorant winding her up was a source of constant amusement..couple of the best examples I can remember :-

 

Upon someone asking another colleague to pick them up a prawn sandwich for lunch 'Uurgh, can't believe you're eating prawns? They're just sea maggots' - We then had to explain that they're shelled before being cooked & as you see them in a sandwich is not their natural state.

 

A colleague mentioned that when he was in the army, stationed in Cyrus that they had Orange trees next to their barracks - 'Fuck off, I'm not falling for that...Orange's don't grow on trees' - We led her to believe we were in fact winding her up & they grow underground like spuds.

 

 

That last one reminds me of a lovely girl I know who was explained that Vodka is made from potato's, to which she exlaimed, "wow, so you can say vodka really does grown on tree's!"

 

Bless her.

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