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Doing a Larry David


PowerButchi

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I was at my member's club this evening, and they have a new girl on. I buy a pint and I'm wearing a new predominately white T-shirt. Anyway, she knocks my pint into me, and it's a bit stained. She asks if it's a problem but I say no (not meaning it). So, later on I'm talking about Funkhouser in curb, and the Palestinian girl and "I'll fuck the Jew out of you". She's standing right behind me really insulted. She's fucking Jewish! As it goes, I'm trying to smooth her over and I do and offer her a pint. I've got a large nose, and so my mate Shane comes in and goes "BUTCH YOU KIKE!" and it all goes shit.

 

Tell me your Larry David moments.

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I have frequently squinted and studied a persons facial expressions to determine whether or not they have lied to me. I also inconvienienced people by making them go out of the way to a Jack in the Box just so I could order a Jumbo Jack and say it was "pre-ttay good"

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I often have Larry David moments. I'm sure I'll think of some more as the thread progresses, but the main one that always springs to mind is at a neighbour's barbecue a few years ago. There's a young lad of about 10 who generally comes to these things and always does a turn on his guitar - he's fucking brilliant for his age, but the neighbour's talentless niece of about the same age had been Yoko Ono-ing her way in as his lyricist and backing vocalist. Anyway, they start singing this new song they had written, and the lyrics of the first verse are still etched on my brain:

 

'Kids are great,

kids are cool,

we're gonna blow up the schoo-ool,

blow up the teachers, and all of their friends-'

 

So at this point, I let out an involuntary laugh, a gut reaction to the fact these two kids were singing about anti-teacher terrorism at a BBQ where at least 4 of the attendees were education-based professionals. Just like that, the girl stops singing, shoots me the evils, and runs crying into the house, where she proceeds to lock herself in the toilet for the next 45 minutes. It seemed like all the background banter stopped at that exact moment, and I felt an imaginary camera doing a slow zoom in on my befuddled face. Half the adults at the party run in to try and reason with her, and I'm left with a couple of mates in the garden and an overriding sense of bemusement.

 

To be fair, even the girl's parents were sympathetic and said it wasn't my fault. And, like Larry often is in these situations, I was actually in the right - even by a child's standards, those lyrics are fucking shit. Liam Gallagher could come up with better.

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I often have Larry David moments. I'm sure I'll think of some more as the thread progresses, but the main one that always springs to mind is at a neighbour's barbecue a few years ago. There's a young lad of about 10 who generally comes to these things and always does a turn on his guitar - he's fucking brilliant for his age, but the neighbour's talentless niece of about the same age had been Yoko Ono-ing her way in as his lyricist and backing vocalist. Anyway, they start singing this new song they had written, and the lyrics of the first verse are still etched on my brain:

 

'Kids are great,

kids are cool,

we're gonna blow up the schoo-ool,

blow up the teachers, and all of their friends-'

 

So at this point, I let out an involuntary laugh, a gut reaction to the fact these two kids were singing about anti-teacher terrorism at a BBQ where at least 4 of the attendees were education-based professionals. Just like that, the girl stops singing, shoots me the evils, and runs crying into the house, where she proceeds to lock herself in the toilet for the next 45 minutes. It seemed like all the background banter stopped at that exact moment, and I felt an imaginary camera doing a slow zoom in on my befuddled face. Half the adults at the party run in to try and reason with her, and I'm left with a couple of mates in the garden and an overriding sense of bemusement.

 

To be fair, even the girl's parents were sympathetic and said it wasn't my fault. And, like Larry often is in these situations, I was actually in the right - even by a child's standards, those lyrics are fucking shit. Liam Gallagher could come up with better.

That is a brilliant story, very Larry David-like. Much like the episode where he stops Jeffs Daughter from singing at the birthday party.

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So random this cropped up, when I was queing for a Taxi tonight this group of like 40 year old women kept trying to do the talk and cut and fuck me where they good at it, especially with loads of drunk people around them, I went over and told them to back off and they got really pissy and told me to stop being such a boring fucker etc as they walked off I started shouting dont cut then and half the taxi que was looking at me and I just feebly offered that they were trying too cut in but most of the people around me in the line seemed happy enough, alot of the time when these things happen or any awkward situation I can hear the curb closing theme in my head as they do.

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I often avoid stop and chats.

 

Also I tend to talk like him to younger people. I have a friend who I recently worked with, she's 10 years younger than me. I hope she never see's Curb cause she'll just think I'm a total fraud.

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I was was queing up in Greggs on a lunch break a while ago now and there was a father and son stood behind me. Anyways, the dad kept on edging forward to the point that he was next to me and ended up in a coversation with a sweet little old lady in front of me. It got to the point this guy was actually in front of me and I saw this as the guy trying to cut in the queue. Quite naturally, I was really determined to get my overpriced pizza before this queue jumper got served. When the plump girl at the counter asked who was next, quite loudly I was like "I'm next" without realising the sweet little old lady in front of me was yet to be served. This resulted in dirty looks from everyone and when I asked for the pizza the lady bluntly told me that they didn't have any even though there were a dozen in front of me. Really awkward moment which was the fault of the man edging forward.

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There was an occasion a couple of years ago now where I'd done extremely well to find myself a seat on a packed bank holiday monday train heading north from London. A lot of people had been less fortunate than myself, and there were little pockets of half a dozen people sat on top of suit cases outside each of the onboard lavvies.

 

After a few stops of minding my own business and tacitly packing myself on the back for having scored an actual seat a lady got on with a gaggle, nay, a throng of children aged between about three and six years. Tempers were already pretty frayed with personal space being at such a premium and nobody was pleased to see the noisy hoard getting on, but nevertheless people were quite accommodating and collectively the passengers were able to make space enough for the mother and youngest child to sit down. The three or four other children in their party had to stand or sit on the floor nearby where their apparently stressed-out mother could keep an eye on them. I thought about offering one of them my own seat, but I was a comfortable distance away from them and it would've meant awkwardly stepping through a small crowd just to extend the offer, so I left it.

 

The journey resumed and after a while of fighting the urge I made the laborious journey to the toilet and back. On my way back I noticed that one of the children had sat down in my seat, apparently I was gone long enough that her mother assumed it had been vacated. I was happy for her to stay sat where she was and didn't mind spending the rest of the journey loitering outside the bogs, but first I'd need to get my jacket, bag etc from under the seat in question.

 

I walked over and politely asked the little girl if she wouldn't mind me getting my things, she was no older than about five and seemed embarressed to have been addressed by a stranger, and so without replying jumped out of the seat and ran back towards to her mother. Unfortunately, in her haste, she ran full pelt into one of the other seats smacking her face on the arm. This caused her to start crying and wailing cacophonously, eventually getting back to her mother who hadn't seen my brief exchange with the little girl or the subsequent face-smacking.

 

With the little girl apparently too upset to articulate what had happened the mother put two and two together and looked over at me with a face like thunder. I tried to return a sheepish smile, in the hope of conveying some sort of sympathy or apology, but I think I just came across as buzzing off her distraught daughter. To make matters worse the mother then audibly said to the child: 'Did that man throw you off your seat? The fucking prick!' which seemed to act as a narration for the little scene to any other passengers within earshot.

 

I was too embarressed to try to explain myself, either to the mother or any of the other onlookers, and so buried my head in a book for half an hour to avoid any eye contact. I had to spend almost the whole of the journey between Watford Junction and Liverpool Lime Street getting daggers from about two dozen passengers, as if my being one of the lucky few to acquire a seat in the first place wasn't enough to raise the umbrage of most of those gathered. It was an express too, so there was no respite until Runcorn. The end.

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A few years ago my mum was cleaning out the goldfish bowl late at night when she dropped it, one of the ensuing shards of glass took out a chunk of her lip. Of course, try telling a doctor that story without him giving you a dirty, "you fucking woman beating cunt" look.

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I was about to board a rather busy tube when an idiot of a woman tried to push me aside in order to get on first. Failing to do so, she insisted on pushing me from behind. Somewhere among trying to find a space while getting away from the cow, I was apparently knocked into an old woman, who said the least I could do was say sorry for pushing her. Making me out to be like the aforementioned pushy woman who had now squeezed herself down the carriage, I reluctantly said sorry while adding that the woman had pushed me into her. Not sure she believed any of it as she seemed like a "hate everyone who's younger" type, but I still see the pushy one rushing everywhere for no apparent reason.

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In a similar vain to Butch's original post, i had a player of mine tell me that he would be away for a few weeks as he was going for surgery.

 

Now, i had absolutely no idea what for, or why, and to this day i'm not sure why i said "Oh right, finally going to get that circumsion done eh?" to which he dryly replied "Yeah, i am..." I guess i wasnt sure if he was joking or not, there was an awkward silence, and nothing more was said.

 

A few weeks later, he shows up back at football practice and the following conversation took place:

 

Him: "I wont be training today i'm afraid, i'm fasting"

Me: "Oh wow, good for you. Dont know if i could do that...what charity are you doing it for?"

Him: "It's for religious purposes"

Me: *laughing* "Blimey, you one of them Hindu's nowadays?"

 

Now, i can only assure you that the latter was said with an intentional ignorance for comic effect because it still hadnt dawned on me that he had legitimately converted to islam. Naturally...another awkward silence followed.

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