Doing a Larry David

[Maverick]

Years ago, I worked nights in a frozen food warehouse. One of the perks was occasionally being allowed to eat the "damages", which most of the time was just unsellable due to a dented or torn package. One night as we waited for a lorry from another depot to arrive, a few of us decided to get some ice cream from the damages cage. When I was calling out what was in there, the two of them both agreed to Magnums. Instead of saying 'Classic' in reference to the original, I asked "Black or white?". Being that one of the colleagues was black, I immediately realised by error before I finished the question, yet somehow managed to act oblivious to what I'd said. They both laughed it off, but I still felt like a cunt. A cunt with a free Magnum, nonetheless, but still a cunt.

I don't see what you did wrong here like, it's just a magnum.

[Barrington]

I watched that episode of Alan Partridge the other day. I always end up in stitches watching it. "No way ya big spastic you're a mentalist" That had me in tears. I nearly fell off my chair laughing

[Dirty Eddie]

I watched that episode of Alan Partridge the other day. I always end up in stitches watching it. "No way ya big spastic you're a mentalist" That had me in tears. I nearly fell off my chair laughing

 

That whole series is fucking brilliant, to be fair.

[Quentin]

I was in Miami last year and we went on this sight-seeing tour to the Everglades.Along the way we stopped in this little shopping district for lunch. We were told a time to be back on the bus so we grabbed something to eat and had a look in a couple of shops.

 

We went into this one really quiet shop round the corner from where the bus was stopped with just the owner there alone and bought something. He happened to notice we were English and asked where we were from and it turned out he had quite a wealth of knowledge about the history of our city. I would have happily stayed and talked to him a while but the bus was set to leave in five minutes and we didn't want to get stuck so after a couple of minutes I had to cut the guy off and explain that we had to leave to get back on our bus. I was as polite as I could have possibly been but the guy clearly thought I just didn't want to listen and straight away looked back down to his magazine with a "Ok take care now".

 

I started trying to convince him for some reason like "Honestly! We're on a tour bus. It's just around the corner!" with my missus pulling me out of the shop so we didn't miss the bus. This guy was just looking at his magazine all sarcastic like "Sure. Well thanks for your business", seemingly really offended that I'd cut him off.

 

The bus was really about to leave!

[terrornation]

In march i went to florida for two weeks with the missus, like the big kids we are we wanted to check all the theme parks and the rides (and see the terrible event that was victory road) Anyway we went to universal studios one of the days and crammed in a lot of rides. Some of the rides have three lines of queue's. One for the fast pass ticket buyers, one for groups and one for people who didnt mind riding seperately (the queue is shorter if you do this.)

 

Anyway some of the rides also have lockers as you cant take bags etc on them. Myself and the missus quickly put our bags in the locker and opt for the queue which means you may end up seperate on they ride. when we get to the front i take my seat on the ride and lift my arms up for the safty panel to come down. As i do a member of staff is running down the line and checking they are all secure. She runs smack bang into my elbow and busts her nose. The look i got off the woman, the other members of staff and the other people in my carriage. they all thought id done it on purpose but i was honestly being polite. i apollogised repeatedly but it done no good. The staff made some shitty comments and the ride started moving. I went beetroot red and couldnt enjoy the ride i had only done as it had said on the instruction panel.

 

Anyway after the ride finished i met back up with my girl and i told her the shame of what had transpired. We went to the locker to get our bags back but found one of the bags had one of the handles sticking out and had become lodged in the locker underneath. I tried pulling the handle but to no avail. So we went back to the ride to ask a member of staff to help us out. Low and behold who the member of staff was, Yep it was the woman who's nose i had busted. She had cleaned up and obvs been given an easier task for a while i just kept my head down and let my girlfriend do the talking. Luckily the woman did help us out but not without throwing me snotty looks every five seconds. If it was here i probably would have said something however, With it being the states i probably would have had my ass sued for assault etc.

[CuckedByMenry]

I was in Miami last year and we went on this sight-seeing tour to the Everglades.Along the way we stopped in this little shopping district for lunch. We were told a time to be back on the bus so we grabbed something to eat and had a look in a couple of shops.

 

We went into this one really quiet shop round the corner from where the bus was stopped with just the owner there alone and bought something. He happened to notice we were English and asked where we were from and it turned out he had quite a wealth of knowledge about the history of our city. I would have happily stayed and talked to him a while but the bus was set to leave in five minutes and we didn't want to get stuck so after a couple of minutes I had to cut the guy off and explain that we had to leave to get back on our bus. I was as polite as I could have possibly been but the guy clearly thought I just didn't want to listen and straight away looked back down to his magazine with a "Ok take care now".

 

I started trying to convince him for some reason like "Honestly! We're on a tour bus. It's just around the corner!" with my missus pulling me out of the shop so we didn't miss the bus. This guy was just looking at his magazine all sarcastic like "Sure. Well thanks for your business", seemingly really offended that I'd cut him off.

 

The bus was really about to leave!

Of course it was. Bastard.

[matbro1984]

I have one from last Friday at my uncle's funeral. My bereaved aunt introduces me to someone (let's call her Larry) and we get chatting.

 

Aunt: Now Mathew, Larry was telling me she's got gall stones too. Any tips?

Me: Other than avoiding fatty foods there isn't much you can do

Larry: When was your last attack?

Me: Actually, I had my gall bladder out 7 weeks ago.

Larry: Oh you are lucky, because the pain is so bad isn't it. I often think death is preferable.

Aunt: *glares*

Me: *silence*

[Foale]

My brother recently split up with his girlfriend of 7 years, and in our kitchen we have a calendar that has photos of us and our extended family in for each month. Low and behold, September has a huge picture of my brother's ex right in the middle of it. So, for some clever comic relief from the situation I thought I'd be funny and write 'awkward' underneath it, to which I expected many a laugh and hearty pat on the back for lightening the mood for all.

 

Or so I thought.

 

Turns out it was way too soon to do such an insensitive joke, and it was not my calendar to write over. My Mum tore me a new one, my Dad said it wasn't funny at all and even my brother who has EXACTLY the same sense of humour as me said it was a "dickhead thing to do"

 

I guess I took a risk..

[Azrall]

My brother recently split up with his girlfriend of 7 years, and in our kitchen we have a calendar that has photos of us and our extended family in for each month. Low and behold, September has a huge picture of my brother's ex right in the middle of it. So, for some clever comic relief from the situation I thought I'd be funny and write 'awkward' underneath it, to which I expected many a laugh and hearty pat on the back for lightening the mood for all.

 

Or so I thought.

 

Turns out it was way too soon to do such an insensitive joke, and it was not my calendar to write over. My Mum tore me a new one, my Dad said it wasn't funny at all and even my brother who has EXACTLY the same sense of humour as me said it was a "dickhead thing to do"

 

I guess I took a risk..

 

That's the sort of thing I would do, So you have my sympathy sir.

[Warren Powell]

for no reason other than to be annoying, i do his... "pretty pretty prettaayyyyyy good" thing.

 

Seems to work.