Doing a Larry David

[Hyperion]

End of last year, me and two mates got to a club early (by drinking too fast and not knowing what time it was), so we stood outside smoking waiting for the clock to strike 11pm, this guy came up and for some reason he started going on about Jews and was asking if we were Jews, but not in a racist way, my mate then got the classic Larry line "You wanna check my penis?!" in. I was well impressed and slightly jealous that I'll probably never get into a situation where I can say it. In fact I'll probably wait years for it and when it happens, my mate will end up blurting it out again before I can, therefore making me feel like George Costanza in the 'Jerk store' mess.

[John Matrix]

Are you allowed to be that annoyed if you've only just converted? I would have thought converts had a waiting time before they could be annoyed about people questioning their religion.

 

I agree to be honest, i think it was more my general ignorance that pissed him off in as much as i'd gone down the "fasting for charity" route before putting two and two together and realising that circumcision + fasting might have indicated a religious shift.

 

One of those walking on egg shell things where i found myself constantly putting my foot in it every time the guy was around.

[LiamTheGreat]

I did once refuse to move from the back seat of a mates car to the (just vacated) front passenger seat. He can still talk to me, why do I need to move? I'm also guilty of a Larry David level of too much honesty. Ages ago, in two different interviews to make a tv pilot (don't ask) I basically told boss how everything they made was crap. And at another station, when asked "how could we improve things" my answer was "mass sackings"

[Sym]

The closest I've ever got is getting into the Level 7 lift of the maternity block at work, heading to level 3, only to strike a conversation with a good looking pregnant lady that went a little something like this:

 

Lady: "Lovely day today isn't it"

Sym: "Sure Is"

Lady: "I'm just really warm"

Sym: "I can only imagine...when is it due?"

...

...

...

Lady: "I'm not pregnant"

 

Awkward silence followed by me pressing the level 5 lift button and getting out and walking the rest of the way without saying a word!

[FLips]

I was waiting for the bus to town when my Mum's best mate turned up at the bus stop. Naturally, we stood making small talk until the bus arrived and then when it pulled up I just paid, sat down and waited for the inevitable part where she sits next to me and I have to talk about how windy it is for the 20 minute bus journey.

Luckily for me, she politely asks if I'd rather she sit away from me so I can listen to my iPod. I told her I would like that.

She'd obviously expected a "no it's fine, come sit here" and wasn't impressed at all.

 

All I could see in my head was the slow zoom on my ignorant, yet pleased face as the Curb music kicks in.

[Barrington]

I work at a hospital, and theres the guys who push the massive roll cages fromstores around. One of them has a withered hand (like Beadle) as he was walking into our department I offered to help him with the door in the form of "Do you want a hand" luckily I didnt react in a shocked manner and he just said "Its ok Baz I got it"

 

My friend Dave got married at the end of July. His brother Brian's gay and his boyfriend came. So we had a few drinks and my friend said something along the lines of "It just makes me emotional" To which I replied "Stop being such a fuckin' faggot". Everyone silenced I slowly turned around toward the boyfriend (Alex) and he looked petrified. Luckily he accpeted my apology but it was horrible how everyone in the room turned and gave me a disgusted look

[Smeg_&_The_Heads]

My friend Dave got married at the end of July. His brother Brian's gay and his boyfriend came. So we had a few drinks and my friend said something along the lines of "It just makes me emotional" To which I replied "Stop being such a fuckin' faggot". Everyone silenced I slowly turned around toward the boyfriend (Alex) and he looked petrified. Luckily he accpeted my apology but it was horrible how everyone in the room turned and gave me a disgusted look

 

I remember at my friends house about 15 years ago a bunch of us were there and one of his friends was gay anyway my friends Mum had no idea this lad was gay so when everybody sat down all the chairs and settee spaces was taken and it was only the gay lad left standing so my friends Mum just looked at him and said it's ok you can sit on the puff meaning the thing you put your feet on and everybody burst out laughing of course when his mum found all she was really embarrassed and spent half the night apologizing.

[matbro1984]

My best friend recounted a tale of a date gone wrong that seems straight out of CYE the other day. He's met a girl for dinner, and when the bill came he took it. She insisted "no no, let me", he said he'd pay it, and this argument goes back and forth for some time. Eventually he says alright and hands her the bill. She looks at the figure and hands it back, saying he can pay it after all. They end up having a massive row about her change of heart and she storms out of the restaurant, never to be seen again. And he paid the bill after all.

 

She did sound like a twat though.

[Barrington]

Those last two gave me a good laugh, well done guys. For some reason the restaurant one reminds me of when Larry went to ask out that wheelchair bound lady on a date. When he turns up she wants to back track "I didnt know you were bauld" and his classic yet brilliant argument was "Well I didnt know you were in a wheelchair"

[Your Fight Site]

My best friend recounted a tale of a date gone wrong that seems straight out of CYE the other day. He's met a girl for dinner, and when the bill came he took it. She insisted "no no, let me", he said he'd pay it, and this argument goes back and forth for some time. Eventually he says alright and hands her the bill. She looks at the figure and hands it back, saying he can pay it after all. They end up having a massive row about her change of heart and she storms out of the restaurant, never to be seen again. And he paid the bill after all.

 

She did sound like a twat though.

Did going halves not crop up at all...?

[ColinBollocks]

This is more an irrational LD thing. I was outside the smoking area of a club with a few mates, a couple girls come up and tab a fag off of us. They then stick around and we start talking. Things were going well, they were laughing at my bad jokes and it was getting flirty. One of the girls then starts making a big gesture to her mate that they needed drinks, cue an awkward long pause while they waited on me to offer to buy them some. When they realised I wasn't offering, they then said their goodbyes and vanished.

 

Now I don't mind buying a round to get a head, I do mind when I clearly have a fresh pint in my hand and have no intention of going to the bar for a while yet. Plus manners means they wait until I offer, instead of bringing their thirst to my attention and wait about until I buy them one.

 

One mate called me a knob.

[Philo_Vance]

Once saw a mate wander in to the boozer in a suit, after I'd been there all afternoon and was fairly far gone. I said 'fucking hell Adrian, whose funeral have you been to?', to which he responded 'My housemate's, he hung himself'.. I must have bought him about a dozen drinks and apologised all night, long after he'd stopped caring.

[matbro1984]

My best friend recounted a tale of a date gone wrong that seems straight out of CYE the other day. He's met a girl for dinner, and when the bill came he took it. She insisted "no no, let me", he said he'd pay it, and this argument goes back and forth for some time. Eventually he says alright and hands her the bill. She looks at the figure and hands it back, saying he can pay it after all. They end up having a massive row about her change of heart and she storms out of the restaurant, never to be seen again. And he paid the bill after all.

 

She did sound like a twat though.

Did going halves not crop up at all...?

Clearly not, which is straight out of the CYE playbook

[Dirty Eddie]

I was in Amsterdam with 3 friends about 7/8 years ago. We were on our way back to the airport at the end of the trip, nicely stoned. We got on the train to the airport and were joking around doing Alan Partridge jokes and (crap) impressions. Anyway, we sit down in an old fashioned style train carriage, me and one mate sitting opposite the other two, with a couple more people next to each of us. I start laughing and talking about the episode where Alan invites two Irish TV Execs back to his house (which is actually his stalker's house) and they spot a framed picture of David Copperfield on the TV. Alan responds with a silly magician mime (hands waving about, all dramatic) and say's "Oooh, I'm an American". So, I loudly and dramtically do the "Oooh, I'm an American" bit on the train, and my mate opposite gives me a funny look and say's "No, Magician". I look back with a funny look of my own and repeat "No, it's... I'm an American", doing the hands and Partridge voice again. Once again my mate gives me an evil and say's "No, i think you mean Magician!!!".

 

This goes on for a few minutes, with all my mates trying not to laugh more and more, and me getting more worked up, while I am completely oblivious to the man sat next to my friends opposite me, who is looking at me like I'm a complete cunt. As soon as we leave the carriage my mate points out that the man was chatting on the phone as we boarded and, surprise, surprise, was a Yank. No wonder he thought I was a total prick! If I were him, I would have punched me.

[CuckedByMenry]

Years ago, I worked nights in a frozen food warehouse. One of the perks was occasionally being allowed to eat the "damages", which most of the time was just unsellable due to a dented or torn package. One night as we waited for a lorry from another depot to arrive, a few of us decided to get some ice cream from the damages cage. When I was calling out what was in there, the two of them both agreed to Magnums. Instead of saying 'Classic' in reference to the original, I asked "Black or white?". Being that one of the colleagues was black, I immediately realised by error before I finished the question, yet somehow managed to act oblivious to what I'd said. They both laughed it off, but I still felt like a cunt. A cunt with a free Magnum, nonetheless, but still a cunt.