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Glenryck Pilchards

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What is the worst poo you ever had?

 

Mine occured about seven years ago. I visited a friend of mine who was studying at Leeds Met and I went for a weekend to sample the student lifestyle. After two days and nights of constant drinking and junk food I was ready to head back home for a bit of a recovery. Back then I was rather fussy on where I would drop the kids off at the pool and I didn't pass a stool since the Friday morning.

 

We were about to head for the train station and I felt a rumble and I thought to myself I can't hold this any longer I need to drop anchor. I told my mate that I would be five minutes. That five minutes turned out to be thirty minutes as I crafted a log the size of a baby's arm. It wasn't a quick exit as well this turd was moving slower than a snail, I thought this must be the male equivalent of child birth. Finally I was freed from this brown manacle and thought "Right quick wipe, flush, wash hands and bugger off.

 

The wiping went without incident, but then this is where the fun and games begin. First flush tissue disappears but the nutty log remains. Second flush, the stool does not move a millimetre. Third flush the same occurs it is completely lodged between the bottom of the porcelain and the upper ledge. I was starting to panic, thoughts were rushing through my head on what to do. Then I spotted the toilet brush, I started stabbing the unsinkable shit which caused the water to go a rusty brown. I flush again and still the colossus of turd refused to go down the U-bend. Then the moment I dreaded my mate knocked on the door and said "Are you alright?"

 

At that moment I swallowed my pride opened the door and meekly said "I have blocked your toilet and I have no idea what to do." He laughed as he walked in saying "Are you taking the piss?..... FUCKING HELL!" He went ape-shit with me and insisted that I got rid of it before we went anywhere. I looked in the kitchen cupboard and found a marigold. I put the yellow glove on, then put a carrier bag over that and a black bin-liner over that and then I went in for the kill. I broke up the crap of doom with my hand and it finally flushed away, I quickly ran out of the building with the Marigold/Carrier/Bin Liner combo glove and chucked it in the nearest bin.

 

I have not spoken to that guy since.

 

Anyone else done worse?

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I am once again suffering from a case of roids, think less Benoit type 'roids and more Hilda Ogden.

 

Nevertheless, your intrepid hero endeavoured to go to his local gym regardless of the vitis vinifera protruding from his whoopsydaisy. After an hour or so pumping iron and sweating profusely, I decided that i'd most certainly endured enough to warrant a workout ending poo. A footnote turd, if you like.

 

After evacuating my bowels of all manner of proteins and wholemeal carbohydrates, I did the usual thing of 'wipe and check'. "Bleurgh! I've made a bloody on the Andrex" I thought. No matter, soon my bloodied arse paper would be the problem of the City, not me. However, little did I know that the gods of haemorrhoidal nonchalance would play such a cruel trick on me.

 

As I flushed the toilet, a simple blockage must have occured, whereby the water, and aforementioned bloodied arse paper, rose and rose stopping shortly before an overflow occurred. My altruistic instinct kicked in, immediately feeling that I simply had to alert a member of staff to the ugly disaster at the heart of their operation. However, I recoiled in horror as I saw that the bit of toilet paper that had risen, pride of place to the top of the blocked toilet was the bloodiest of them all. By this time, the member of staff was in the door way, completely unaware of the inner turmoil that your hero was enduring.

 

By this point I was fraying at the edges, switching my glances between the clearasil-free zone that was the pre-pubescent health club worker cleaning the toilet floor and the toilet paper that was sat bestrideth its watery throne resplendent in its crimson crown. I did the only thing I could think of, gathered the attention of the worker and, hoping that he didn't know my part in this sordid tale (though, clearly knowing that he did) shared my disgust at the mess someone had left in the bogs. I was ashamed.

 

 

 

 

 

Story complete with added whimsy to hide my pain

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coming home from school one day (many years ago) i felt the rumble and the then the fear of passing wind. For nigh on 10 minutes i sat on the school bus ready to explode.

 

Why is it the closer to home you get the harder it is to keep it in. Anyway i couldnt resists and thought screw it if i follow through i follow through. Sure enough out it came. But now i was puzzled by the small addition to my briefs so out of curiosity thought I'd have a feel around only to discover the most perfect cuboid crap. I was chuffed with it and showed it to the rest of the bus. Happy days

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I've blocked numerous toilets over the years. It's a real curse.

You're in the States aren't you Neil? The bogs over there are, well, crap.

 

We blocked one a few weeks ago in New York after four of us went for a shite (separately) and then all fell in to an alcohol-induced sleep (again, separately). We were awoken at 6am by the FDNY banging our door down, because we'd flooded the bathroom and it'd gone through the floor into the apartment below. All over an elderly lady's kitchen. On Christmas Eve. To this day, we still can't believe we managed to talk our way out of getting lashed out on to the streets.

 

So yeah, that was one of my favourite/worst dumps.

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Delightful thread.

 

I had a real humdinger last week actually. 6 days without going, then going in a Euro/continental style loo (you know the ones - they're lower, squarer, flatter and where the U bend is situated more recessed than I'm used to). Result: I end up sitting atop a shit pyramid of my own making as my purge was sat neatly on the bowl rim rather than straight into the water itself. Flushing did nothing to move it as it had settled under its own weight. I ended up resorting to a bogroll-wrapped bog brush to move it back, making an epic splash landing. Amazingly, it did not block, but did require 4 flushes to fully remove.

 

Another 'memorable' one, under similar circumstances (several days without going - bad news) I managed to tear my arse in the process, and filled the bowl with blood. Not spots of it, I mean leaking out in a steady stream. Lovely. Later that night, I gambled on a risky fart in the bath and lost. Pink, bloody bathwater. Of course - and I must stress I am not embellishing this for dramatic effect - it would re-tear every time I shat for about a month. Not as painful as you'd presume, but you never quite get over the panic of seeing blood on the paper...

 

Speaking of risky farts, a tale of woe from a cousin of mine - female no less - who found herself with Delhi belly (or, er, its Spanish equivalent) and accidentally sharting herself with liquid shit on a busy shopping street in Benidorm. Quick thinking, she positioned herself over a drain in a side alley and asked her daughter to stop her husband, who had continued walking ahead, and tell him that mummy's had an accident can he go back to the room and get her new trousers and the beach bag. Cue the daughter emerging back onto the crowded street and yelling to her dad "DAD, MAMS SHIT HERSELF AND NEEDS NEW TROUSERS AND A BAG TO PUT HER JEANS IN". It genuinely hadn't occured to her to run up to her dad and tell him discreetly. To be a dick, he returned 10 minutes later with a pair of white jeans.

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Giving birth was interesting.

 

How can you even compare the two?

 

When I was a kid, when me and my brothers had done something she didn't like, she would smack us and call us little shits.

 

These guys are talking about huge shits so don't go clogging up this topic with any of this child birth crap! ;)

 

Just joking Kookoocachu, well about the child birth thing, as my mum really did that! :(

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Giving birth was interesting.

 

How can you even compare the two?

 

When I was a kid, when me and my brothers had done something she didn't like, she would smack us and call us little shits.

 

These guys are talking about huge shits so don't go clogging up this topic with any of this child birth crap! ;)

 

Just joking Kookoocachu, well about the child birth thing, as my mum really did that! :(

It's common during labour to shit yourself. As the baby's head comes down...you work out the rest.

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