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Glenryck Pilchards

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I had my appendix removed years ago as well. I was so badly constipated that the hospital were concerned. My bowels are fickle though and only will release the brown when at home or at work. So I get home and unleash a turd that seriously looked like one of those mini american footballs. Brutal coming out.

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I had my appendix removed years ago as well. I was so badly constipated that the hospital were concerned. My bowels are fickle though and only will release the brown when at home or at work. So I get home and unleash a turd that seriously looked like one of those mini american footballs. Brutal coming out.

I'm surprised they let you leave before you had your bowels open if they were that concerned. Unless they loaded your 'going home meds' bag full of Movicol???

It's always fun trying to give a person an enema when they are so badly compacted you can barely get the bloody thing in. Manual disimpaction never ended on the surgical wards, but seeing the new nursing students faces while training them was a highlight.

Another delightful poo story is one for the dementia patients in nursing homes. They just LOVE to self extract, even making you little presents out of the precious poop. That was on a good day, others you would have to clean out their mouths and god damn dentures. Everyone stops when a patient says they have chocolates...

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December last year was a turd for the ages...Work Christmas meal at an all you could eat Chinese place...half an hour into an hour long bus ride home, the gurgles started. Got off the bus into -5 with snow, and felt the fart of death approaching. Got within sight of my flat and had the most uncomfortable two flights of stairs I have ever climbed. Dived through the front door, into the bog and barely begun to lower myself when it hit...Half an hour and about 2 stone lighter, the last inch of turd fired out of my arse with the velocity of a rifle bullet, followed by the loudest fart ever witnessed in Hampshire. Flushed and walked out, and to this day, swear there was a visible fog in the bathroom. If I'd sparked up, would have taken half the block of flats with it.

 

The gas was on a par with the pub clearer I dropped in 2006, literally cleared the sports bar of about 40 people.

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After I had my appendix out 3 years ago I didn't poop for 8 days after.

 

When I finally did I was really scared and it was one of the most painful things I've ever endured.

 

Sorry to trump you Dart (No pun intended) but in 2008 after I had a car accident I did not go for 10 days. When I did it felt like I was shitting out the Cullinan Diamond and the pain was incredible. What I actually passed was about the size of a pea but with the density of a neutron star.

 

Even with the aid of laxatives I was still having a mathematicians poo for the next couple of weeks.

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Had this stomach virus around here a few years back. It made everybody do absolutely gigantic poos. Everybody had it.

 

I had the curse of it one day. It was like a long, metal bar coming out your anus. Not cool, not cool at all.

 

The sense of relief when it finally came out? Brilliant.

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I used to live in a homeless shelter. Now every so often we'd get a delivery from local shops of food that was close to going out of date. One week we got loads of bags of mint chocolate things, but for whatever reason the shelter forgot to give them out for about 4 months. After eating more than 3 you were sure to get the worst case of the squits ever.

 

It was like pissing out of my arse, thats how bad it was. In one day I went through 3 rolls of bog paper.

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Possibly related to the comfort eating I've been doing lately, but todays wasn't a particularly good one.

 

It also marked the first time that I've had to use a supermarket toilet. It wasn't so bad. A cuddly looking woman had been in so the seat was still toasty. It was either that or shit myself in the street.

 

Generous quantity, unpleasant smell (like collick), and semi-solid sticky consistancy. What made it worse was the cheap paper that didnt' so much absorb, as just smear it about. About halfway through wiping, suddenly a second wave decides to make appearance. Thoroughly unenjoyable.

 

I did have a skip in my step afterwards though.

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I've got Crohn's disease, so the output of my bowels can be unpleasant in the extreme.

 

Worst things have to be the various examinations involving barium, which involves laxative to clear the bowels first, and then of course the barium has to be crapped after and tends to leave the output white for a couple of days after.

 

Having a good solid poo is underrated, I tell you.

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I distinctly remember being in Burger King once when I felt the familiar feeling. I quickly hopped off to the toilet and did the business. Unfortunately for me, the toilet paper was like sand paper and I somehow managed to cut my gooch with it, so I was already in a pretty foul mood. Not long before finishing the deadly wipe, the door of the cubical magically bursts open and there stands a Burger King employee.

 

"Oh. Are you finished?" he asked, as I desperately tried to pull my trousers up.

 

I wasn't. Even if I was finished, I still didn't want this asian Burger King guy watching me wipe my bloody-shitty arse while my mother was waiting for me in the restaurant.

 

Oh yeah, did I mention I was about 8 at the time?

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This thread has had me in stitches, good stuff!!

 

I once had a God like shit at school. I was about 5 and I obviously had the squits. It was all yellowish brown and runny as you like. I can't really remember but I can only imagine it was pure ecstasy when I relieved my bowels.Problem was, I was in the middle of the classroom and I was wearing shorts!! No wonder I wasn't a very confident child. I was never destined to be a "cool" kid after that was I.

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A couple of years ago me and the missus went to stay with my parents for a few days during the summer. Because the weather was really nice on the last day my Dad decided to do a BBQ and as such we were all fed a load of burnt on the outside but raw on the inside chicken.

 

The following day I awoke to my a feeling like my insides were burning. I puked about 3 times that morning and spent the next few hours with my knees up by my chest moaning. We were due to fly back to Manchester (they live in Bournemouth) that afternoon and by the time it came to go to the airport I was feeling slightly better. I'm never great on car journeys anyway and so by the time we got to the airport I was feeling as bad as before. I puked twice inside the airport and I thought that was the last of it.........oh no !

 

We boarded the plane, one of them 50 seater fellas that feels like the engine is a wound up elastic band and the plane took off. The flight is less than an hour and I was doing OK. About 20 mins into the flight my stomach started rumbling and I was getting a sick taste in my mouth. To make matters worse I felt the urge to shit as well but thought I would be able to hold on. After about 10 mins of uneasyness I decided to go to the toilet on the plane and gingerly walked to the toilet. In the last few steps I felt the urge to puke and shit and so ran into the cubicle. I slammed the door shut and turned around quickly to drop my jeans and boxers. Unfortunately the fight between my mouth and my arse was won by my mouth and I projectile vomitted into the sink and all up the wall. So at this point I was stood up with my boxers and jeans around my knees whilst puking into the sink uncontrolably. It was at this point that my arse decided that it didn't want to be beaten and proceeded to empty itself all over my jeans, boxers and my shoes ! I was covered in liquid, yellow shit and stuck in an airplane toilet.

 

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse one of the flight attendants banged on the door to see if I was OK. She had heard me puking and wanted to know if I was OK. I said I was fine as I attempted to mop up the liquid faeces and sick that was all around me with tissue that was not really up to the job. After about 5 mins I was almost done when the flight attendant knocked on to say that we were due to land and I would have to retake my seat. I had managed to wipe the shit off my jeans and trainers but not my boxers. Whether it was the right decision I opted to pull up my shit laden boxers and try and dress myself.

I opened the door to the toilet and walked past about 20 pairs of disgusted eyes. The smell was horrendous, they had clearly all heard what was going on and according to my girlfriend the air hostess had told her what was going on but said it loud enough for the 4 or 5 rows around us to hear. I sat back down in my seat with my boxers squelching beneath me as all the eyes of the plane were on me !

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