Weird Neighbours

[WWFChilli]

I have a neighbour who quite recently got divorced, bought himself a shiney new car and spends every single day cleaning it, then walking around it and checking it, then the next day, same routine, I don't think he's driven the thing yet. I think he's having a moment. Anyway not exactly thrilling, but I'm sure in here we've all had some mad, weird or nutty neighbours. Stories lads, lets have a laugh/be terrified.

[Linus]

You realise you HAVE to shit on that car, right?

[Pinc]

I've only seen the fella who lives next door to us once, the first week we moved in when we knocked for him to say hello.

 

The only indications we've had that anyone even lives next door since then are i) the lights go on occasionally ii) over the summer his previously messy garden was suddenly tidied up and iii) we once heard him listening to Skunk Anansie through the wall.

[wandshogun09]

Oh here we go.

 

We've just recently had a middle-aged mother and her twenty-something son move in next door who are pretty much recluses. Fair enough and all that.

 

BUT...this is where it gets weird. No-one else ever goes in, no visitors, ever. Yet we regularly hear fairly loud sex noises.

 

Obviously we're not watching their house or anything, but from our front room window their drive is right in front of our eyes and no-one visits, never a car parked nothing. It's just this shut-in mother/son combo there all the time on their own. And...yeah, lots of shag noises. It's getting to the point now that I'm going to have to knock and tell this motherfucker. It's so disturbing. Makes my skin crawl just typing this.

[Sergio Mendacious]

The last place I lived at in London was like a case of collective lunacy — it was a shared ownership development, surrounded by lots of council flats, and attached to a council development. People from the council houses would walk through our building as a shortcut to Edmonton Green bus station — never saw any trouble from them, but it drove the residents association mental. Like, I think, actually mental. I went to a couple of meetings, and they were talking some real shit — they wanted security cameras to point at every door, and threatened to put up their own dummy cameras, and withhold the cost from their maintainence fees. Then, they asked for all of those doors to be permanently chained shut, and when it was pointed out that they were fire doors, the twat who lived opposite us chimed in that "well then, maybe someone will just block them with rubble". Fucking rubble. That's a nice way to live.

 

From that point on, there would be constant round robin emails about how any of the problems with the building were due to the council tenants — communal satellite dish on the roof breaks? They went up there and pelted it with rocks. Homeless people sleeping by the bins? They'd been invited in by the council tenants. Lift stopped working? Damaged by the council tenants, somehow.

 

At my current place, everyone seems quite normal — there is a woman in a nearby building who screams obscenities all day and into the early evening, but that's not really a problem.

[Linus]

On one side we've got a Chinese family. There's dad who drinks a lot of beer, and mum who you never really see. And they have twin daughters who are never allowed to play with any of the other kids, but who play piano - loudly - whenever they're not at school. They've gotten quite good now

 

On the other side is another family, with a short dad whose dad used to play professional football (apparently), a little boy who my daughter has a crush on, and the most bangable mum you ever saw. Needless to say, although it's suburbia, there's been no swinging. Bad times.

[King Mal the Glorious]

Similar to the OP, I had a neighbour a couple of years ago who would wash his car every single morning, check over his engine/oil levels, then pack the whole thing (including roof box) as if his whole family was going camping for a week. Then unpack it all again.

 

He didn't even go camping in it either, it was still there every night.

[Surf Digby]

The guy who lived in the flat opposite mine when I was about twenty used to knock on my door to let me know he was going to bed. He was also convinced I was called Craig.

 

When he moved out, a pair of cousins moved in who had been ousted by their families for nobbing each other.

[MungoChutney]

Oh here we go.

 

We've just recently had a middle-aged mother and her twenty-something son move in next door who are pretty much recluses. Fair enough and all that.

 

BUT...this is where it gets weird. No-one else ever goes in, no visitors, ever. Yet we regularly hear fairly loud sex noises.

 

Obviously we're not watching their house or anything, but from our front room window their drive is right in front of our eyes and no-one visits, never a car parked nothing. It's just this shut-in mother/son combo there all the time on their own. And...yeah, lots of shag noises. It's getting to the point now that I'm going to have to knock and tell this motherfucker. It's so disturbing. Makes my skin crawl just typing this.

How do you know they're mother and son?  Maybe they're just an age gap couple.

 

All of our neighbours are fairly normal at both my place and my girlfriends although she had a mother and daughter who lived through the wall at her old place who used to kick the shit out of each other every weekend.  When I was wee we lived above a family that consisted of an elderly mother with a son and daughter around their late 40's/early 50's.  They also used to get tore in to each other after they'd had a drink.  Naturally me and my friends decided they must be Satanists because they had weird posters on their back windows.  Looking back I think it was just something they'd put up to cover glass that had been cracked when they were throwing stuff at each other.  The guy was fairly creepy as a kid tbh and although there was the usual rumours about him I don't think he was ever arrested or charged with anything.

[Sergio Mendacious]

 Naturally me and my friends decided they must be Satanists because they had weird posters on their back windows.  Looking back I think it was just something they'd put up to cover glass that had been cracked when they were throwing stuff at each other.

 

My friend David Tank's dad got sick of his family damaging blinds and curtains, so he fashioned curtains out of newspaper, that fit on the curtain runners.

[Surf Digby]

My current neighbors are really noisy, but only really with their feet. Occasionally the TV is on a bit loud and they had a huge row once at five in the morning, but it's mostly the banging. Either they have bare floorboards or just really thin carpets with no underlay (and possibly wear clogs).

 

There used to be a woman over the road from my parents who washed her car every day. It was a red Austin Metro, at least ten years old and it was pristine. Then one day while she was shopping, someone smashed into it in the car park and wrecked it.

In fairness, she wasn't actually weird. She just looked after her car.

[wandshogun09]

How do you know they're mother and son?  Maybe they're just an age gap couple.

 

It's definitely a mother and son. My wife spoke to the woman once when they first moved in. She made a point of telling my missus that she's sick (couldn't agree with her more on that!) and her son lives with her as her carer.

[MungoChutney]

My conspiracy mindedness would lead me think that she was actually his neighbour and left her husband to shack up with a younger model. She's too embarrassed to say that though so she just pretends she's the mum. Who shags her son.

[wandshogun09]

My conspiracy mindedness would lead me think that she was actually his neighbour and left her husband to shack up with a younger model. She's too embarrassed to say that though so she just pretends she's the mum. Who shags her son.

Surely she would rather be known as the woman who left her husband for a toyboy than the woman who shags her son though?!

[HarmonicGenerator]

The last place I lived at in London was like a case of collective lunacy — it was a shared ownership development, surrounded by lots of council flats, and attached to a council development. People from the council houses would walk through our building as a shortcut to Edmonton Green bus station — never saw any trouble from them, but it drove the residents association mental. Like, I think, actually mental. I went to a couple of meetings, and they were talking some real shit — they wanted security cameras to point at every door, and threatened to put up their own dummy cameras, and withhold the cost from their maintainence fees. Then, they asked for all of those doors to be permanently chained shut, and when it was pointed out that they were fire doors, the twat who lived opposite us chimed in that "well then, maybe someone will just block them with rubble". Fucking rubble. That's a nice way to live.

 

From that point on, there would be constant round robin emails about how any of the problems with the building were due to the council tenants — communal satellite dish on the roof breaks? They went up there and pelted it with rocks. Homeless people sleeping by the bins? They'd been invited in by the council tenants. Lift stopped working? Damaged by the council tenants, somehow.

 

That sounds almost exactly like the plot of 'Neighbourhood Watch' by Alan Ayckbourn. It doesn't end well!