Weird Neighbours

[Sergio Mendacious]

Lived in my flat for 4-5 months now and there's two doors opposite mine. Someone lives in one of them but I don't know which and i've no idea what they look like.

 

The lass that lived opposite us moved out (and took the weird Florida State indian head that she had hanging from her door), and I swear that the place is just an Air BNB residence now. The name on the packages outside the door has changed three times in two months.

[Frankie Crisp]

Good few years ago now, but when I got booted out of uni I came back to live with my Dad for a bit. He'd been divorced from my Mum for almost a decade and as he gave her pretty much all the money from the sale of the family home, all he had was a small detached house with walls seemingly made of Crackerbread.

 

The couple next door were lovely; early twenties, timid, polite but both deaf and dumb. My bedroom was right against theirs and Christ, did they go at it. Pointless me banging on the wall and whilst it was obviously a difficulty they both lived with it was terrifying for my fragile 19 year old ears to handle. When they were at their loudest she sounded like what I imagine Big Show sounds like when taking it like Ving Rhames with a snooker ball in his mouth.

 

I still see the lad about now and again when I visit my Dad, with him completely unaware that he probably triggered my mental demise.

[Grecian]

Weirdest thing I have to put up with is one of my neighbours who has to say your name in every sentence. Does it to me, my wife - it's probably nothing to everyone else with thieving and dealing neighbours, but it's kinda odd!

[Sergio Mendacious]

Good few years ago now, but when I got booted out of uni I came back to live with my Dad for a bit. He'd been divorced from my Mum for almost a decade and as he gave her pretty much all the money from the sale of the family home, all he had was a small detached house with walls seemingly made of Crackerbread.

 

The couple next door were lovely; early twenties, timid, polite but both deaf and dumb. My bedroom was right against theirs and Christ, did they go at it. Pointless me banging on the wall and whilst it was obviously a difficulty they both lived with it was terrifying for my fragile 19 year old ears to handle. When they were at their loudest she sounded like what I imagine Big Show sounds like when taking it like Ving Rhames with a snooker ball in his mouth.

 

I still see the lad about now and again when I visit my Dad, with him completely unaware that he probably triggered my mental demise.

That's glorious. You poor sod, Frankie.

 

My mama and grandad lived in a massive estate outside of Nottingham. They had benefitted from some weird planning fuck up that meant that their end terrace had a massive garden (that they built a totally illegal extension on). my mama had a simmering, petty feud with the family living opposite since long before I was born. She would only refer to them as "him," "her," and their collective family name: "Luptons."

 

She would sit at the kitchen window, chain smoking and waiting for them, or their guests, to block their driveway. Then, she'd send my grandad out to demand they'd move the offending car. She was obsessed with making sure my grandad parked on their driveway (they had the only driveway and garage on their very long street), both to keep their parking record clean vs Luptons bad record, and to set up part two of her constant plan.

 

She would make sure that anyone visiting them couldn't use the driveway, and then insist that they parked in a way to infuriate Luptons, hopefully boxing their car in, or if possible, occupying the spot in front of his house if he was away. I'm sure I remember her saying that she had no idea whose car my dads car was, so's to further inconvenience Luptons.

 

I don't know where this weird feud sprang from, but I do recall that the high point was when "she" complained about the parking situation, and my mama (a gyppo) called "her" a gyppo, resulting in my grandad, a bandy little get with a pocket full of tenners and polo mints for his friends and family, and a serious little man syndrome for anyone else, sparking out "him". Then, my uncle ended up sparking out his opposite number of the Lupton clan, and then knocked out the Lupton bull terrier, when they set it on him.

[Nick James]

 

Everytime I open my door, he pops his head out and stands there staring until we move away. It's driving me mental.

 

 

You sure someone's not propped a mirror up against the wall?

Tremendous.

[tiger_rick]

When I was a kid we lived next door to a deaf couple. Every Friday night, without fail, they'd come back from the pub and stick the telly on at about three billion decibels. Then they'd have a massive row and a fight. The rows always sounded like a loud, sad episode of morph and when the guy would hit his missus she'd make these horrendous noises like she was inches from death.

 

That pailed in comparison to their male up sex though. Screams of "YETH, YETH, YETH" and what I presume was her orgasming but sounded like a wolf giving birth to an Elephant.

 

My Mam would go round and bang on their door but that was fucking pointless! They moved out after not too long. Joyfully.

 

Edit: Fucking hell. Just flicked up and saw Frankie's post. Snap.

[Sergio Mendacious]

So, who lived next door to blind newlyweds?

[Monkee]

When I was younger a family of 5 lived next door - mother, father, 2 older boys and a girl the same age as me. I thought they were a regular family, not rough or anything like that. But I didn't know at the time (I was probably only about 6) that the father had a drink/drugs problem and would regularly beat up the mother. She hid the bruises (and bite marks) but used to show my mum. He even raped her a few times.

 

Then, late one night, they had a blazing row. It was so bad that my mum said to my dad that they had to do something. So they went round the back of the house. When my mum looked in through the window she could see him strangling his wife. My mum and dad were hammering the back door trying to break it in but, little did they know, but the two boys had woken up, seen what was happening and had run to our front door for help. By the time my parents (and some other neighbours) managed to get in there he'd murdered her with the belt off her dressing gown.

[Callum1993]

Jesus Christ.

[The Clint]

I think there's one or two yarns being spun in this thread. Or at least I hope there is.

[tiger_rick]

Fucking hell, Monk, that's grim.

[Thunderplex]

Susan Andrews, 4th daughter of the Andrews Clan of Northenden. She lived round the corner from us and every day used to walk to the end of the road wearing her nighty, the back of which was always stuck in her dirty knickers bearing her big fat arse. Often used to have a fight with the post box on the way there. If I was off to work, I always greeted her with a "Morning Susan" to be replied with a grunted "Fuck off cunt".

 

Sadly no longer with us, but always brightened my mornings.

Susan Andrews, 4th daughter of the Andrews Clan of Northenden. She lived round the corner from us and every day used to walk to the end of the road wearing her nighty, the back of which was always stuck in her dirty knickers bearing her big fat arse. Often used to have a fight with the post box on the way there. If I was off to work, I always greeted her with a "Morning Susan" to be replied with a grunted "Fuck off cunt".

 

Sadly no longer with us, but always brightened my mornings.

[Your Fight Site]

I wish I knew my neighbours. I live in an apartment block and the only person I know is the lass opposite me as she usually ends up with any deliveries if I'm not in, and vice versa. She moved in a couple of years ago after Tim Healey moved out.

[Kaz Hayashi]

We made fake names for ours. John, or, John Parrott to the left... A proper big lad in his 40's with a Parrott called Bobby Robson. He tried to sell me a pair a slippers once. I'm glad he seemed to like me, put it that way.

 

Chris 'Super Mario' to the right, a Polish dude who I thought was Italian, he has an obsession with borrowing my sweeping brush. He also got really, really upset in front of me once as he admitted that he bought a piece of carpet, fitted it, but fucked the measurements up, so it was a foot short on all sides. He regularly brings me a bottle of imported Romanian 'homemade' wine, no additives and is bloody lovely. He's mint, but has no concept of social etiquette. He thinks nothing of knocking on the door after midnight to ask if I can look at his boiler for him... More than once.

 

My wife once lived in turnpike lane, it was interesting that McIntyres world did a special on a house with a torture chamber in the basement. She lived 2 doors away for 5 years.

[Jaffa]

He also got really, really upset in front of me once as he admitted that he bought a piece of carpet, fitted it, but fucked the measurements up, so it was a foot short on all sides.

This is my favourite story so far, just fantastically funny.

 

I'm in the same boat as Fight Site here. Apart from one neighbour that refused to accept that Whitney Houston had died, my neighbours have all been quiet, nice, normal people.