Tell me a joke

[GalaxyV.2]

I quit my job at the helium factory - i refuse to be spoken to in that tone

[Zebra Kid Mark]

I had a dream last night that I ate a giant marshmallow. I woke up and my pillow was gone.

[Frankie Crisp]

I went in to a shop yesterday and said to the girl behind the counter "Could I have a Kit Kat Chunky?". She came back and handed me a Kit Kat Chunky and I said "No, I want a normal Kit Kat you fat bitch".

[Devon Malcolm]

I joined a gym the other day. I told the bloke behind the counter that I wanted to learn how to do the splits.

 

"How flexible are you?"

 

"Well, I can't make Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[Jaffa]

I joined a gym the other day. I told the bloke behind the counter that I wanted to learn how to do the splits.

 

"How flexible are you?"

 

"Well, I can't make Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Tommy Cooper jokes never get old. I love this one:

 

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said

'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

... And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road'.

[Chris B]

Heisenburg is pulled over for speeding, and the cop asks "Excuse me, sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

 

Heisenburg replies "No, but I can tell you where I am."

[SteelEdge]

I joined a gym the other day. I told the bloke behind the counter that I wanted to learn how to do the splits.

 

"How flexible are you?"

 

"Well, I can't make Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Tommy Cooper jokes never get old. I love this one:

 

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said

'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

... And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road'.

 

Tim Vine

[Devon Malcolm]

Billy Joel is apparently a big fan of ferries. Yep, he's a P&O man.

[insert_name_here]

I went into a record shop the other day and said "Have you got anything by The Doors?" He said "Yeah mate, a fire blanket and a bucket of sand"

[spotlightmagnet1]

Didn't realise we could steal Stewart Francis jokes and claim them as our own. Here's a couple:

 

Doctor doctor, I've fallen in love with my duck. Whats wrong with me?

You're Quackers

 

Doctor doctor, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home.

Hmm, sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome

Is that rare?

It's not unusual

 

Lollipop men, they always make me cross

[Mr.Showtime]

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize? Because he was out standing in his field.

[silvera2006]

Courtesy of Jethro ( imo, works best with a cornish accent)...

 

So I was in bed with the wife the other night when there was knock at the door. I went and opened it, and standing there in the wind and the rain was Denzel, pissed as a mattress. He says " Jethro, give us a push?" I said " Theres no way youre driving in that state, the wind is howling, its pissing down, and its 3 in the morning." I shut the door and went back upstairs to bed.

 

My wife says to be " aw Jethro, you cant leave him out there in this weather, go and help him" So i get up, get my wellies on and my overcoat and hat, and go outside. I couldnt see him, so I shout " Denzel, where are you for this push"

 

" I'm over here on the swings..."

[rockbus]

I met Michael J Fox the other day in a garden centre. He couldn't chat for long though. He had to go back to the fuschias.

[SteelEdge]

I met Michael J Fox the other day in a garden centre. He couldn't chat for long though. He had to go back to the fuschias.

 

:laugh:

 

Here's another Jethro joke, my Mum is Cornish and has a live album of one of his stand-up shows. She was listening to it the other day and I found this one amusing...

 

I was walking through the farm when I saw Denzil on his hands and knees in a field kissing a cowpat. I went up to him and asked 'Denzil, what are you doing kissing that cowpat?'. He said 'Well you see, I've got terribly chapped lips'. I asked 'Oh, so does kissing a cowpat cure chapped lips then?', Denzil replied 'No, but it damn sure stops me licking them!'

[Barrington]

I came home late from work. My wife had been drinkng wine all evening so was feeling adventurous. I walked upstairs to change out of my work clothes and she followed me to the top of the landing.

"Baby, tonight I want to do role play"

"Oh really?" I replied

"Yes, we can act out any scene from any movie that you want" She said with a smile on her face.

Well her smile soon dropped when I stormed toward her and yelled "THIS IS SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs

 

I came home and my wife was unconscious on the floor. I decided I'd give her one anyway

As I was about to put it in she looked up and yelled "BOO!" the sick bitch