Tell me a joke

[air_raid]

What's blue and fucks grannies?

 

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Me in my blue mac.

 

 

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[Kenny McBride]

One that works in a Scottish accent...

 

Guy walks into a baker's and says " is that a cream cake or a meringue?"

 

The baker says "no, you're right enough. It's a cream cake."

[spotlightmagnet1]

Plenty more here:

 

http://ukff.com/index.php?showtopic=106453...0&start=300

 

But to keep you going:

 

Child: Mummy, where does poo come from?

 

Mother: Well, when we eat food, our tummys take all the good bits and leave the rest. The rest comes out of our bottoms as poo.

 

Child: What about Tigger?

[CleetusVanDamme]

A beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunning she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

 

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

 

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

 

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

 

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

 

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts shagging her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

 

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

[Super Cena]

Pedophiles are fucking immature arseholes.

[Hyperion]

Off colour shit ahoy.

 

A Black man, an Hispanic and a Jew walk into a bar.

 

The Bartender says

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Get the fuck out!

 

 

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Me: Knock Knock

 

Big Issue Seller: Who's There?

 

Me: Thought you didn't have a house!

 

 

 

(Oldie but a goodie)

Before his death in a Helicopter crash, Chelsea vice-chairman Matthew Harding was apparently going to move to work with Sheffield United.

In the last radio transmission picked up, Harding could be heard in the background, screaming "Come on, you Blades, come on, you blades"

[Philo_Vance]

Girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

 

 

 

 

So the barman gives her one.

[air_raid]

A couple that have been together a while go to see a therapist. The man begins :

 

"Doctor, we have continued to have a full and exciting sex life for many years. But it has to be said... the old girl, she isn't quite as tight as she used to be. Is there anything you can suggest?"

 

The doctor ponders for a second and asks :

 

"Have you considered, ahem, using the other hole?"

 

To which the gentleman replies "what, and risk getting her pregnant???"

[patiirc]

How does Stephen Hawking cum?

 

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Ctrl+V

 

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[BiffingtonClyro]

Here's one I made up.

 

What do you call an insect that works as a catwalk model.

 

SPOILER - Highlight the black box to read

Kate Moth!

 

[Stinky Dad]

I struggle to remember jokes these days but one that has stuck with me for years and never fails to get a giggle is......

 

 

What do George Michael and a pair of wellies have in common?........SPOILER - Highlight the black box to read

They both get sucked off in bogs!!

 

[Ravenhill Promotions]

Whats the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field

[air_raid]

Not a joke as such, but thought you might find these amusing nonetheless.

 

"Confessions of a GP" by Dr Benjamin Daniels

 

These are apparently genuine excerpts from medical school entrance exams.

 

1. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and cater-pillers.

2. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

3. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

4. For fainting: rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

5. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it back and forth.

6. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

7. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

8. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

9. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

10. For head colds: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

11. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

12. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

13. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

14. If the lady is sexually activated, you must do a pregnancy test.

 

Notes taken about patients :

 

1. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy- appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-sized thyroid. (Thyroid gland is in the neck!)

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation with Dr Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

30. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

31. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart has stopped, and he was feeling better.

32. Patient was released to out patient department without dressing.

33. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

34. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

35. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

[Dr.PeterVenkman]

One for anyone from Yorkshire!

 

How do you know when your sister's on her period?

 

Your dad's dick tastes funny

[Glen Quagmire]

Did you know that Justin Beiber has a ten inch cock? SPOILER - Highlight the black box to read

It's up his arse and it belongs to Usher!