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The Bad Touch

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When sharing a room I once woke up to my mate knocking one out. In his bed, not over me or anything. I pretended to still be asleep and said no more.

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i was on holiday with mate and his family back in 2001.

we were in the living room sleeping and woke up during the night to hear his dad getting a very sloppy handjob off his pregnant stepmother ...then his dad walked through the room, completely naked to wipe off his skin soldier...that was an awkward next morning

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A couple of years ago while I lived away at uni, my mate gave me a load of tapes to watch on my small, old, borken down, grey tele I took with me.

One night I was enjoying a DDP vs Goldberg match when it was crudely cut short by some of thee-stingiest-you've-ever-seen Channel 5 soft-core Friday night porn.

I remember the scene had 'Welcome to the jungle' playing over it as some brute ploughed into the back of some ageing blonde. Soft-core always left a little something to the imagination.

Needless to say I did the deed.

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Can't believe i never clocked this till now. It's a mixture of hilarity and depravity in morbidly equal measure with not much being left to the imagination in some cases !!

 

I think i must have been 14 when i first did the deed - infact going by some of the responses in here that makes me feel some sort of late bloomer. It would have been during school summer holidays when my old man was away on his annual army cadet camp. My mum never really watched any late night TV on her own and generally went to bed early even when she was on holiday and i would be allowed to stay up late having hoodwinked her with the old "can i hook he N64 up to the big TV downstairs" gimmick as justification to why i was up late. Back then it was all about VOX and RTL2 and the semi hard-core filth emanating from therein. I'd actually previously stumbled across them by accident one night - gods honest truth - as the old man had cancelled the SKY subs and i was looking for TNT which was still free on a tip of from someone at school who said you could get WCW on Friday evenings. So on popped the old PACE analogue box and the channel hopping begun. This became a weekly tradition every Friday night even when my dad was back as i'd just "stay up a bit to watch the wrestling" which never previously washed with him knowing fine well we didn't have SKY a quick flick onto TNT to prove him wrong and he never said anymore about it. At one stage i had it down to such a fine art i could figure out the VOX analogue teletext in german as it had a page for "Erotikk Spielen" or something to that effect which was basically a page dedicated to TV listings for the coming weeks smut. Friday and Saturday were obviously the main nights but there was generally something there every other night which was a winner on school holidays.

 

Once the technical side of things was mastered it was just a case of getting the logistics of the house figured out; what volume level on the TV was suitably loud enough to hear without arousing (boom boom!) suspicion. My folks bedroom was right above the TV room in what was a converted bungalow so you couldn't leave anything to chance. Particularly as someone who has an obsession bordering on OCD levels where by the volume on TV has to be an even number or a multiple of five this provided to be tricky. Not only that but there was also the conundrum of shutting the door fully thus to ensure even less chance of the sound traveling upstairs whilst at the same time jeapordising the chance of hearing anyone moving around or potentially coming down the stairs. Fortunately with the layout of the house there was no upstairs bathroom so if you heard movement or even the hint of footsteps you knew someone was 99% certain to come down stairs. I've heard other mates talk about similar scenarios in their house and not batting an eyelid as they were totally convinced each time the person was just going to go straight to the toilet for a piss and then go straight back to bed; only one thought crossed my mind when they said that - schoolboy error. Too many times growing up had i heard my dad get up and get medicine, make some food, sleeepwalk or just plainly kill time because he couldn't sleep so employing the "they wont bother coming into the room" tactic is asking for trouble. It was either coast is clear or defcon five; there was no middle ground here.

 

Once all those factors had been taken into consideration and threats nullified you could progress smoothly. Only common courtesy to leave everything as you found it and tidy up as appropriate. Also had to remember to switch back to a safe channel before powering off the satellite box and in addition - some of you will remember and relate to this i am sure - there was the sneaky fucker button on the PACE remote which allowed you switch back and forth between the last two channels watched which could ultimately be your undoing the next morning when the old boy was watching TV.

 

Incase you are thinking thats waaaaaay too much thought to be putting into something like that all i can say is the old cliche of 'fail to prepare, prepare to fail' as i almost got rumbled once by my mum. In my haste to get back to normality before she entered my bedroom i inadvertently caught cock full bore in the zip of my jeans. Harsh lesson well and truly learned.

 

My old uni flat mate just used to use wanking as an analogy with smackheads chasing the dragon . The first one is just amazing, mainly because you don't know what to expect, and you are left with a trying to rediscover that initial first time feeling, ultimately realising it's never going to happen but at the same time determined not to give up.

 

I can also relate to the guilt trip but nowhere near as bad as some people seem to get. Ditto for the people talking about seven cracks in one day being the magic number i seem to remember something similar except when it's past five you are basically running on fumes and left working with something resembling a white wallnut whip with a splurge that would barely fill a sachet of sauce you'd get at the chippy.

Edited by Stylin_and_Profilin

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Spare a thought for a mate of mine who spent his teenage years sharing a bedroom with his grandmother.

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Spare a thought for a mate of mine who spent his teenage years sharing a bedroom with his grandmother.

There must be people here who shared rooms with siblings as well. What's the deal in that situation, do you just do it in the shower (and thus only have imagination wanks)?

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Spare a thought for a mate of mine who spent his teenage years sharing a bedroom with his grandmother.

There must be people here who shared rooms with siblings as well. What's the deal in that situation, do you just do it in the shower (and thus only have imagination wanks)?

I can't speak up about sharing a room with siblings but as I'm not a massive porno fan a LOT of my wanks tend to be imagination wanks. Thankfully my imagination is fairly vivid and, over a lot of practice, has only gotten better.

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Spare a thought for a mate of mine who spent his teenage years sharing a bedroom with his grandmother.

There must be people here who shared rooms with siblings as well. What's the deal in that situation, do you just do it in the shower (and thus only have imagination wanks)?

 

A lad in school called Chinny, because he had a Jimmy Hill, shared a room with his sister when they were in their teens. Word around the campfire is that he was shagging her (well, word around the back of the school where we went to smoke) so he wouldn't have had need to wank.

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At one stage i had it down to such a fine art i could figure out the VOX analogue teletext in german as it had a page for "Erotikk Spielen" or something to that effect which was basically a page dedicated to TV listings for the coming weeks smut.

 

:laugh: Same here.

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I don't remember VOX showing that much smut, I thought it was mostly limited to Sat 1 and RTL. But yeah, a small knowledge of German was vital for that Friday or Saturday night spaff.

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You could just about make out the rutting - but it ruined your eyesight. Mind you, if you could see what was going on properly that would have happened anyway.

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Yeah, I remember FilmNet and Premiere's encryption being different to Sky's Videocrypt, and if you squinted really really hard, you could kind of see the shadow of the outline of it going in.

 

When you are 13, that's enough.

 

VOX showed their main erotic stuff at 12am on Saturday Nights, with Der Film Erotische, Liebe Sunde was Tuesdays or Thursdays on Pro Sieben, and RTL II was just fucking reliable. Especially how they show hardcore films and just take the "going in" parts out, like TVX and them do over here. I remember seeing an edited "Careless" starring Ona Zee and Tina Tyler on there.

 

Ahhhhhh.... Wankstalgia.

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I used to actually record the German Channels for a mate of mine who didn't have Sky at home. I'd dread to think what would have happened if i'd have had my bag confiscated as school or something.

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I had all the porn I wanted at school because whenever my mates got lent a tape, they gave it to me to make a copy since I had two VCRs and a scart lead. I always made myself a copy too.

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