Dr. Alan Grant’s Royal Rumble Adventures

[Dr. Alan Grant]

Annoyingly I already typed all this out once and it disappeared.

Another three Rumbles of middling quality. These noughties ones are a struggle to get through. I probably should have binged all the Canadian Stampedes and had a shorter yet amazing time instead.

2006

1. First Two Participants. HHH and Eddie Guerrero’s friend Rey Mysterio.

2. Groaners. Simon Dean, but he does come out on a Segway scooter and this absolutely needs to make a comeback. Give them to A-Town Down Under to make them passably interesting. An unmasked Psychosis, Jonathan Coachman, Sylvan, Joey Mercury, Johnny Nitro, Trevor Murdoch, Orlando Jordan, Eddie Guerrero’s nephew Chavo Guerrero, Chris Masters and Shelton Benjamin. Once again, it isn’t Shelton’s fault. But he came out with his mother and I don’t know what’s happening anymore.

3. Best Elimination. HBK with Sweet Chin Music to knock Shelton off the apron. 

4. Best Moment. Tatanka! The crowd does not care one bit at first, but they’re soon doing his hand chopping chant thing. 

5. Worst Moment. The ghost of Eddie Guerrero haunting the whole affair. I get that this is only a few months after his death, but the constant looking to the heavens and tribute spots was too much for me. 

6. Best Move. Eternally youthful Bobby Lashley with a lovely dominator to Kane. 

7. Biggest Pops. RVD and Shawn Michaels.

8. Funniest Moment. A purple clad Viscera dry humping Matt Hardy in the middle of the ring. I think I’m having a fever dream. 

9. Any Laying About? Rey Mysterio spends the majority of his one hour lying on his arse. Get up, Rey! It’s for Eddie! Everyone has a nap so Big Show and Lashley can have a special moment together and there’s a mass coma taking place when Chavo does his Eddie tribute.

10. Final Four. RVD, Triple H, Randy Orton and Rey Mysterio. 

11. Standout Performance. Not you, Rey. Lazy sod. I’m awarding it to Triple H’s magnificent facial hair. 

12. Final Rating. I liked that it came back down to Rey and HHH on several occasions after they cleared everyone else out. But I found the Eddie love-in a massive turn-off. 2/5
 

2007

1. First Two Participants. Ric Flair and Fit Finley. The Cocoon of Royal Rumble openings. 

2. Groaners. Kenny Dykstra, Tommy Dreamer, Gregory Helms (who without the Hurricane gimmick is a complete nothing), Johnny Nitro, Kevin Thorn (Kevin the vampire…Kevin), Chris Masters, Chavo Guerrero, MVP, The Great Khali and no doubt making his first of many, many appearances on the groaners list, The Miz.

3. Best Elimination. Kane chokeslams Sabu through a table on the outside.

4. Best Moment. Everything that happens when we get down to the final four. RKOs, spears, Sweet Chin Music, blood and a mini match between HBK and The Undertaker. It’s fantastic.

5. Worst Moment. Sandman comes out through the crowd to a big reaction, but he gets thrown out by King Bookah very shortly after. What a waste.

6. Best Move. Shawn Michaels with a Sweet Chin Music to Edge over the top rope.

7. Biggest Pops. Jeff Hardy, Sandman, RVD, Undertaker and MONSTER POP for Shawn Michaels.

8. Funniest Moment. The Great Khali’s abysmal chops and headbutts.

9. Any Laying About? Only when Khali and Taker square off. But I’ll allow it as Khali has knocked everyone else to the ground prior.

10. Final Four. Undertaker, Randy Orton, Edge and Shawn Michaels. Awesome.

11. Standout Performance. A joint winner in Shawn Michaels and Undertaker for their final two “match”. 

 

 

12. Final Rating. Saved from being a dud by the last four guys. That alone was worth watching it for. 3/5
 

2008

1. First Two Participants. Undertaker and Shawn Michaels. Very clever starting with these two.

2. Groaners. Santino Marella, The Great Khali, John Morrison (no matter his name, he’s always crap), Tommy Dreamer, Hornswoggle, bland Chuck Palumbo, bald Snitsky, The Miz, Chavo Guerrero and Elijah Burke. 

3. Best Elimination. A few decent ones here. A Samoan spike from Umaga to Hardcore Holly, another Sweet Chin Music to Shelton Benjamin and an FU/Attitude Adjustment to Triple H. 

4. Best Moment. Roddy Piper in terrible shape but it doesn’t matter. It’s Roddy Fucking Piper. 

5. Worst Moment. A 6 man commentary team. 6! Jim Ross, Michael Cole, Tazz, Joey Styles, Jerry Lawler and Jonathan Coachman. The absolute pits. 

6. Best Move. Gotta give it to Cena’s FU on Triple H.

7. Biggest Pops. Batista, Roddy Piper, Mick Foley, Triple H and an all timer for John Cena. 

8. Funniest Moment. Superfly Jimmy Snuka (or to give him his WrestleMe name, Murderfly Jimmy Violence) showing up and looking like someone’s nan. 

9. Any Laying About? A wee bit for super Cena to have his moment in the spotlight. 

10. Final Four. Batista, John Cena, Kane, and Triple H. Four actors of differing qualities.

11. Standout Performance. The return of the lovely Madison Square Garden arena. It was just missing a massive yellow cab stuck in the wall.

12. Final Rating. I love the short entranceway and the all too brief Piper/Snuka spot. Cena’s return, which we’ve all seen a million times, is still great. 3/5

The ranking so far.

1. 1992 - That’s Not Fair To Flair (5/5)

2. 2000 - Too Cool Dances At MSG (5/5)

3. 1990 - Hogan/Warrior “Nobody Moves!” (4.5/5)

4. 2002 - Undertaker Eats Popcorn (4.5/5)

5. 1997 - Stone Cold’s Invisible Watch (4/5)

6. 2001 - The Return Of Honky Tonk (4/5)

7. 1989 - Hogan Is A Dirty Cheating Bastard (3.5/5)

8. 1998 - Rise Of Rocky (3/5)

9. 1993 - Mr. Backlund (3/5)

10. 1991 - Dino Bravo At Number Two (3/5)

11. 2007 - Undertaker/HBK Epic (3/5)

12. 2008 - Your Nan Looks Like Jimmy Snuka (3/5)

13. 1988 - Nikolai Volkoff Is Too Early (3/5)

14. 1994 - Big Daddy Cool (2.5/5)

15. 1999 - Vince McMahon: Rumble Winner (2.5/5)

16. 2005 - Double Quad Explosion (2.5/5)

17. 2004 - Nunzio For Hall Of Fame (2.5/5)

18. 2006 - The Ghost Of Eddie Guerrero (2/5)

19. 2003 - Bork Laser (2/5)

20. 1996 - Squat Team (2/5)

21. 1995 - British Bulldog Clearly Won (1/5)

I’m starting to think I should have started with this year’s Rumble and worked backwards. I worry I’ve watched all the good ones now and there’s nothing but dreck on the horizon.

[Dr. Alan Grant]

?Woah, woah, it’s RumbleMania, fighting to stay awake.?

Holy Christ, these Rumbles from around the mid 00s into the early 10s are rough. The same people showing up time and time again. Oh look, here’s The Miz and Rey Mysterio and John Morrison and Shelton Benjamin again again again. It’s so hard to distinguish these years from one another and there’s some truly atrocious people on the rosters. 2002 might be the last great Rumble. Everything after may well fall into either the category of trainwreck or “it was fine I suppose”.

With that positive opening out of the way, on with the show!

2009

1. First Two Participants. Making their Rumble debuts, Rey Mysterio and John Morrison. Just kidding, this is their 47th in a row.

2. Groaners. John Morrison, MVP, The Great Khali, Vladimir Koslov, JTG, Ted DiBiase Jr, Chris Jericho with short hair and trunks, Mike Knox whoever he is, The Miz, Kofi Kingston, The Brian Kendrick, Dolph Ziggler and Santino Marella. Nearly half.

3. Best Elimination. Big Show hoists R-Truth over his head and plops him out. 

4. Best Moment. Such is the blandness on display here, the high point was a brief glimpse of Tony Atlas accompanying Mark Henry. Then he went backstage to presumably sniff some feet.

5. Worst Moment. Two glaring atrocities here. Firstly, everyone skins the cat. JTG, Rey, John Morrison multiple times, Punk, even Big Show. Look what you’ve done, Shawn. You screwed Bulldog and now everyone wants to do your silly cheating move. Secondly, there’s an awful lot of plain black trunks on display. Hard to tell who’s who at times. 

6. Best Move. There’s some lovely RKOs, but Rey Mysterio’s baseball slide into Ted DiBiase’s cock and balls can’t be beaten. 

7. Biggest Pops. Triple H, Undertaker, CM Punk (who came out to some awful song I’m not familiar with) and a returning RVD.

8. Funniest Moment. Chris Jericho’s face when he gradually realises there’s someone stood behind him. 

9. Any Laying About? Quite a bit in the first third, but then it settles down into nonstop brawling.

10. Final Four. Triple H, Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase Jr. 

11. Standout Performance. Nothing to shout about I’m afraid.

12. Final Rating. This one is utterly forgettable. Too many shitarses and unless you’re a big fan of the spawn of the Million Dollar Man getting hit in the plums, there’s nothing here for you. 1.5/5

 

2010

1. First Two Participants. Dolph Ziggler and Evan Bourne. It took a lot of conviction not to switch it off right then and there.

2. Groaners. Dolph Ziggler, Evan Bourne, JTG, The Great Khali, Zack Ryder, Drew McIntyre before he was a sexy, bearded man’s man, Ted DiBiase Jr, John Morrison and Cody Rhodes. I gave him a pass in 2009 because I like Cody now. But he’s rubbish at this time. No kneepads either, the fool. MVP, The Miz, Yoshi Tatsu, Chris Masters, Jack Swagger, Kofi Kingston and Chris Jericho still rocking the awful short hair. 16 of them stinking up the joint.

3. Best Elimination. Beth Phoenix kisses The Great Khali over the top. 

4. Best Moment. A rather dashing CM Punk with long hair cuts four promos during his stint. Just a nice cycle of promo, eliminate someone, promo etc. 

5. Worst Moment. Matt Striker on commentary. He’s bad here. He’s even worse next year.

6. Best Move. Mark Henry with a World’s Strongest Slam on Big Show. 

7. Biggest Pops. CM Punk, John Cena, Shawn Michaels and a returning Edge.

8. Funniest Moment. Shawn Michaels’ sad face when he gets eliminated.

9. Any Laying About? Very minimal in this one. 

10. Final Four. For the first time ever, there’s only 3 left when number 30 hits the ring to make the foursome complete. Batista, John Cena, Edge and Shawn Michaels. 

11. Standout Performance. CM Punk. He’s not in it for long, but he makes an impression. The handsome devil.

12. Final Rating. Outside of Punk’s bits and the drama of HBK needing to win, there’s very little going on here. 2.5/5 and it’s all for Punk.
 

2011

1. First Two Participants. CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. Yes please.

2. Groaners. Is there a character limit on posts? I may go over here. It’s a 40 man Rumble, so obviously they’ve filled it with even more goons than normal. Say hello to Justin Gabriel, Zack Ryder, Ted DiBiase Jr, John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, Husky Harris, Chavo Guerrero, JTG, Michael McGillicutty, Chris Masters, David Otunga, Tyler Reks, Vladimir Koslov, The Great Khali, Mason Ryan, Hornswoggle, Tyson Kidd, Heath Slater, Kofi Kingston, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, Alex Riley, Ezekiel Jackson, Santino Marella, Alberto Del Rio and the number 40 spot to potentially save this Rumble from being an all time shitfest is…Kane. Get on the list. 

3. Best Elimination. Cena adjusts CM Punk’s attitude and lobs him over.

4. Best Moment. A fiery and intense John Cena eliminates three members of the New Nexus and he’s left with their leader CM Punk. The crowd goes berserk. It’s electric. These two have to have another match before Cena buggers off for good.

 

5. Worst Moment. There’s not just one. Matt Striker once again. “I’m marking out, bro!” when Booker T makes a surprise appearance. The anonymous GM at the start of the match. Then when The Miz joins the desk, the commentary completely falls off a cliff. They’re all talking over one another and arguing. It’s a mess. And heel Michael Cole is hideous to listen to.

6. Best Move. Hornswoggle with an AA to Tyson Kid.

7. Biggest Pops. Booker T, John Cena and Big Daddy Cool Diesel.

8. Funniest Moment. Now I’ve already mentioned the crowd reaction to Punk and Cena. Proper “the roof is about to come off this place!” atmosphere. Well, they tried it again later on with Cena and Orton. The crowd did not give one solitary shit. Just pure apathy. Hilarious. And then during the final four, they try it again! Looking at each other, looking out to the crowd to get a reaction. Nothing. Anyone wanting these two to ever face each other again should be jailed. 

9. Any Laying About? For Cena and Orton to have their rubbish staredown

10. Final Four. Wade Barrett, Randy Orton, John Cena and Alberto Del Rio. 

11. Standout Performance. CM Punk. It’s all downhill once he’s gone.

12. Final Rating. Too many people. Del Rio wins for crying out loud. 1.5/5 despite Punk and Cena being awesome. 

 

The ranking so far.

1. 1992 - That’s Not Fair To Flair (5/5)

2. 2000 - Too Cool Dances At MSG (5/5)

3. 1990 - Hogan/Warrior “Nobody Moves!” (4.5/5)

4. 2002 - Undertaker Eats Popcorn (4.5/5)

5. 1997 - Stone Cold’s Invisible Watch (4/5)

6. 2001 - The Return Of Honky Tonk (4/5)

7. 1989 - Hogan Is A Dirty Cheating Bastard (3.5/5)

8. 1998 - Rise Of Rocky (3/5)

9. 1993 - Mr. Backlund (3/5)

10. 1991 - Dino Bravo At Number Two (3/5)

11. 2007 - Undertaker/HBK Epic (3/5)

12. 2008 - Your Nan Looks Like Jimmy Snuka (3/5)

13. 1988 - Nikolai Volkoff Is Too Early (3/5)

14. 1994 - Big Daddy Cool (2.5/5)

15. 1999 - Vince McMahon: Rumble Winner (2.5/5)

16. 2005 - Double Quad Explosion (2.5/5)

17. 2004 - Nunzio For Hall Of Fame (2.5/5)

18. 2010 - Sad Heartbreak Kid (2.5/5)

19. 2006 - The Ghost Of Eddie Guerrero (2/5)

20. 2003 - Bork Laser (2/5)

21. 1996 - Squat Team (2/5)

22. 2011 - 39 Other Options And They Went With Del Rio (1.5/5)

23. 2009 - Black Trunks For Everyone 1.5/5

24. 1995 - British Bulldog Clearly Won (1/5)

Around 25-30 Rumbles to go. That’s a lot of Miz and Kofi.

[air_raid]

On 4/18/2025 at 8:47 PM, Dr. Alan Grant said:

10. Final Four. Wade Barrett, Randy Orton, John Cena and Alberto Del Rio.

(Ahem)

[Dr. Alan Grant]

Only 1 Rumble this time. I feel it deserves its own separate post due to being The Worst Royal Rumble So Far. 

2012

1. First Two Participants. The Miz and Alex Riley. Start as you mean to go on, 2011. You crushing disappointment.

2. Groaners. The Miz, Alex Riley and R-Truth. Truth hasn’t been a groaner previously because of the goodwill he has built up by still being funny today. But by god, I don’t want to see him in the ring. Ever. Cody Rhodes, Justin Gabriel, Primo, Ricardo Rodriguez, Santino Marella, Epico, Kofi Kingston, Ezekiel Jackson, Jinder Mahal, The Great Khali, Hunico and now here comes Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero in tow to really sour my mood). At this point, I’m starting to wonder whether professional wrestling as a concept was a mistake. Road Dogg, a face painted no yeet Jey Uso, Michael Cole, Jack Swagger and David Otunga. 

3. Best Elimination. Sheamus brogue kicking Jericho at the end.

4. Best Moment. I got nothing. 

5. Worst Moment. The whole thing collectively. 

6. Best Move. Pass.

7. Biggest Pops. Mick Foley, Jerry Lawler, Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Booker T. The only two full time roster members who get decent reactions are Sheamus and Randy Orton. 

8. Funniest Moment. When R-Truth gets eliminated, he pulls The Miz out under the bottom rope. Michael Cole informs us, cause we’re all fucking stupid, that he hasn’t been eliminated. Jerry Lawler chirps up, “yeah, we know, we know.” Thank you Jerry for voicing my annoyance. This is the 25th Royal Rumble, Cole! We know how it works! 

9. Any Laying About? I was too busy scrawling these angry notes down to notice.

10. Final Four. Sheamus, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and a surprisingly mobile Big Show.

11. Standout Performance. Such is my utter disdain for this steaming turd of a match, my standout performance goes not to a wrestler, but to Kurtwood Smith for his portrayal of Clarence Boddicker in Robocop. 

12. Final Rating. 1/5. The absolute pits. I’d take a 30 man Rumble of nothing but a conveyor belt of Squat Team clones over this. What a waste of everyone’s time

 

The ranking so far.

1. 1992 - That’s Not Fair To Flair (5/5)

2. 2000 - Too Cool Dances At MSG (5/5)

3. 1990 - Hogan/Warrior “Nobody Moves!” (4.5/5)

4. 2002 - Undertaker Eats Popcorn (4.5/5)

5. 1997 - Stone Cold’s Invisible Watch (4/5)

6. 2001 - The Return Of Honky Tonk (4/5)

7. 1989 - Hogan Is A Dirty Cheating Bastard (3.5/5)

8. 1998 - Rise Of Rocky (3/5)

9. 1993 - Mr. Backlund (3/5)

10. 1991 - Dino Bravo At Number Two (3/5)

11. 2007 - Undertaker/HBK Epic (3/5)

12. 2008 - Your Nan Looks Like Jimmy Snuka (3/5)

13. 1988 - Nikolai Volkoff Is Too Early (3/5)

14. 1994 - Big Daddy Cool (2.5/5)

15. 1999 - Vince McMahon: Rumble Winner (2.5/5)

16. 2005 - Double Quad Explosion (2.5/5)

17. 2004 - Nunzio For Hall Of Fame (2.5/5)

18. 2010 - Sad Heartbreak Kid (2.5/5)

19. 2006 - The Ghost Of Eddie Guerrero (2/5)

20. 2003 - Bork Laser (2/5)

21. 1996 - Squat Team (2/5)

22. 2011 - 39 Other Options And They Went With Del Rio (1.5/5)

23. 2009 - Black Trunks For Everyone 1.5/5

24. 1995 - British Bulldog Clearly Won (1/5)

25. 2012 - Thanks For Nothing, Pat Patterson (1/5)

[Dr. Alan Grant]

11 minutes ago, air_raid said:

(Ahem)

Quite right! But I can’t stand him, so I’m not editing my post to correct my mistake. 

[Chili]

Yep that Royal Rumble 2012 was absolutely shocking. It's impressive they put a Rumble out that was somehow worse than 1995 or that any fan legend telling of that being a very bad rumble match. But 2012 somehow handled that. 

[air_raid]

2 minutes ago, Chili said:

Yep that Royal Rumble 2012 was absolutely shocking. It's impressive they put a Rumble out that was somehow worse than 1995 or that any fan legend telling of that being a very bad rumble match. But 2012 somehow handled that. 

2012 was dogshit, yes. It looked at the lack of stars in 1998 to the point they had Honky and Mick Foley taking 4 spots between them, and said "hold my beer" as the kids would say.

Doesn't help that Kane couldn't be fucked to be in it due to wrestling Cena on the undercard (who cares??) and Cena wasn't it because he was already pencilled in for Dwayne. Leaving only 2 realistic potential winners.

[Chili]

4 minutes ago, air_raid said:

2012 was dogshit, yes. It looked at the lack of stars in 1998 to the point they had Honky and Mick Foley taking 4 spots between them, and said "hold my beer" as the kids would say.

Doesn't help that Kane couldn't be fucked to be in it due to wrestling Cena on the undercard (who cares??) and Cena wasn't it because he was already pencilled in for Dwayne. Leaving only 2 realistic potential winners.

Imagine the 98 Rumble still has Honky and Three Foley's but then Jerry Lawler gets a cameo, and Ivan Putski (in the timeframe gap entrance that Road Dogg had), then I don't know, Tito Santana rips off his suit at the Spanish announce desk for a look in. God 2012 was really bad. Boring or too many comedy spots that didn't land.

[Dr. Alan Grant]

It feels like the end is in sight, but then I remember that 2013 is 12 years ago and I have women’s Rumbles to get through too before I’m done. Super.

 

2013

1. First Two Participants. Dolph Ziggler and Chris Jericho. To hell with everything.

2. Groaners. Dolph Ziggler, Chris Jericho and Cody Rhodes. Cody at least has a moustache which makes him slightly more interesting than in previous years. I’d like to see the return of the ‘tache, preferably dyed blonde. “So….what do you want to talk about?” Your moustache, mate. It’s epic. Kofi Kingston, who faced off with Ziggler. Interesting pairing. I wonder if they’ve ever had a match against one another. Santino Marella, Drew McIntyre in his 3MB phase and Titus O’Neill. Did Titus officially retire? I’m sure he’s still there as an ambassador of sorts, but his career (undistinguished though it was) just sort of fizzled out. David Otunga, Heath Slater, Tensai, Brodus Clay, Darren Young, Bo Dallas, The Great Khali, Zack Ryder, Jinder Mahal, The Miz and Sin Cara. Useless feckers. 

3. Best Elimination. Cena eliminates Cody with an AA. Then 12 years later hits him in the balls for effect. 

4. Best Moment. There wasn’t one. 

5. Worst Moment. JBL is on commentary. He’s abysmal. There’s a moment in the match where Kane catches Daniel Bryan and stops him from hitting the floor, but fails when he tries to put him back in the ring. Here’s a transcript of the commentary that follows.

Michael Cole - I guess you could call Kane the goat in this match. At least from Daniel Bryan’s point of view.

JBL - Why call Kane a goat?

Cole - It was a sports reference, John. I know you don’t watch much of it.

JBL - Kane’s a goat?

Cole - You know, a guy blows something and he’s called the goat, just like he blew it for Daniel Bryan. I mean, hello!

JBL - Kane would be the goat, you moron.

Cole - THAT’S WHAT I SAID!

JBL - No, you said Kane…

Thankfully the buzzer goes off and we’re saved from any further confusion. 

Later, JBL answers a question that Cole posed to Jerry Lawler. When Cole said he wasn’t talking to him, JBL’s response was…

”I know his name is King and when he asked you a question a second ago, you stood there like typical, throwing frisbees over your head like some guy sitting down. Please, I’m talking.”

I have no idea what’s happening.

6. Best Move. Theres a nice brogue kick to David Otunga.

7. Biggest Pops. Chris Jericho making another one of his lackluster returns. Goldust, The Godfather, Sheamus and Randy Orton all get good reactions. 

8. Funniest Moment. Daniel Bryan in Kane’s arms.

9. Any Laying About? Siesta time for everyone so that Cody and Goldust can have a reunion. And Randy gets the “lie down, then attack him one at a time” treatment. 

10. Final Four. John Cena, Ryback, Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus.

11. Standout Performance. My man Ryback. I unashamedly liked Ryback for quite a while. 

12. Final Rating. It’s a shade better than 2012’s hot mess of an offering. Only just though. It’s still crap. 1.5/5

 

2014

1. First Two Participants. A dreadful looking CM Punk and Seth Rollins before he became insufferable.

2. Groaners. Cody Rhodes, still boring. Corporate Kane, Jack Swagger, Kofi Kingston, Jimmy Uso with face paint, Dolph Ziggler, R-Truth, The Great Khali, The Miz, Antonio Cesaro, still no yeet Jey Uso, JBL and Alberto Del Rio.

3. Best Elimination. Kofi tries to hit Trouble In Paradise on Roman Reigns, who catches him and just lobs him over his head. 

4. Best Moment. Sheamus taking on the entire SHIELD. 

5. Worst Moment. The incessant barrage of Royal Rumble stats provided by JBL. I’m sure they did it in previous years, but this was the first time I really noticed how pervasive it was. “John Cena entered at this position one year and he won it!” Thats all well and good, JBL, but you’re talking about Fandango. Get a grip. Every single entrant gets stats about what the did in previous years, who else has come out to this position before, etc etc. 

6. Best Move. Roman Reigns makes his entrance, runs down to the side of the ring and hits the drive-by on CM Punk. 

7. Biggest Pops. Kevin Nash and Batista. Sheamus gets an unbelievably big pop. 

8. Funniest Moment. After number 29 enters, the crowd slowly begin to chant for Daniel Bryan. Then come the YES chants. The countdown hits and here comes…Rey Mysterio. BOOOOOOOOO! Poor bugger. The crowd even boos the 619 and they cheer when he’s eliminated.

9. Any Laying About? Weirdly, Roman Reigns sat down on the bottom rope for a few minutes. Haven’t a clue what he was doing.

10. Final Four. CM Punk, Roman Reigns, Sheamus and Batista. 

11. Standout Performance. Roman Reigns gets the ‘Diesel in ‘94’ award. Comes out to little reaction, but over the course of the Rumble, the crowd gets behind him and he looks like a boss.

12. Final Rating. The roster has been bolstered by some NXT folks like the Wyatts, The Shield and Rusev and it’s all the better for it. The ending is pants though. JBL might be the worst commentator of all time. 2/5
 

2015

1. First Two Participants. The Miz and R-Truth. Gee, thanks.

2. Groaners. The Miz, R-Truth, Curtis Axel, Sin Cara, Zack Ryder, Fandango without his catchy music, Tyson Kidd and Kofi Kingston. This is early New Day Kofi, still wearing the baby blue. This might be the last time he’s a groaner, as fun New Day should be in full swing for 2016. Jack Swagger, Corporate Kane, Titus O’Neill, twat siren Cesaro and Dolph Ziggler.

3. Best Elimination. It’s a stretch to call them “best” but Big Show and Kane teaming up to dump out the lifeless bodies of Ziggler and Bray Wyatt is wonderfully shit and funny. 

4. Best Moment. 

5. Worst Moment. This made me sad.

 

Elsewhere, JBL is back with his tedious numbers. “One Man Gang eliminated 6 people in the first Royal Rumble!” Great. Why are you telling us? Lunatic Fringe Dean Ambrose shows up with bad hair and a t-shirt that says “Unstable”. At the time, I liked Ambrose. With hindsight and seeing some of the better stuff he’s done in AEW (not you, Death Riders), I fear he may have been awful as Ambrose all along.

6. Best Move. A Bubba Ray Dudley/R-Truth 3D to Miz. We’re also treated to a trio of wonderful Diamond Cutters from DDP. 

7. Biggest Pops. Bubba Ray Dudley and Daniel Bryan. Once again, I popped for someone the crowd didn’t care for. Stardust. I love him. I’d welcome a mini return when Cody is close to retirement.

8. Funniest Moment. Once Daniel Bryan is eliminated, the crowd shits over everything. Boos, chants for Bryan and Punk (who’s left WWE by this point).

9. Any Laying About? Just once, for Cesaro to do his big swing on Ziggler.

10. Final Four. Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, Kane and Big Show. 

Just kidding Air Raid, it’s a sneaky Rusev instead of Ambrose. I do pay attention on occasion. 

11. Standout Performance. The crowd for rightfully hating on it. 

12. Final Rating. It’s all downhill when Daniel Bryan is gone. Not even The Rock can save it. “Bullshit” says the crowd. Indeed. 1.5/5

 

The ranking so far.

1. 1992 - That’s Not Fair To Flair (5/5)

2. 2000 - Too Cool Dances At MSG (5/5)

3. 1990 - Hogan/Warrior “Nobody Moves!” (4.5/5)

4. 2002 - Undertaker Eats Popcorn (4.5/5)

5. 1997 - Stone Cold’s Invisible Watch (4/5)

6. 2001 - The Return Of Honky Tonk (4/5)

7. 1989 - Hogan Is A Dirty Cheating Bastard (3.5/5)

8. 1998 - Rise Of Rocky (3/5)

9. 1993 - Mr. Backlund (3/5)

10. 1991 - Dino Bravo At Number Two (3/5)

11. 2007 - Undertaker/HBK Epic (3/5)

12. 2008 - Your Nan Looks Like Jimmy Snuka (3/5)

13. 1988 - Nikolai Volkoff Is Too Early (3/5)

14. 1994 - Big Daddy Cool (2.5/5)

15. 1999 - Vince McMahon: Rumble Winner (2.5/5)

16. 2005 - Double Quad Explosion (2.5/5)

17. 2004 - Nunzio For Hall Of Fame (2.5/5)

18. 2010 - Sad Heartbreak Kid (2.5/5)

19. 2006 - The Ghost Of Eddie Guerrero (2/5)

20. 2003 - Bork Laser (2/5)

21. 2014 - Booooo, Rey Mysterio! BOOOO!  (2/5)

22. 1996 - Squat Team (2/5)

23. 2011 - 39 Other Options And They Went With Del Rio (1.5/5)

24. 2009 - Black Trunks For Everyone (1.5/5)

25. 2015 - Dean Ambrose is insane, his shirt says so. (1.5/5) 

26. 2013 - Cody Rhodes, Moustache Man (1.5/5)

27. 1995 - British Bulldog Clearly Won (1/5)

28. 2012 - Thanks For Nothing, Pat Patterson (1/5)

 

 

[Dr. Alan Grant]

I feel very close to the end now, so I’m just going to plow through them all quickly before embarking on my next pointless endeavour. 

2016

1. First Two Participants. A very heavily booed Roman Reigns and Rusev.

2. Groaners. Curtis Axel, representing the Social Outcasts. I have no memory of this group whatsoever. Chris Jericho, Titus O’Neill, R-Truth and Big Show. I think this is the first time Show has been a groaner. I’ve been kind to him so far because I’ve always liked the big lug. But here his knees look like Twiglets and I can’t spare him any longer. Jack Swagger, The Miz, Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler, which must surely be the worst four names ever typed in succession. 

3. Best Elimination. Adrian Neville gets clotheslined on the apron by Luke Harper and slumps onto the floor, presumably dead.

4. Best Moment. A Brock Lesnar/Wyatt Family spot. I don’t recall if it ever actually went anywhere after that. 

5. Worst Moment. Michael Cole referring to Dean Ambrose’s awful second rope bounce back clothesline move as the “wackyline.” 

6. Best Move. Braun Strowman slams Mark Henry with ease.

7. Biggest Pops. Chris Jericho, Brock Lesnar and AJ Styles. Almost ruined by Cole’s “is it…can it be?” call.

8. Funniest Moment. R-Truth makes his entrance and sets up a ladder in the middle of the ring to grab a belt that isn’t there. 

9. Any Laying About? For Triple H to make his 4 hour entrance and have a stare down with Roman. 

10. Final Four. Triple H, Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns and Sheamus. Ambrose looks tiny next to HHH. 

11. Standout Performance. Braun Strowman. Eliminates Kane, Big Show and slams Mark Henry like he’s a bag of marshmallows. 

12. Final Rating. Ehh, it’s fine. An injured Roman disappearing and reappearing didn’t make him look as impressive as they hoped it would. Lesnar having a brief moment with the Wyatt’s was good, as was AJ’s debut. But really, it’s just fine. 2/5

 

2017

1. First Two Participants. Big Cass (with Enzo) and Chris Jericho. By god, those guys were over. 

2. Groaners. Chris Jericho, Mojo Rawley, Tye Dillinger, The Miz, twat siren Cesaro, Apollo Crews and Dolph Ziggler. 

3. Best Elimination. Braun Strowman throws Kalisto halfway down the aisle and also kills James Ellsworth. 

4. Best Moment. Mark Henry throws out umbrella wielding wrong-un Jack Gallagher.

5. Worst Moment. The umbrella wielding of the very same Gallagher. 

6. Best Move. Goldberg with a jackhammer on Sami Zayn. 

7. Biggest Pops. Mark Henry, Brock Lesnar, Goldberg and Undertaker. Just the part timers.

8. Funniest Moment. Seeing James Ellsworth. I’d forgotten all about him and he put a smile on my face. 

9. Any Laying About? Bloody loads. It seems about a third of the match has them all on their arses. When Mark Henry enters, they’re all down. They’re down again when Sheamus enters so he can get his spots in. Then when Enzo Amore arrives, everyone but Lesnar is flat on their backs. 

10. Final Four. Roman Reigns, Randy Orton, Chris Jericho and Bray Wyatt. 

11. Standout Performance. I’m giving it to Chris Jericho. He was in it for an hour and did nothing of note. To spend that amount of time in a Rumble and accomplish zero is an achievement in itself. A standout in mediocrity. 

12. Final Rating. There was nothing interesting to speak of until Goldberg and Taker showed up. A very boring Rumble. 1.5/5
 

2018 Men’s

1. First Two Participants. Rusev Daaaaaaaay and Finn Balor when he wasn’t a waste of a pay check. 

2. Groaners. Heath Slater, Apollo Crews, twat siren Cesaro, Jinder Mahal, Titus O’Neill, The Miz and Dolph Ziggler. 

3. Best Elimination. Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins team up to Shield powerbomb The Miz into the waiting arms of The Miztourage. 

4. Best Moment. No.

5. Worst Moment. Kofi Kingston escapes elimination by having one foot on a plate of pancakes. 

6. Best Move. Andrade bounces off the top rope to be greeted by a lovely RKO outta nowhere.

7. Biggest Pops. Andrade, John Cena, Adam Cole (urgh) and Rey Mysterio. 

8. Funniest Moment. Roman Reigns kicks Shinsuke Nakamura out of the way so that he can get right into the corner to do his “oooooh ahhhh” taunt. 

9. Any Laying About? Only a little this time. Finn Balor and Rusev both take a five minute sabbatical on the outside to rest their weary bones. 

10. Final Four. Finn Balor, Roman Reigns, Shinsuke Nakamura and John Cena. 

11. Standout Performance. No. Finn is in for ages, but doesn’t make an impact. The eventual winner (spoiler alert, it’s Nakamura) also does nothing until the very end. Nobody wins. 

12. Final Rating. It’s not boring by any means. But nothing memorable happens either. 2/5

 

2018 Women’s

1. First Two Participants. Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch in her steampunk goggles phase. 

2. Groaners. As it’s the first women’s Rumble, I’m going to be lenient and not judge anyone too harshly. Normal groaner service will resume for 2019. That being said, Sarah Logan, Tamina and Vickie Guerrero are eternally shit. 

3. Best Elimination. Lita pulls down the top rope and Tamina ever so gracefully plummets over it. It’s spectacularly bad and therefore the best. 

4. Best Moment. Nia Jax dominance. I’m a Nia Jax fan. Let it be known.

5. Worst Moment. It’s Kairi Sane! “She loves boating. Hence her yacht persona.”   

6. Best Move. Yacht enthusiast Kairi Sane delivers a superb insane elbow.

7. Biggest Pops. Lita, Torrie Wilson, Molly Holly, Asuka, Nikki Bella, Brie Bella (Brie Moooooode) and Trish Stratus. Annoyingly, Lita has already been eliminated by the time Trish arrives. Why would you not want these two to meet?

8. Funniest Moment. Naomi channels her inner Kofi and uses a chair to escape elimination. She jumps at Nia who immediately throws her out. Thank you Nia. My hero. 

9. Any Laying About? Both Becky and Sasha disappear for minutes at a time on a few occasions. 

10. Final Four. Sasha Banks, Asuka and the Bella twins. Jesus.

11. Standout Performance. Carmella. Moonwalking, taunting Nikki Bella with a “you can’t see me”, screaming like a banshee when she nearly gets eliminated. I’d be down for a Carmella return. 

12. Final Rating. The final two ended up fighting on the ring apron. I’m probably wrong, but in my head every women’s Rumble has finished this way. So I’ll be keeping an eye out for that in future. It’s a pretty sloppy Rumble, but seeing some faces not seen for many years makes it stand out. It was better than the men’s offering. 3/5. Oh, and Ronda Rousey shows up at the end to awkwardly point at the WrestleMania sign for what seems like an hour. 

 

The ranking so far.

1. 1992 - That’s Not Fair To Flair (5/5)

2. 2000 - Too Cool Dances At MSG (5/5)

3. 1990 - Hogan/Warrior “Nobody Moves!” (4.5/5)

4. 2002 - Undertaker Eats Popcorn (4.5/5)

5. 1997 - Stone Cold’s Invisible Watch (4/5)

6. 2001 - The Return Of Honky Tonk (4/5)

7. 1989 - Hogan Is A Dirty Cheating Bastard (3.5/5)

8. 1998 - Rise Of Rocky (3/5)

9. 1993 - Mr. Backlund (3/5)

10. 1991 - Dino Bravo At Number Two (3/5)

11. 2007 - Undertaker/HBK Epic (3/5)

12. 2008 - Your Nan Looks Like Jimmy Snuka (3/5)

13. 1988 - Nikolai Volkoff Is Too Early (3/5)

14. 2018 (Women) - Pointin’ Ronda Rousey (3/5)

15. 1994 - Big Daddy Cool (2.5/5)

16. 1999 - Vince McMahon: Rumble Winner (2.5/5)

17. 2005 - Double Quad Explosion (2.5/5)

18. 2004 - Nunzio For Hall Of Fame (2.5/5)

19. 2010 - Sad Heartbreak Kid (2.5/5)

20. 2016 - Is it? Can it be? It is! Hello, Mr. Styles (2/5)

21. 2006 - The Ghost Of Eddie Guerrero (2/5)

22. 2003 - Bork Laser (2/5)

23. 2014 - Booooo, Rey Mysterio! BOOOO!  (2/5)

24. 2018 (Men) - Remember when Nakamura won a Rumble? No, me neither (2/5)

25. 1996 - Squat Team (2/5)

26. 2017 - Goooooldberg, Goooooldberg (1.5/5)

27. 2011 - 39 Other Options And They Went With Del Rio (1.5/5)

28. 2009 - Black Trunks For Everyone (1.5/5)

29. 2015 - Dean Ambrose is insane, his shirt says so. (1.5/5) 

30. 2013 - Cody Rhodes, Moustache Man (1.5/5)

31. 1995 - British Bulldog Clearly Won (1/5)

32. 2012 - Thanks For Nothing, Pat Patterson (1/5)

[air_raid]

1 hour ago, Dr. Alan Grant said:

I feel I’d be down for a Carmella return. 

Don’t hold your breath, buddy.

[theringmaster]

By all accounts, Asuka, Flair or Bliss never knew Ronda was coming out and their reaction is genuine. It would explain why it looks a little awkward, Bliss and Charlotte clearly have a 'Did we forget the ending?' look on their faces

[Callum1993]

The stuff between The Wyatts and Lesnar was due to set up Bray vs Brock at Mania. But then in the build to Mania they did a Triple Threat at Fastlane with Reigns vs Ambrose vs Lesnar with the winner facing Triple H at Mania. There did seem to be some good chemistry between Lesnar and Ambrose in the build to that so pivoted to them having that awful match at Mania. 
 

They did kind of blow off the Lesnar/Wyatts issue with Brock beating Harper and Bray in a handicap match at Roadblock which I have no memory of. 

[Dr. Alan Grant]

I appreciate people filling in the gaps in my appalling memory. 

Later tonight will be a very special edition of my Royal Rumble Adventures.

The Greatest Royal Rumble! Will it deliver on its name? No. No, it will not. Though it does feature one of the greatest Rumble moments there ever was. True connoisseurs will know what that is.

[Dr. Alan Grant]

A Rumble so long it took me 11 months to get through…welcome to The Greatest* Royal Rumble!
 

*It’s not.

Last time they did a 40 man Rumble, it was utter shite, so this is surely going to be the same, right? Well, upon watching this one, I was reminded that it’s actually 50 this time. Goddammit. The only part I remember is Titus. How bad can the rest be?

1. The Greatest first two participants. Daniel Bryan…Yes! And Dolph Ziggler…No! Big reaction for Bryan, crickets for Ziggler. Well done, Saudi.

2. The Greatest groaners. Dolph Ziggler, Sin Cara (not even the original), Curtis Axel, Mike Kanellis (though his theme song is amazing). Hiroki Sumi. Yes, THE Hiroki Sumi. Viktor of The Ascension, Tony Nese, Hornswoggle, Primo who is a 10 year WWE veteran at this point according to Byron Saxton. 10 years of fuck all. Bo Dallas, Konnor of The Ascension, Luke Gallows, Drew Gulak and Tucker Knight. If ever there was a name that made you realise you’d forgotten someone even existed, it’s Tucker Knight. Fandango, Mojo Rawley, Karl Anderson, Apollo Crews, Roderick Strong, Heath Slater, Babatunde, an oddly shaped humanoid called Dan Matha, Tye Dillinger, Curt Hawkins and The Great Khali. Bobbins.

3. The Greatest elimination. Kurt Angle with an overhead belly to belly suplex to Ziggler.

4. The Greatest moment. Big E throws a handful of sweaty pancakes at an eliminated Tucker Knight. 

5. The Greatest worst moment. Mark Henry has a face off to utter silence with a random Sumo. 

6. The Greatest move. Shane McMahon goes to the top rope for a coast to coast but Braun Strowman intervenes and throws him from the top through the announce table.

7. The Greatest pops. Mark Henry and his Big Show tribute knees gets a nice reaction, but Kurt Angle gets pop of the night. 

8. The Greatest funniest moment. Well, it’s Titus O’Neill tripping and sliding under the ring of course. It gets 4 replays and Corey Graves’ reaction is the best thing he’s ever done. 

9. The Greatest laying about? Not a lot. Bryan’s in there for over an hour, so he takes the occasional rest, but nothing too egregious. 

10. The Greatest final four. Braun Strowman, Daniel Bryan, Big Cass and Kevin Owens. I miss KO. 

11. The Greatest standout performance. Daniel Bryan. Not just for the length of his stint, but he mixes it up with most of the others and ends up with this chest. 

12. The Greatest final rating. It’s too long, the crowd are dead apart from the entrances for the handful of surprise entrants, no stories are told. Buuuuuut…Titus did fall over. 1.5/5.

 

The ranking so far.

1. 1992 - That’s Not Fair To Flair (5/5)

2. 2000 - Too Cool Dances At MSG (5/5)

3. 1990 - Hogan/Warrior “Nobody Moves!” (4.5/5)

4. 2002 - Undertaker Eats Popcorn (4.5/5)

5. 1997 - Stone Cold’s Invisible Watch (4/5)

6. 2001 - The Return Of Honky Tonk (4/5)

7. 1989 - Hogan Is A Dirty Cheating Bastard (3.5/5)

8. 1998 - Rise Of Rocky (3/5)

9. 1993 - Mr. Backlund (3/5)

10. 1991 - Dino Bravo At Number Two (3/5)

11. 2007 - Undertaker/HBK Epic (3/5)

12. 2008 - Your Nan Looks Like Jimmy Snuka (3/5)

13. 1988 - Nikolai Volkoff Is Too Early (3/5)

14. 2018 (Women) - Pointin’ Ronda Rousey (3/5)

15. 1994 - Big Daddy Cool (2.5/5)

16. 1999 - Vince McMahon: Rumble Winner (2.5/5)

17. 2005 - Double Quad Explosion (2.5/5)

18. 2004 - Nunzio For Hall Of Fame (2.5/5)

19. 2010 - Sad Heartbreak Kid (2.5/5)

20. 2016 - Is It? Can it be? It is! Hello, Mr. Styles (2.5/5)

21. 2006 - The Ghost Of Eddie Guerrero (2/5)

22. 2003 - Bork Laser (2/5)

23. Booooo, Rey Mysterio! BOOOO! (2/5)

24. 2018 (Men) - Remember When Nakamura Won A Rumble? No, Me Neither (2/5)

25. 1996 - Squat Team (2/5)

26. 2017 - Gooooolberg, Gooooolberg (1.5/5)

27. Greatest 2018 - Titus Slides (1.5/5)

28. 2011 - 39 Other Options And They Went With Del Rio (1.5/5)

29. 2009 - Black Trunks For Everyone (1.5/5)

30. 2015 - Dean Ambrose Is Insane, His Shirt Says So (1.5/5)

31. 2013 - Cody Rhodes, Moustache Man (1.5/5)

32. 1995 - British Bulldog Clearly Won (1/5)

33. 2012 - Thanks For Nothing, Pat Patterson (1/5)

Edit: Forgot how much of a ballache it to alter the font size when pasting from a Notes app. Ah well.

 

 

Edited May 10 by Dr. Alan Grant
Fooooooont