Dr. Alan Grant’s Royal Rumble Adventures

[Statto]

It shouldn't be overlooked that Bryan put in that performance barely a month into his return after a 2-year injury (presumed retirement) layoff. Amazing stuff in that context.

[Dr. Alan Grant]

2019 (Women)

1. First Two Participants. Lacey Evans and Natalya. I always liked Lacey, I thought her initial Southern belle character stood out. Green Shirt Guy is front and centre. How long has this dude been around?

2. Groaners. Natalya, Tamina (probably still employed), Sarah Logan and Zelina Vega. 

3. Best Elimination. Xia Li tries to springboard back into the ring from the apron and Charlotte Flair just boots her off. 

4. Best Moment. Fit Finlay gives the go ahead for Becky Lynch to enter the match. 

5. Worst Moment. Alicia Fox throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the ring because Maria Kanellis stomped on her big hat. The problem is the hat must have been made of solid steel cause it’s not even remotely damaged.

6. Best Move. Natalya does a sharpshooter on two people at the same time. It’s horribly contrived and barely functional, but nothing else of note happened.

7. Biggest Pops. Nikki Cross surprisingly gets a nice reaction. But Becky Lynch coming out and being allowed to enter is electric. 

8. Funniest Moment. There’s a couple. Billie Kay refuses to enter the ring until Peyton Royce shows up. Then I realised that this is the Rumble that gave us this gem of a backstage promo when they were eliminated.

Also, Naomi does a Kofi to escape elimination, walks on the guardrail then makes a monster of a leap to the steps. The crowd goes wild. Then Mandy Rose just pulls her off the steps anyway. Mandy’s had enough of this bullshit happening in every Rumble match. Me too Mandy, me too.

Finally, Hornswoggle appears from under the ring and chases Zelina Vega down the aisle. They are the same height. 

9. Any Laying About? Right…it’s becoming clear that this is the standard template for Rumbles now. Someone enters, they’re the focus for about 90 seconds until the next entrant. Everyone else either lies in the corner or has a pointless little brawl with someone else that nobody pays attention to. And thus, the “Anyone Laying About?” category dies a death because everyone’s always lying down, the lazy shits. Replaced with “That’s My Boy/Girl!” To be awarded to someone who shows up who I like for reasons I don’t understand. They’re not my favourites and they’re not great in the ring, but something about them appeals to me. Our very first winner of this is Sonya Deville. I couldn’t tell you a single match of hers that I remember, or a storyline. But I like Sonya Deville. Go, Sonya!

10. Final Four. Becky Lynch, Charlotte Flair, Nia Jax and Bayley. Almost a Horsewoman bingo. 

11. Standout Performance. Charlotte Flair. Back when she was decent. Her hair gets increasingly bedraggled throughout.

12. Final Rating. 3/5. It’s not a world beater. There’s no particularly great performances, but it’s a fun watch. The final stretch after Becky’s arrival is very solid. 
 

2019 (Men)

1. First Two Participants. Elias and Jeff Jarrett. A fantastic start. They tease a musical duet before Elias waffles him with the guitar. Forget bringing back Baron Corbin, give that contract to Elias instead. 

2. Groaners. Jinder Mahal, Curt Hawkins, Apollo Crews and Dolph Ziggler. 

3. Best Elimination. No Way Jose dances down the aisle with a conga line, is immediately thrown out and then dances back to the Greatest Theme Music Of All Time.

4. Best Moment. Nia Jax wipes out R-Truth and takes his place. She has a standoff with Randy Orton then eliminates Mustafa Ali who was reluctant to fight her. A not so reluctant Dolph Ziggler, Rey Mysterio and Randy Orton hit her with a super kick, 619 and RKO. 

5. Worst Moment. Jerry Lawler and JBL stinking up the joint on commentary. 

6. Best Move. Seth Rollins (I know, I know) hits a curb stomp on Braun Strowman for the win. 

7. Biggest Pops. Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle. Screw the current roster, the people want 50 year old men.

8. Funniest Moment. Randy Orton’s face after the Nia Jax RKO.

9. That’s My Boy! Nia Jax. It counts. She’s great. And clumsy. And dangerous. And hilarious. 

10. Final Four. Andrade, Dolph Ziggler, Braun Strowman and UKFF fav Seth Rollins.

11. Standout Performance. Samoa Joe if only for doing his walking away spot mid match. 

12. Final Rating. 3.5/5. This is a decent one, winner notwithstanding. The Nia Jax segment is great as is the Double J return. 
 

“You’ve gotta be joking me!”

[TheBurningRed]

Lawler and JBL doing comms for that Rumble has been wiped from my memory thankfully. Lawler shouldn’t have still been commentating in 2019.