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Guy Bifkin

Faecal Matters

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3 minutes ago, Keith Houchen said:

Southern ponce.

I bet anyone North of Gloucester just curls one out in the garden. Savages. 

Edited by Gus Mears

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16 minutes ago, Scott Malbranque said:

What's the opinion on public plopping? And how do you angle yourself if you're wearing baggy jeans ?

It’s barbaric.  Caught a pisshead doing on one my parents front lawn a few years ago, turned the hosepipe on him, dirty bastard.

As for the squatty potty, it’s endorsed by Howard Stern and Gilbert Gotfried, so I’m all for it.

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46 minutes ago, Gus Mears said:

It's probably a case of the shower warming up your bowels and getting them ready for action. I live in quite a cold house with a heater in the lav that's on the blink, so often find that I'm sat there straining in impotent rage, even when I definitely need to go.

This makes sense but it's bloody annoying. I find myself showering, then shitting, then showering just my arse again. The French really do have it right with bidets don't they?

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What if you were to have a gik in your own garden coz somebody else was on the pot, or if it was about 0600, the whole house is still asleep and you don't want to wake everyone up because at that hour it'd sound like a Massey Ferguson at work?

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I'll be honest Scott, I don't think thanks would be the immediate emotion I felt after finding one of my relatives having a shit in the garden at 6AM.

Edited by Gus Mears

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2 hours ago, Guy Bifkin said:

So a couple of weeks back I had the piles and other than the general discomfort, the worst thing was doing a shit and trying to clean back there.

So I did a bit of Googling to find a solution and I hit upon a site that suggested putting your feet on a foot stool (pardon the pun) whilst taking a plop. I tried it and lads, it’s a game changer.  

There must be something about the angle of your feet that seemingly opens up your sphincter but it turns shitting into a swift, effortless evacuation rather than an agonising chore. No more nearly passing out straining to release the tail end of the poo. It just shoots right out. Maybe those filthy French cunts were onto something shitting into a hole in the ground all these years.

Try it, you will thank me later.

 

I've been doing this for a couple of months now. Our bathroom is tiny and the radiator is right next to the bog so I've been resting my feet on it while crapping and it's been a much easier experience.

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36 minutes ago, Scott Malbranque said:

What if you were to have a gik in your own garden coz somebody else was on the pot, or if it was about 0600, the whole house is still asleep and you don't want to wake everyone up because at that hour it'd sound like a Massey Ferguson at work?

My standard answer to this would be “What would you do if it was your good lady taking a big shit in the garden”, but I think we all know by now that your the kind of guy who would probrably just high five her, make her a brew and pass her the bog roll.  I honestly could never think of a good reason to take a shit in the garden, besides, the neighbours would be most distressed seeing my big white arse laying a cable.

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We need a new squatty potty — the old one was looking like, well, shit — all scuffed up and scratched by the cats. Thinking of getting one of the fancy folding wood-effect ones, so it doesn't have to sit there all the time drawing attention to itself.

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i have a squatty potty, not really noticed much difference myself. My dad shouts at me everytime i forget to remove it from the bathroom after i use it, i did tell him what its for and that he can use it, but he wont ! 

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Squatting is meant to be the "natural" way of doing it - standing up or sitting down, your muscles tighten more, and you're more likely to strain too much and do yourself a mischief. Never tried it myself, outside of navigating a particularly grotty pub lav, though.

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When lazy i have my feet flat on the floor and rest my elbows on my legs, seriously need to stop, I managed to give myself a dead leg recently where it turned to complete jelly and I have no feeling/sensation. I’m guessing stop the circulation or something.

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