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Guy Bifkin

Faecal Matters

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So a couple of weeks back I had the piles and other than the general discomfort, the worst thing was doing a shit and trying to clean back there.

So I did a bit of Googling to find a solution and I hit upon a site that suggested putting your feet on a foot stool (pardon the pun) whilst taking a plop. I tried it and lads, it’s a game changer.  

There must be something about the angle of your feet that seemingly opens up your sphincter but it turns shitting into a swift, effortless evacuation rather than an agonising chore. No more nearly passing out straining to release the tail end of the poo. It just shoots right out. Maybe those filthy French cunts were onto something shitting into a hole in the ground all these years.

Try it, you will thank me later.

 

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Yeah, I remember seeing a chart about how the angle makes it easier but let me tell you this.  First Brussels think they can ban bananas but if they think they can stop me having a proper British shit the way God intended they're wrong.  I'll even risk prison and do what them skinny micks did in the 80s and smear my shit over the walls.

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I'm getting a squatty potty. I look forward to proudly entering the gents at work with it tucked under my arm for my 10am ablution. 

Edited by Guy Bifkin

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9 minutes ago, Keith Houchen said:

Yeah, I remember seeing a chart about how the angle makes it easier but let me tell you this.  First Brussels think they can ban bananas but if they think they can stop me having a proper British shit the way God intended they're wrong.  I'll even risk prison and do what them skinny micks did in the 80s and smear my shit over the walls.

Calm down, Tommy Robinson, it's not all bananas!

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I don't have any trouble getting my waste out of my body, it bloody flies out, but due to having a toddler there is a stool in the bathroom (for standing up to the sink) so I may as well give this a go next time I'm using the facilities at home. I prefer to go at work because you're getting paid for it but my first one or two of the day tend to be unavoidably  before I leave the house, so hopefully i'll get to give this a go some time before 8.00am tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to this.

 

EDIT -although, would I not need two stools? one for my left foot one for my right... it's not a bench I've got in there, its just a stool, if my legs are close together that might block the entry... i'll work something out.

Edited by Harry Wiseau

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10 minutes ago, Harry Wiseau said:

I don't have any trouble getting my waste out of my body, it bloody flies out, but due to having a toddler there is a stool in the bathroom (for standing up to the sink) so I may as well give this a go next time I'm using the facilities at home. I prefer to go at work because you're getting paid for it but my first one or two of the day tend to be unavoidably  before I leave the house, so hopefully i'll get to give this a go some time before 8.00am tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to this.

 

EDIT -although, would I not need two stools? one for my left foot one for my right... it's not a bench I've got in there, its just a stool, if my legs are close together that might block the entry... i'll work something out.

Bloody hell Harry, how wide are your legs???

One stool will do

Edited by Nick Soapdish

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9 minutes ago, Nick Soapdish said:

Bloody hell Harry, how wide our your legs???

One stool will do

well, If I'm in a public toilet I like one foot to be under the partition wall on the left, one on the right, it certainly speeds up the cottaging process I like to be  comfortable, I have quite long legs... i'll give it a go, that's all I can say.

Edited by Harry Wiseau

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Some of these replies have had me howling so thanks lads.

I have a recent problem. I, like most people, have a shit before I shower. I've never had any problem pooing, as I drink a tonne of coffee a day and have always had stomach issues.

Anyway, recently I've been struggling and I can't go before the shower but guarantee that as soon as I get OUT of the shower, I need a shit. Which is highly annoying as I've just spent half an hour 30 seconds with the shower head aimed at my arse. Is it possible my arse is getting stage fright and then I'm making it comfortable with the shower?

It's really pissing me off.

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It's probably a case of the shower warming up your bowels and getting them ready for action. I live in quite a cold house with a heater in the lav that's on the blink, so often find that I'm sat there straining in impotent rage, even when I definitely need to go.

Edited by Gus Mears

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