Guy Bifkin

In news that will surprise no-one, smelly French cheat Michelle Platini has been arrested on corruption charges. Time for this country to pull out of UEFA too.

I am looking forward to Frank Lampard leading Chelsea's golden generation of youngsters to domestic and European glory next year. Any Chelsea fan who disagrees is probably a foreigner.

My only advice is insist on black boots only. Root out any of those little cunts that insist on wearing luminous pink boots. I find a few lashes of a wet towel in the showers after practice gets the message through to them, but try telling that to the snow flakes in social services!

Even as an unashamed Jon Jones nut-hugger I will not be paying for that!

I thought Chelsea could sign Higuin, not that I'd want to. I'm really excited by the transfer ban. It wouldn't stop me offloading at least a dozen players in and around the first team. I'd be looking to bring back Zouma, Tammy, Reece James and Mason Mount as squad players.

Mikey is king. Fuck the Shackledraggers. It's starting to look like a long summer.

Love me some Dr John, RIP.

Well that was predictable.

"Let him fucking stay there". Absolutely fantastic, a perfect ending.

If we can reflect for a minute on last season, I think it was the year that football historians will look back at as the exact point the Europa cup became more important and prestigious than the Champions league and a true benchmark for the greatest teams in Europe.

Fucking hell, time hasn't been kind to Michael Slater has it? has it He looks like he's been sucking dicks for crack. Having said that, he's a good host and has a terrific voice for commentary. He works the occasional subtle, slightly camp Larry Grayson style one knee bend into his on pitch interviews like a seasoned pro. I've really enjoyed the diversity of commentators they've had on Sky so far. The cricket has been top notch too. C'mon the Hajis!!

I've read a couple of spoiler free reviews this morning that were positively glowing. I genuinely only found out they had made it a few weeks ago and I'm really excited. I've not seen one trailer for it on Sky Atlantic and only stumbled across it while I was setting the recorder for UFC this morning. It looks like the whole cast is back.

Heads up cocksuckers, the Deadwood movie is now available On Demand!

If ever a boozer needed to be nailbombed.