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Celebrity Sex Tapes


Devon Malcolm

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So having just sat through one by some dopey bint called Toastee (she was in Rock Of Love or Flava Of Love or Fuck Off Love or something like that), I have to ask if anyone actually looks forward to these or if you thought any of them were any good ever? And have you been dumb enough to pay to watch one?

 

I remember seeing one with Sally from Home & Away on the old Robb Douglass (RIP :( ) site that excited me a bit because I always wanted to see those puppies unleashed, but it was a bit blurry and shite and not really worth it. Otherwise they have generally always been a complete waste of time and I can't imagine why anyone would pay money to watch some feckless tart off a VH1 reality show banging away unenthusiastically

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I remember seeing one with Sally from Home & Away on the old Robb Douglass (RIP :( ) site that excited me a bit because I always wanted to see those puppies unleashed, but it was a bit blurry and shite and not really worth it.

Yeah, she just floppd about a bit on top. She looks a lame shag.

 

Agree with Chesty, if it was a decent celeb, I'd still be prowling the torrent sites on a mission.

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I'm also on "Depends who they are". If it's someone off a soap or something then yeah, but if it's some reality telly no-mark I really couldn't give a shite as I'm more likely to have heard of porn stars than them anyway.

 

I have enjoyed some though. Pamela Anderson's with Tommy Lee is bizarrely nice, and doesn't strike me as being seedy for some reason, Abi Titmuss' is like "Carry On Filming Your Coked Up Sexcapades" so that's good for a laugh, and Jordan's means you can have a bloody good laugh at Dane Bowers' tiny cock. Chyna seemed to be better at shagging and well more into it as regards experimentation and enjoying it (Jordan's is the best example of fucking with a pokerface, although Dane Bowers seemed to suffer from micropenis so I don't blame her), however Chyna does resemble an angry Jersey Cow.

 

Paris Hilton's is awful, it's just her preening, and she's got giant hands like shovels. The Tonya Harding one is rough, and Imogens of Big Brother isn't one to write home about either. Keeley Hazell proves she can suck a mean cock in hers though.

 

So, I suppose really you can't watch a celebrity sex tape for a wank, because they just aren't as good as porn. For a laugh some are watchable, and that's why I'd end up watching them all the way through, for how surreal they are. But at the end of the day, I'd rather just watch a porno.

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All I remember was my flatmate found it and showed it to me, and two of our girl flatmates, after five minutes of Hilton being mounted and nothing much else, B shouts 'She is the most boring fuck in the world'. It summed it up perfectly and we all got on with our lives.

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The Fergie one (BEP Fergie, not ugly, ginger toe sucking Fergie) was worth a wank. Just a shame it didn't go on for long, although the version I saw faded out so I suspect there is more footage somewhere.

 

Are you sure thats a legit one? Cause you don't really get a good look at her face or anything. Could be anyone really.

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I remember that Jordan one from back in the day, the only thing I can remember is her attempting to blow Dane Bowers' tiny, tiny little weiner.

 

The Paris Hilton one is garbage, she even plays to the camera in that and it was boring as all hell.

 

I checked the X-Pac/Chyna one out purely out of morbid curiosity a few years back. X-Pac seems to have been to the same cock factory as Dane Bowers.

 

I'm with neil on the Kat Dennings pics, they were amazing.

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The Chyna/X-Pac full length version is truly bizarre. When I had to review it a few years' back, they had basically spread the sex scenes out over the course of a full-length feature and interspersed it with scenes of Chyna standing around on her balcony and X-Pac showing you the sights around where they were staying. His attempts at being Alan Whicker were better than his attempts at being a porn star.

 

Also, the Abi Titmuss one is a good laugh especially when Titters casually says to the camera, "She's got her tongue in my arsehole." The Rebecca Gayheart threesome is entertainingly odd too.

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When my mate got his first PC (it was 2005, he was 22) I downloaded a big wedge of porn to put on some data discs for him. One of them was the Jordan sex tape set to The Self-Preservation Society. For some reason, he loved this so much that he excitedly showed his mammy. She was unimpressed. He then set a nude shot of Asian-American pornstar Avena Lee as his desktop background. It was a downstairs computer. Only for the next three days, mind, then he took it upstairs and started running up

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