Members SuperBacon Posted February 5 Members Posted February 5 (edited) I had to start a thread for this from FLips. Edit: I dunno how to, or don't have permission to pin this, can someone do it please? Edited February 5 by SuperBacon Quote
Members SuperBacon Posted February 5 Author Members Posted February 5 44 minutes ago, FLips said: Metroland! Fucking hell. Maybe the worst school trip I ever went on was to see the newly-ish erected Angel of the North with a stop at the Metro Center after to make it sound like it was worth our while. We were allowed to wear what we wanted so I had this horrible synthetic dragon t shirt on, made from the same polyester material as a footy shirt so it had that horrible glidy texture and unique underlying smell to it. It had a dragon on though so I suffered to impress the girls. Up until the age of about 17 I was tremendously travel sick, so after the Angel but before the Metro, we got taken to McDonalds. Naturally I got a burger meal and a strawberry milkshake so not much long after I’m chucking up milkshake back into the cup. Nobody wanted it on the bus obviously but we couldn’t stop, so the teacher opened the side of the minibus and had me throw it out, narrowly missing a woman by about a foot and splattering all over the path in front of her as she yelled Geordie obscenities us. We had no tissues so I had to clean my face and shirt with newspaper which because of the wet sick it just transferred ink all over my face. So we get to the Metrocentre, ink all over my face and sick all over my dragon t shirt. HMV or whatever DVD shop (maybe Virgin?) IDs me for a Family Guy DVD and being 13 with no ID I get turned away. Later we go to Metroland before we have to go home and the rollercoaster was out of order so I’m just walking about stinking of sick in semi-blackface that wouldn’t wash off in the toilets. Not a single lass complimented my top. Absolute waste of time. 2nd worst trip was when we stayed at a hut in Carlisle and I forgot my belt so had to take the laces from the one pair of shoes I took and go bowling with my shoelace holding my jeans up like a hobo. On the way home the lass sat next to me asked to share my walkman but quickly handed it back when she put the headset on to Kurt Angle’s theme song on WWF The Music Volume 5 and didn’t speak to me again the rest of the drive home. It wouldn't let me add to initial post. Glorious Quote
Awards Moderator HarmonicGenerator Posted February 5 Awards Moderator Posted February 5 Oops! I hadn’t seen this and just changed the 2025 thread to say 2026. It was to nominate the same post though - brilliant work by @FLips and as in the other thread, ‘Terrible School Trips’ would be a fun read I’d hope. Quote
Members SuperBacon Posted February 13 Author Members Posted February 13 Absolutely love this from Scratch. 3 hours ago, Scratch said: It’s 2001 and the newest member of our friend group turns up at the pub, really excited! ”My mate in Suffolk owns a massive pig farm and are having a big party next Saturday and said I can bring some mates.” He then went on to describe what genuinely sounded like a festival, with hog roasts, live music, stalls etc, and we all 8 of us agreed we should go. We turned up to what was clearly a medium-sized farm house with a larger-than-normal garden, but certainly not the “Farm Fest” we’d been sold, and so assumed we’d taken a wrong turn. There was no car park, no stage area, no stalls, no music, no hog roasts and most noticeably, no people. Then our mate’s mate poked his head out the front door, somewhat surprised to see us. As all 8 of us got out, we assumed we’d just got there a bit early. But no, and it quickly turned out we’d been massively miss-sold the occasion. We awkwardly introduced ourselves as the rest of the family came outside to see what was going on. In total, 9 relatives joined us all in their garden as we still felt a bit unsure what was happening. Me and one of mates attempted to be polite at least, and went to speak to who we believed to the grandad who was standing under a small gazebo. It was clear that these people were very, very posh and it was apparent we shouldn’t be there. He started opening up a petanque set, and in our attempt to keep up what was becoming an evermore ridiculous facade, we asked him about it. Out of nothing but polite awkwardness, he showed us how to do it and before we knew what was happening, me and my mate had become a team and we’d somehow managed to win against the grandad and one of his grown up kids. Beginners luck I’m sure. Then everything became clear. This wasn’t a party, a festival or indeed anything remotely close to a do - this was the 43rd annual family petanque tournament and we’d somehow managed to enter and win our first game. We were then shown a rapidly reconfigured tournament bracket that already showed a W by our name. What was already the most awkward situation I’d ever been in was starting to feel really uncomfortable - more so given our arrival had pretty much doubled the attendees of the event. About 30 minutes of utter cringe followed before we were called back to the gazebo for our next round robin game, which again, we managed to win against - despite having no clue what we were doing and trying as hard as possible to lose so we could leave. After about two hours, we’d won all of our games and went through to the semis which saw us pitted against the dad and his eldest son who were clearly annoyed of us being there, entering his tournament and doing rather well. By this point, we’d never wanted anything more than to win. And we did. The final saw us up against the second youngest son and his girlfriend and we whitewashed them in short time. The hog roast actually turned out to be a small BBQ which we dominated, before making up an elaborate excuse about someone’s broken down brother and leaving. And that’s the story of how I and my mate Rich entered - and won - the 43rd annual Abbott’s family petanque tournament by accident. I’ve still got the trophy somewhere. Quote
Members SuperBacon Posted March 27 Author Members Posted March 27 This is superb and made me genuinely laugh out loud. 4 minutes ago, Lion_of_the_Midlands said: I've just got back from the pharmacy where I was picking up my mums prescription. It wasnt quite ready so i had to wait. Unusually I was the only one in there, normally its heaving. I'd been sat there for a minute or so and this guy comes in to collect his prescription. He is well dressed and probably in his early 60s. They get his prescription and the pharmacist asks him if he'd ever had an allergic reaction to medication and he said yes. She asks what he'd had a reaction to, and he looked a little embarrassed but tells her that he hurt his hand 5 weeks ago and it swelled up. So he took the only tablets he had in the house which he thought could help, which were some tablets left over from when his dog had been prescribed them by the vet because he didn't want to waste them. Then he'd had a reaction to the tablets that made the swelling in his hand worse. She said that she thought he'd be OK with his prescription and then he left. After he'd gone the pharmacist looked across to me where I'm already laughing and she said. "I should have asked him if he had a cold wet nose" which absolutely killed me. We've not been with this pharmacy long but I think we will get on just fine. Quote
cobra_gordo Posted March 27 Posted March 27 30 minutes ago, SuperBacon said: This is superb and made me genuinely laugh out loud. Literally only came in the thread to nominate the same post as it made me burst out laughing Quote
Paid Members Lion_of_the_Midlands Posted April 9 Paid Members Posted April 9 3 minutes ago, Frankie Crisp said: And 13 years ago today, I had the greatest hangover of my life! I'd taken the day off work as it was Wrestlemania the night before, so was already ahead of the rest when it came to getting to the boozer. I think I got to bed around 5am and didn't have any alarms set, but when I got up I'd already been ignoring my phone buzzing for what felt like hours but did so thinking it was someone in work trying to get hold of me, not knowing I was off. Checked the names of the missed calls/messages, however, and it was the most unrelated list of people - if it'd had been work people, makes sense. The Palace mates, maybe we'd sacked the gaffer. Family names, maybe someone had taken ill. But these names had no reason to all be contacting me. First one I chose to read was my cousin Alan, and his message just read 'Lol'. That actually gave me an inkling but I didn't want to get my hopes up; sixty seconds later having sped-read the other messages I was bombing it across the flat to put the telly on. Glorious. Just glorious. First thing I did was ring my old man. He'd given retirement a go a couple of years earlier but wasn’t ready to give up doing stuff, so he had a part-time job he loved. He’d do two days a week and was given places to get the train to, to collect cars that had come to the end of their business lease. He adored it. Free transport across the country seeing great scenery, giving swanky cars a good check before getting the signature then driving it to its new owner or the lease company. Perfect little job for him. Dad and I had a rule that we would never ring each other during working hours unless it was an emergency, so not to worry the other if the phone rang unexpectedly. This warranted a call. “Okay son, is everything okay?” I broke the news and after couple of seconds, he just said “I’ll ring you back in a minute”. He was on his way to pick a car up near Hull but thankfully hadn’t arrived to start the inspection. He indeed rang me back just after - he’d rang his boss, pulled a sickie and was getting off at the next stop to start the journey home. He knew he’d be a while but also knew I wasn’t going to sit on my hands waiting for him to meet me in town. After a detour to the local shop to get a bottle of champagne, I went into my local. It was empty. Everyone was in work. Losers. Ordered my pint and as Neil was pouring it, he asked who the champagne was for, or if I was celebrating. He clearly hadn’t heard. Five minutes later we were half a bottle down and he was having the shift of his life. The few people who came in over the next hour or two got the best barman to ever exist. The next few hours were great as I worked my way through more places - just complete strangers in every street and boozer in town celebrating, hugging and understanding how monumental it was that she’d carked it. By the time my old man bounced into the boozer late afternoon, me, our Alan, my mate Ben and a few others were halfway to the moon. Whilst there were plenty of moments in conversation that got deep and emotional as to how she’s destroyed the lives of friends, family and strangers, the night was mainly positive with an air of solidarity, relief and vindication. Our Al left around 10ish to meet some mates but was later seen online on St. George’s Hall steps dancing with a load of lads who clearly got the memo. Pyrotechnics were involved. Made the local papers. My old man got the last train home but it was a hug and a half he gave me as I left him. I lived about 15 mins away from Lime Street so thought I’d have one or two more on the walk home before calling it a day as I was due back in work the next day. Got home around 6am having done three turns of Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead on Karaoke in The Grapes on Mathew Street, during which I booked emergency annual leave. For anyone who knows that neck of the woods, it’s usually very similar to where Thatcher was on her way to, but that night, it was nothing but brilliant. I know a lot of people are of the opinion of ‘but she was an old lady’, ‘she was someone’s mum’, ‘you shouldn’t celebrate someone’s death’ and so on. Fuck that. She was one of the exceptions. Ruined millions of lives and ended more than can be quantified. It wasn’t a byproduct of her mindset, it was an intention. An evil piece of shit, no regard for the working class, even less regard for human life and a trigger for a wave of selfish capitalists who have gone on to worsen society in recent decades but is eulogised as having a positive legacy. I’m glad she’s dead. I just wish her policies and ideals died with her. Sensational work from Frankie. Quote
cobra_gordo Posted April 28 Posted April 28 On 4/25/2026 at 2:11 PM, Gus Mears said: Lizzie turning 100 this week churned up a memory I'd buried of when my mum briefly got possessed by Her Majesty. All the rigmarole of her dying and people queueing up for hours like mentalists to see a corpse happened while I was on the honeymoon of my ill fated marriage. Result was that I didn't see my mum until the day of the state funeral. I should have got an inkling something was up when she messaged me asking if I wanted to watch it live, to which I replied I could not be arsed in the slightest. She got weirdly mardy about this, despite never showing any interest in the monarchy beyond quite liking Duchy Original biscuits. I think she'd also been sending vague messages about how sad it all was the previous week, which I probably replied to with a thumbs up while 5 rum punches deep. Anyway, I go round after the funeral and she's weeping. I give her a hug. She starts speaking in the Queen's accent. I thought she was taking the piss, but no. She's relaying details of the funeral in the Queen's accent, asking if I want a cup of tea in the Queen's accent, inquiring as to how the honeymoon was in the Queen's accent. The Ukrainian refugee living with her at the time pulls me aside and says she's been doing this for about 3 days. She's ready to go back to Lviv. I ask my mum if she realises her accent has entirely changed. She seems slightly bemused by this but admits Her Maj's passing seems to have had a larger impact on her than anticipated while crying some mote. I was gutted when Bowie died, but I didn't start talking like Jack Sparrow in tribute. At this point I'm wondering if she's had a stroke or fallen down the stairs. I decide in my medical opinion the best idea is to give it a couple of days. Thankfully she had returned back to normal by the end of the week. But the centenary did give me a brief worry of a relapse until I spoke with her this morning. Delighted to report she sounded like a woman in her 50's from Wiltshire and not Celia Imrie. Don't mind me, just hyperventilating from laughing at this from Gus Quote
Paid Members Up Chuck Posted May 2 Paid Members Posted May 2 On 2/13/2026 at 3:56 PM, SuperBacon said: Absolutely love this from Scratch. Logged in for the first time in forever to post condolences for our lost friends, decided to check this out, and it has me and my missus fucking howling. She said it’s like an episode of Brassic. Incredible stuff. Quote
Paid Members Jazzy G Posted May 5 Paid Members Posted May 5 This is a spectacular post. I've just been laughing out loud at the list in the car, hoping Mrs Jazzy and the dog aren't wandering back from training to wonder what the heck I'm laughing at. Spectacular. Quote
RedTwoster Posted June 19 Posted June 19 It must have been incredibly difficult to speak about this, and it’s rare that I’m so genuinely moved by a forum post. David will rightfully be nominated for his on topic post, but I really think this deserves recognition too. I don’t think I could have done what David has done here, and my goodness, what a difference it will make that he has. Quote
Paid Members tiger_rick Posted June 22 Paid Members Posted June 22 (edited) David should form a tag team, have a match and cut a promo and then I reckon he'll win every single award at this years Keffees. Spoiler (I regret Keffees) Edited June 22 by tiger_rick Quote
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