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Ultimate Wrestlecrap


tiger_rick

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Inspired by reading Fin Martin's book, I watched the last 40 mins or so of Halloween Havoc 1995. I'm going to need some serious convincing that there is anything out there in WrestleCrap land that tops it. It's just not possible. I'd seen it before but only remembered some of it.

 

I started watching at the point they got in the monster trucks for the Sumo monster truck match. Alone, this is utter shite. I'm struggling to think of a more pointless "match" on PPV. Even the Patterson v Brisco bra & panties match was closer to wrestling than this - if you assume they were actually driving wink, wink.

 

Five minutes of some trucks sploshing about in the rain while Bobby Heenan asks some duffer inane questions. Then Hogan wins. Then the Giant attacks Hogan. Then they have a "fight" on the ledge of the building that was so bad, it wouldn't have made the cut of Police Academy. Not even Mission to Moscow.

 

The Giant then falls off the building and we get a shot of the river he's supposedly plunged into. The announcers who are watching the footage don't know he's plunged into the river even though they are watching it. Bischoff says "River, Car park, what does it matter?"

 

Fin's book reminded me also of the brilliant angle where Shawn Michaels collapsed on Raw not long after this. That featured some utterly convincing performances. This most definitely didn't. Bischoff isn't too bad, Heenan hams it up to a ridiculous degree while Schiavone - no matter how shit this is - gives his inexcusably nonchalant "this fake shit is all beneath me" expression for an age.

 

At this point, Heenan is screaming about how well he "knew his father" and I remember the whole Giant is Andre's son stuff. Holy fuck.

 

The match goes ahead after an impromptu (?) Luger/Savage match. They cleverly switch the entrances and Hogan comes down first in his classic Hollywood Hogan meets Russ Abbott phase.

 

Then as Hogan explains the situation appallingly for such a mic master, the Giant walks out in his wrestling gear, dry as a bone and without a scratch. So not only did he survive a 100ft fall into a river, not only did he swim to shore and make it back to the arena in 1 minutes flat but he also changed and blow dryed his hair in double quick time too. Still, it was his PPV debut so he would have wanted to look nice.

 

The match isn't bad. Far better than you'd think. The ending might be worse than everything up to this point. Jimmy Hart breathes on the ref Randy Whatshisname and causes him to fall over for the DQ while Hogan has the brilliant newcomer well beat (know your place, boy). Hart then cements his turn with a very weak belt shot which the director then replays from the other angle so you can see just how much it misses by. Luger and Savage then run down for Luger to turn on Savage before the Yeti stumbles out, dressed as a mummy, while Schiavone screams "YETAY". The Giant has had Hogan in a bearhug the whole time so the YETAY stumbles over the ropes and attempts some sort of double bearhug. What he's rally doing is cuddling the Giant while he dry-buggers Hogan.

 

They then repeat it on Savage for about a second only it looks even worse. That genuinely was just foreplay. Oh, and Michael Buffer keeps telling the audience that the belt can't change hands on a DQ even though it turns out it has. And Hogan does that dead fish wobble he likes to do to sell big beatings.

 

I still can't believe it happened. WTF doesn't even start to cover it.

 

Top that. Go on.

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At this point, Heenan is screaming about how well he "knew his father" and I remember the whole Giant is Andre's son stuff. Holy fuck.

 

.

 

Don't shoot me but, taking into account that:

 

* Giant was being pushed as Andre's son

* Heenan did manage Andre

* Even though they had a falling out, there might've been some compassion in Heenan's cold black heart for his ex charge's son, or even gotten to know him as a child

* Heenan's TV persona detested Hogan

 

His reaction here isn't too bad and adds to the realism of the angle.  

 

Unfortunately for the reasons you mention, the rest of it is such a clusterfuck of epic proportions, its rather like having one good bit of music while your house burns to the ground

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I don't think this tops the opening post, but this must come pretty close...

 

8-on-2 Doomsday Cage Match

The Mega Powers vs The Alliance to End Hulkamania

March, 1996
Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage vs
Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Lex Luger, The Taskmaster,
Meng, The Barbarian, Ze Gangsta and The Ultimate Solution

 

In 1996, the two heel stables in WCW of the Four Horsemen and the Dungeon of Doom teamed up in a bid to rid the world of Hulk 'bloody' Hogan. Randy Savage, who was embroiled in a feud with Naitch over the WCW Title, assisted Hulk in his quest to simply survive. And so the WCW bigwigs decided to settle this score by having an 8-on-2 DOOMSDAY CAGE MATCH!!
 
The DOOMSDAY CAGE MATCH involved several cages on top of each other, in which the Hulkster and Macho Man would have to pin someone in the top cage before moving down to the next level to take on more monsters. During this calamity (in which you really couldn't see what the fuck was happening, in cages which weren't exactly created to aid with athletic wrestling prowess) Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan and Dusty Rhodes were stumbling their way through on commentary, trying so very very hard to explain what was going on and also explain this this was the most important match in the history of the universe.
 
These are actual quotes from commentary.
 
"Look at that - he's HARPOONING the Macho Man!"

"It's the Booty Man! And he's armed with..FRYING PANS! FRYING PANS!"

"What does Lex Luger have here? Oh no...oh no. It's a GLOVE."
 
"It doesn't get any better than this, Dusty Rhodes."
"It...does not."
 
 
 
Ze Gangsta (Zeus/Tom Lister) and The Ultimate Solution (Jeep Swenson) were brought in specifically for this match at WCW Uncensored 1996. The Ultimate Solution was originally called The Final Solution but Jewish organisations complained en masse to Ted Turner. WCW claimed they were unaware that The Final Solution was the name Hitler gave his plan to destroy those damn Jews.
 
In the end there were simply too many heels that couldn't really get along, and it seems they couldn't withstand the impact of a run-in by The Booty Man - armed with a fucking frying pan - which helped lead to their downfall.

booty+man.jpg
 
The opening post is really, really bad, but try and sit through this disaster...

EDIT: Some of that is from Wikipedia, so sorry if it might be not wholly accurate. Just fleshing out what I couldn't forget from the match itself...
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Does it have to be a single match or angle?

 

The best example for me of a consistent stream of crap (the drizzling shits, if you like) was Starrcade 99. Seriously, some of the finishes in this PPV make me cry and there's a boatload of interference and turns. Nothing leaves a lasting impression except Benoit winning the United States title... which is negated when he loses it the next night.

 

  • The Cruiserweight title match ends with a turn (Spice turns on Evan).
  • The Varsity Club turn up as Hacksaw's partners, then turn on him. Shane Douglas, who was commentating, was then somehow permitted to enter the ring and get the pin.
  • Luger/Sting features a ridiculously predictable turn, namely Liz betrays Sting. We never believed her anyway.
  • Kevin Nash wins the "do a powerbomb to win" match against Sid because he told the ref he had done one and the ref just believed him. FUCK OFF.
  • The hotly anticipated main event ends on a half-arsed rehash of Montreal designed to make people watch Nitro. FUCK OFF.

     

And other shit. Shit like that. Real shit.

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Mr.Showtime has convinced me to watch Uncensored 1996 again! I remember buying that tape from Glen Radford and I could not believe how bad it was.

 

I don't think it's that bad. I mean it's appalling but I think I've seen worse.

 

It's never 8 on 2 and they do a fairly decent job of ensuring the numbers are always somewhat realistic. They do sell for a good lot of it, Savage particularly. So it's not a complete squash. I've still no idea how Hogan locked the door on the middle section with that diddy little chain. Did he bring a diddy little padlock?

 

I remember the action being pretty lame, the commentary abysmal (Does Dusty call Hogan "Hulkamania" throughout?) and it being hard to see because of the shitty split screen thing and the cage wire. The frying pans are really lame. Also, wasn't the finish a bit of a botch by Savage?

 

I think my favourite bit of the match was the worst Irish whip I've ever seen. Just after they drop into the middle bit which has a wobbly cage floor like it's a bouncy castle, someone whips Luger lightly and he just runs unaided off the screen carefully wobbling on the floor. Does he run all the way into the cage wall? That'd be about 5m away!

 

So yeah, really, really dire. I still think I'd rather watch that cage match any day than a 20 minute Konnan match - even with Eddie G.

 

Giant Haystacks is on that show too. Schiavone, with a straight face, says that the winner of Haystacks/Giant will get a title shot against Flair on Nitro. That's Haystacks in a number one contenders match. For RIC FLAIR'S WORLD TITLE. In 1996. Dear lord.

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I enjoy the doomsday cage of clusterfuck at Uncensored 96.

 

It's a terrible concept and it a big pile of wank, yet somehow I do still enjoy it.

It was a bad idea to start with, it sort of killed off a load of heels and took the shine off Hogn and Savage by killing the concept of them having something to battle aganst after that.

It was full of awkward spots and bad camerawork an was sold with more ham than a deli counter.

 

Yet I do enjoy watching it, god only knows why.

 

Did Hogan and Savage tag on PPV, face or heel, before or after this in WCW?

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