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Films you've masturbated over as a guest

King Pitcos

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Got the idea for the thread from a bit of Johnny Vegas stand-up. What films have you knocked one out to when you've been kipping at someone else's house? The only one I can think of off the top of my head is actually four, the first four Emmanuelles. I was staying at my mate's student flat over the holidays not long after I'd got my first DVD player when I was eighteen, and one day I went on a spending spree that included Emmanuelle 1-4 and a Highlander sword. Actually, I almost definitely had a wank over Lisa Barbuscia's tits and arse in Highlander: Endgame at the time as well.

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I've not cracked one off in someone else's house but I did have the misfortune of having a mate throw one out in my house once. Whilst I was in the room and he thought I was asleep. Or at least I hope he thought I was.


We were about 15 and it was the morning after a shit party when my mum and step-dad had gone away; there was a big gang of us which consisted of about ten boys and a similar number of girls. It was the usual script in that a few of the girls and boys were going out with each other and every few months, there'd be a merry-go-round and people would change who they were getting off with. One of the lads had somehow managed to stay with the same girl for best part of a year. At the start of the night he asked me if he could use my room to give his bird one which would be the first time for them both. It was hardly going to be romantic, fumbling with a girl in a room full of socks, crisp packets and posters of Chris Armstrong, but he was determined to get his end away at the first opportunity he had. Anyway, as the night went on and the bottles of Hooch diminished, it came out that a month or so before, my mate had fingered another girl who was also at the party when his bird was away with her parents. It generated the usual crying/shouting/name-calling you'd expect from pissed teenagers and within half an hour or so, everyone had gone home apart from my mate who'd let his digits stray a few weeks earlier.


He was understandably fuming, given that at 15 popping your cherry is the sexual equivalent of walking up Everest, so we decided to stay up and have a manly chat. Or a pathetic attempt at one, knowing as little as we did at the time. We stayed up chatting shit about who let the cat out of the bag, whether his bird would forgive him, who was better; Shearer or Cole and other such trivialities. All of a sudden, he remembered that at a party a few months earlier when my parents had gone away, he saw a porno is my step-dad's wardrobe. Aside from convincing myself that it wasn't my step-dad's video and that my mum hadn't watched it, I decided it'd be fun to watch it whilst not giving a second thought as to why the little scrote had been rummaging around upstairs the last time he was round. We stuck it on the video downstairs, nervously giggled through some scenes whilst hidings our hard-ons with our sleeping bags and once it ended, I knocked the light off and we went to sleep. Separately, I must add.


I woke up about an hour later in the pitch-black only to hear what sounded like something trying escape my mate's sleeping bag. Rapidly. Despite convincing myself for a good couple of minutes that he was just having a bad dream, I finally admitted what was going on when he yelped 'oh, Gill... GILL' and then proceeded to mumble to himself whilst he was clearly wiping his dick clean inside the sleeping bag. My sleeping bag.


That sound will haunt me forever. I just wish he'd shagged his bird, otherwise I'd be able to have a pint with him without knowing I've heard him jizz all over his own arm in my mum's living room.


Oh, I've got no idea what the film was called but I'm pretty sure it had Traci Lords in it.

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