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English Premier League 2019/20 - Covid-19 edition


David

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So, with no football I'm bored. I've thus decided to play out the rest of this Premier League season using FIFA 20. 

That's right, I'm gonna allow the wonders of AI to play the games as they would have been played before Covid-19 struck. Not only that, I'll post all results in this thread for anyone who fancies coming along for the ride. 

A few rules I'll play by. Any player who gets substituted due to injury will miss the next game only. Red cards will see players miss two games for a direct red, and a single game for two yellows. Aside from that, the AI gods will decide.

I'll go into more detail for the games that would have been televised, and just post the basic results etc for games not scheduled to be shown on telly.

Let's begin with the catch-up games. First up...

Aston Villa vs Sheffield United 0-0

A complete borefest of a game. Both teams take a point each.

 

Next up...

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City come into this game on the back of a 2-0 defeat to Manchester United, while Arsenal managed a 1-0 win over troubled West Ham.

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Arsenal take the lead after Lacazette scores 7 mins in, completely against the run of play.

As City push for an equaliser, Ceballos makes it 2-0. Guardiola is fucking raging, as you can imagine.

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Even that ridiculous lucky cardigan he insists on wearing isn't having any effect on this counter-attacking masterclass by Arsenal.

2-0 at half-time, and the City fans are booing the team off the park.

Second half, and City attack like crazy, but they cant find a way through. Game finishes Manchester City 0 Arsenal 2.

Stats for the game, for those of you who like these kind of things are Man City 9 shots to Arsenals 8 shots, and City boss the ball with 53% possession .

 With 29 games played, the table looks like this...

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Week 30 sees Liverpool able to win the Premiership title for the first time in 30 years, against their rivals Everton. More on that later though, as we begin with a clash between Watford and Leicester City live on BT Sports.

Leicester begin like a house on fire, attacking and pressing a Watford side who look like they're still half-asleep. They finally get their reward when Harvey Barnes rises at the far post to nod a cross into the net, giving Leicester the lead after 42 minutes. Watford have yet to get a shot on target.

Half-time, Watford 0 Leicester City 1

Watford begin the second half with real intent, pressing forward and forcing two good saves from the Leicester keeper, but the hour mark passes with no goals. Gerard Deulofeu couldn't score in a brothel.

Despite their best efforts to equalise, Watford go down 1-0 at home to Leicester. 

Final result, Watford 0 Leicester City 1

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Wee sneaky Brendan is well chuffed with the result.

 

Next up is the 5:30 Sky Sports game, as Aston Villa host Frank Lampard's Chelsea.

Chelsea begin like a side on a mission. It isn't long before Kovacic puts them ahead. 23 minutes gone, 1-0 Chelsea.

Half-time, 1-0 Chelsea.

It should be more to be honest, but they let themselves down in the final 3rd. Villa haven't even managed a shot on goal. 

2nd half begins with a bang, as Villa draw level against all odds, 1-1.

Samatta, 51 minutes. He made Kepa look a proper mug.

A few minutes later Reece James dives in and concedes a penalty. Poor old Frank is losing the plot on the sidelines. He's even unbuttoned the top button on his shirt.

Kovacic off, Barkley comes on. 

Drinkwater steps up to hit the penalty....and misses! He hits the bar!

You'd think Frank Lampard would be happy. He's not. In fact, he casually undoes another button on his shirt. This seems to unsettle Tammy Abraham.

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Abraham can't seem to settle back down, so he comes off with 84 minutes gone. Batshuayi comes on.

Game over. Aston Villa 1 Chelsea 1. The home side will take that.

 

The rest of Saturdays results:

Bournemouth 0 Crystal Palace 1

Brighton 0 Arsenal 0

Man City 0 Burnley 0

Newcastle 0 Sheffield United 1

Norwich 0 Southampton 0

 

Man City draw at home to Burnley, and Pep Guardiola cuts a desperate figure on the touchline.

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Rumours begin to spread regarding his position with the club, especially when former manager and all-round club legend Joe Royle is spotted in the crowd taking copious amounts of notes and looking grim as fuck. Could Pep be replaced by a proper manager before long?

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On to Sundays games, and we start with West Ham vs Wolves, live on Sky Sports. The Hammers are deep in the relegation battle while Wolves are battling for Europe.

West Ham super-fan and all-round nawty geezer Danny Dyer is spotted swaggering his way to the London Stadium after a generous serving of pie and mash

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The first half is pretty uneventful, with neither side really making any clear-cut chances. Wolves don't even register a shot on goal. It appears strikers on both sides are self-isolating themselves on the pitch.

Half-time 0-0.

2nd half was more exciting, with Soucek hitting the crossbar twice in a matter of minutes for West Ham, but the game remained deadlocked.

West Ham 0 Wolves 0. 

 

Next up, the game of the day. Tottenham vs Manchester United. Mourinho against his former side.

Early on it's all Spurs, but no finished product. Hublot Jose isn't happy.

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Half time, it's 0-0.

Second half, Bruno Fernandes forces Lloris into a great save, while Delle Alli is denied by Harry Maguire in the six yard box.

With less than five minutes to go the deadlock is broken!

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Martial scores in 86 minutes!

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Mourinho can't believe it, his Spurs side have surely thrown it away! His agony is further compounded by the sight of that auld prick Fergie chuckling like fuck in the directors box.

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Full-time Spurs 0 Manchester United 1

With that we see the weekends games concluded, and a league table that looks like this:

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Liverpool play Everton tomorrow where the Premier League title could be all wrapped up! 

I'll post the match report for that game tomorrow.

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Well, it's the big one! Everton vs Liverpool, live on Sky Sports!

Sadly, it seems some members of the footballing family aren't as steadfast in the face of the coronavirus as others are, and the Sky Sports studio sits empty hours before kick off as the usual suspects announce via Twitter that they'll be self-isolating, counting their toilet rolls and washing their hands instead.

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As Sky struggle to find a makeshift panel for todays big game, the teams arrive at Goodison:

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Sky bigwigs breath a sigh of relief as Celtic legend and all-round no-nonsense bloke Mick McCarthy races round to the studio after taking an Ireland training session in the Irish capital of Liverpool that morning.

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He's joined by controversial Scottish arsehole Graeme Souness, who has been cleared to non-isolate after it was found that regrowing his legendary moustache would ward off any coronavirus issues

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Completing the studio talking heads is Everton legend Neville Southall, who was pencilled in for a darts tourney that evening in Wirral

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And with everything in place, this historic day for Liverpool is set to begin. The significance of this title win is amplified by the fact that the streets where Liverpool's rabid fanbase can usually be found are all empty as fans cram into homes and bars to watch the game.

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And with that the cameras turn to the famous faces who have decided to witness Liverpool's landmark day.

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Even Ricky Tomlinson has ran a comb through his hair and made an effort

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While disgraced bully Beardsley tries to sneak in quietly

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The teams emerge from the tunnel, and through habit Jurgen Klopp offers Everton manager Carlo Ancelotti a handshake

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With his grasp of English not that great, Carlo relies on his abundant eyebrow density to express his reaction to Klopp's corona handshake attempt

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With the pre-match pleasantries fucked up, it's time for kick off.

Everton get an opportunity from the off, but Sigurdsson fucks it up big-time.

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That Everton opportunity seems to wake Liverpool up, as they begin applying the pressure to the Toffees. 

Firmino is having a 'mare. He can't seem to hit the target.

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Half-time 0-0

Liverpool begin the 2nd half looking to improve on their 9 shots on goal. 

Barely an hour in and Henderson goes down injured.

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Replaced by the Ox.

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70 minutes gone, still 0-0. Klopp is fucking raging.

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Chaos at Goodison as Richarlison finds the net on 83 minutes!

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Everton manager Ancelotti can barely conceal his joy at the late goal!

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And that's it! The game finishes 1-0 Everton! Liverpool fans cannot hide their disappointment!

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The league table after 30 games looks like this

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If Liverpool manage to get anything from their game with Palace at home next week the title is all sewn up. Tonight didn't go as planned, but surely they'll get it done next weekend!

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