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I HATE musicals that use the works of a successful artist or group and shoehorn them into a shitty little stage performance (apparently they're called Jukebox Musicals). Mama Mia and We Will Rock You are the most famous ones, but have you heard of Sunshine on Leitch (based on the works of The Proclaimers) or I Dreamed a Dream (the story of SUSAN BOYLE FFS)? Probably not. Venues up and down the country and in particular London's west end have been awash with these horrible productions for the past 20 years now, and there is no sign of them going away. The market is clearly oversaturated, so what do we need? ANOTHER ONE

But this is a good one. It is going to be a sophisticated production based on the lyrical genius that is HP Baxxter and his hardcore group- Scooter. Lennon & McCartney, Simon & Garfunkel, Bob Dylan- they have nothing on this lot when it comes to songwriting. And that gourami-faced Andrew Lloyd-Webber will have nothing on me after I turn the theatre world upside-down.

I've been joking about writing a Scooter musical for years (seeing as I have zero experience and qualifications in anything remotely linked to this shit) so one day it will happen. If you help me out, I'll give you all a cut of the gate at the Lyceum. I need some creative juices flowing to help, so far I have a handful of characters but not much else. So I beg you, the patrons of the UKFF, to assist me with what The Stage will one day refer to as 'the Phantom Of The Opera of its time'.



H.P. Baxxter


He's the hard rhymer, the track attacker, the mic enforcer, the chick's checker...HE IS THE LAW. HP is a local policeman based in Lundy, an island lying just north of Devon. He's a maverick- he's not afraid to break the rules but by god does he get results.


Michael & Etnik (the other members of Scooter)


HP's trusty lieutenants at LIPS (Lundy Island Police Service). Michael is secretly in love with Etnik and whilst Etnik feels the same, he is in denial and married. Him and his dull wife, Pat, own the only fish & chip shop on Lundy (it doesn't sell kebabs, because then it wouldn't be a fucking chippy, would it?) which is oddly named 'How Much Is The Fish?'.




Is it a bird, is it a plane? It must be Dave, who's on the train. They don't even have train tracks on Lundy Island, so nobody knows why the eccentric former bodybuilder has one and lives in it- let alone how the fuck he got it there in the first place. Dave bullshits a lot and claims he 'drove it there from Wales'. Still, despite his bizarre behaviour he has been a trusty informant for HP for years. Nobody knows his surname. He once auditioned to be part of the Sugarhill Gang.


Ice Cream Man


The Ice Cream Man is someone HP is extremely suspicious of. He believes the Ice Cream Man is using his van as a front to peddle the Swedish oral tobacco Snus, which has been banned in Lundy since the Snus Street Rolling Hills Wars of 1972, where HP's father - also a police officer - perished at the hands of the evil druglord Junior Baiano.


Garth Crooks


Have I shoe-horned Garth into this production for a cheap pop? Yes I have.


Edited by PunkStep
suck ur mum
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Instead of this going straight to DVD, can we have it go straight to Afterdark mix tapes / story cassettes?
Also, when it inevitably goes on a nationwide tour, can we please run the New Years special at Colosseum - Stockton, as a tribute to the absolutely banging N.Y.E party of 95/96?
It's a church these days, but if DS Ted Roach 'tour manager' has a word we can open up with a no alcohol license (won't be needed).


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The bouncers took your pills off you, let you in and then sold them back to you later. 

The video is mesmerising. I know 2 people who were there and keep trying to find them in the vid. Jaws doing kart wheels and the amount of gloves is spectacular.

Edited by Kaz Hayashi
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Switch off the lights.

**House lights off*

And close your eyes. Feel the energy. Inside.

Chilli bow.

Chilli bow.

Chilli bow...


(A lone electric guitarist performs the opening rift, with a small spotlight revealing him stage left.)

Curtain drops. The fire in question is the lead protagonist trying to extinguish a pan fire. 

Side note: The end goal for our band of heroes needs to be making a new life for themselves full of love, peace and unity, in Siberia (the place to be. Hallelujah!). Also the show needs an opening time of 3am. 

Edited by Fatty Facesitter
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3 hours ago, Kaz Hayashi said:

Probs worth getting some sponsors involved. Wouldn’t be a rave without Mitsi, Speckled Hens and Doves involvement. 


Outside of the fabled Rhubarb & Custards, Mitzis were the best pills I ever took back in the 90s.  Almost pure MDMA in retrospect.  Finding those were at a free party was a guarantee of a long evening.

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21 hours ago, PunkStep said:

He'sÔĽŅ a maverÔĽŅick- he'ÔĽŅs nÔĽŅot afraidÔĽŅ to bÔĽŅreÔĽŅak thÔĽŅe ruÔĽŅles

Will he travel 80mph on the motorway if, for example, he wants to get somewhere quickly?

Edited by scratchdj
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Brilliant. This will likely be the only musical to have Vick's vaporub under every seat in the theatre, and should by all accounts birth a burgeoning movement of similar efforts once trance starts to get recognised as classical music. 

I await with baited breath Kevin & Perry Go Musical and for the broadsheets to start asking: Sash or Chicane? 

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