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I HATE musicals that use the works of a successful artist or group and shoehorn them into a shitty little stage performance (apparently they're called Jukebox Musicals). Mama Mia and We Will Rock You are the most famous ones, but have you heard of Sunshine on Leitch (based on the works of The Proclaimers) or I Dreamed a Dream (the story of SUSAN BOYLE FFS)? Probably not. Venues up and down the country and in particular London's west end have been awash with these horrible productions for the past 20 years now, and there is no sign of them going away. The market is clearly oversaturated, so what do we need? ANOTHER ONE But this is a good one. It is going to be a sophisticated production based on the lyrical genius that is HP Baxxter and his hardcore group- Scooter. Lennon & McCartney, Simon & Garfunkel, Bob Dylan- they have nothing on this lot when it comes to songwriting. And that gourami-faced Andrew Lloyd-Webber will have nothing on me after I turn the theatre world upside-down. I've been joking about writing a Scooter musical for years (seeing as I have zero experience and qualifications in anything remotely linked to this shit) so one day it will happen. If you help me out, I'll give you all a cut of the gate at the Lyceum. I need some creative juices flowing to help, so far I have a handful of characters but not much else. So I beg you, the patrons of the UKFF, to assist me with what The Stage will one day refer to as 'the Phantom Of The Opera of its time'. CHARACTERS H.P. Baxxter He's the hard rhymer, the track attacker, the mic enforcer, the chick's checker...HE IS THE LAW. HP is a local policeman based in Lundy, an island lying just north of Devon. He's a maverick- he's not afraid to break the rules but by god does he get results. Michael & Etnik (the other members of Scooter) HP's trusty lieutenants at LIPS (Lundy Island Police Service). Michael is secretly in love with Etnik and whilst Etnik feels the same, he is in denial and married. Him and his dull wife, Pat, own the only fish & chip shop on Lundy (it doesn't sell kebabs, because then it wouldn't be a fucking chippy, would it?) which is oddly named 'How Much Is The Fish?'. DAVE Is it a bird, is it a plane? It must be Dave, who's on the train. They don't even have train tracks on Lundy Island, so nobody knows why the eccentric former bodybuilder has one and lives in it- let alone how the fuck he got it there in the first place. Dave bullshits a lot and claims he 'drove it there from Wales'. Still, despite his bizarre behaviour he has been a trusty informant for HP for years. Nobody knows his surname. He once auditioned to be part of the Sugarhill Gang. Ice Cream Man The Ice Cream Man is someone HP is extremely suspicious of. He believes the Ice Cream Man is using his van as a front to peddle the Swedish oral tobacco Snus, which has been banned in Lundy since the Snus Street Rolling Hills Wars of 1972, where HP's father - also a police officer - perished at the hands of the evil druglord Junior Baiano. Garth Crooks Have I shoe-horned Garth into this production for a cheap pop? Yes I have.