Paid Members IANdrewDiceClay Posted July 12, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted July 12, 2016 They're going to chop your dick off and feed it to Roy Keane's labrador if the result does go your way. You're playing Barcelona from 2009-11. Its going to be a bad situation if you cant get a win. You're going to have no cock for the rest of your days. Â So here's the thing. The devil or someone of that ilk has given you a job to put together a starting 11 of players since the Premier League began in 1992 up until present day. The catch is, you cant have any player who has previously won the Premiership. FA Cup is fine. Even the Champions League. As is the FA Cup. But not the Premier League. Â You're probably going to still have Mr Yamaguchi San get his sword out, since Barca were beasts in that era, but at least you'll be going down swinging. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merzbow Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 So no Dion Dublin? He has a winners medal even though he didn't earn it under the normal rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members IANdrewDiceClay Posted July 12, 2016 Author Paid Members Share Posted July 12, 2016 If you've just had your bits removed, do you really want to look at Dion Dublin sitting there in the communal bath? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merzbow Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 The fucker's putting his on the line too, might lose on purpose and get it transplanted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danlewis Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 Okay, this is the sort of thing that will keep me up all night having a dead good think.First team that comes to mind though is:Given  Petrescu Hierro King PearceGascoigneGerrardBeardsleyZolaMcManamanFerdinandSUBSJamesAlbertGinola Okocha WaddleFowlerProbably missed loads of obvious people out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members PunkStep Posted July 13, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted July 13, 2016 Well, Michael Owen has fucked this up because of his forgettable run at United. Thanks Michael, as if I didn't dislike you enough after you confessed you didn't like films.  Anyway, I'm quite confident this team has what it takes to beat the great Barca side of 2011. I think you can see part of my game plan from my line-up.  GK) David fucking James, I suppose CB) Koscielny CB) Carragher LB) Ben Thatcher (bear with me) RB) Sagna CM) Lee Cattermole CM) Gazza (in 1996 form, does that count?) CM) Gerrard FW) Kevin Davies FW) Bale FW) Torres Manager) Big Sam  Right. So in defence- the quickness of Kos, Carragher's ability to read the game and Sagna's discipline to get back takes out the threat of Villa and Pedro straight away, so no need to worry about them.  What about that Lionel chap you say? Well, enter Ben ' The Martyr' Thatcher. His sole job, which will take place inside the first minute, is to take a thirty yard run-up and deliver a running elbow smash that air_raid would cream over if it were on an AJPW tape to the Argentine dwarf. Straight red, take one for the team. But Messi is now stretchered off, and his replacement (Bojan) is shit.  So that's the attack taken care of, how about the midfield? Well, Xavi and Iniesta love to tap the ball to each other in little triangles but our Lee Cattermole likes to eat triangles and he eats them with his Puma King studs. He'll give the usual 'let em know I'm there' for 90 mins, helped by having nicked some of Barca's performance enhancing drugs beforehand to keep him going. Plus some viagra given to him by his Sunderland teammates. Midfield, bossed.  As for the defence- well, if Gazza, Gerrard, Bale and Torres can't unlock their mediocre defence, fortunately there is a plan B. Pass the ball back to David James at every opportunity and have him lump the ball forward as far as he can (Big Sam, as manager, will be able to coach this genius move down to a fine art). Every single time aim it at Kevin Davies, who leaps into the air like a gazelle (if gazelles were cunts) and absolutely clobbers anyone going up with him. Torres picks up the loose ball, and goal. The keeper is shit anyway seeing as he's spending his peak years at Middlesbrough, so I don't see a problem there.  So there you have it. Playing with 10 men for 89 mins yet a convincing 3-0 win. Piece of piss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members Gus Mears Posted July 13, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted July 13, 2016 GK: Kostas Chalkias LB: Ben Thatcher (never thought two of us would have that one!) CB: Tomas Repka CB: Ryan Shawcross RB: Frank Queudrue CM: Rory Delap CM: Dennis Wise CM: Lee Cattermole FW: Dirk Kuyt FW: Luis Suarez FW: John Fashanu   Right, I can't pick a team that will outplay Barca, but I'm confident that I have found one that will kick the shit into them. We've got workrate (Kuyt), we've got quality (Suarez), we've got Frank Queeueueueueudurue playing out of position.  Chalkias was a Portsmouth second string goalkeeper, but he was the biggest one I could think of not named Pantamillion (who won the league with City). When we go a goal down, the plan is to play' rush goallie' and bung the 5,6 Dennis Wise in goal in favour of Chalkias. We then flood the box with lobs up front until it goes in.  I think these lads would have a good shot if we play with a proper English ref, not one of these poncey foreign lot. If we do look like we're going to lose, my plan is to get John Fashanu to threaten them with a post-match shower bumming. I reckon Pique and Mascherano will shit their lungs out when Delap winds up the long throw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members tiger_rick Posted July 13, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted July 13, 2016 Shaka Hislop Stephen Carr - Phillipe Albert - Slaven Bilic - Andy Dawson Steven Gerrard - Xabi Alonso - Aaron Ramsey Luis Suarez - Jurgen Klinsmann - Gareth Bale  Sub: Les Ferdinand  Seriously, top that motherfuckers. Not a lot of steel in that midfield but it's Barca, so we're gonna press them and then when we get the ball we can play. If there's a chance falling in the box, we're taking it, absolutely guaranteed. I feel bad about not getting Big Les in so he's sub. We can play out from the back brilliantly.  I struggled to think of a left back so I went for my favourite. I'm the manager, of course I pick fucking favourites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members PunkStep Posted July 13, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted July 13, 2016 I was so close to putting Les in my team until I remembered Torres used to be good for a bit. And I completely forgot about Suarez. Still, he wouldn't get a look-in over Kevin Davies mind. Â I did originally have Le Tis in there, but having to play with 10 men the entire game meant I couldn't have him sitting around waiting for the ball to land at his feet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Really Big Shoe Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 GK David James LB Stuart Pearce CB Carragher RB Vinnie Jones RW Ginola CM Stevie G CM Gazza (1996 Era) LW Bale FW Suarez FW Torres FW Klinsmann  Manager Terry Venables  I've got Vinnie at right back as a hachet man and to rough up Messi and co. Id incorporate the Crazy Gang spirit to shake Barca up before a ball was kicked. Psycho banging on the dressing room wall and Vin acting nutty. I'd play just 3 at the back, 4 in midfield and 3 up front. So A very attacking formation.I was going with Keegan as Boss but El Tel has trophy winning experience and got the best out of Gazza since Sir Bobby. So yeah that's my team. Tons of flair with Ginola, Gazza with his moments of brilliance, hard men in the team I think Barca wouldn't even bother coming out of the tunnel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KingofSports Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 3-5-2 Hugo LlorisJerome BoatengJavier MascheranoMarcel DesaillyDimitri PayetXabi AlonsoLuca ModricGareth BaleGianfranco ZolaLuis SuarezJurgen Klinsmann  Sub's: Paulo DiCanio, Luca Vialli, Toby Alderweireld, Hector Bellerin, Paul Gascoigne, Stephen Gerrard, Jussi Jaaskelainen.  Manager: Paul Ellering w/ Rocco. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members PunkStep Posted July 14, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted July 14, 2016 I think having Mascherano is cheating, he can't play for both teams! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KingofSports Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 He wasn't playing for Barcelona in 2009 or the bulk of 2010 & the Barcelona team hasn't been specified. Too bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paid Members PunkStep Posted July 14, 2016 Paid Members Share Posted July 14, 2016 Ian said 2009-2011, he played in the Champions League final for them in 2011. You'll have to have Ben Thatcher instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KingofSports Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Yeah, well that idea's a bit flawed anyway isn't it? I had him 2009 & 2010, Barca'll just have to do with out - prior claim & all that. Anyway, If I managed to crowbar Jerome fucking Boateng in there, surely you can't expect me not to have more tricks up my sleeve? Push comes to shove, put Alderweireld in there instead. Â You wanna be careful, Arsenal fans are getting a rep for whingeing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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