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Kevin Pressman wants to save your penis.


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They're going to chop your dick off and feed it to Roy Keane's labrador if the result does go your way. You're playing Barcelona from 2009-11. Its going to be a bad situation if you cant get a win. You're going to have no cock for the rest of your days.


So here's the thing. The devil or someone of that ilk has given you a job to put together a starting 11 of players since the Premier League began in 1992 up until present day. The catch is, you cant have any player who has previously won the Premiership. FA Cup is fine. Even the Champions League. As is the FA Cup. But not the Premier League.


You're probably going to still have Mr Yamaguchi San get his sword out, since Barca were beasts in that era, but at least you'll be going down swinging.

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Okay, this is the sort of thing that will keep me up all night having a dead good think.

First team that comes to mind though is:













Probably missed loads of obvious people out. 

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Well, Michael Owen has fucked this up because of his forgettable run at United. Thanks Michael, as if I didn't dislike you enough after you confessed you didn't like films.


Anyway, I'm quite confident this team has what it takes to beat the great Barca side of 2011. I think you can see part of my game plan from my line-up.


GK) David fucking James, I suppose

CB) Koscielny

CB) Carragher

LB) Ben Thatcher (bear with me)

RB) Sagna

CM) Lee Cattermole

CM) Gazza (in 1996 form, does that count?)

CM) Gerrard

FW) Kevin Davies

FW) Bale

FW) Torres

Manager) Big Sam


Right. So in defence- the quickness of Kos, Carragher's ability to read the game and Sagna's discipline to get back takes out the threat of Villa and Pedro straight away, so no need to worry about them.


What about that Lionel chap you say? Well, enter Ben ' The Martyr' Thatcher. His sole job, which will take place inside the first minute, is to take a thirty yard run-up and deliver a running elbow smash that air_raid would cream over if it were on an AJPW tape to the Argentine dwarf. Straight red, take one for the team. But Messi is now stretchered off, and his replacement (Bojan) is shit.


So that's the attack taken care of, how about the midfield? Well, Xavi and Iniesta love to tap the ball to each other in little triangles but our Lee Cattermole likes to eat triangles and he eats them with his Puma King studs. He'll give the usual 'let em know I'm there' for 90 mins, helped by having nicked some of Barca's performance enhancing drugs beforehand to keep him going. Plus some viagra given to him by his Sunderland teammates. Midfield, bossed.


As for the defence- well, if Gazza, Gerrard, Bale and Torres can't unlock their mediocre defence, fortunately there is a plan B. Pass the ball back to David James at every opportunity and have him lump the ball forward as far as he can (Big Sam, as manager, will be able to coach this genius move down to a fine art). Every single time aim it at Kevin Davies, who leaps into the air like a gazelle (if gazelles were cunts) and absolutely clobbers anyone going up with him. Torres picks up the loose ball, and goal. The keeper is shit anyway seeing as he's spending his peak years at Middlesbrough, so I don't see a problem there.


So there you have it. Playing with 10 men for 89 mins yet a convincing 3-0 win. Piece of piss.

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GK: Kostas Chalkias

LB: Ben Thatcher (never thought two of us would have that one!)

CB: Tomas Repka

CB: Ryan Shawcross

RB: Frank Queudrue

CM: Rory Delap

CM: Dennis Wise

CM: Lee Cattermole

FW: Dirk Kuyt

FW: Luis Suarez

FW: John Fashanu



Right, I can't pick a team that will outplay Barca, but I'm confident that I have found one that will kick the shit into them. We've got workrate (Kuyt), we've got quality (Suarez), we've got Frank Queeueueueueudurue playing out of position.


Chalkias was a Portsmouth second string goalkeeper, but he was the biggest one I could think of not named Pantamillion (who won the league with City). When we go a goal down, the plan is to play' rush goallie' and bung the 5,6 Dennis Wise in goal in favour of Chalkias. We then flood the box with lobs up front until it goes in.


I think these lads would have a good shot if we play with a proper English ref, not one of these poncey foreign lot. If we do look like we're going to lose, my plan is to get John Fashanu to threaten them with a post-match shower bumming. I reckon Pique and Mascherano will shit their lungs out when Delap winds up the long throw.

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Shaka Hislop

Stephen Carr - Phillipe Albert - Slaven Bilic - Andy Dawson

Steven Gerrard - Xabi Alonso - Aaron Ramsey

Luis Suarez - Jurgen Klinsmann - Gareth Bale


Sub: Les Ferdinand


Seriously, top that motherfuckers. Not a lot of steel in that midfield but it's Barca, so we're gonna press them and then when we get the ball we can play. If there's a chance falling in the box, we're taking it, absolutely guaranteed. I feel bad about not getting Big Les in so he's sub. We can play out from the back brilliantly.


I struggled to think of a left back so I went for my favourite. I'm the manager, of course I pick fucking favourites.

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I was so close to putting Les in my team until I remembered Torres used to be good for a bit. And I completely forgot about Suarez. Still, he wouldn't get a look-in over Kevin Davies mind.


I did originally have Le Tis in there, but having to play with 10 men the entire game meant I couldn't have him sitting around waiting for the ball to land at his feet.

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GK David James

LB Stuart Pearce

CB Carragher

RB Vinnie Jones

RW Ginola

CM Stevie G

CM Gazza (1996 Era)

LW Bale

FW Suarez

FW Torres

FW Klinsmann


Manager Terry Venables


I've got Vinnie at right back as a hachet man and to rough up Messi and co. Id incorporate the Crazy Gang spirit to shake Barca up before a ball was kicked. Psycho banging on the dressing room wall and Vin acting nutty. I'd play just 3 at the back, 4 in midfield and 3 up front. So A very attacking formation.I was going with Keegan as Boss but El Tel has trophy winning experience and got the best out of Gazza since Sir Bobby. So yeah that's my team. Tons of flair with Ginola, Gazza with his moments of brilliance, hard men in the team I think Barca wouldn't even bother coming out of the tunnel.

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Hugo Lloris

Jerome Boateng
Javier Mascherano
Marcel Desailly

Dimitri Payet
Xabi Alonso
Luca Modric
Gareth Bale
Gianfranco Zola

Luis Suarez
Jurgen Klinsmann


Sub's: Paulo DiCanio, Luca Vialli, Toby Alderweireld, Hector Bellerin, Paul Gascoigne, Stephen Gerrard, Jussi Jaaskelainen.


Manager: Paul Ellering w/ Rocco.

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Yeah, well that idea's a bit flawed anyway isn't it? I had him 2009 & 2010, Barca'll just have to do with out - prior claim & all that. Anyway, If I managed to crowbar Jerome fucking Boateng in there, surely you can't expect me not to have more tricks up my sleeve? Push comes to shove, put Alderweireld in there instead.


You wanna be careful, Arsenal fans are getting a rep for whingeing.

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