UKFF Awards: Post of the Year 2015

[HarmonicGenerator]

LAST YEAR'S WINNER: 'THE ROUGH BOOK' BY JNLISTER (link appears to be dead… tiger_rick, keeper of the UKFF Award Archives, help!)

 

 

The nominations in the Post of the Year thread in Off Topic have been collated, and they are all available to read in multiple posts below. Give them all another read. Which is your pick?

 

 

Air Raid on trying to fix current WWE (or not), November: https://ukff.com/topic/133540-the-official-ukff-raw-thread/?p=2961476

 

This question about working with the old guard has provided me with my answer for that "what can be done to fix the current product" question ; you can't fix it to a satisfactory degree now, that's locking the stable door after the horse has bolted. All you can do now is build for the future. If you're excluding Cena because they can't keep going back to him and Lesnar because "part time champion" was a one off they don't have the depth to do again, you've got a scenario where your main event scene is populated almost exclusively by guys that haven't been prepared properly (or at all) to be accepted in the main event - and Sheamus. I say "and Sheamus" because he at least has a couple of runs with the title, if people can remember that long ago, and even though they were short and unremarkable runs like Del Rio had.

 

Historically, succession planning has pulled off to a decent level, or at least followed through on, so SOMEONE was in place for when the incumbents were moved on. Guys were made ready for the main event scene by being positioned against the existing main eventers and allowed to look competitive or beat them, before they were actually put into the pole position. By the time Steve Austin was put into the box seat, he's spent the previous 12 months being put in the ring with Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker and being made to look strong. Bret could only beat him by flash pin and the WrestleMania 13 stoppage (the best any wrestler has ever been allowed to look in defeat, ever) and in their final PPV meeting at In Your House, Bret needed interference to save him from a defeat. Shawn was not able to beat him. Taker could only beat him due to shenanigans. Austin was made to look on their level and after Canadian Stampede, nobody was permitted to pin him on TV. Steve Austin was made to look a winner, and once he was moved into the main event spot, he was never out of it.

 

When John Cena and Batista were put into the main event scene, they each had significant leg-ups from the stars of the time. By the time John Cena was put into main events, he'd worked competitive PPV matches with Brock Lesnar, Kurt Angle and Taker, and just beaten Angle cleanly on PPV the month before getting the belt. In the next 12 months he was working with Kurt again and Shawn Michaels before putting properly over by Hunter at Mania 22, during which time they'd transitioned into using HIM to elevate Edge. Batista was organically moved into the spot by crowd reaction and the storyline in which the fans accepted that he could beat Triple H, so all it took was a really strong showing in the Elimination Chamber then the Rumble win, and he was made. The fact he then beat Hunter in two subsequent occasions (including decisively in the Cell) further established dominance, then (regardless of my opinion of him) the guy with the longest WWE title reign in ten years to his name, JBL, was twatted by Dave, further embellishing his credentials. As soon as he was back from injury he was back smashing anyone below him on the food chain and reinserted straight back into the main event scene, going for the Big Gold Belt and later winning THE title a couple of times. Once Cena and Batista were made into main eventers, they never looked back. They got it right with Orton second time round because by the time he finally got back to the peak in 2007 and won the WWE title, he'd already been in the ring with (and beating) guys like Undertaker and Kurt Angle, and even though he had to tread water for a while, you knew that by the time he was actually made champion, people were ready to accept it. And by and large, he's never really looked back either. He hasn't always been ON TOP, but he's been directly underneath and credible back in that position as champion whenever they've needed him.

 

Today, it's too late for anyone to get the rub properly from Cena, Orton, Batista or even Hunter. They got away with it with Daniel Bryan, miraculously and in spite of themselves, because over a short amount of time he was competing with AND BEATING all four of them. People believed in him, but he's been the exception. Nobody else has truly benefited from a run with Batista, Cena or Orton because of the holding pattern that emerged with how they have treated people lower down the ladder. Think of your Kofi Kingston, who was allowed to beat Orton in a Survivors match but was back to being a scrub once Orton put him in his place month later, or your regular pattern of how they think Cena should be used, from Barratt to Miz to Del Rio to Ziggler to Wyatt to Owens - your potential new star is allowed to win a token match over Cena, loses the feud in the end, then goes straight back into the midcard to carry on feuding with your other midcarders and three months later perception of where they are goes right back to what it was before they were pointed at John Cena. This is partially because there's nowhere else to go - Steve Austin was able to run with Bret, Shawn and Taker before he stood atop the mountain. Mick Foley had Taker, Austin and Rocky to build him. They didn't act while they had the hot hand - you only needed a couple of guys to have decent runs with Batista, Orton and Cena while all three were the brightest shining stars and they'd have, by this point, established main event stars to help establish Owens, Wyatt, Rusev, Ambrose and Reigns. Of course, they've been a bit hamstrung by Edge retiring and Punk leaving in a huff, but they've trod water ever since and half arsed a bunch of other attempts to make starts of Miz and Swagger then getting bored and giving up, trying to get Del Rio and Ziggler over as main eventers feuding them with each other over the secondary World title... there's a litany of examples. Your anamoly was CM Punk, who had all the stars line up for him - working with Cena, his contract expiring and the freedom to work it into a storyline, the climactic show being in Chicago, and an enormous fanbase of giddy dorks behind him. As I say - total anamoly.

 

In a nutshell, what I'm getting at, is it's 1992. Reigns is going to be Bret. He doesn't have Hogan or Warrior to give him a leg up. He's got to work with the Shawns and Razors who aren't really main eventers yet, and we're going to struggle for anything that looks like a proper main event for a while unless they panic and put Hogan back in (By Hogan, I either mean "Hogan as metaphor for Cena" or my preferred choice - ACTUAL Hogan). They've got to hope they stumble into a Yokozuna, or just persevere with Roman in the knowledge that in the future, he'll become established through sheer consistency, and eventually you might get someone come through with him like Shawn did with Bret. Ambrose, perhaps. The present's fucked, start thinking future. Pick your direction, go with it, and stick with it.

 

 

 

 

Butch becomes The Genius, January: https://ukff.com/topic/135733-hall-of-fame-2015/?p=2893116

 

The Genius has a poem for us all.

 

Randy was my brother,

Elizabeth was his dame,

And here we all are tonight to do what isn't lame,

We've come from all over, from Paris to New England's Maine.

We're here to put Roy Wood from Wizzard in the Hall of Fame.

 

He was born a strapping lad,

an Italian-American Jew,

So as we keep that heritage in mind,

Dr Death, alive, this would offend you.

 

His father was Angelo,

the world's cheapest man,

He'd have rather given me away,

than give that grand to a fan.

 

Randy's athleticism was plain for all to see,

but not enough to suck his own cock, like his brother, me.

 

He played in the minor leagues, for the Cinncinati Reds,

but at Baseball he was fair shit, so he went into wrestling instead.

Angelo made his own fed and pushed us to the moon,

Randy wrestling Ronnie Garvin every fucking night, and promoing like a loon.

 

But this fed was an outlaw, and from elsewhere we we blackballed,

and from a store he shoplifted steaks, and the local papers LOLed.

But while we were there he met a rat, an average girl called Liz.

She presented our TV, had loads of work done, then was worth a Jizz.

 

Liz should be inducted herself, with her beloved Lex,

When he was done for battery I thought it was Lee Chapman's rough sex,

Angelo's fed had a roster of 8, and one of them were blind,

so it's not too much a surprise, we were accured by the Jarrett's sharp mind.

 

Good old Randy feuded with the King, then he teamed with him too,

but unfortunately he left before he got to triple team Miss Texas in the loo.

But Jeff Jarrett did and so did Lawler, they had jungle fever,

as in that Tennesee shower room JC Ice saw them pound her beaver

 

He turned on the King and lost a match,

It was a "Loser leaves town",

however he was off to New York,

Where he'd snort a lot more coke down.

 

It was the year 85 at first he did arrive,

loyally he took me, like a boil on his behind.

 

He also took Liz, a valet who'd harden a fan's cock,

Although she never got to fuck Beefcake, as her dressing room door Mach would lock.

In hardly anytime at all he was the secondary champion,

could John Lister clarify this, but was it seen on Grampian?

He beat Tito Santana, a firey Mexican sort...

But he was boring.

 

Later on, for all to see, he'd take a mouthful from a hairy bald headed beast

but enough about homeless cock (NSFW - https://images.encyc...ss_at_night.jpg ) against George Steele his legend increased.

 

Wrestlemania 2, then Saturday Night's special, the ref was Dean Malenko, probably wanting to wrestle.

Steele couldn't get it done, so he found a new contender. A lad who looked dead Chinese, and with his kid was Tender.

The match was at number 3, in front of loads of people,

Steamboat says the match was shit, as it was planned and to him that's fecal.

 

Al Snow moans about it too, but quite frankly fuck him,

and in a famous epic match, Steamboat got the pin.

Next he had a turn to good, v a man who'd Honky Tonk,

All because he'd wanted to play a tune upon ol' Randy's conk.

 

The feud was heated, but isn't it strange that Savage the babyface,

still treated Liz like a slave, perhaps of a darker race.

Honky had some special friends managed byJimmy Hart,

one had a stroke and the other's on crack, and Randy's wig they tried to part.

 

But Liz the rat got a man, and Randy brushed with greatness

His name was Mr Hogan, and Liz admired his straightness.

For she knew way back when he was hung like a flask,

as he threw it up Liz and Linda. He only had to ask.

 

Mr Hogan and Randy formed a team called the Mega Powers,

Randy would wonder were Liz was, when gone at the small hours.

Randy won the title, all thanks to his better Hulk,

a man well hung and orange, and with tremendous bulk.

 

But as time went on Randy's thoughts played amongst his head,

"Is my Superior Hogan making a play for my Liz's bed?"

His jealousy drove him insane, and on Hogan's blood he'd dine,

but when they met at Donald Trump's plaza Lord Hogan handled him fine.

 

No longer with a belt, Liz would fuck off too,

probably to the "Private Club" with Lady Hogan as she'd do.

But Savage was a noble man and soon he became King,

Beating Jim Duggan, although it didn't really mean a thing.

 

By this point his brother, me, became a Genius,

I managed Mr Perfect, beat Lord Hogan, and self-fellated like Ouroboros.

The King soon had another foe, a fat fuck common man,

clad in polka and rolls of fat, he looked to have a washing ban.

 

Liz returned to much applause, and on Piss-smell Polka's arm!

Along with a fat black woman, not Kong no cause for alarm.

The match they had in Toronto, to call it shit would be je jeune.

Let's just say the highlight was a future dub having Polka enter to the theme off Wheel of Fortune.

 

The fat man's team won, Randy took them lightly,

but he beat him in the summer event and that was pretty much it for 90.

In 91 he wanted more, to again hold up the belt,

but a right wing nutjob on steroids held it, and Randy played an ace he was dealt.

 

Randy was not alone, his queen was called Sherri,

and she pretty much fellated the nutjob on the Rumble PPV.

Pretty much however isn't the whole way, and the nutjob did say no,

to Sherri's question of a title shot, which Randy thought a low blow.

 

Later on that evening, nutjob wrestled the Sarge,

a compulsive liar who bumped as big as his chin was large.

Nutjob had it under control, and looked about to win,

Til Randy off his tits on coke with a scepter did run in.

 

The nutjob meant the title, and wanted sweet revenge,

"This town ain't big enough for us both" he cried,  "My loss I shall avenge"

So in a bout they did meet, the loser must retire.

The ex-Liz watching from the crowd, emotion couldn't be hire.

 

They had a classic, let's be fair,

but the story of the match was not the physical affair.

Instead at the end, Randy's hand was not raised,

however Liz ran in, filled in Sherri, and Savage won Fair Maid.

 

Now they were back together, and the fans they did applaud,

and they decided to get married, an idea all adored.

They danced to together, and made the family proud,

until Crack addict Jake turned up when he was not allowed.

 

Perhaps a bit of an overreaction to not being invited to a wedding,

as later on, during Superstars, Randy was bitten off a cobra not shedding.

Savage petitioned Ol' jack Tunney to let him please come back,

While behind the scenes all was not good as Hulk and Linda did Liz's crack.

 

Jake the Snake was overcome in early 92,

he ended up doing even more drugs, online fleecing marks for a bob or two.

But a new champion was strutting around saying he'd had Liz first,

a horse nosed alcoholic, for the ladies with a thirst.

 

They met at Wrestlemania VIII in one of the matches of the night,

but because Randy planned it out Ric thinks it a little shite,

Randy won his title back and Liz's honour proctected,

Unfortunately she went off TV then for their divorce, dunno if it was projected.

 

He wrestled Ric here and there, and nutjob in London too,

but he was really winding down in 1992.

Vince wanted new young stars, and Savage was older than Hogan,

not to mention steroid testing, so he'd wrestle with a shirt on.

 

Savage announced and was still there till 1994,

but in the ring he passion lay and felt he could give more.

So he phoned his good friend Hulk who knew an Easy E,

he paid Randy lots of money, and had to hire me, Yippee!

 

So to Atlanta he did go, ready to contend,

and when he got there he would drink with Hogan his good friend.

Easy E would let them drink backstage, a backstage that was hell,

due to an atmosphere less than professional.

 

1995 came and it was time for Slamboree,

Randy had an idea, which was loved by dad and me.

 

Angelo was a wrestler,

of little mainstream renown,

and as Randy politicked him into the Hall of Fame,

Gordon Solie had to frown.

Solie by then was shite and a drunk,

but also by then he'd been 'round the game longer than Terry Funk.

So Solie threw a UKFF, and decided he would announce he'd leave.

The WCW mods deleted his account, and older fans did grieve.

 

Savage also got his hands on Ted Turners' top title,

winning a battle royal as Lord Hogan whined, and this reign was truly vital.

As took on Flair around the horn, and Ric was with rat Liz!

A feud that finally drew money on the road, it really was the Biz.

So with WCW's house show's saved, Savage was near the top.

However, Lord Hogan returned, evil, and beat Savage like a Ferguson Cop.

 

Hogan and friends were the nWo,

and to the gold club they'd all go.

Treated well there, time of their lives,

as DDP and his neighbour would publicly share their wives.

 

If you can't beat em join em, and Savage turned to Black,

and turned on by his edge, Liz's love for him was back.

Not to be libellious, but the rest of this is anyway,

I wonder if they also went the Gold Club, to swing away the day?

 

Savage had tremendous tussles with aforementioned DDP,

a man 67 years old, always wondered what his wife saw in him, me.

Battle they did for most of 97, but in 98 they'd not.

For Randy joined the wolfpac and then his knee did rot.

 

Savage was out of most of a year, and needed to wile his time,

so he went into strip clubs and found a lady fine.

Young Stephanie her name was, a name that was familar,

perhaps he'd slept with one before? And was close with her familia?

 

Stephanie the stripper became Gorgeous George, and see gave teens a stiffy,

a stiffy lost in 2014 when she'd FB Msg a handsome man, lonely,tearful and with no money.

But this was back in 99, before young childhoods were pissed on,

So if I was asked to give marks out of two? I'd certainly have give her one.

 

So in 99 he came back, with the lovely George in tow,

Off his bones on steroids his match quality was low.

In fact he only seemed to come back for like 4 or 5 months,

but enough for a title reign and to have three valet's muffs.

 

Then he went away again, only surfacing in spring 2000.

And that was for a one shot, but his pop was real not canned.

Still, off he went to a life away, away from the business.

And now that Hogan wasn't making him money, in Randy's eyes he was shitness.

 

Savage was ghetto, so he'd do a rap.

He called out Hulk to be a man, and called him full of crap.

Then in 2004, for big money, he went to TNA.

But he who needs to "Be a Man" was the real winner that day.

 

For Handy Randy had a fear, and this fear was known.

It was that Hulk, who's "not a man", would show up at the impact zone.

So Rapping Randy, had conditions or would not be there at all,

He was scared Hogan would beat his arse, so he insisted on guards Crush and 8-Ball.

 

But it was all for naught as Savage only did two shots.

According to Polka, if he couldn't give it all he rather then would not.

So credit where due, for knowing when to quit,

Just like his heart when it did causing him a tree to hit.

 

But joking apart, he really was great,

and it's a shame to induct him as he's described as "late".

And really, the worst thing about this, do you know?

It meant for years we had to suffer Punk's fucking awful top rope elbow.

 

 

 

 

Air Raid is nice about Mark Henry, March: https://ukff.com/topic/136018-if-you-cant-say-anything-nice-a-challenge-thread/page-4#entry2908834

I got Mark Henry which is wholly unfair because the awesomely handsome bloke that picked for me knows that I love him.

 

Mizark's entire WWF career reads like the CV of one of the greatest Sports Entertainers of all time. His appearance at SummerSlam 1996 set his stall out early, making his entrance to Stars And Stripes Forever, which lifted the spirits of everyone watching what had, to that point, been a rather underwhelming show. That tune alone reminded everyone of the brilliance of both 'Murica itself, and of Lex Luger - a real one-two of warm fuzziness if ever you could imagine one. But this non-wrestling appearance was mere foreplay from the future "Sexual Chocolate" - at Mind Games, wrestling The King, he made the best debut of any wrestler in WWF history. Everything about his package was designed to please, from the catchiness of his entrance theme (which is amazing to do aerobics to, if you're working on a Henry-like physique yourself) to the splendour of his outfit. I mean, look at this :

 

 

This is the best ensemble you'll ever see. He's wearing a shell jacket to remind you of the best decade of all time, the 80s. He's wearing your grandad's hat except it's been coloured like 'Murica which your grandad would never have worn himself, because he (probably) isn't/wasn't 'Murican. But it's great because it reminds you of your grandad, unless you were too young to remember your grandad, like me. Best of all, his outfit is a glorious prototype of the attire later sported by Kurt Angle, widely regarded as one of the best of all time. Plus, he jogged to the ring in a manner not seen since the Ultimate Warrior. In the match itself Mark was utterly dominant and scored a CLEAN win over a Hall Of Famer, putting our man in an elite category of wrestlers such as Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan and everyone who ever beat Koko B Ware. Better yet, after the match Mark made inductees into the future Hall Of Pain out of the New And Improved Rockers and Triple H, one of the most decorated World Champions in the history of Our Great Sport. Plus, the New And Improved Rockers, with Leif Cassidy, were Improved and thus better than the Rockers with Shawn Michaels in. So, in his first night as a regular in-ring competitor, you have - beat up Triple H, beat up a guy better than Shawn Michaels, inspired Kurt Angle, and managed to remind you of Ultimate Warrior AND your grandad. Most people don't achieve in a whole career what Mark Henry did on this one night.

 

1997-1998 was a period of much transition in Mark's fledgling career - injury robbed us of his burgeoning talent for many months, but when he returned he made a startling impact, flattening Ken Shamrock - THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS MAN, remember - in joining the trend-setting faction of monster heels, the Nation Of Domination. I feel it's fair to say that while everybody else likes to wax lyrical about The Four Horsemen, they most definitely did NOT achieve what Mark's Nation did. The Nation really was fertile wrestling compost from which glorious careers sprouted, like beautiful wrestling weeds. Think about it ; Tully and Arn were never the World Champion and Fat Barry doesn't count because he only beat Muta, not a proper champion from proper wrestling. The Nation produced a near-endless procession of dominant World Heavyweight Champions ; Farooq (whose WCW title reigns years earlier still count), THE ROCK, our man Mark Henry (whose 2011 reign was definitely a direct consequence of his involvement in the Nation), and D'Lo Brown, who while technically never a World Champion, definitely counts because of how good we all agree he was. By my count, that makes the score Nation 4, Horsemen 1. And that's if you count Flair, because I'm not sure everyone does. More importantly, during his run in the Nation, Mark got to adorn his brilliant head with another outstanding hat :

 

 

I know what you're thinking, but you don't have to say it ; it's OBVIOUS that Mark wears it best. Also during the Attitude Era, Mark proved he was the bravest wrestler in company history by engaging in a completely non-ironic romantic pursuit of Chyna, and then later got it on with a trans woman called Sammy, during a spell where Mark portrayed a sex addict in a gentle rib on all of us, for being addicted to HIM. In an era where open-mindedness about orientation and gender identity was not what it is today, Mark was truly ahead of his time, proving that love (or even good old-fashioned lust) does not need labels. Mark was the prototype for Be A Star - it's fair to say without his attitude to sexuality being SO far outside the box, we would not have had such progressive storylines as HLA, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Billy, and Mickie James licking her hand after frotting Trish's muff. This is when Mark Henry's status as "game-changer" was truly cemented.

 

For the sake of brevity, my summary of 1999-2011 will be fairly straight-forward. Mark built a solid career of consistently not-shit performances which would shame many current members of the Hall Of Fame, including winning the prestigious European title by cunningly allowing Jeff Jarrett to give it to him, bending a frying pan, building the reputation of "The Next Big Thing" Brock Lesnar by selflessly allowing the latter to twat him, being an important part of the best Survivors match of all time - wrongly attributed to the performance of Shawn Michaels - in 2003 where Team Austin were heroically dispatched by Team Henry, and doing the impossible at the 2006 Royal Rumble by managing to follow the best Rumble of all time with a scientific masterclass against his protege, Kurt Angle. Henry guaranteed his Hall Of Fame status by setting records for turning between babyface and heel, each time being as loved or hated as he previously had been hated or loved, depending. Most importantly it was during this period that Mark on occasion had no hair, showing the world his magnificent bowling ball head in all its glory.

 

 

I defy you to NOT look at it.

 

Fast forwarding to The Hall Of Pain, Mark re-defined Sports Entertainment with an outstanding display of aggression, which in the expert opinion of your author, was chock-full of matches which I'm told were really really good. Indeed, "Hall Of Pain" itself was a gentle rib from upstairs, reminding Mark that there is a wing in the ACTUAL Hall Of Fame waiting for him, but that they can't actually put you in the Hall Of Fame until you're definitely never wrestling again, like they did with Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart and Ric Flair. But I digress. If there's one thing that everyone enjoys more than Mark Henry matches or Big Show matches, it's Mark Henry VS Big Show matches, and Mark established his dominance in the companys oldest (and thus most-loved) rivalry by injuring Show and putting him out of action. Soon after he crushed Randy Orton to the delight of everyone who hates chinlocks, to win the World Heavyweight title and embark on a reign so long and glorious that I truly can't remember exactly how long it was or how it ended. Oh wait.... it was Daniel Bryan related, wasn't it. FUCK Daniel Bryan. He isn't the Strongest Man In The World. He isn't even the strongest man in his marriage.

 

Eventually we come to the greatest year in Mark's career.... 2013. At the Elimination Chamber, Mark entered not just one of the best performances in the history of wrestling but arguably in the history of horror too, stomping around his chamber like a caged, rabid grizzly. Truly, a monstrous display of pent up frustration as we all sat on the edge of our seats or clinging tightly onto our duvet covers, waiting patiently for the bulbous brown bell to metaphorically spew out his hot rage jism. Mark entered the ring with a vengeance, saving us from the tedium that had been the match under the sole control of the "better wrestlers." He splattered everyone in the ring, and in a travesty of justice, was only permitted to pin Daniel Bryan and Kane before the other wrestlers had to unite to ONLY JUST eliminate him.

 

 

Fuck you, Daniel Bryan!

 

Beyond the Chamber, Mark did the impossible by defeating the unbeatable and unbeaten The Ryback at WrestleMania XXIX in a textbook display of the "human game of chess" by negating Ryback's explosive style by forcing the match to grind to a screeching half. Seriously lads ; Bret Hart himself could not have excellently executed a strategy better. Henry outsmarted Ryback by gradually, patiently BEING A BETTER WRESTLER than him, before The Ryback collapsed from boredom and found himself counted down for the 3.

 

Into the summer, Mark entered his Academy-worthy performance in his fake retirement speech, sucking us all into believing that he was about to call time on the greatest career of all time. There are a plethora of fake-retirement swerves that can absolutely suck Mark Henry's colossal balls (making sure to avoid, in the words of my favourite author, his "clanging brown bell"). I mean come on, if Halle Berry won an Oscar for Monster's Ball, Mizark deserves one for his Monster Balls. By which I mean, the sheer bollocks it took to deliver such a convincing performance and make the usually cool-as-a-cucumber John Cena look foolish for the first time in his career. The match itself at Money In The Bank was sheer dynamite and without doubt, the best match of John Cena's career. Without doubt. There's not even a shadow of a doubt, or even a d. I will stick my neck out here and say it was also the best match of Mark's run, but to be honest, it's taken me all day to make that decision. I've been musing on it all day, taking almost as long to decide as I do over which to eat first from a box of Celebrations, even though it's clearly the Galaxy Truffle.

 

We may be entering TL;DR territory here, and I know when it's time to quit, just as Mark hopefully and obviously NEVER will, but sufficed to say that Mark's most recent forays have kept us all on the edge of our seat, with Henry selflessly using the name value he clearly still has to give an invaluable rub to the otherwise hopeless Rusev, before another unpredictable heel turn and exciting series with The Big Show - forever the oversized Ricky Steamboat to Mark's huge black Flair. And I need to remind you, Steamboat never did a top rope elbowdrop with the grace of Big Show!

 

Ladies and Gentlemen......... Mark Henry. Innovator, trend-setter, record-breaker, hat-wearer, possessor of the Worlds Strongest Slam, shiniest head and biggest testicles. Cornerstone of WWE, president of the Hall Of Pain, threat to the stability of my sexual orientation, and all-round beast.

 

"Somebody gonna get their quilt flipped
Somebody gonna get their hair clipped
Somebody gonna get their bird preened
Somebody gonna get their room cleaned"

© Cucked By Menry (2012)

 

 

 

p.s. I genuinely DID love his performances in the Elimination Chamber and the build to MITB '13, and the match. Seriously.

 

Edited January 1, 2016 by HarmonicGenerator

[HarmonicGenerator]

The nominees, continued:

 

 

Undefeated Steak on Slapnut's hair, October: https://ukff.com/topic/127758-the-post-a-pic-of-yourself-thread-v2/?p=2955814

 

Barber: What ya having?
Slapnut: I'll have a WWE Share Price.

Barber: Ok mate

 

 

 

Sorry, Slapnut!

 

 

 

 

Astro Hollywood fantasy books EastEnders, February: https://ukff.com/topic/135912-soap-storylines-youd-like-to-see/?p=2902621and  https://ukff.com/topic/135912-soap-storylines-youd-like-to-see/?p=2902643

 

I always wished Eastenders had tried a supernatural angle. You could have Ian Beale attacked by a mystery assailant in the middle of the night by Arthur's Bench, which leads to him feeling strange and achy, and finding himself naked on the roof of the Arches one morning. Every full moon, one of the lower middle-card characters is found disembowled on the allotments, and Beales Place starts selling raw steaks, with Ian licking the blood from his fingertips like a fucking junkie. Lenny and Huw come back as werewolf hunters, like the Frog Brothers out of Lost Boys, but Lenny gets savaged and dies in Huw's arms. Even Phil gets the shits put up him when he hears a loud howling outside and is too afraid to look out of the curtains.

 

This all builds towards a live episode where Walford's about to be plunged beneath a gigantic supermoon during a night-time outdoor street party to celebrate Alfie's death from nob-cancer.

 

To keep it grounded in reality, they'd reveal that Ian Beale was just hallucinating like Joe Wicks ("ACE OF SPADES! ACE OF SPADES!") and only thought he was a werewolf, but actually had murdered all those people. As he's being carted off by the fuzz, Jules Tavernier (who came back to help Patrick wipe his arse after he has another stroke) turns to the camera and says "Yea mon!" and as he smiles, he reveals vampire teeth.

 

*EASTIES DRUM FILL*

 

 

 

Please say a come back for Alan Jackson as an everyman Steve Austin type to take on The Minutemart of Darkness.

 

My plans for Alan Jackson involve the build to the Halloween night special. Carol gets a phonecall from Up West where she's told "Big Black Alan is dead," and after the death of Billie, it's too much. She's hit so hard by the grief, that she gets on a bus out of Walford and goes to a nursing home, where she signs on the visitor's register.

 

"Hello, Carol." Dr. Legg comes back to Walford, moving in with Carol, although some of his furniture, particularly one really massive wooden trunk, is so heavy that Ricky Butcher puts his back out lifting it out of the van, ruining the annual Walford 5-a-side football storyline.

Legg's got a new hobbie where he's obsessed with the weather, and he's always doing experiments. He gets his new assistant, Felix the Jew, to install a giant lightning rod on Carol's roof, although Felix the Jew sadly falls onto his butterfly collection and is killed. "You can't make an omlette..." says Carol.

 

 

RIPJ.

 

On Halloween, Legg's in the caff and hears a weather report on the radio about a big storm that's on its way to Walford that night. He rushes home through the sheets of rain, past the flower stall, past Kat waving a Rampant Rabbit about like she's on a fucking hen night, and up the stairs to Carol's house. Moments later, BOOM, lightning strikes the metal rod on the roof. The residents of Walford all gather outside of Carol's gaff because of Dr. Legg's mad cackling through the attic window, and the front door suddenly explodes open, revealing...

 

 

Legg's Monster (Legg is the name of the creator, not the monster) takes off down the square, to the canal where Dirty Den got shot. He goes to stroke Little Willy, but not realising his own strength, accidentally kills him. An outraged Billy Mitchell leads a mob after Big Green Alan, trapping him in the Vic, which they set on fire, killing him, as he asks "Woss goin' on?" with his final breath. Dr. Legg, watching from Carol's attic, sheds a single tear. As he wipes it away with his old finger, a butterfly lands on his fingertip. Legg grabs a shovel, and says "See you soon, old friend," at a black and white framed picture of Felix the Jew.

*EASTIES DRUM FILL*

 

 

 

 

JNLister explains the General Election, May: https://ukff.com/topic/135926-general-election-2015/?p=2920564

 

As we've got a few first-time voters (and maybe even first-time election viewers) here, I thought I'd cobble together a guide to the next couple of days:

 

Election Day:

 

You can vote between 7am and 10pm. If you've got a polling card in the post, it will tell you where to vote (you have to do it at a specific "polling station" near your home.) If you haven't got a card or aren't sure, you can find out from your Electoral Registration Office -- check for details at https://www.gov.uk/g...ctoral-register. 

 

You don't need your polling card to vote, but having it saves time. Either way, all you actually need is to give your name and address. If you don't have a polling card, ID of some kind isn't necessary buy may be useful, particularly in Northern Ireland.

 

On your way into the polling station, people outside the building may ask for your polling card number. You don't have to give it. These are political party workers with no authority over you. The reason they ask is to check who has and hasn't voted and then chase up people who've previously said they'll support them.

 

When you vote, the standard method is to put a cross in the box of the candidate you support. If you're feeling creative, you can do whatever you like but remember the key rule (as I understand it): you must clearly indicate one candidate, and one candidate only. If you feel like drawing a spunking cock, make sure that the shaft and balls are outside of any box and that the spunk drops are in one box only.

 

If your ballot paper appears to either indicate nobody at all, or indicate more than one person, it's counted as an invalid vote. The number of invalid votes is announced for each seat, but isn't part of any official total or any national vote figures. There's no official distinguishment between 'spoilt' ballots (where people deliberately don't cast a valid vote) and those where people just screw it up.

 

When you leave the polling station, there's a possibility you'll be asked to take part in an exit poll organised by the media. This does not involve saying who you voted for, but instead secretly filling in an identical ballot and putting it in a box. If you agree to take part in this, you're being a bit of a dick if you don't 'vote' the same way as you did in reality.

 

Election Night:

 

During the day, broadcast media are not allowed to report or discuss anything to do with party issues. Instead they solely report on the fact that people are voting.

 

At 10pm when the polls close, the major broadcasters unveil the results of the exit poll. They don't give the voting figures but rather predict the number of seats, this time round for Conservative, Labour, Lib Dem, SNP, UKIP, Green and Plaid. Since 1992 the exit poll has generally been pretty accurate, but that may not be the case this time, partly because they are trying to cover more parties (in the past they only did Conservative, Labour, Lib Dem) and partly because it's likely to be a close election where being out by a few seats either way could change the big picture story.

 

The first actual results usually come a little before 11, but the bulk of them will be between 1.30 and 4.30am. One thing that's key to remember is that more of the early seats will likely be Labour as they are in cities where the constituencies are smaller and it's quicker to gather together the ballot boxes. Don't just look at Labour appearing to be way ahead and think they are "winning."

 

Similarly, if you see a straightforward map of seats, don't be thrown by it being overwhelmingly blue for Conservative. That's because they tend to win more rural constituencies which tend to be much larger because they are sparsely populated.

 

You'll be able to get a sense of who is winning based on which seats change hands and how much "swing" there is (change compared to the last election), but it's likely to be quite messy and inconsistent.

 

At some point, most likely in the 3-4am region, the broadcasters stop quoting the exit poll and instead make individual predictions of the final figures based on the actual results that have come through so far. There may be a little variation between the channels, but really these projections should be close to bang on.

 

Watch out for the leader seats, which are expected to come at around 4:30 for Clegg and Cameron, 5 for Miliband and 6 for Farage. Unlike in previous years when Brown and Clegg had earlier declarations, they'll probably have a solid idea of the overall outcome, so may give clues about their plans for what happens next.

 

After The Results:

 

Who actually forms the government could be a lengthy mess. The key points to remember are that:

 

* Neither the public nor MPs elect the government.

* The timetable and process for one government being replaced by another is not inherently tied to general elections.

 

David Cameron is Prime Minister (and thus appoints all government positions) and remains so until he resigns. That happens in three main ways:

 

* He decides to go for non-election related reasons (like Thatcher and Blair did.)

* He concludes he has lost his ability to command the confidence of the House of Commons.

* He actually loses a confidence vote in the Commons.

 

When he resigns, the Queen invites the person best placed to command the confidence of the Commons. In the first scenario that's usually the new leader of the party. In the second and third cases, it's usually the leader of the opposition.

 

None of this has anything to do with "winning" the election, whether that be most votes or seats or whatever.

 

In 'normal' elections where one party wins a majority, it's straightforward. The governing party wins and the government continues in office, or the main opposition party wins, in which case it's obvious the PM has lost the confidence of the commons and he resigns almost immediately.

 

In a hung parliament it's less clearcut. Because it's all based on principles and precendence rather than a written constitution, there's a lot of debate about which of three thresholds would/should trigger a resignation:

 

* Cameron has clearly lost the ability to win a confidence vote. (Eg Labour & SNP have more than half the seats and both say they'll vote against Cameron.)

 

* Cameron has clearly lost the ability to win a confidence vote and there's a clear alternative in the wider sense -- ie, Miliband says he's ready to form a government of some form.

 

* Cameron has clearly lost the ability to win a confidence vote and there's a clear alternative in the narrower sense of Miliband being able to *prove* he could win a confidence vote himself (which might require the specific approval of the SNP.)

 

Chances are Labour will be pushing for the first, the Conservatives demanding the third, and the actual correct position is the second. Miliband doesn't have to win a vote in the Commons to become PM.

 

Realistically, with politics and public mood as important as the conventions, the likely options are:

 

* If adding up everyone who might conceivably support a Conservative Queen's Speech (Con+LD+UKIP+DUP) is less than 323, Cameron will go. Miliband will take over and decide if he wants to try to build a formal coalition or a minority government.

 

* If it's mathematically possible for Cameron to win a confidence vote but he's not won the most seats (and possible not the most votes), he'll probably go.

 

* If Cameron's got the most seats and there's a mathematical chance of winning a confidence vote, he'll declare victory, try to sort out a coalition, and possibly stay on till a Queen's Speech vote in the hope of either winning or persuading some of the opposition parties to abstain because he's the rightful "winner". It's even possible he'd force a vote he knew he'd lose, just to force the SNP to actively back Labour, though this is unlikely.

 

* If the anti-Tory parties (Labour, SNP, Plaid, Green, SDLP, Respect etc) total more than 323 and they come out straight away as saying they'll definitely vote Cameron down, he'll pretty much have to go.

 

As far as timetables go, there's a Queen's Speech on May 27,  which is put forward by whoever is in government at the time. Voting on that is the following week.

 

The Next Election

 

The next election is in May 2020, regardless of the outcome this week. The only two exceptions are:

 

* Two thirds of all MPs (not just those who turn up to vote) agree to it, which will likely never happen as it would need both Labour and Conservatives and they'll probably never both want an election at the same time.

 

* There's a specifically worded no-confidence vote (the Queen's Speech and Budget don't apply) passed by the commons. If that happens, there's 14 days for either the existing government or a new one to win a fresh confidence vote, else there's an election. Of course, a new government is likely only getting formed here if it's already clear they'll win the fresh confidence vote.

 

Bear in mind some people have been claiming that this election law means you can lose a Queen's Speech or Budget vote and stay in office. That theory's yet to be tested and if it ever becomes an issue, it could be ultra messy.

 

Finally, the official position is that at any point the Queen decides who to make Prime Minister and form a government. The reality is that all the precedents and procedures are designed so that she never actually makes a decision.

 

 

 

[HarmonicGenerator]

And the last selection of nominees.

 

 

 

HarmonicGenerator reviews Raw as UK Kat Von D, December: https://ukff.com/topic/135497-the-relationship-thread/?p=2965817

 

 

UK Kat Von D, on 14 Dec 2015 - 11:21, said:

It's not like I'm finding obscure ways to talking about crushing pussy in Raw reviews

But if you did...

"Opening match was fantastic! Couldn't believe they had 16 in the ring at the same time. I barely had sex with more than 16 girls last week. Just saying.

What are they doing with Ambrose?! What a waste, what's he doing tossing soda and popcorn at Kevin Owens? I had to go and toss myself at a woman to try and forget about their mistreatment of him. She loved it. 

Divas stuff was alright. I'd give those divas a chance.

The Lucha Dragons/New Day match was good. I have sex with lots of women.

Can't believe Paige slapped Ric Flair! I'd let her slap me. Couldn't get that thought out of my head so went and had four girls at once. For Ric.

I can't follow this whole Rusev and Lana thing, and what's Ryback got to do with it? Lana's not as good as she was last year, still, I've had a few like her this month. Where's my Accolade?

You can tell Adam Rose has never been near a proper rosebush in his life. Unlike me. Rosebush means girl parts.

Didn't really care about Swagger vs Stardust, bit irrelevant all round. I hope Stardust's not going to get that design tattooed on his face without paying his dues. That'd be a big mistake, which reminds me of the girl I hooked up with on tinder the other week.

Braun Strowman's a beast, he was squeezing Tommy Dreamer tighter than the girl I had on Thursday night.

That tater tots promo by Reigns at the end was hard to watch, I had to distract myself by thinking of the tater tots of the last girl I had, phwoar she was a cracker, also I call tits 'tater tots'. The Spear through the table was great though, a good end to the show and a good excuse for me to go out and spear a lady or two, which of course I did. Three, actually.

I have sex. Lots."

 

 

 

 

Lister pitches Raw, March: https://ukff.com/topic/133540-the-official-ukff-raw-thread/?p=2908097

 

"Hi TV Network, we've got a massive team of writers and we'd like to make an action-adventure comedy-drama series, set in the sporting world."

 

"Sounds good. How many episodes?"

 

"52 a year. And we want to do it live."

 

"Erm, OK. Can we see a script?"

 

"Nah, we'll write it the weekend before and then rewrite the script just before broadcast."

 

"You'll need some great actors for that. Any names in mind."

 

"Nah, we won't use trained actors, we'll get athletes to do it."

"This sounds iffy, but let's run with it. Hypothetically, if we did do it would you want to do the traditional half-hour comedy slot, or the hour-long drama format."

 

"Nah, we were thinking each episode could be a bit longer. Like three hours and seventeen minutes."

 

 

 

 

Ian on high risk wrestling, July: https://ukff.com/topic/131365-random-thoughts-thread-v2-no-news-items/?p=2931633

Watched Benoit vs Angle from 2001 (the cage match) the other day for the first time in years. Angle takes a German suplex off the top rope, which looks so dangerous. Benoit does a diving headbutt off the cage and Angle does a moonsault. It was quite a stunning stunt show from two blokes who seemed to have a death wish. They're both lucky to be still alive and healthy all these years later. Matches like that could have done them a lot of damage.

 

 

 

Butch is not a fan of Shane Douglas, October: https://ukff.com/topic/136656-your-most-hated-world-title-reign-in-history/page-3#entry2953755

Shane Douglas' 42 year long reign from 1997 to 1999 (with 3 title defenses) is the worst thing in the world ever. He was starting his journey into facially resembling Norman Pace (which has now ended with him making appearances as a celeb lookalikey at nightclubs in a double act with Jeff "Deal or House Party" Jarrett), he had a gammy arm which people blame for his lackluster performances, although he was boring as fuck at all points after 1995. His much vaunted "promo" work was going on about "Dick" Flair which was an act more tired than the octogenarian flasher was by this point. Railing against someone who ruined your pop at the big leagues in 1992 doesn't hold much water when you fucked up your own pop at the bigger leagues in a better spot 3 years later, and he's not on TV at the moment anyway as WCW's suing him and as much as the ECW mutants would normally join the pillorying of Flair, they had a love for the oldschool at heart hence popping wild that same year for Buchwhacker Dudleys and JYD. They probably felt sorry for Ric. Oh, and the matches. Well, the few matches he did have, as his arm was HIV positive, but when he did put on the yellow and tassles he more than made up for time lost with Chris Robshaw-esque incompetence. Shane Douglas vs Al Snow at Wrestlepalooza. If you have to make it clear to the crowd somethings an epic, then it's not a fucking epic. Epics are organic. Not lying around doing fuck all for 20 minutes then having everyone carry you about on their shoulders at the end like you just at the age of 28 finally lost your virginity to the woman who looks like Robbie Coltrane who works the fag counter in Londis. Nothing happens. At all. Douglas is shite, Al Snow is shite,the "THIS IS A CLASSIC!" booking is shite, and the aftermath is the shiteest of all. It's one of my least favourite matches ever, and I've seen pretty much everything. It's even worse than when Shawn Michaels tries to do his "acting" (I'm sorry, I love you) and it's more cringeworthy than the scene in Corrie when Bill Roache tried to show emotion as Mike Baldwin died in his arms. He also during this time started the legendary "Not Lazy" patented Shane Douglas promo technique of:

 

A - CUT THE FUCKING MUSIC

B - Go "HAHAHAHAHA!" a lot like a sex offender

C - SHIT

D - "HAHAHAHHA!"

E - Something about shagging Francine despite looking like her dad taking her to work at his nightshift to stop her sucking cock for white lightning on the park 

F - HAHAHAHAHA!

G - DICK FLAIR/SHAWN MICHAELS IS GAY/SCOTT HALL

H - HAHAHAHAHA!

I - FUCK

J -HAHAHAHAA!

K - YOUR ASS WILL BE FRANCHISED (given the vote?)

L - FINAL LINGERING HAHAHAHA INTO CAMERA FADING OUT IN VOLUME DESPITE MIC NOT BEING TURNED DOWN

 

So yeah, fuck Shane Douglas. The only good thing he ever did was the sketch where him and Hale put a cat in a microwave.

 

Edited January 1, 2016 by HarmonicGenerator

[The Clint]

Harmonic reviewing Raw as Kat did make me chuckle a lot.

[UK Kat Von D]

Only came to vote for HG, probably my favourite post ever on the forum. I'm all for a bit of a piss take when it's actually funny, and that was pure fucking gold

[HarmonicGenerator]

I'm torn between the Air Raid love for Menry and the Butchi hate for Douglas. Both first class, hilarious stuff, but I'm going… Menry. Beautiful stuff.

 

However, Butch's Shane Douglas post does have the advantage of the Squared Circle Gazette audio reading of it - it's even funnier out loud than written down.

 

Argh, I don't know. I might rig the voting so I can have both.

 

(I won't actually rig the voting.)

 

(Probably.)

 

(No, I won't. But one of those two posts had better win!)

Edited January 1, 2016 by HarmonicGenerator

[UK Kat Von D]

Quit being modest, you know you deserve this one

[Duke]

Laughing along isn't going to stop people ripping on you, Kat.

[UK Kat Von D]

I only laugh along when it's good, most the time they are pretty shit like your dig which was a bit flat. If you look really carefull you'll see how I said "I'm all for a piss take when it's actually funny" and that one was funny.

[wandshogun09]

Some brilliant posts there. Struggled to choose but voted for Butch's Shane Douglas post in the end. Perfectly captured the shitness of Douglas. Points E and L in the promo bit had me proper belly laughing.

[wandshogun09]

However, Butch's Shane Douglas post does have the advantage of the Squared Circle Gazette audio reading of it - it's even funnier out loud than written down.

Don't suppose anyone has a link for this? Never listened to the SCG podcast before, this seems as good a place as any to start!

[Kamaras-Tash]

 

However, Butch's Shane Douglas post does have the advantage of the Squared Circle Gazette audio reading of it - it's even funnier out loud than written down.

Don't suppose anyone has a link for this? Never listened to the SCG podcast before, this seems as good a place as any to start!

 

 

Episode 58 on here

http://squaredcirclegazette.podbean.com/

[wandshogun09]

Cheers. Just found it anyway in the link to the original thread which HG put up there. Silly me.

[HarmonicGenerator]

It's just after the half hour mark on the show, I think. Not that I've gone back and listened to it to cheer me up after bad days, obviously.