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Soap storylines you'd like to see...

John Matrix

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Fuck, I've been giggling at 'Felix the Jew' for a good 30 minutes.


Any story that gets Alan 'Chocolate Thunder' Jackson back on our screens is a winner. Good work.


I want to see a super stable created out of characters from the big three with cross promotional story lines. It can start with an 'Invasion' and have all three retaliating against each other until the big reveal where it turns out Barlow, the Mitchell brothers and Cain Dingle have been manipulating things all along. Maybe throw a promising youngster in to the group like the latest incarnation of Ben Mitchell or Peter Beale.


Down the line I'd see a face stable formed to battle the villainous 'North and South' group. I see a spot for white meat retard baby face Tyrone, reluctant hero David Pollard, broken wild man Andy Sugden and who better to lead the resistance than big Mick Carter who knows how to handle himself when things get a bit leery.


The face team is shit but they're all their to shine up Mick.

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I had a soap opera super stable in E-fedding. The Dingles, Nigel, Seth and their leader Fred Elliot. I booked them into a top of the card feud with Noel Edmonds, Pat Sharp and Chris Tarrant (I was running them under a false name) over the rights to ITV and some agricultural equipment. The E-fed closed during it as everyone left as it was "stupid" and they were American.

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Saw the nominations for Astro's posts. Good god, "Felix the Jew" must be one of your best bits of work ever on here, Woy. I'm still giggling away.

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I did a blog a few weeks ago on how I'd book Richard Blackwood's debut on Eastenders. It's long winded, and Astro has won the thread for sure, but I thought I'd post it anyway.




Last night, the nation were united in joy about the news of top UK comedian, actor, rapper and Burger flogger Richard Blackwood finally joining Eastenders. I knew where I was when I read the news. I had just made a triumphant comeback defeating Nick on Super Smash Bros Wii U. He had three lives under someone I don't remember. Probably Little Mac. I had one life under Pikachu. It was a close battle, but in the end through determination and the will to succeed, I won. I read the news about The UK Eddie Murphy joining the cast on Twitter straight after my victory, and thought "about time". It was like the WWE finally putting Randy Savage in the Hall Of Fame. Blackwood is going to a show where he finally belongs: Eastenders.


Now as of late, Eastenders has somewhat improved since last year. Don't get me wrong, it's still a bit shit. But not as shit as it was when the likes of Rubbish Carl stunk up the screens like a Chelsdon Meadow tip (PLYMOUTH REPRESENT). I dread to think what the writers will do when Blackwood arrives in The Square. Will they make him an 'Enders legend like Robbie Jackson, Lenny and Huw and Dan Sullivan? Or will they make him utter shit like those Moon Brothers (not the Tony Discipline brothers), Johnny Allen and of course, Rubbish Carl?


Here is how I would write Eastenders for the next two years: The Queen Vic is holding some shit theme night. Probably Grab A Granny Night. Fatboy is passionately kissing Dot, living his dream of getting close to get her in the sack. Linda is all laughs. Mick Carter is shaking his head in disbelief. The punters are having a laugh until a familiar face enters the pub... "Robbie?" Carol Jackson says in shock at the arrival of her son, Robbie Jackson. It should be noted that Carol got off with Lee Carter as she saw him enter. Robbie is on the stage, and grabs the karaoke mic. "You know who I am? But you don't know why I'm here!" he tells the confused punters. Shirley looks at him as a potential conquest for Grab A Granny night. "Ian Beale? He can't even get in the building! (Note: he was kicked out because he smashed fuck out of a sink during a Walford Twitter Users meet up) Me? I go wherever I want" He ends the tirade by saying "You wanna war? You're gonna get one!"


The next episode, and we are at the Vic again. Linda and Sharon are talking aabout 50 Shades Of Grey or whatever it is women talk about nowadays, until Sharon sees someone and runs away. Linda turns around to see Robbie Jackson! "What the hell do you want? Where is this guy I've been hearing you're bringing with you" she asks. Robbie points behind her, she turns around to reveal Richard Blackwood! "The measuring stick has just arrived, bruv, you're looking at it!" he tells her, before telling her to find three of Walford's best to pit themselves in a fight with them two and a mystery man. Mick Carter, Ian Beale and Max Branning volunteer to step up to the plate and defend Walford's honour. Blackwood powerbombs Linda on a table during The Great British Bash night in The Vic.


It's Bash At The Square, as Walford's three fight Jackson and Blackwood. But they don't have a third man yet! He hasn't shown up. "He'll be here, Mean Jean" Jackson tells Jean Slater, who has since returned to Eastenders and became a broadcast journalist. The lads fight, until Ian injures himself and is stretchered off. It remains two on two until Phil Mitchell enters the Square to even things up for Walford. "Yeah, but who's side is he on?" Charlie shouts. Phil then shocks the whole of Walford by dropping his leg on Max Branning's face! Phil was the third man! The entire Walford community throw rubbish at Phil as he poses with his big potato like head covered in liquid. Jean enters and asks why he'd want to be associated with Jackson and Blackwood! "This is the China White Crew! Walford can stick it brother!" he arrogantly declares before doing more poses, further pissing Walford residents off.


The next few weeks see The China White Crew wreak havoc on the Square. Spray painting "CWC 4 Life" on walls and peoples backs. They hire a Mick lookalike from an agency, and Fake Mick fools everyone into thinking it's him siding with the CWC. At War Games, where the entire Square is surrounded by fencing because of roadworks, the team of Blackwood, Mitchell, Jackson and newest mmember Fake Mick take on Real Mick, Ian, Masood and Alfie Moon. The team doubt Mick's loyalty. They aren't convinced it wasn't him who had sided with the CWC. One member of each team enter the cage one by one and brawl. Fake Mick enters and batters the Walford crew. The residents look disappointed until the real Mick shows up and beats up the CWC. "Is that good enough for ya you fackin mugs" he tells his shocked Walford mates, before walking off. Ian crawls on his hands and knees pleading for forgiveness.


The next episode, Mick is on stage at the Vic. He tells the residents to "stick it you slices" before leaving. The next year, Mick has a transformation. He is dressed like Brandon Lee in The Crow and stalks Blackwood with a baseball bat. Not saying one word. Christmas Day 2016: Blackwood and Carter fight. Carter wins and everyone in Walford is happy. The fight itself was disappointing though. The next year, the CWC split into two groups. CWC Blackwood, lead by Richard Blackwood, and CWC Wolfpack, lead by Robbie Jackson. Carter and Beale join the Wolfpack. And thats how I would write Richard Blackwood in Eastenders. Let it be known that I have never heard of WCW or the nWo, nor their feud which this story was entirely based on. Nope.


PS: buy my book

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