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The Second UKFF Celebrity Twatlist: THE COUNTDOWN


HarmonicGenerator

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DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities :love:

 

 

 

26

Simon Cowell

(2009 ranking: did not place)

 

simon-cowell-x-factor2.jpg

 

What's he famous for?

Talent show judging and attempted monopolisation of the popular music industry.

 

And you think he's a twat because...

Described by Spotlightmagnet1 (who voted him at #3) as "a self indulgent cockring who loves the sound of his own voice", The Dart (who ranked him at #10) explains that Cowell, among other things, "ruined the fun and excitment of the Christmas pop charts. His dominance in the media and the pop charts is depressing." Cowell changed television, Saturday night entertainment, and pop music, and none of them for the better, many would claim, but the cash keeps piling in, and people keep watching his shows no matter how turgid and stagnant they become, so he doesn't give a shit, and he wants you to know this, and to wish you had a fraction of his high-trousered money-guzzling success. Dead Mike, who also ranked Cowell at #3, considers him "someone who doesn't get a fraction of the disdain he deserves in my book. Got borderline mental health issues and a misplaced sense of talent/ambition? Come on in. Got an above average amount of talent but a mildly sympathetic story? Come on in... The man's no better than people showing dancing bears or getting alcoholics to bite the heads off chickens in freak-shows gone by."

 

Was he voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

 

And so to summarise, Simon Cowell is worse than...

Having people talk to you about fucking nothing but fucking X-Fucking-Factor for three fucking months every fucking year, and then watching it one night to see what all the fuss is about, and getting sucked in, and without any conscious knowledge, becoming a fucking fan of the fucking thing, and realising that Cowell's now got you completely under his fucking thumb too, WITHOUT YOU EVEN REALISING. The bastard.

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It's OK. I'll hate him more to make up the shortfall. I have a lot of hate to give.

 

Lovely. Any of your twats come up yet? Mine haven't.

 

Not yet, but I'm hopeful. At the very least, 2 "comedian" picks should make the list at the high end.

 

I'd be quite interested to see the complete list, sans flowery descriptions, when it's all over. Just to see how close they were

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Because there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with the guy. Read plenty of interviews with him and he seems decent enough.

 

So you've no problem with a decent guy spearheading a show that makes no attempt of hiding its goal of making every singer sound the same while putting out a legion of lazy, insipid cover songs?

Edited by seph
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Because there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with the guy. Read plenty of interviews with him and he seems decent enough.

 

So you've no problem with a decent guy spearheading a show that makes no attempt of hiding its goal of making every singer sound the same?

 

Why would that bother me in the slightest? :confused:

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Hmm, hit and miss list so far for me. 3 actual twats (Gervais, Gallagher and Cowell) and 2 amazing comedians. Lets hope theres more actual twats in the remainder of the list.

 

Jack Whitehall and Russell Howard are what constitutes 'amazing' comedians these days? Fuck me sideways*

 

*I wouldn't usually use such a hackneyed cliche to express bewilderment, but it's applicable in this case as it is funnier than anything Russell Howard or Jack Whitehall have ever said.

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DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities :love:

 

 

 

25

Bono

(2009 ranking: 6. Down 19)

 

2002-03-14-bono-bush.jpg

 

What's he famous for?

Hello, hello-o... singing in U2.

 

And you think he's a twat because...

He is, says TUFCfan (who ranked him at #6), "the world's most annoying humanitarian." "Everything", Nexus (who ranked him at #7) continues, "from his sunglasses to his accent to his slicked back hair makes me want to punch him in the face and break his massive conk." Not even campaigning for world peace and global warming and that song that Johnny Cash covered and everything else rescues Bono from being widely regarded as a twat.

 

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. In a completely unrelated matter, here's a picture of Bono (not really Bono) next to a giant shit.

 

402242.jpg

 

Was he voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

 

And so to summarise, Bono is worse than...

Getting an unbearable and prolonged itch in the genital area while in a public place. Scratching it, being thrown out of said public place, getting home and finding out it's lice. And it still won't stop itching.

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities :love:

 

 

 

 

And now, for your delectation (or disappointment if you voted for them), the first batch of Nearlytwats - celebrities who received votes, but did not accrue enough points to get onto the Twatlist itself.

 

In approximately alphabetical order:

 

Alan Sugar, Arsene Wenger, Axl Rose, Colin Firth, JLS ("specifically that little backflipping twat who looks like a Manga character. Wish he'd backflip off a fucking cliff." - Magnum), Kate Nash, Lee Evans, Lindsay Lohan, Rufus Hound (""But he did that dance! Dressed as a woman! For charity!" Yep, and has been as smug about that as he is about everything else in the universe... Rufus Hound now has literally nothing to offer the world of culture. At all." - opcws), Sting, The Wonga Man, and Zach Braff ("the single most unlikeable actor I think I've ever seen. From his cancerous turn in Scrubs as the vile JD to his disgusting disease-ridden Generation X-aping Garden State to pretty much anything he ever gets involved in, the mutant taints the very celluloid that captures him. A loathsome creature, worthy of nothing." - Mr. Seven).

 

 

Coming tomorrow - numbers 24 - 22! ZOMG!

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