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I need some advice about a domestic abuse situation


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Apologies if there is an existing thread where this would be better posted, I couldn't see one.

I know there are a couple (?) of people on here who have been active in DV charities and stuff, so I figured maybe someone here would be able to give me some advice on this.

I don't really speak to my family but, yesterday, out of the blue, my aunt messaged me on Instagram. Basically, she was asking me how to stop her boyfriend from accessing her phone remotely (apparently he's on a trip in Thailand) and also that he had previously installed spyware on her phone, and had set up a tablet in her living room that, until discovered, was recording her and her kids at all times. I dug a little deeper, and - long story short - she is basically in fear for her life with this guy. According to her, he doesn't hit her, but he does stuff like bring home cables, shovels, ropes etc. that she feels is his way of telling her he could kill and bury her! He told her on new year's day that he wanted to "scar her up", even though he's coming back from Thailand on Saturday, the other day he told her she should fly to Bangkok where his "friend" would meet her and bring her to him. I told her absolutley do not do that.

There was loads of this, all along the same lines. He is living with her in her home, so her ultimate concern seems to be that he would make "something" happen to her, so that he and his kids could then live in her property. Since he's in Thailand until Saturday, there is a window where I could help her.

Now, all of this sounds to me like coercive control, which is a crime. But I am not sure if, as a 3rd party, this is something I can report? In any case, she needs help. I'm just not sure how to proceed. Any advice much appreciated. Normally, I do everything I can to avoid being involved in my family's dramas (because there are always so many), but I can't ignore this.

Edited by 69MeDon
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Two things, as Superbacon said - contact the police and find out if there is a Woman's Aid or something similar in your area - call their helpline, they will be able to give more specific advice.

Also, is there children under 18 in the house? If so, I would also call social services and report his behaviour and they should be able to support. Even if he has caused no harm to the children, if they are witnessing this behaviour then Children's Services should intervene 

Edited by deathrey
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If she is reaching out to you, it sounds like she wants help. If possible, confirm with her if she wants you to act or help because you might inadvertently make things worse for her. Usually the first step is to remove her from the situation and the house. It does sound like she knows she has a window of escape and needs assistance. Maybe because you keep yourself out of family stuff, she knows you can be neutral and helpful. 

Search for a refuge and ask for their advice, tread carefully and consider her feelings and wishes above everything else. My thoughts are with her and you. Good luck. 

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Google local womens aid for her if she is happy for you to do it, then let her ring from your phone, as he may see the call if he has spyware on it.  They will give great, impartial advice and help.  Hope it works out for her

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I used to work at citizens advice, we always had a lot of domestic abuse situations and was always asked during 1 to 1 confidential appointments 

She could go to citizens advice say asking for a benefit appointment and if She discloses they can assist, I have assisted men and women alike in the past and its a good way to get referrals into local organisations without him finding out about Web search history or phone history and her to get the help she needs 

Hope this helps 



























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