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One night stands


Super Cena

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I had a few too many last night and ended up waking up this morning in some fat bird's bed; it's been haunting me all day. It's not the first time that this has happened, either :(

 

Thankfully I was that fucked last night that I don't remember a great deal of it happening; in fact I was hoping that nothing had happened until I saw the condom on the floor when I got out of bed.

 

I got up and got straight out of there as fast as I could; in fact, I didn't even remember her name until I noticed that it'd been added to my contacts on my phone. Quickly deleted that, though.

 

The other time was a few months ago when I was equally as fucked, if not more, and ended up going home with some fat lass after a club. That time was worse, though - I woke up the following morning, looked straight at her (not having a faintest clue where I'd woken up), and left without even saying goodbye. Not a single word. The worst bit though was struggling to open the fucking bedroom door, the handle was fucked!! Must have hurt her feelings a fair bit though, I still feel bad about that. I went straight round to Weatherspoons that morning to sort myself out.

 

Whilst I'm at it, I got talking to a really good looking lass at a nice bar one night last year. I was 19, and was with my uncle and a couple of his mates - when we got talking to this girl, she said that she was 18 - my uncle, his mates and I were surprised as we thought that she was older than that. They ended up going home and I stayed with this girl, talking to her for ages. She was on holiday here and came and saw me at work the following day; we got on really well and I ended up licking her out for hours that night in her parent's apartment and spending the following night with her too. It was fucking awesome and she was super hot. I got talking to her on Facebook a few days after she went back home and she said I've got something to tell you. I knew it wasn't that she was pregnant so I thought it would be some good news - she said "I'm not actually at college, I'm still at school." My jaw hit the fucking floor - I was wounded; I said 'you're still 16 though, aren't you?' "I will be in December", was her reply!!

 

'It's a good job you didn't tell me that at the time, I wouldn't have lasted 2 minutes' was my response to her. It's the only thing I could think of, and I've not spoken to her since.

 

Another funny one was when I ended up spending a lot of a night out getting off with one of my ex's in a sweaty little nightclub whilst her boyfriend was working. I ended up pulling the hottest girl I've ever been with later that night, which pissed my ex off (bonus points, there). I had a few too many that night, though and ended up going back to this girls' mates house. We jumped into bed, but her mate was in the bed too for some reason on the phone not giving a care less whilst I attempted to venture into her mate's cavity right next to where she was, oblivious. Unfortunately, I'd had one too many that night and it was like trying to suffocate an earth worm; instead I had to settle with just fingering her. That's still one thing I look back on and I still get gutted about it; she was fucking beautiful.

 

The following day I was with a mate in the bar (the one where I met the girl who turned out to be 15, funnily enough) and got talking to an old school mate. It turned out that he was the one who was talking to the girl's mate on the phone in the bed! Mental.

 

One final quick one here - I ended up going out to a bar mid-week last year with a bloke who's 40 odd who I used to work with for a random night out. We ended up meeting up with his daughter and one of her mates for a couple of drinks. We ended up going back where my mate fucked his daughter's mate on the sofa downstairs and I took his daughter upstairs where I failed once again(!) Too many drinks again, and I was laid out like a fucking ham salad in her bed.

 

Your turn.

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I had a one afternoon stand a few months back. Afterwards she started telling me stories about how her last boyfriend used to keep her in the cupboard and make her go to the shop in her bare feet and put fags out on her arms. The bus couldn't have come quick enough after that little converation. It was the afternoon England got twatted off Germany as well.

 

Also, I shagged this lass in Hendon a few weeks ago. I went into work the next day and my mate said "did you use protection" and I said "I did, I wore a stab proof vest".*

 

*If you lived in Sunderland, you'd be pissing yourself at that joke.

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I was at a party once when I was 16 and got wasted, ended the night upstairs with the ugly girl of my group of mates. Now when I say ugly, I'm talking you'd think there was something physically wrong with them if you looked from afar ugly. She had quite a fit body though which was nice.

 

What wasn't nice was hearing "I love you Josh" half way through. That killed any chance of my dick staying up much longer.

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My all time favourite was with a girl called either Lizzie or Lindsey. She was actually called one, but preferred being called the other, and I can never remember which way round it was. It was 15 fucking years ago, so give me some slack.

 

Anyway, I'm at this party and this lass was there. She was there with her boyfriend, who for the purposes of this story I shall refer to as Kev. This is because it's his actual name, and it saves me getting mixed up later.

You know how you see someone in a crowded room, and you just lock eyes with someone? Well, we did. I had to leave the party for a bit to sort something work related out, and she gave me a sneaky bit of tongue on the way out.

After I came back, we were all sat around chatting and drinking (as you do), and due to drinking games I was no longer trousered, had a smiley face drawn on my knee in lipstick, and had a lump of candle wax in my naval (as you do).

 

As we were all up in the large attic, I had to go downstairs to get some more bottles of drink. As I came up to the first floor, Lizzie was stood on the landing. She lifted my T-shirt, flicked the wax out of my naval with her tongue, and then dragged me into the bathroom and stuck my cock in her mouth without saying a word. Marvellous.

 

Unfortunately, as her boyfriend was still up in the attic, we had to cut it short and go back up. Still with no trousers, I had to somehow hide an absolutely throbbing erection in just boxer shorts. Nobody has ever commented on it, so perhaps I did.

 

It doesn't end there though. As everyone started falling asleep, there were about 4 of us on a bed settee. Kev was on the far left, facing the wall. Lizzie was behind him, gently spooning him. I was behind her, also in a spoony position. What Kev didn't know was that while one of her arms was around his shoulders, her other arm was behind her back and giving me a hand job, while I was fingering her from behind.

 

It really was a tremendous night. Kev found out at somepoint, because he suddenly stopped talking to me and would glower instead.

 

God, my life's boring now.

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I had a one afternoon stand a few months back. Afterwards she started telling me stories about how her last boyfriend used to keep her in the cupboard and make her go to the shop in her bare feet and put fags out on her arms. The bus couldn't have come quick enough after that little converation. It was the afternoon England got twatted off Germany as well.

 

Also, I shagged this lass in Hendon a few weeks ago. I went into work the next day and my mate said "did you use protection" and I said "I did, I wore a stab proof vest".*

 

*If you lived in Sunderland, you'd be pissing yourself at that joke.

 

H.M.D will be hunting your ass down now

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Met a Japanese bird out one night, got her number and had been texting her and getting a very lukewarm response so left it after a few weeks and forgot about her.

 

About 2 months later by chance i met her out, just after she had a blazing row with her best mate/flatmate.

 

Brought her back to mine and gave her an unmerciful rodgering. She was really sensitive and nearly came straight away when i went down on her.

 

She was absolutely roaring for ages, again she was just very sensitive, and when she did come she starting nearly crying . In a good way i might add. I had to tell her to keep it down.

 

Next day in the lift i overheard two of my sleazy neighbours saying they could hear some girl having sex that kept them awake all night.

 

 

On a side note, said Japanese girl is now pregnant and gone back home. :(

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Saturday nights normally mean me in liquid nightclub but I keep smashing this fatty in ally whilst drunk.

 

She is minging make no mistake and its embarrassing people keep seeing me leaving with her so I have decided to keep a low profile for abit.

 

Hopefully next time im out I keep myself away from her.

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Roughly a year ago now, I was hanging out with my cousin's ex Kate, who I'm still friends with. It was all really innocent, just chatting and driving around, but when I went to drop her and her friend off home, she said pretty bluntly, "I want to fuck you." "Okkay!" was my response, and we drove off again looking for a suitable private area. Unfortunately *cue dramatic music*, disaster struck. She spent the entirity of that car ride talking about my cousin and how she was still in love with him. But because I was still a virgin, and my cousin is a twat and a player of the highest order, I gave it a go anyway. No luck, the only thing getting wood that night were the trees blowing in the wind. :(

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I've had 1, one night stand in my entire life. It was not longer after I found out my ex had started seeing someone else and I was feeling pretty shitty. Went out with my housemate to watch Right Said Fred at Chicago's (nightclub renowned for slags) and ended up coming home with this munter. She was ugly, had an annoying South African accent, she was on her period & after the deed was done she told me she loved me. This was about 5am and enough was enough really so I told her she had to leave. I didn't call her a taxi which was a bit wanky of me considering the time it was. However that whole experience was enough to put me off for good. I was physically sick twice at work the next day.

 

When I say that was my only one, it was the only one I actually went home with. I have in fact shagged 3 girls (on separate occasions) in the girls toilets of above mentioned nightclub, but they were all quite fit although one did smell funny. I've also snogged Katie Price in this nightclub. Like I said, full of slags.

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In all my years of djing I have got very little play from being behind the decks with the exception of my third year of uni when I went a little wild and was a proper player. The most memorable night was when I managed to punch way way way above my weight with a stunning student but we found ourselves back in her room with no love gloves. What followed was an entire sleepless night of foreplay from a lass who was known only as "the bird who likes the taste of herself (and didn't mind me watching)". God bless you whoever you were.

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One worth mentioning from a few years back was one Friday night when I was in town (Canary Wharf infact) for a good old random piss up with a girl who used to go to my school, had nothing else on so thought fuck it and went with her and her workmates and booked a room in the IBIS (more on this later), anyway it was one of the worst nights of my life, her friends were proper city yuppies and was bars/clubs were quite shit too so up until this point it was a high contender for one of the worst clubbing nights of my life.....until.....one of the girls in the group (who was fucking fit) was sitting down in the corner of the club all upset, so I thought id do the decent thing and talk too her, she was completely off her face and have never seen a girl in the state she was, I think someone actually spiked her she was that clueless, tears running down her face the whole lot, anyway took her into the (mixed toilets) to clear herself up and next thing I know she was all over me but before anything could happen the club was closing so then I had to work out a way to get her out of the toilets, out of the bar/club, into a taxi and back to the hotel without her friends knowing (I knew that as soon as her friends caught wind of the state she was in then my chances of getting off with her would be over and that would add more misery to what was a shit night anyway).

 

So by this point I was already pre-planning and thinking of ways to do this knowing that at any moment if we were seen then the game would be up, I actually felt like a mental killer/rapist but then thought that because of the state she was in that it would be far better with me taking advantage then some of the other type of blokes hanging about in the club so in all fairness I had her best interests at heart as well and of course I wanted to smash it (As Richard Keys would say).

 

Anyway I managed to get out of the club without being seen and to a taxi point, how on earth we didn't see anyone at this point I never know because a few of us were staying in the same hotel and there was a good 20 or so people in the group, there was this one guy who kinda knew us from the group but managed to convince him that we was going in a separate direction and off he went, thank god for that I was thinking. So I got her into a cab and 5 minutes later arrived at the Ibis Docklands hotel, then came my next problem...she wouldn't get out the cab, she was in tears going on about all sorts and the minicab driver was trying to usher her out the cab but she just went mental and told him that she's going to stab him up and all sorts and kept telling me to stay in the cab, so after about 10 minutes and a few hugs and nice words I got her out the cab (she broke her heel on her shoe at this point so had to carry her into the hotel), got her up to the hotel room and then couldn't even find the keycard....so told her to stay put outside the room until I came back so went downstairs to reception, had to wait what seemed like ages and saw her friends and the group all at reception, had to give them the nod and pretend I was alone, got the keycard and back upstairs to the room, by this point she was almost passed out but just about awake so got into the room and smashed the shit out of her.

 

Then about an hour later laying in bed with her next to me I had this vision of her waking up half way in the night and screaming rape or something so had to pretty much ring my girlmate and tell her that her mate was in my room and that I found her in a right state so did the gentleman thing and took her back to my room to calm down so early hours of the morning she went back to one of the girl rooms and my night was probably something I'll never forget again, it was great, she was a proper yuppie posh girl who turned a bit mental but loved every second and turned out to be a decent night after all.

 

Next morning I remember looking out the window and seeing her jump into her mates car, she looked like she hadn't a clue what happened the night before, her mates never really liked me afterwards so they probably knew what happened but in all truth I still think I did the right thing in at least taking her somewhere safe otherwise she could of ended up anywhere, I remember looking at her phone and seeing about 27 missed calls from someone called Danny which was probably her fella or something.

 

I won't mention a nearly one night stander with a fat bird, that gives me nightmares to this day but luckily I passed out before anything serious could happen, I felt sick for months after that nearly event.

 

:laugh:

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